Urgent advice needed - think DH wants to give DS back

[BangPippleGo]

DS (14mo) was placed with us 3 weeks ago. He is waking during the night at 2am and then coming in with us - he slept through the night at his foster carers. He whinges when he is put down if you've been holding him. He's very clingy to me but doesn't really want DH yet. DH is constantly telling him "no" because he tries to climb on things he shouldn't etc because, you know, he's 14mo.

All of which I would say is normal behaviour for a 14mo. DH doesn't think so. Says "we can't give him back because then I would be the cunt who denied you your only chance if being a mum". I feel sick. I don't know what to do.

I can't believe people are picking up on discrepancies. For fuck sake, every adopter tweaks their kids info to make less identifying.

Psoriasis is so debilitating - I hope his treatment improves things quickly for him.

About 2 months into placement I remember clearly waking up for the day, swinging my legs out of bed and sitting there broken... and thinking it’s crystal clear clarity ‘I cannot do another day of this’

My kids were 6 and 5 and at school. All I had to do that morning was get them up, give them breakfast, get their teeth brushed, dressed, in the car then have 6 hours peace.

I honestly didn’t know how I was going to do it. I called them a lot of names to DH (who was working away for 4 nights a week for the first 6 months of placement)

Completely ignore the troll hunters and people with no experience of Adoption. They have absolutely no fucking clue.

Follow Dons advice. Give your husband some slack, but get him involved as much as you can in childcare rather than other jobs.

I am almost 4 years in, and truth be told I still struggle some times. But things are immeasurably better.

Hang in there.

with crystal clear

I love that folk who have never adopted seem to think it's helpful to comment on process, look for discrepancies etc instead of just supporting a new mum. Truly the very definition of "if you don't have anything good to say..."

It's very hard work and in those early weeks I truly thought I was having a breakdown, I did wonder what in the living hell I had done this for and tbh it's taken a while for me to feel differently. It does take time to find your feet so be gentle and don't make any big decisions while you're both knackered and emotionally overwhelmed.

Sending hugs to all of you OP - what you are going through is horrible, but you can get through it. We had a terrible time when DS was placed three years ago, and we thought we'd made an awful mistake. It was through frantically trawling the web for information on disruptions that I came across Mumsnet. We just kept saying we'd give it one more day, and then one more weekend, and then one more week. Three years on and we couldn't love him more, it's amazing. I really feel for your DH - my OH isn't a talker either, and found it hard to talk to anyone when we were going through it, and in the end found it easier to talk to a colleague who has fostering experience, rather than someone in our support network. I think that separation made it less shaming for him somehow. The sense of possible failure was overwhelming, and our hearts were on the point of breaking for DS. Sleep deprivation is just horrendous - I felt like my skin had been rubbed raw with wire wool for the first month.

Sounds like you are starting to take steps to look after yourselves and each other. Take it one day at a time, and know that it will get better.

@BangPippleGo "Had a quick talk after I got DS to sleep and we both love each other very much and are committed to making this work, we both just need to be a bit more understanding of each other." Fabulous update, so glad.

Agree with thomassmuggit "three weeks in is normal for wobbles, from either of you. Adopting isn't like having a birth child, we've done both. Both are hard, but it's different." We've also done both and they are different.

I was very ill with our birth dd so my dh got to be quite involved with dd. With ds when he came aged 3, he just wanted me. My poor dh was quite pushed to one side. We found some things he could do much better than me - soft play! I was afraid my rather rounder body would get stuck in the slide shoot at the soft play place! DH's slim, angular body was perfect for chasing ds around the soft play or pushing him on the swings!

I know your dh is limited physcially at the moment so could his job be a 20 minute TV programme with ds? We found 'Fireman Sam' was amazing. WE have a birth dd and had to factor her into things so she sat and watched Fireman Sam, even though it was spring when he came I think we did soem blanket snuggling TV watching!

Find something your dh does brilliantly! And if that can bring a smile to your baby's face, this may be the lifeline your dh needs to hang on.

EG you pop him in the swing (ds, not dh!) and you push from behind and dh makes some funny faces, or makes a toy or puppet appear from behind his back, or around the door frame at home! My dad used to do that, it always made us laugh. Find some little jokey things that your dh can do, that are just 'dad being dad!'

And give your dh lots of love and support because not being the favoured one is tough. My dd did this to me at age 3, she just said "Can you move out and I live with just dad?" Or words to that affect! I was heart broken. But I did not show it. I just said "I live here too, it's my home too."

Eventually it passed but it was tough. The important thing to remember is:

3 weeks is early days
Your baby is not being mean to exclude dh, he's just trying to cope
Your dh is doing lots of housework because he doesn't know what to do, he'd just trying to cope

Give everyone love and treats (chocolate for me but your dh may want a cuddle (with your consent!) or ice cream, or a lovely coffee.

(Avoid alchol as it tends to exacibate the moods and it is also bad for psoriasis, but I am sure you know that). Just FYI my friend had this and I am sure it is very tough so continue cutting him some slack and maybe look at if something in the diet is also causing the flare up.

www.everydayhealth.com/psoriasis/diet/foods-to-avoid-if-you-have-psoriasis/

Good luck.

He's only been with you 3 weeks! Surely he's still adjusting? Sleeplessness makes everyone feel shit. Once he's sleeping better the frustration will pass. Xxxxx

PS @BangPippleGo

"whereas he is currently on SPL for another 3 weeks then returning to a job he hates." Can he look at a job move once things have settled with your new ds? Doing a job you hate is soul dstroying. It is possible to change how you feel about your job, sometimes, could he look into some mindfulness to help him relax?

He sounds depressed, could he speak to the GP and get some advice/help.

Totally agree with donquixotedelamancha "Let your husband vent. Let him be depressed. Don't take comments too seriously. Don't expect to fix his feelings. Certainly don't threaten to leave him for telling you how how feels." And many other good points.

Just wanted to send a supportive hug! I remember feeling utterly destroyed in the months after AC was placed. I remember wondering if/when/How we could give the child back (not that we ever would have!). Try and go easy on each other. If you can face it just leave the cleaning, live on ready meals for a few weeks and go out. Go and play in the park, on the beach, kick a football but escape the domestic servitude and enjoy the fun you can all have. Have a look at some theraplay activities you can do as a family (simple things like putting lotion on each other's hands and making hand prints). I know what your DH said was raw but even in the darkest hour he's wanting to do right by you, and your son. It's just bloody hard right now. At 3 weeks in you're pretty much in the heart of the fire and you've got a lot of firefighting still to do. Go easy on yourselves!

Peek a boo is a good game for babies. I'm here, I go away, I'm back!

Touch like 'Round and round the garden' on the palm of the hand.

Taking baby swimming as well, but your dh may not enjoy that if he is feeling unwell.

Some more practical suggestions which helped us:

1. TV - I was dead against my LO watching TV at a young age but sometimes, needs must! 20 moms of Mr Tumble or Fireman Sam won’t do him any harm, it it will do you both good to get a short break. If DH puts him on his knee at the same time, it’s mkre time for touch and bonding.
2. will your LO sleep on you both? We found that LO napping on our knee helped to promote closeness and months later he still loves to do this.
3. any games which involve touch are great, even things like lying on the floor and getting LO to lie on your tummy, climb over you etc.
4. if you are funnelling, try to see other people when you can. We invited friends round after our DS had gone to bed. This was a lifesaver as it helped to a) have someone to talk to and b) feel a bit normal again.
5. can one or both of you get out to any baby groups? For me, this is a bit of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it got me out of the house and talking to people, and this was much needed. On the other hand, I thought that everybody was looking at me and could see that I didn’t know what I was doing! I kept imagining that people were looking at me and wondering why my interactions with my child were different from everybody else’s. In reality, I don’t think anyone ever knew that DS had only been in our lives for a few weeks but I felt very exposed at the beginning. However, if you are sociable and like company, it’s a good idea to get out and do things with your baby and other people.

Argh sorry for all the typos there, I’m still tired this morning!

Have you tried using a sling/carrier to promote closeness. He is not by any means too big for one. I would suggest a structured carrier such as a Tula or a lilliebaby. You can use with when out and about but also around the house for lots of cuddles and snuggles. We have a recently placed two year old who loves when out to be on my back on it and then in the house to be ‘on mummy’s belly’ when watching Leola. I stand and sway with her and we do cheek to cheek. It is so soothing for us both. Google to see if you have a local sling library where you can try before you buy and get proper advice for what is right for you.

Sorry watching peppa not Leola!! Stupid predictive text!!

Thanks for all the helpful responses!

Quick update- I'll try to keep it short.

Both up at 2am with DS. Finally managed to get him to sleep on my lap but DH was stressing about him not sleeping. Had a long (5 hour) discussion and got everything out in the open. Told him what I need him to do to step up and be a dad. I know I'm not perfrct either and I need to make some changes. Particularly helping me make decisions about DS and not just saying "just do whatever" whenever i ask for advice. Told him that he has to give this 100% or it will not work.

DS woke up briefly at 6.30am and DH took him onto his lap for a cuddle, then just before 7am I told DH that since I was going out for the morning anyway to see SIL (was meant to be taking DS) would it be better if I just got up and left then, leaving DH with DS for the morning so he could do everything from the moment he wakes up. DH thought this would work so I left at 7 went to see SIL and her mum for the morning. Felt so nice to be back to myself for a bit. Kept in touch with DH and they were fine, DH even said "you should do this more often". DS wouldn't nap but not a major problem....i got back an hour ago to find them both on the sofa fast asleep! They've had fun I feel awful for leaving DS for so long but had to be done.

Also I am taking DS out tomorrow for the morning so DH can have some "time off" too!

Our kids were older when placed but I'd strongly echo the need for both of you to have some time off - it's so easy to loose sight of yourself in the midst of caring for a traumatised little one while you're identity and role change permanently. Also think about the idea of giving 100% all the time - no one can give so much of themselves without refilling their own tank regularly, you'll both burn out. Try and make sure you're both doing things you enjoy or that relax you and know that it's ok for you both to take your foot off the gas from time to time.

Pleased to read things are picking up a bit. What he said was very thoughtless but if he’s ordinarily a decent chap I’d put it down to being overwhelmed and feelings of guilt rather than deliberate malice.

FWIW I’ve ignored obvious signs of PAD for about four years and because I didn’t speak up it’s bit biting me on the bum big time in that’s it’s effecting me at work. If he is feeling depressed then please have him speak to his GP

Only read the beginning of this thread so apologies if I have missed anything. Personally I would give your husband a chance - sounds like he has a lot on his plate with his own health problems and adoption itself is very stressful.

You do need to tell him to watch his mouth though because things that are said cannot be unsaid and one day he will really regret saying these awful things.

It’s quite possible that he is finding that loving his biological child was much easier than loving this adopted child - this is very normal too but could very well be really worrying him and instead of dealing with it he’s lashing out.

Also - does he know it’s really normal for child to bond with one parent first. Our daughter bonded with my husband months and months before she did so with me -she had had awful female carers before us and didn’t really like women. It was really hard for me to take!

I hope things get better

That update is FANTASTIC! Well done.

Ps of baby wakes on the night can one of you deal with baby elsewhere and other get back to sleep. If one of you can't calm him, it's unlikely two will be able to do any better IMHO; so other person may as well get some sleep.

You are doing brilliantly.

This morning was the first time off I've had since he came home - I know it's still early days but it has been intense. DH has had quite a few afternoons where I've taken DS off for a couple of hours but until now the most I've been away from DS is when DH takes him on the 30 minute school run, or the one evening I went to a friends after DS was already on bed.

It's good to know that I can make plans to do things other than just being with DS and that DH will cope without causing DS any distress!

Lovely update.

Also spoke to our SW first thing this morning to ask if we can get some extra support. Told her DH is struggling with his illness on top of an already stressful situation, and that I'm getting snappy at him because of this. She was chuffed to bits that I called her said it's all normal and she is there to support us. She's having a think about the best ways to do that, including getting DH a mentor, and is coming to visit tomorrow afternoon. She said she always knew I would be in touch if things were tough and she's proud of us for admitting it.

Ease off on the social activities. I am surprised your social worker and prep group didn’t go through this with you already to be honest.

Now is not the time for DS to be taken on a whirl of activities. He needs time to bond with you and DH. Other family members and friends come into it later.