Urgent advice needed - think DH wants to give DS back

[BangPippleGo]

DS (14mo) was placed with us 3 weeks ago. He is waking during the night at 2am and then coming in with us - he slept through the night at his foster carers. He whinges when he is put down if you've been holding him. He's very clingy to me but doesn't really want DH yet. DH is constantly telling him "no" because he tries to climb on things he shouldn't etc because, you know, he's 14mo.

All of which I would say is normal behaviour for a 14mo. DH doesn't think so. Says "we can't give him back because then I would be the cunt who denied you your only chance if being a mum". I feel sick. I don't know what to do.

@bringinthespring where has OP mentioned social activities for baby? She said she went out and her dh looked after baby at home.

I agree that social activities for children should be very limited but of parents can do stiff without baby then it doesn't impact.

I took ds (3) swimming when he first came. It was a swim club but for much of it it was just me holding ds on the water! I also DoD take ds to a toddler group at some point as I was going stir crazy.

Yup I've really not got any social activities to ease up on 😂 the only thing I've done is take him to soft play once, and take him to my friends last night which was in a state of crisis, not a planned social activity.

All the other times I've taken him out for a couple of hours is on walks around the lakes. Because keeping him cooped up indoors all day every day isn't recommended....

“My parents who live on the same street as us and who are my main support network are on holiday”

“My friend came to get me .... then I took DS to my friends for a couple of hours”

“He’s (the DH) good friends with my best friends husband and when I was found there this afternoon”

“I told dh that since I was going out for the morning anyway to see SIL (was meant to be taking DS)”

“Also I am taking DS out tomorrow for the morning”

I am all for mum and baby getting out and about as much as possible.

But.

This baby has been placed with this family for TWO AND A HALF WEEKS (excuse the shouting!) In the posts here alone, he has been taken to OPs parents, who are her main support but are now on holiday. For a baby who has already lost his foster parents that is harmful in the extreme, I am amazed SWs did not pick up on this. He has visited at least three friends plus would have gone to see SIL. From what OP says he has met SIL before.

The first month should have been spent at home, bonding with his new mum and dad. Instead, he’s been introduced to grandparents who then vanished, an aunt, several friends.

It’s exciting having a baby home, but OP needs to calm down and I hope SS can advise her properly, otherwise this is going to go tits up. Excuse the rather pessimistic tone but we have gone from sunshine and roses and how glorious it is my new baby is cuddling up to me at night, to ‘my dh wants to give the baby back as he’s waking up in the night.’

That’s Not Good.

I agree with whatpiffle. Stay in more with baby 😕. No idea (apart from school run) why you are out so much at this point...take the opportunity while older ds at school to play, eat, nap - all 3 of you together right now. Think newborn.

“My parents who live on the same street as us and who are my main support network are on holiday”

• they are my main support network - in my LIFE. They haven't met DS. They have been on holiday since the day he was placed with us.

“My friend came to get me .... then I took DS to my friends for a couple of hours”

Yep, DS met this friend yesterday - unplanned but necessary as I needed to get him away from DH at that moment in time and there's not many family friendly places at that time of day and when its dark outside. Friend was ubder strict instructions not to make a fuss of him or cuddle him etc.

“He’s (the DH) good friends with my best friends husband and when I was found there this afternoon”

Yep, same friend as above. Same person.

“I told dh that since I was going out for the morning anyway to see SIL (was meant to be taking DS)”

Meeting SIL was planned. 3 weeks into placement we decided to introduce him to SIL and my nephew of the same age so he had a playfriend. It was to be a 30 minute flying visit.

“Also I am taking DS out tomorrow for the morning”

Yup, to give DH some breathing space. Social worker advised this - said it's no good keeping DS indoors all day everyday. He's 14mo. He needs to get out for a couple of hours!

Just to clarify the above apart from soft play with DH last week - DS has only been on one "social activity" which was yesterday. Unplanned and necessary. Today meeting SIL was meant to be the first but I didn't take him because of yesterday.

This baby has been placed with this family for TWO AND A HALF WEEKS (excuse the shouting!) ............. harmful in the extreme

I think that's a bit much- to the point of being unhelpful. I am not for a minute suggesting that it isn't important to funnel. 14 mo is a critical age for building attachment, precisely because DS is coming out of the baby phase.

That said, I'm aware no research that says a few trips out is 'extremely harmful' to long term attachment. If our attachment were so fragile then every adopted kid would be a screw-up and most of the non-adopted population as well.

A lot depends on how severe the issues have been to this point. If a child had been very erratically cared for at birth or passed between multiple FCs then certainly I'd be holed up in my house doing nothing but sensory stuff to mitigate risk.

If that isn't the case, then I think OP is behaving quite reasonably- but should be mindful not to undermine attachment. To me the priorities are:
-that OP and DH do all the major care (feeding, changing, comfort) for months;
-that important people are introduced slowly over months;
-that social activities for DS don't last too long.

Building attachment is a long term process. The worst possible scenario for the kid's wellbeing is a disruption, and the OP's need is immediate. Getting out of the house is very healthy. That said, I strongly endorse the idea that OP should be cautious about doing to much and avoid 'passing DS around'.

**Don - I love you. You always speak so much sense

@Dontbuymesocks. Aww, thank you. I've had a shit week. That was nice.

But I really don't.

I completely agree with @donquixotedelamancha very wise.

@BangPippleGo funneling, time together etc are all very important and I totally agree. But I also know that sometimes life things take over and can make our plans not actually pan out as we had planned. So please remember many of us have been there.

Things went quite badly with ds (3) and birth daughter (aged 9 at the time) on day 2. We had one 'honeymoon' day before dd pushed him off his chair and I had visions of them taking him away. Only happened once. But bloody scary.

I mentioned the swimming because although there were other people around ds and I only had eyes for each other really and it was good skin to skin contact. But I know for your dh this may not be ideal. Likewise, in the quiet soft play (quiet times when they have them) a child can just play with mum or dad, they are not really socializing with others at that stage. Yes, totally, being quiet and at home is good but occasionally going out is part of the plan.

I know it is very early days but for us even during introductions we were encouraged to take ds out, soft play etc, farm etc.

You do, don

Christ those first few weeks are bloody hard going! I was out and about a lot, just me and DS exploring. He was 23 months and full of beans. I funnelled but just outside a lot! The beach was good (in freezing jan and Feb!) we wrapped up warm and had the place to ourselves.

I’m single so can’t comment on the impact on relationships but I will say those early weeks are like nothing else, I look back and wonder how I got through, it was utterly exhausting both physically and mentally. Give yourselves a break, it’s ok to have a wobble, totally natural.

Glad to see your updates, it’s a rollercoaster ride this adoption lark. Someone on here once described the first year as the year of tears and they were right!!!

I’ve recently joined the NATP and attended a local listening circle, you may want to look into it. I’ve found it very helpful and having someone local you can meet who gets it is priceless.

#listentoDon 😁

I’ve reported this thread to HQ as the adoption threads shouldn’t be appearing in active I wonder why! so hopefully they will fix it.

@BangPippleGo how are things going?

Things are going well! DH is feeling so much more optimistic and also just better in himself. DS has had three days of being pure bliss - difficult bedtime night which was very unusual but we got through it.

Had his CIC Review today and the IRO and social workers all commented on how fantastic DS is doing and how he clearly has a very good attachment to me (I didn't have enough seating space so spent the whole 90 minutes on the living room floor playing with him throughout the meeting as DH had a medical appointment).

How the fuck either of us could even have thought to give him back is beyond me, but we were at rock bottom. We aren't there now!

Also in the last 3 days DS has learnt to feed himself finger food, how to use a spoon properly, how to wave, is walking an awful lot more, and puts his toys back in his toy box when he's done. He's a bloody clever lad.

*difficult bedtime last night

Oh and he's also gone from only EVER using a bottle with a teat, to drinking water out of a miracle cup. It took me longer to figure it out than it did him!

Look when my biological Ds1 was a week old I decided to put him into care as I clearly wasn't cut out to be a mother. I asked my midwife how to go about this and thankfully she took it as the early-days freakout that it was.

How the fuck either of us could even have thought to give him back is beyond me, but we were at rock bottom.

Entirely normal. You will feel that way again at some point. Kids are hard.

Really pleased (though not surprised) that things are looking up. Lovely to hear.

Do really consider going to some counselling together and unpicking some of your, and especially DH's, feelings. Even if things are on the up I really recommend it - I've done it.

Also in the last 3 days DS has learnt to feed himself finger food, how to use a spoon properly, how to wave, is walking an awful lot more, and puts his toys back in his toy box when he's done.

This is the best time, coming up. It's amazing how fast they develop.

His sleep disturbances might be today with his rapid development. My kids used to wake at night whenever they learned a new skill. Your baby is getting a sudden load of good quality input and his development is obviously blooming

"Do really consider going to some counselling together and unpicking some of your, and especially DH's, feelings. Even if things are on the up I really recommend it - I've done it." @donquixotedelamancha is so right.

Giving him back, I think I shared with you how dd pushed ds off his chair on day 2! I really wondered what the fuck I had gone.

And my birth dd is 13 and I still have fantasies of sending her off to stay with my sister (which is utterly unfeasible).

My only advice is not to share your reflection on this too early (or perhaps ever) with friends etc. Unless you 100% trust them. Not everyone will understand and yet we will completely understand or at least try to because we know that what we say and even what we want in this stressed out moments are not really what we want or feel long term!

Big hugs, do well, keep going.

what the fuck I had done (by adopting him)!

You also have to remember that your child will have attachment trauma as he's already on carer number 3 in his short life. Whatever happened for him to have been removed from his mother will have caused upset and confusion. He then went to foster carers and now he's with you. He will be confused and scared and needs to form his bond with you. No wonder he's whingy. As you give him love and cuddles and he builds his attachment to you life will get easier. Stay strong xx

I’m sorry to read this. It is still very early days. Perhaps you could consider a different sleeping arrangement while your child is young, like you and the baby in the spare room? I’d suggest your DH moving to a different bed space, but I doubt he’d be too keen for that to happen.

Tiredness brings out the worst in people. Sleep deprivation is miserable but don’t give up yet. Things will hopefully get better. Try and be patient with each other.

I'd gently advise you not to hold professional meetings or reviews at your home - your home should be a safe, secure space for your family, it's not an office space. The local authority should make space available for you and you should be able to take part fully in the meeting as your child's parent. It may not feel so important now but down the line if there are difficulties or disagreements with professionals you won't want that happening in your front room while you sit on the floor.

I'm glad your bond is growing with your little one - just be wary of professionals who talk about good attachment early in placement, attachment takes a long time to develop even in very little ones. It's the same folk who talk about attachment "transferring" from the foster carers to adoptive parents, attachment just doesn't work that way. At this stage a nice bond and developing relationship are fantastic signs that things are ok.