Do I carry on the search for my biological parents, and how would you feel if your child did it??

[jofeb04]

I've been trying to trace my biological parents for over a year now, and finally social services have an address for me. But, I am really nervous, unsure whether to take it to the next step.

The main thing is I don't know how to tell my dparents, who I love dearly, and would never want to hurt them, so if I decided to take it further, I would have to tell them.

How would you feel if your dc informed you that they wanted to search, and if you are an adoptee, what would you do?
I know this is a sensitive area, so if you want, cat me.

Thanks

jofeb04 just a point of view from the other side, I had a baby boy adopted at birth almost 18 years ago. I fully agree that it should be his choice when/whether to make contact, but I think of him very often, and it would be my dream come true if he chose to get in touch.

Are you using a mediation/counselling service? Or are you planning to contact them direct yourself?

Rosin,

Thanks for that. I am going through Social Services, so they will write a letter to biological parents (please do not see this wording as an insult), and if parents want to write back, they will do it through SS.

I know the background as to why the adoption took place, and I have no bad feelings towards it at all (just have some towards birth father tbh!).

Have no experience of this, but from my own pov if I adopted a child I think I would have prepared from the outset for the fact that that child may one day wish to trace his/her biological parents. Not necessarily because I wouldn?t be a good adoptive mum, but because I think every person has a desire to know where he/she has come from.

What have your parents told you about your adoption? Were they always honest with you from the outset? Did they give you details of the circumstances surrounding your adoption? If so then IMO it?s likely they did this so as to be as open and honest with you as possible, and I would imagine that being that honest would mean that they must have known there would always be a chance you might go looking.

If you continue it?s by no means a betrayal of the parents that raised you, after all it takes more than giving birth to be a parent.

Good luck xx

My DH was adopted by his stepfather, and wants to find his dad but has had no luck. DH mum hasnt been very honest, but also not happy a bout him looking.
I would talk to adopted parents, they have properly known this would come at some point. Maybe write to natural parent rather than knock at door.
Good Luk

Thanks for the support.

My parents have always been open, I can not remember a time when I did not know I was adopted. But they have never offered me any information Re the adoption. All my mam will say is that she hates social workers

LOL at your mum hating social workers jofeb , we adopted a little boy a couple of years ago and there is at least one SW that I wouldn't get my hair wet for if she was drowning.

I will encourage my ds to look for his BM if he wants to (although sadly I'm not sure that she will still be alive when he is an adult). I think it's important for him to know as much as he wants to about his background. In fact I wish that we knew more now, sadly we don't even have a photo of his BM or any of her family for DS's life story book. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to meet her so that I could tell ds that he has her nose/laugh/eyes etc. I would hate for him to feel that he couldn't tell me that he was looking.

My 2 elder brothers are adopted. My mum has always been keen for them to find their biological parents... (she even sneekily looked at a bit of information she shouldn't have when the church adoptive society people left the room in order to keep for when they were older to make it easier)but neither will do it. They just aren't interested. My mum was adopted herself and found her whole biological family at 21 so we grew up knowing them.
How do you think you parents would react Jofe?

I don't have any experience of this either apart from listening to a friend as he went through the process of tracing his, and something that struck a chord was that he said now he was a father, he felt he had certain responsibilities to his own children to find out things such as family medical history which his adoptive parents knew nothing about. He did trace his birth father in the end,and he was full of praise for the lengthy counselling he was provided with, which helped him deal with all the emotions it stirred up. I wish you all the very best.

Thanks troutpout and bran,
I suppose I am scared that my parents will feel hurt. But I am also worried that after all the searching and emotion that I am going through, my birthmum won't want to know, or worse, she will want to me "mum" again.

I am very prepared for my DS to search for his birth parents in fact I may do it now in case the trail goes cold in a few years. How I feel about it is a different matter - it isnt his job to be responsible for my feelings - I was the one who made the decision to adopt and in doing that accepted the reality that somewhere out there he has birth parents who have a connection to him. I want him to be happy and if searching for his birth parents will make him happy I would like him to do it.

I'm sure if you spoke to a counsellor at one of the adoption charities they could help you with the nicest way to talk to your parents about it. I can understand your nervousness about how your birth family might react and think counselling in advance would probably help.

Goodluck.

I am an adoptee and traced both my bio parenst some years ago. I dont regret it although it wasnt easy and there were soem surprises along teh way.

You need to take it at your own speed. Its Ok to stop for a few months or even years if you dont feel ready to go further at present.

I guess it depends how close you are to your adoptive parenst, whether or not you feel you HAVE to tell them. Woudl they want to knwo? Would you want to involve them in your search?

You are doing the right thing to use an intermediary. I hope they are expereinced and do not push you but let you go at your own pace

You say you knwo your story. I think you shoudl prepare yourself that you may NOT know all the story or some of the information you have might be wrong. Its propbably a "snapshot" of someone's life when they were 18 or 20. Things might be very different now for them in their 40s

Do you have addresses for both your bio parents? Are you planning to contact them both?

Thanks again,
At present, it is only my biologial mam who I have the address for. At the minute, we are on a break from everything, not sure if I can stand the emotional side of it just yet.

thats fine. you need to feel strong and that its the right time for you. one of teh disadvanatges of involving other people is that they can push you on or hold you back because of your their own issues. but its a hard thing to do alone

Hi jofeb04,
i too am an adoptee who traced her biological family.

It has been a long and complicated process and i have had to be very very calm and mature- and sometimes i feel i have had to be the adult every step of the way...

My lovely lovely adopted mother was fantastic about it....as was my dad, they nevr ever encouraged me to trace my parents and didn't mention it as a process.

So it was hard to tell them what i was doing but there was a situation where my mum was in hospital, waiting for an emergency op.
I just had to tell her that i had been in contact with my birth mother (and this is the phrase I use- i don't really want to debate it further with anyone else on MN at this point- so back off!! )..
My mum just wept and wept and said that she was happy that i would have a mum when she had died, and she was so pleased i'd found her.

As it worked out, now my adopted mother has died, i have a good relationship with my BM, but not a patch on that with my mother who brought me up.

ANywa, i suppose you need to take it at your pace...there will be amoment i suppose when you feel you have to tell your adopted parents- otherwise you feel like you are lying to them all the time you are talking to them- that is how it was for me.

I know how hard this is- it is exciting and daunting and makes you dizzy

i have a full brother and sister and my birth father died about 3yrs ago- i never met him, but feel no loss as neither my sis or brother wantted anyhting to do with him anyway....

be kind to yourself and good luck x

do people have an issue with the term birth mother then? I had always thought it was a pretty accepted term in adoption circles (what do I know, I'm new to this game!)

i think on the step parent forum bit they get hot under the collar about calling people birth mothers vs step mothers....apprently your birth mother IS your mother and it is insulting to call her anything but--- i may have oit wrong, but am sometimes so aware of the ton of crap that falls on one's head if you contravene the Mn etiquette

maybe it is more allowed in the adoption section

DD2 has a very close friend (aged 21 now) who has had a rocky relationship with her adopted parents since she hit adolescence (they separated when she was quite small and things have never run smoothly around their family since).

She found her birth mother several years ago and I was actually to see her refer to her birth mother as her "real mother" on a website. Her adoptive mother is a sweet and lovely woman and may not know that this is the term DD's friend is using but it seems like all the terminology is loaded in this situation.

the only issue I have with "real" or "natural" motehr instead of birth mother is that the flipside always feels like "pretend" or "unnatural" neither of which feel very much like me.

It think its different on the step parent thread, calling the mother of a child who brought the child up "birth" mother does seem a bit odd to me. In adoption, birth mother usually implies that she did not raise the child but another mother did.

roisin your story always meks me feel so so desperately sad

'Birth' mother is a term to do with adoption, full stop. It does not belong in any discussion about step-parenting. A mother whose former partner starts a new relationship has not given up her children. And it's insulting for someone who enters into a relationship with a parent to refer to the other parent as a 'birth mother'.

Hi Jo

I am an adoptee and decided to start the process when my Mum died. I would never have done this before. Never needed to.

I found out some difficult circumstances and although I didn't regret it, I found it very hard to fit in with my life. If that makes any sense. My natural birth father was an alcoholic and once I had contact with him, took it upon himself to call me every night to tell me how much he loved me, great - not. I found it very hard to deal with the fact that this was my 'real' dad.

He bloody wasn't. My father is and will continue to be until he dies.

I don't wish to say too much about my birth mother. She is dead and not of her own fault.

Be careful Jo, CAT me if you need any help. Its a very easy path that can affect you years later.

Oh and as for would your PARENTS be upset. Yes they will, think about how you would feel if you have looked after a baby from birth-1 year (assuming) and they felt it necessary to go to look for their 'real' parents.

I ahve spent the last 10 years making it up to my Father who spent a lot more time on me than my siblings.

blardy minefiled, isn't it?

i struggle still because in one converstation i can tell somebody my mum dies a while ago, and then later tell them that i am visiting my mum at the weekend...
i would never call my brith mother "mum" however, it is just not how I view her.
i call her by her christian name.

difficult, isn't it

I should have added that my siblings were his 'real', I hate using that term as I ahve never been pushed out etc.

ucm
your birth mother
what happeneed?

thanks, edam, that has been cleared up then.
And nobody told me off !

Agree with UCM, that it is a difficult route to take.
My birth mother is a bit impetuous and notoriously selfish and that has impacted on my relationship with my parents in quite a strange and weirdly unique way.
It was all sorted before my mother died, but sadly, thought birth famile and adopted family were all present and very close at our wedding, birth mother was not welcome at my mum's funeral.

but, i think i would have still looked for her.
She did make a big mess up and i fell out with my sdopted family for a while because of something she said, but adopted family were too sensible to take it out on me, and i was forgiven