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Original poster

Do I carry on the search for my biological parents, and how would you feel if your child did it??

78 replies

jofeb04 · 04/04/2007 20:26

I've been trying to trace my biological parents for over a year now, and finally social services have an address for me. But, I am really nervous, unsure whether to take it to the next step.

The main thing is I don't know how to tell my dparents, who I love dearly, and would never want to hurt them, so if I decided to take it further, I would have to tell them.

How would you feel if your dc informed you that they wanted to search, and if you are an adoptee, what would you do?
I know this is a sensitive area, so if you want, cat me.

Thanks

OP posts:
suejonez · 04/04/2007 22:46

it is difficult but as adopted children you were party to any of this, you had no choices at the time. If my DS wants to look for his birthparents I hope that I will do everything I can to help him. He deserves that the people who did make the decisions on his behalf behave in his best interests throughout his life. He doesn't need to protect me, I need to protect him.

suejonez · 04/04/2007 22:49

you weren't party - time for bed, jonez!

mrsjohnsim · 04/04/2007 22:49

that is a very strong and lovely way to think of it. I am sure this is the best attitude, and he will respect you for it as an adult

edam · 04/04/2007 22:50

Sorry Mrs JS, read that back and it seems quite forceful! Didn't mean to tell you off at all, more explaining that it's entirely appropriate when people are talking about adoption but not right for discussions about step-parenting.

FWIW my mother is adopted but this was in the days when it was kept a secret. She only found out when she was in her 40s, two decades after her parents had died. Even a detective specialising in adoption couldn't get very far - court records destroyed, private adoption, etc. etc. etc. Her birth mother is probably dead now, she'd be at least 81, but my mother would still like to know the story, IYKWIM. Sadly unlikely to ever happen.

suejonez · 04/04/2007 22:55

edam - my aunt is in a similar position. Adoption is entirely natural and has no doubt been going on for thousands of years. It was done a great dis-service in the 20th century when we started treating it as something shameful to be kept secret. I'm glad people are so much more open about it now.

UCM · 04/04/2007 22:55

Its not something I like thinking about.

mrsjohnsim · 04/04/2007 23:02

edam, no problems

i just sometimes get a bit defensive when i don't know the rules,
but it does make sense that in step parenting it is offensive to call somebody birth mother... and in adoptions it makes total sense to use the term...

and UCM, maybe we should compare stories one day, but not on this thread, eh, we may put the OP off completley.

AS i said, i do think it was the right thing to do, however much complication and heartache it has caused....
i now have 2 mad families to deal with

UCM · 04/04/2007 23:21

Mrs, yes we should, but as you say, not on here

mrsjohnsim · 04/04/2007 23:23

g'night all

UCM · 04/04/2007 23:27

Nite MJS.xx

runkid · 04/04/2007 23:47

jofeb04- I started looking for my birth parents when i was 17 but i didnt really do anything about it until i was 30. My parents where great they new that i had always wanted to find my birth parents and supported me all the way although my mum got alittle wobbly at times.

I have made contact with both my birth parents and now have a lovely extended family.
My parents and my birth parents got on like a house on fire which was great (unfortunately i have lost my mum and dad in the last 5 years)

I just wanted you to now it can work out great and i no it filled a big gap in me.

I really hope that it all goes well for you if you would like to talk about it at all please feel free to contact me. GOOD LUCK

roisin · 05/04/2007 14:04

jofeb04 - can I ask a little about the process you have been through so far. Do you know whether SS have asked your birth mother if she is willing to receive a letter from you? Or whether the first thing she will learn would be a letter from you.

You may be aware that through Section 98 birth parents can now request contact with relatives adopted in the past, (but have no right to details.) My ds will be 18 in September, and whilst I do not in any way want to pressurise him to get in touch, I do want to make it clear to him that if/when he chose to make contact it would be welcomed by me.

OrvilleRedenbacher thanks for your message: it makes me desperately sad sometimes too. As a result of this thread I got out an old file and am sat here in tears typing this.

But it has prompted me to order a full copy of his birth certificate, which I have meant to do for ages; so that I have it in case I need it in September to do the Section 98 thing.

Original poster
jofeb04 · 05/04/2007 20:58

mrsjohnsim, ucm, runkid,
I planned on Cat'in you, but the time has ran out on it! Really interested in your stories due to my fears, and also the reasons why I want to, and don't want to, search!

Its

jopowell1 at yahoo dot co dot uk

thanks

OP posts:
UCM · 05/04/2007 22:03

Jo, I believe I already have your addy for the book you sent me. Correct??

Original poster
jofeb04 · 05/04/2007 22:11

Omg, I totally forgot about that. Yes, it's that email address!!

OP posts:
runkid · 05/04/2007 22:44

I have mailed you but we can chat if you have msn if you would like

Christie · 05/04/2007 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Genidef · 10/04/2007 19:21

I am in the process of doing this myself. I haven't told my parents either - and I'm 36 years old!! I can't believe I don't have the courage yet. But part of me is rationalising this by saying that I have no idea if my b-mother will want to see me or not so there's no point in upsetting them (and it will) if she says no. It's hard to remember that it is our right to do this, most adoptees (as you will undoubtedly know already) seem to feel they need to play the role of the "good child" and that means not hurting their adoptive parents by tracing. So they feel a lot of guilt when they decide to go ahead. I also initially felt that I had to have a 'reason' for doing it, such as access to medical records, that 'just because' it's important to me and I want to wasn't enough. Don't let this hold you back - I think it's one time when you need to follow your instinct and do it, if you want to.

I really hope it goes well for you. I live in London but was adopted in the US, the rules are slightly different over here - and vary from state to state- about the information they will release to you and when. I think the UK is more flexible. It's also good you're getting some counselling. I am going through the charity that arranged the adoption and it is very AD HOC to say the least. No discussion about 'what ifs' etc, the woman is just pretty much assuming it's all going to be fine, which scares me a bit. I do have a really supportive husband so if it goes badly, I would have some back up. I guess that would be my advice to you - whatever you may decide to tell your adoptive parents, is there a friend who can support you through this?

suejonez · 10/04/2007 19:31

Genidef - thats a really interesting point about wanting to be a "good" child. As an adoptive parent it makes me understand that I must try really hard to make sure my DS knows it is his right to search and he needs no better reason than that he wants to. I can absolutely understand the need to search even if you are completely happy with your life, why shouldn't you want to know what other people take for granted. Good luck wiht your search.

Genidef · 10/04/2007 19:48

It sounds like you've got the right attitude - and that you're approaching it the right way. I have to say - and this is not to put you off or scare you, it's just some observations - that when I was really young, for some reason my mother was much more open about it. Like Jofeb04, I don't remember not knowing about it, and my mom always said she would help me search. (With the caveat - "I would just worry they wouldn't want to see you, that's all."). It was when I got older (and I guess was in a position to do something) that she clammed up. She was furious when I was about 13 and she heard that my father had told me my real ethnic origin - I wasn't English (like them) but Polish and German. It really makes me laugh now how seriously this got taken then - can you imagine getting wound up about that? Particularly since in the US that means that your great great great grandparents probably were, so it means nothing.

I think the mother-daughter relationship is maybe a bit fraught anyway, particularly when it comes time to have children. Which can coincide when people decide to search, as it has for me! Things got weird weird weird for me with my adoptive mom after the birth of my daughter. I'm just wondering if you may find it easier with a son in that regard?! But then again, it's likely I'm straying into areas I know diddly about.

Sorry to hijack this post - I feel like I've gone on a bit. Hope it's of some use to someone!

suejonez · 10/04/2007 21:33

I know diddley about it too at the moment as DS is only 16 months! I have no idea about whether mother/son makes it easier than mother/daughter. I do know that my generation of adoptive parents are far better prepared at a much earlier stage for these kinds of issues than our predecessors were. Thats not to say that I wouldn't find it terribly hard to have my DS's birth mother in his life but that my issue to deal with not his.

jampot · 10/04/2007 21:47

we found dh's birth mum about 5 years ago . They get on well although we feel she is a little selfish in that she wont visit us and she's only 25 miles away. Her dh is a wonderful man who has opened his home to dh and us.

Dh has 2 half sisters who live in Australia . He hasnt met his birthfather although I do have an address for him - he knows nothing of dh's existence.

Dh's parents know nothing of their relationship and dont have an inkling that he has even looked into it nor even knows any details which can make it quite difficult when they;re around and we have to hide cards that bm has sent (like Easter for instance)

jampot · 10/04/2007 21:48

we thtink that dh's mum would be horrified to find that he had found his birthmum - also she can be quite controlling and manipulative and i think he likes the idea that he has something they know nothng about

Genidef · 11/04/2007 00:03

I found my mum controlling too. And I know what you mean about the power of knowing something your parents don't. When everyone around you has access to information about you that you don't, it's a bit alluring to suddenly be in the driver's seat so to speak and control the information flow.

beemail · 18/04/2007 20:13

Really wish all those contemplating a search well and agree with previous comments about the importance of support and going at your own pace based on stories I've heard of searches.
We have 2 daughters (adopted when young and now 11 and 13) and there's a possibility that they may one day wish to search for birth parents. I doubt it will be easy for them (not adopted in this country) but would like to think that we could be there for them and be among those supporting them through the search and have told them this. I think it's a difficult thing anyway without being burdened by the potential guilt of doing so. Hard to imagine at this stage that we would feel in anyway threatened by them searching but have always accepted that there were 4 others involved in the creation of our family and whatever needs any of us may have theirs MUST come first. Would hate to think that they waited until we died before embarking on the search like a friend of mine felt she had to do. Our daughters have already said that we are all "THE FAMILY" but they would understandably like to know whether they have any full or half sibs but at this stage not much interest in birth parents. Do think that it's the saddest part of the adoption that we have so little information and were never able to meet birth parents because we feel for them too and have made it easy for them to contact us should they ever wish to do so.