Siblings

[mumofblueeyes]

Hi all. We have had our adopted LO for about 20 months now and he has settled in wonderfully. He is 4 and the process has been fantastic. By a strange twist of fate his birth family live horribly close even though they all used to live the other end of the county. The Birth Dad is in a new relationship and lives about 5 miles away (His partners son is in the same year as my son at school which is not a good situation). His partner gave birth to his son today, so a half brother for our LO. The birth mother lives about 10 miles away and is also due to give birth any day. She is still on a very high dose of methadone and has split up with the baby's father. I only know about these new babies due to Facebook/Local Contacts, not from Social Care. My slightly long winded question therefore is, will Social Care automatically know about these new siblings to ensure they stay safe? Should I let them know or does that look like I am an outrageous stalker. How does this process work (do they ask parents if they have a baby taken away before, is there a database??). We have always wanted to adopt a second so are wondering if we may get approached in the future. Thank you for any advice.

Once again this is all coming down to 'adopters need to understand. Adopters need to be open minded.' No argument there. But this thread was started by an adopter who was then jumped on by fcs, bps and sws. So why does that NEVER cut both ways?

IME adopters here bend over backwards to accommodate everyone else. And I get that adopters are 'the winners' in adoption although Lord knows it doesn't always look that way on this board but I don't think we should always have to STFU or be roundly berated every time we are slightly less than perfect.

Pondlife-gate anyone?

Conserve I shall not argue back as I understand that until we all walk in its other's shoes we can not fully understand. I simply want to clarify that at no point do I hold back my love for these little ones. I do not emotionally withdraw and simply get on with nurturing them. I do not fake it, I love them unconditionally and fall in love head, foot and sinker with them. When they have moved home to their birth family my heart has broke into tiny little pieces but I have survived it simply because of my strong faith and the pride I have in the birth family, whom I have come to know well through the process, in the fact that despite the odds stacked against them they have changed their lives around. I never stop loving these little ones and in my heart they will always be one of my cherished children. I would never want to come across as emotionally withdrawn or cold and just wanted to clarify that following on from your comment.

I think reading through this it has not just been SW's and FC's who have commented on the Facebook issue. There have been adopters who believe it is not appropriate showing that there is a spectrum of perspectives.

I also don't want to argue with converse but moved on a child to adoption earlier this year, I had attached to that child and went through a grieving process when she left.

Whilst i won't deny especially with the older children (teenagers I may have faked it as that is what they have needed) love does then grow and we grieve there losses when they leave.

I present have to long term placements who will never be adopted due to their age and additional needs and find would never allow it. I love these children as my own and don't they deserve that ?

There are some crap foster carers out there who do this for money and I'm sorry to anyone who has had experience through them but this is not a job it's a vocation we don't get weekends off. Although on the other side I do feel for adoptees as it would appear as though some of you are just left with no support at all !

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conserve I agree with pinklady and it has only been a handful of adopters saying anything like "STFU". Not all adopters think they are the winners.

In relation to "pondlife" and all your attacks there, aimed at an adoptee I should remind you, some of your posts have been the most unpleasant and vile that I have ever read on mumsnet. I hope to goodness that how you are in RL does NOT reflect how you are online. Good luck to you.

I don't see anyone saying adopters need to do anything, I see differences in opinion across the piece but surely that's what a discussion board is about. I know it can feel like adopters feelings are the very last consideration - I know i felt that way in my own process - and that can leave folk feeling defensive but it's not a race to see who is the most committed, most loving, most giving.

It can also be like living in a glass bowl where our every decision can be questioned and at times children can be given to much power! Because a social worker who dosent full understand the child thinks that will meet their needs.

I'm just putting it from the other side here though and would never be disrespectful to anyone I feel for north family's, adoptees and foster carers and feel surely everyone has a voice

Well there's probably something more pointless than two people arguing on the Internet about whether they have the same internal experience but I'm not sure what it is.

I don't think you're cold or emotionless. I am saying that the experience of being an dc and being an adopter are different. And I don't care whether people 'get' that until they start telling me - on threads about children being returned from adoptive placements to their bps - that I shouldn't take issue with that because they were able to wave their fcs off with a song in their heart etc etc. And that the bond between a 'natural mother and her child is unbreakable' etc etc. Which happens with depressing frequency and fucks me right off

In relation to "pondlife" and all your attacks there, aimed at an adoptee I should remind you, some of your posts have been the most unpleasant and vile that I have ever read on mumsnet. I hope to goodness that how you are in RL does NOT reflect how you are online. Good luck to you

Well I wasn't actually on the 'pondlife' thread although I have read it. And it was and argument between a sw and an adopter. So I'm a bit bemused by how vile I was there to an adoptee

Meow 🐱

I clearly missed the pondlife thread....as no idea what that is all about...

This thread has just made me want to NC every time I post now 😯

Well in fairness I probably shouldn't have raised it. TAAT and sleeping dogs and all that.

It was just sort of emblematic of how sometimes adopters need to rant a bit and say things which are maybe not perfect and how sometimes they don't get the space for that.

Basically an adopter used the term to refer to the bps who, iirc, had seriously abused and damaged her children and an sw decided that she was a terrible person for doing so.

I don't have any problem with anyone being here. I think we all have stuff to add. But it's hard adopting children sometimes, and I think we need a bit of space to be less than perfect here. And I don't think the op got that on this thread.

Conserve-agree. That was what grated my cheese: it was the tone of a lot of the posts, the wrist slapping and the dismissive attitude about the risk represented by bps to someone who was clearly out of her mind with worry about bumping into bps. It seems her only crime was joining a few local Facebook groups, not averting her eyes when bps posted and listening to someone who had information which might impact on her family. Instead of a bit of support she was told off for not using the correct heading for her post as it gave a distasteful impression and was roundly scolded for her "concerning" use of Facebook which seems to amount to reading publicly available posts.

That was what grated my cheese:

Did I misread a foster carer trying to blame adoptive parents for disruptions?

And making out your life is soooooooo much harder for being a foster carer...

Yeah, fostering has challenges. That's why there's a foster carers board. Sorry if we don't engage too much about how hard it is on the adoption board.

Fostering is different to adopting. It's different. If you can't see that, you don't understand adoption.

thomas you absolutely did just read that disruptions are the adopter's fault. You did just read that. I know.

Not sure she's a fc but I hope how she comes across online does not reflect how she is IRL.

Just sayin.

I don't post much on adoption at the moment.

Real life tough and I'm only up for a harmless rant on pointless threads at the moment but with a couple of rare threads aside I would say that the adoption board has historically been for anyone who wants to engage with it and certainly isn't only for adoptive parents.

We have raised this repeatedly with MN but as someone said MN just don't seem to get the "adoption" really isn't just about becoming a parent.

Did I misread a foster carer trying to blame adoptive parents for disruptions? I think I might have misread that too, but dealing with the after shocks as a parent might make us somewhat more touchy about being a rubbish parent as I suspect very many of us ultimately wonder if our children would do so mch better with someone who actually seems to know what they're doing!

This thread covers so many areas it's almost impossible to engage in it.

• I think the OP was a bit misjudged particularly with the "maybe there'll be a sibling for us" tinge towards the end, but we've all misjudged stuff at times and I think OP has subsequently clarified that she wasn't searching personal FB pages.
• I think people try to be respectful of birth parents who post in here because it's a brave thing to do and many of us over the years have developed a more "personal" relationship with Miracle which has gone beyond being an anonymous birth parents and so we listen to her views (even if we don't always agree) from the perspective of knowing her in the same way as you would discuss stuff with your friends ie knowing where they're coming from. I have no information about DS's BM - no photos no information not even a name and I do like to hear from Miracle as my adopted birth parent. If you want a protected space as adoptive parents there are others which are moderated.
• yes we tend to be a bit more robust than other boards, you have to find one which works for you.
• I was on pondlife-gate but we all kissed and made up afterwards so twas all fine.

I think the most shocking thing was that a professional (FC) who is in a position of trust was sharing confidential information (medications) with someone who has no right to know, which I'm sure is breech of confidentiality and could undermine SS at court as well as leave them and FC open to being sued.

I think everyone thoughout the adoption process has a difficult time. It's never going to be an easy topic to talk about, adoptive parents are always going to want more than can always be given in terms of info etc, birth parents are always going to be highly emotive- often a lot of our rights have been felt to be violated and foster carers who Bridge the gap and are often "piggy in the middle" and meet and get to know birth parents and children are always going to have a demanding role in not letting emotions affect them.

So to all involved in the love and care, security and stability of my son, including the judge who made the heart breaking ruling from the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for looking after my son when I could not and for making me realise that I couldn't give him what he needed no matter how much I love him

thomass why did you ask other people if you had misread rather than asking me what I meant? I referred to parenting in my earlier post, not blame or fault.

Do you think that disruptions/adoptions running into difficulties are not related to parenting at all? The focus should be on turning things around so that the child is helped, not blaming or attributing fault.

If an adopter seeks help later on and says "we have tried everything, nothing works, please help" and help is given, and changes are proposed to parenting and things are turned around (and yes this does happen), fault and blame are irrelevant. If an adopter seeks help and says "I gave my adopted child x, they are ungrateful, they are just like their bio parents and that is a bad thing" (and yes, this does also happen) or if they refuse to consider that changes may be made via parenting then the focus should still be to try to turn things around to help the child, and yes a human reaction might be to attribute fault but that wouldn't come into play professionally and the focus remains on trying to find ways to turn things around.

I think more can and should be done to help adopters to prevent the problems in the first place. But at the same time I think adopters should engage with non-adopters.

fatberg for me and most people how we are online reflects how we are in RL.

But you've just repeatedly what you said before and confirmed what you said that discruptions are significantly due to parenting (of the adoptive parents).

Or have I got that wrong?

I've seen a disruption close up and personal and if there was a failure in paretning skills it was one which no run of the mill parent with no super human powers would suffer from equally.

Cries for help went unheeded until it was way too late.

I myself have asked for help (not for my parenting because that is of course beyond reproach) for my child and it was been spectactularly lacking. Sensible suggestions were made (about the kind of therapy he needs) but they can't find anyone free to do it so they just shrugged and left me to it.

"I gave my adopted child x, they are ungrateful, they are just like their bio parents and that is a bad thing" (and yes, this does also happen)

Is this really common enough to be raising it as a example? Out of curiosity. I mean I do understand that we aren't any more perfect than any other kind of parent but I've never come across that before.

But at the same time I think adopters should engage with non-adopters. - do you think we don't? 95% of the people I "engage" with are non-adopters - including all the professionals in DS's life.

Perhaps I have misunderstood what you're saying.

I've just posted on another thread about these boards being open to all in adoption and posters being accountable for what they write. I think we all, as people involved in adoption, have a duty of care to each other to not engage in threads where our perspectives on a subject are not relevant to the original post.

It's interesting to then see a thread where the op writes from the perspective of an adoptive parent, gets piled on a bit by posters who themselves are not adoptive parents, and therefore completely miss her point.

I'm pretty sure the op here was just in a panic about living under the noses of the birth family and the impending births of two potentially very vulnerable children. It's a real shame she then got accused of stalking and wanting to essentially take those babies for herself.

In my view op, it takes a village to raise a child. If you have identified concerns surrounding your child's biological family I think you have a duty of care to report those concerns to social services. And to those who say it's not her business. Of course it's her business, it's all of our business if there is a potential risk involved to any of these children.

The focus should be on turning things around so that the child is helped

Thank goodness you're here.

kewcumber I think there is a difference between saying that it is a lot to do with parenting and saying that it is the fault of the parent. I agree with you that often cries for help go unheeded. I agree with you that help is often spectactularly lacking. Is this really common enough to be raising it as a example? yes, ime it is common enough to be raised as an example.

In relation to engaging with non-adopters do you think we don't? 95% of the people I "engage" with are non-adopters - including all the professionals in DS's life I only made the comment in response to posters on this thread who were saying upthread that sws and foster carers and birth parents were not helpful on this board.

I think Bitchfromhell has captured nicely why the posts on this thread roundly scolding the op because they didn't understand her perspective were unhelpful.

Which is probably best seen by the fact that (understandably) she has completely disappeared from a thread which she started to get support. What she got was judgment, sanctimony and lectures from people who really don't understand what she is going through.

That doesn't mean adopters fail to engage with non-adopters or they shouldn't post here. However, when they wade in on topics as here where someone has come on for support their lack of understanding could quite possibly make someone already feeling bad feel worse. Given this is a place where adopters come for support on adoption issues, that isn't really ok.

For example, how has a thread which was about whether an adopter should report her concerns about birth family turned into a thread about a non-adopter lecturing adopters about adoption breakdowns and suggesting it is their lack of engagement and understanding about bfs which cause them? Unless I have misunderstood something.

I think this thread quite nicely illustrates why there should be a separate adoption sub section under the parenting section of Mumsnet. This section in Becoming a Parent is ambiguous and invites comment from all parties. Sometimes welcome, sometimes not.

In my opinion, a separate section purely for adoptive parents would clarify the sort of advice and support posters are after, from people with similar perspectives. Without facing the sort of accusation this op faced from people who just don't understand.