Siblings

[mumofblueeyes]

Hi all. We have had our adopted LO for about 20 months now and he has settled in wonderfully. He is 4 and the process has been fantastic. By a strange twist of fate his birth family live horribly close even though they all used to live the other end of the county. The Birth Dad is in a new relationship and lives about 5 miles away (His partners son is in the same year as my son at school which is not a good situation). His partner gave birth to his son today, so a half brother for our LO. The birth mother lives about 10 miles away and is also due to give birth any day. She is still on a very high dose of methadone and has split up with the baby's father. I only know about these new babies due to Facebook/Local Contacts, not from Social Care. My slightly long winded question therefore is, will Social Care automatically know about these new siblings to ensure they stay safe? Should I let them know or does that look like I am an outrageous stalker. How does this process work (do they ask parents if they have a baby taken away before, is there a database??). We have always wanted to adopt a second so are wondering if we may get approached in the future. Thank you for any advice.

SS will know. As soon as there is a pregnancy the midwife will have informed SS. Only thing would be if the Dad's partner hasn't put him down as father on the forms. It probably won't get flagged up then.

SS should know - midwives should have informed them of the pregnancy.
for your sanity have you considered moving?....it all seems too close - if i were you i could not stay away, especially with the desire for another child.
How do you keep your son safe with his partners son in the class?
For the Birth mothers privacy do you think it is morally right to be looking on FB etc?...SS would class that as an invasion of her privacy - you should not be looking her up like that really.

Please talk to post adoption services and get some advice - if it looks like you are stalking them, its probably because you have blurred the boundaries i'm afraid.

That all sounds a bit too close for comfort. Does the birth family know you have so much knowledge of them? They're entitled to their privacy and really it's none of your business whether they have SS involvement in their current situations or not. In your shoes I'd block their profiles on Facebook, distance yourself in the community and look for a new school for your child. Give everyone a bit of space.

If you're serious about wanting a second, contact SS and start the process properly - they'll know if there might be a sibling match or not and can assess as appropriate.

As a birth mum who has worked enormously hard to change my life I would be beyond livid if my sons parents were to be using Facebook or any form of social media to find information out in regards to myself. Knowing where they live etc is a massive breach of their right to privacy.

SS will have been informed. I also find it unsettling you know the mother is still on a high dose of methadone as well.

All of this info is intensely personal and whilst address and siblings does affect your child the information should be coming via SS and having discussed with my sons SW a new baby wouldn't be mentioned until decisions in regards to them have been made.

With respect Ourmiracle, people know there are privacy settings on Facebook and can lock down their accounts accordingly. I don't think adopters need a lecture from you on that point, there are many reasons why someone would use Facebook to keep an eye on things, especially if the family live exceptionally close. I would do anything to keep my LO safe, including gaining info where I can.
Op - speak with say about another child.

sprigofrosemary that is not the most charming of posts. I think it is more a question of whether the OP has blurred the boundaries by "stalking" and not respected someone else's privacy, as per other pps, not whether or not someone has the right settings on their facebook account. I think it is very unlikely that you would need to intrude on someone else's privacy to keep your child safe. You obviously feel differently.

There's one thing keeping your child safe but it feels as if the OP has gone further than that in this case surely? Knowing about medications, mum due to give birth. Splitting from partner seems much more personal.

And I am fully aware of privacy settings on my Facebook. And have chosen to revert to my maiden name for Facebook purposes.

I feel there's a strong difference between protecting your child and interfering in birth parents lives. Knowing about relationships and medications which have no implication on your child at given time is over stepping those boundaries surely?

Imagine if it was the other way around and a birth parent was to say I found my child's birth parents on Facebook and I know where they live etc?

It would also concern me that if I could find this information so easily later on so could my child?

SprigofRosemary - not once did OP mention keeping her LO once safe.

OP mentioned wanting another child, keeping tabs on birth family via fb and social contacts. She mentions concerns about the siblings safety - which obviously prompted her to ask these questions, but then seems concerned that her stalking would be questioned by SS - which of course it will be.

As adopters we all do things to keep our children safe - (and yes adopters do have a look on FB etc....SS do not condone this!).....for OP moving kids out of the same school where the birth father also does pick ups would probably be a priority !

sS may not be aware. I have been told by SW previously that when they move LA'S the info doesn't necessarily flow that easily between LA's and so they can easily be 'lost'.

If you want to adopt again then I would contact social services to start the assessment - that would then trigger conversation between your old LA and new anyway so if they don't already know about the baby it might come to light. If your child is 4 years though it is possible either BM or bf have turned their life around and are able to keep this baby. Depends I guess on what the issues were first time round

I don't agree that you can post things on social media for all to access and then be upset people are not respecting your privacy. If my son's birth mum found me on facebook then I would need to accept that as a risk of my being on there in the first place. I mitigate that risk by having very high privacy settings and not accepting friend requests unless I know someone personally. The way I respect my son's privacy is to never post photos of him and only post the occasional reference to him. If you don't want to risk people you do not know (or don't want in your life) accessing your social media profile then you should not be on social media.

I check up on my son's birth mum on facebook. I do it, to be quite frank, because I like to check she is still around, roughly where she is and if she has any more children, not because I want to snoop but because I think it is important for my son's sake that I know these things and given how itinerant she is, there is a real risk none of these things would come to the attention of social services. There is a chance my son might seek her out when he is older and I want to help him prepare.

I'm a foster carer and I've had social workers tell me that they regularly check birth parents facebook.
It is pretty simple to not have it open to the public.
Plus the childrens social workers have managed to save photos of child with parents etc for their life story book. Photos the child most probably would never have got to see otherwise.

The issue for me isn't that she looked at online info in and of itself but that she's talking to local contacts about birth family which is impossible without breaching birth families right to privacy. That behaviour is quite concerning and should be questioned by social work.

Thanks for all your replies. Can I be clear -dad and new partner put things on community Facebook pages that people reply to. Groups that I am on such as ‘for sale in X’ and ‘I live in the town of X’. Mums detail are described in depth in court documents that we received. So no direct stalking, just the realities of living in a small rural community. It dominates our life - we cannot attend local events (fetes etc) for fear of bumping into them, do not visit local parks and so on. Yes, we are desperate to move away. They all lived an hour away and have by coincidence both moved closer. Re the sons class, it is my older son whose class he is in, not my LO. The realities of moving are not always easy though for all kind of factors - mainly employment related. However, I have 2 job applications in and if I get one we will be off! So if we could move on from the how I got the information issue, I do hold this info - should I tell Social Care? LO was removed for neglect and Birth father has a violent history (prison sentences), drug user etc.

Jelly cats - ‘quite concerning’ is a little extreme. You don’t know anything about me to make such judgements. I live in a small rural community where people know people. It is not a situation I have asked for or created but am trying to live with to keep us all safe. In this context my ‘contact’ is the previous foster carer of my LO. Until we can move away and start a new life this is the reality of where we live.

The foster carer should be holding a boundary and not talking to you about birth family and you should be maintaining that boundary by not talking about it and telling her not to talk to you about it. I'm guessing the birth family haven't put details of her methadone script on the community selling pages for example and that really is none of your business. It doesn't affect your child now and doesn't of itself mean she isn't able to parent her new baby and if it there are concerns her addiction social worker will pick those up and deal with it.

In saying that, you can't unknow what you know regardless of how you came by the information so if you feel the need by all means contact social services - but expect them to want to explore how you keep appropriate boundaries in a small rural community and don't expect them to get into a discussion with you about whether they're aware of the new children or what they might be doing to support the families much less whether they think the child might be removed and placed for adoption in future. The birth family are entitled to privacy even in a small community.

"Plus the childrens social workers have managed to save photos of child with parents etc for their life story book."

I find that really concerning tbh, as a SW I'd expect to be both disciplined and deregistered if I saved, held and used personal photographs without the service users explicit permission. It's one thing a private individual posting photos on social media for family and friends to view, and always there's the possibility that someone might save them but for a social worker to view a service users Facebook profile, save photographs and share them in any capacity without permission is ethically questionable.

Jellycats the photos are public and to be honest I'm glad the children do get them when they're already losing so much already!

Flowers...and do the sw write...here is a photo i took without permission from social media, allowing you at a later date to scan it into a computer and trace your birth parent simply via one image they once scanned in, thus breaching the security your adopters will try so hard to build!
Have your sw not had any IT training...or know what is possible once an image is online.....pure stupidity!

The social worker has a duty to talk to the birth parents and ask permission to save, store and use photographs. Yes the children have lost a huge amount, but frankly so have birth parents who shouldn't also loose the right to privacy, dignity and respect.

I'd hit the roof if a professional saved something i had posted on social media and used it without my permission. I would fully be within my rights to complain and have that taken seriously, not be told it's fair game because I didn't secure my account sufficiently.

Can I just point out how would I as a birth parent be safe guarded should photos of me end up in the wrong hands? Or reveals my work/ home address? Surely I have the right to know how and where my personal information is going to be stored and shared? And surely I as an adult have a right to deny this if I feel it leaves me vulnerable?

OurMiracle - our experience sadly has been that lots of fc/adopters view birth parents as having lost their rights to everything....as PP here show.

we do not feel that way and have never disclosed photos of BP, or details of BP to anyone outside of our children. we have specific reasons for doing so, but we also do respect our BP rights to privacy - and hope one day a new start for them is possible :)

For you as an adult it is now your responsibility to safeguard your own information - as you do - and trust that in your letterbox your adopters are protecting you - as you are them and your LO. SS as you have read are a law unto themselves sometimes....but i would hope as you provided them with all they needed for your LO they did not need to 'go underground' and dig up stuff about you to save for their life story work...
please do not worry - our childrens SW would never have dreamed of doing such a thing....i believe its a sack-able offence where we are.

I don't really have the energy to leap back into this debate but I will add that although I don't blame anyone for checking up on Facebook, I have never shown my family any photos of bp or told them names. I feel like I am being quite harshly judged, along with other adopters on this thread who have a different opinion to yours Boston. Just because we may use Facebook as a tool does not mean we are publicising anything about our children's birth parents.
stepping away from this thread now, and indeed this entire board.

OP I really hope you manage to move soon, I certainly couldn't tolerate the situation you are in. I would be so paranoid! Good luck!

Can I just point out how would I as a birth parent be safe guarded should photos of me end up in the wrong hands? Or reveals my work/ home address? Surely I have the right to know how and where my personal information is going to be stored and shared?

The information the op is talking about is either from FB in which case it's public. Or it's gossip from a fc who shouldn't be gossiping. And sws shouldn't be taking things from FB either clearly.

But op isn't a professional and it's not her job to monitor the fc or even really to act professionally wrt social media. I think we're asking a bit much of her there tbh. She's looked at FB. Lots of adopters look at FB. Possibly most.

And sites like this are much less secure than they can appear - even a username can be identifying, or dates or reported conversations. So your privacy as a birth parent is mostly in your hands I would say - particularly online.

All the adopters I know use Facebook to 'monitor' BF where possible. Some it's because they live too close for comfort, others because there's a security risk. SS are so short staffed and over worked that they're often unable (or unwilling) to provide adopters with up to date information regarding potential risks to placements and are often sketchy about the true situation re. BF.

As for saving photos from Facebook I know of one adopter who did it from BM's fully public page on the advice of her SW. No photos had been given to SS of the DC by BF and the SW suggested that some be saved from Facebook to fill in the holes. Ethically it is dubious, but I think in the same position I'd do exactly the same thing. I know of other SWs who monitor BF because it's the only way they can keep tabs on what's happening with them.

Needless Facebook stalking is clearly wrong, but the issue is that often in adoption it's not needless. It's done to reassure and ensure safety of our families - not nosiness. When it comes to keeping our DC safe I'm not sure there isn't anything I wouldn't do - if that means blurring the lines a little then so be it.

It's all too easy to forget how easy it is to identify someone online. As Conserve points out usernames can be identifying - even a totally anonymous site like MN, on a quiet board like this the wrong username can instantly identify you (it amazes me that Miracle continues to use such an identifying username, yet frequently bemoans her son's adopters knowing anything about her - all they need to do is see her username and read a few of her posts and hey presto they know an awful lot about her!).

To be fair I've shared as much as I can with the adopters. There are plenty of things however that I feel are irrelevant- relationship status for instance- this has no relevance on my son or his security.
They are aware of the area which Iive but I don't feel the need to tell them my working pattern- again as I don't feel it's relevant.
I've provided photos and have sent a couple of New ones of me since his adoption which is possibly why it would feel such a breech of my privacy if they were to use social media for info