Urgent advice needed - think DH wants to give DS back

[BangPippleGo]

DS (14mo) was placed with us 3 weeks ago. He is waking during the night at 2am and then coming in with us - he slept through the night at his foster carers. He whinges when he is put down if you've been holding him. He's very clingy to me but doesn't really want DH yet. DH is constantly telling him "no" because he tries to climb on things he shouldn't etc because, you know, he's 14mo.

All of which I would say is normal behaviour for a 14mo. DH doesn't think so. Says "we can't give him back because then I would be the cunt who denied you your only chance if being a mum". I feel sick. I don't know what to do.

Could you explain why your DH is doing all the cooking and cleaning if he is suffering from a serious illness and chronic fatigue. Is he working outside the home too. Have you told the social workers or agencies involved about your difficulties. Would employing a cleaner to at least take over the housework help? Obviously something needs to be done.

OP, we are 7 weeks into a new placement with our second and its fucking horrible. You aren't aline. My other half is also struggling and depressed/tearful. It will and does get better but he may need to talk to his gp and consider antidepressants for post adoption depression.
It's brutal being the rejected parent - I can totally sympathise with his position.
Ignore the non adopters here being judgemental - talk of kicking him out is ludicrous. Keep talking to him and supporting each other.
I've pm'd you. X

I agree with every word from donquixotedelamancha - excellent advice

@comehomemax. Thankyou.

It's brutal being the rejected parent

Never a truer word spoken. That's why hubby doing all the cleaning- it's easier than doing the childcare and feeling like a shit dad.

Hello, I'm not an adopter but my DH parents with a chronic illness that involves significant fatigue. For him, sleep is all important so it is protected. It's not exactly fair, but for the first year he slept in the spare room and I was in with DC. He does some night wake ups now but if he's in a flare I take over. I make sure to give him time alone without DC.

It is hard and at times I feel resentful that my needs come last, but I know my DH has limited energy and it helps to put in place strategies so he can spend it as "well" as possible with the family. If your DH has chronic pain it is easy to fall into a situation depression - it really sucks getting no relief. I have personal counselling sessions which help massively living with the uncertainty of everything. Good luck

Re: climbing being normal DH doesn't think so.
He is wrong.

OP, ignore everything here that’s not from an adopter, seriously. They don’t get it.

3 weeks in was our absolute nadir. It got better. Not sure how, it just did. Be kind to yourselves (and each other).

I've not asked DH to pick up the extra domestic duties he's just seeing what needs doing at doing it - the same way if he's cooking dinner and notice that the dishwasher needs emptying I get on and do it. I've said all along to him that housework can wait til DS is in bed and we will split it, it only takes 10 mins as we are clutter-free anyway. But I think he's using it as an excuse to get away for a but and shut himself in the kitchen with the football on his phone and getting some leave and quiet whilst also making himself useful.

Didn't want to go into detail but his illness is psoriasis. It's generally well managed but because of the cock up with treatment it has gotten bad and at the worst possible time. It's not so serious that it massively effects every day living, mostly just that he doesn't feel up for going out for walks or getting down and playing on the floor when he's having this bad a flare up. When he's had flare ups before he's carried on as normal playing football etc so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to do some housework when DS is literally glued to my hip all day and we are both off work (he doesn't go back until the end of Feb).

My friend came to get me and we went for a walk to clear my head whilst DH was home with DS. Then I took DS to my friends for a couple of hours so DH could have some time to think. Had a quick talk after I got DS to sleep and we both love each other very much and are committed to making this work, we both just need to be a bit more understanding of each other.

Oh GOd, poor you and poor baby.

he's just being a baby

Sounds like he wasn't ready to be a parent

Hello Mum, congratulations on your son!!

I don’t have experience of adoption so will leave that to the lovely parents that are posting here but your post came up in active and I wanted to send you a hug.

You are doing brilliantly. For what it’s worth as not directly comparable my daughter is 12 months and co sleeps and much prefers me to her dad. Also, when my son was born my husband felt really left out and it affected our relationship. We went for counselling and it really helped. I was thinking that if your husband is ill he would probably ideally like more of your attention rather than less so perhaps it’s unfortunate timing in that respect that he’s ill and feeling rotten. I hope he feels better soon.

Its great that your little guy is bonding with his mum and these bumpy times do pass, even when they feel impossible.

The supportive advice upthread sounds great and please know that lots of mumsnetters are sending support and wishing you well xx

Makes sense that DH might be hiding. I (for the only time in my life) steam cleaned the kitchen floor every single day in the first few weeks of placement just so I could legitimately not have them dangling off me for a while.

Godstopper my DS was 13.5mo when he came home, changed it slightly to make it less identifiable. Not sure how helpful it is for you to bring up a 6 week age discrepancy, or that things seemed better two weeks ago. I know parents who have bought their newborn home in a loved up state of bliss and then a few weeks in are pulling their hair out too

OP this thread seems to have attracted lots of people who haven’t adopted so have absolutely no understanding of what you’re going through.
Go back and read the post by **donquixotedelamancha -it’s spot on.
I had a truly terrible time in the initial weeks post placement and I felt like I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. It took some time for things to get better but now my DS is the centre of my world and I love him beyond measure. Please be kind to yourselves and deal with each day as it comes. Try not to think ahead and just concentrate on getting through each day. Encourage your DH to focus on the small wins - little smiles and laughs from my DS brought some light on even the darkness days.
Do feel free to vent on here too. It’s not easy to talk about these feelings in real life but this should be a safe environment and there are lots of us here to support you.
Does your DH have anyone he can talk to?

Of course. There are no discrepancies. None at all. My apologies.

I change odd details about my kids too. I doubt it's indicative of mendacity.

Re: climbing being normal DH doesn't think so. He is wrong.

At around this age DD1 could climb above adult head height on things like the cargo netting in soft play. It was terrifying/hysterical- we'd turn around and she'd be sat on top of the fireguard.

Sounds tricky. I'm a single adopter, the early days were tricky and exhausting although I have to say them "going back" never entered my head. Do you think he said that without really thinking about what he was saying?
On a practical level could you and baby sleep separate to DH if it's making his illness worse? Could you structure the day so he was getting a little time alone every day and a little time with DS every day to start building those bonds.

Thank you socks. DH isnt much of a talker and doesnt have many close friends who he would talk to about this, nor is his mum much good at heart to hearts. He's good friends with my best friends husband, and when I was round there this afternoon he said he'd take him out for a beer soon forms chat. They aren't adopters but have a DS just days older than our DS and so he can reassure DH how much of this is normal!

Godstopper don't be nasty.

OP- three weeks in is normal for wobbles, from either of you. Adopting isn't like having a birth child, we've done both. Both are hard, but it's different.

Post adoption depression is real, and can affect dads as much as mums. But it sounds like he's ill anyway, which adds a different difficulty into the mix.

I agree with donquixotedelamancha. Funneling is important, but so is your relationship and sanity.

3 weeks in to an adoption, please don't listen to anyone suggesting breaking up your marriage! That is not fair on your new son. Just take it all an hour at a time.

I didn't crack up until a couple of months in, but the drudgery was a huge part of it. If you can possibly afford a cleaner, get one.

Be kind to yourselves, all of you. Your frightened little baby, and both his parents.

we both just need to be a bit more understanding of each other
That sounds absolutely great. Psoriasis sound dreadful, I am not surprised that your dh is not feeling very positive. If there are particular things he would enjoy doing now, encourage him to do them with dc. It sounds as though you are very happy, so just be conscious of encouraging their bond and it will come. don says he does half the child care while not at work. Starting now. It will take a while, and it will be hard at first, but this will be the thing that sorts these issues in the long run and this is really good advice even if it doesn't feel possible or even desirable now.

As an aside, I thought adoption threads didn't appear in 'active' to prevent some ignorant non-adopters replying to things unhelpfully?

thomassmuggit I thought that too!

One more thing, OP. You have said you are snapping at DH. Try hard not to snap or argue, and to switch your attention to your baby and remember how happy you are when you feel stressed, because your baby will pick up on your stress and it will affect how your baby is now and and in the future. I know it is hard, but it is worth it. Hopefully your dh is the type to try to choose his battles too.