Do I carry on the search for my biological parents, and how would you feel if your child did it??

[jofeb04]

I've been trying to trace my biological parents for over a year now, and finally social services have an address for me. But, I am really nervous, unsure whether to take it to the next step.

The main thing is I don't know how to tell my dparents, who I love dearly, and would never want to hurt them, so if I decided to take it further, I would have to tell them.

How would you feel if your dc informed you that they wanted to search, and if you are an adoptee, what would you do?
I know this is a sensitive area, so if you want, cat me.

Thanks

My adopted mum always encouraged me to trace my birth mother until it actually happened.

When I did trace her, my adoptive mum found it v difficult, and didn't want to talk about it at all. Then my birth mother phoned my adoptive mother..............

I found the whole thing quite difficult. My bm had no children and practically wanted to live with me. She also called my ds "technically" her grandson which made me furious.

The guilt was awful because I had to arrange meetings behind my adoptive mothers back. Eventually I pulled out of all contact with bm as I found it too much. But the guilt still continues....

Also would like to add, that it was the guilt that made me angriest of all.

I am adopted too, however I know that my BM died at my birth, I have a copy of her death certificate, however I do sometimes wonder about my BF as they were married. I would also like to know a bit more about them, however as my adopted parents are now 93 & 87 I am wary of doing anything. They were always open about my adoption & the fact that my mother had died & told me of my bp's Surname. My middle name now is what I was called on birth. I have tried searching the death records to see if my BF is still alive but haven't searched them all yet, not sure if I want to or not As it seems so final.

Badgerhead I wish I had some suggestions for you. Do you really think your parents would be upset? Would your BF be a similar sort of age?

Flying back to the UK a couple of weeks ago, my daughter befriended this little girl and boy in the airport. I got talking to the mother - it turns out they had adopted both children from Russia. I worked in a Russian orphange for a while, so was really interesting for me to meet them. Then she told me the little boy was a foundling. "How should we tell him?" I didn't know what to say except maybe seek advice?! The little girl's mother apparently made up her personal info, so they won't be able to trace her either. She was asked if she could tell her daughter I was adopted too.

I felt very emotional about hte little boy - somehow it's worse than the situation where the mother made up the details. At least there was a person! At times I've had this sense of wondering if I'm part of the human race. I know it sounds extremely weird, but apparently it's not that uncommon for adoptees to feel that way. I just don't know how I'd try to explain his situation. I'm grateful I at least know SOMETHING about my birth family.

An interesting book out now about adoption is AM Homes, the Mistress' Daughter. Was reading that on the plane back when I met these kids!

I don't know if my BF would be a similar age or not, that is one of the things that puts me off finding him, as I am worried about causing health problems etc. But sometimes I think I would at least like to know if he remarried & had more children or if he stayed a widower all these years.
I suspect I won't take it any further unless I suddenly find a pressing need to IYSWIM.

Sympathy all round.... my bm is a bit selfish and difficult and life is not so easy around her somtimes.But i think that i am pleased i found her and very pleased i found my birth sister...my brother is also quite cool, but has gone missing so needs to be found- but that is another story

Such an interesting thread and has made me think about how very desp much I'd want a positive outcome for our children if and when they do search and I know how for so many this is not the case. Is it poss for any adoptees to say if and how their parents have been able to support them in search for birth parents - what really helped them in any way.
jofeb04 - do you feel there's any particular timescale for you, any pressure from SS to make the contact soon??

I don't have personal experience of adoption but I do of friend's efforts to trace lost relatives. It is obviously a very sensitive area and you need to think very hard about how you would handle all the possible outcomes.

If I had an adopted child I'd certainly understand the need to know a medical history and I think I would understand the need to know your origins. However I might not have understood the general need if I hadn't seen how much my friend needed to know. Do your parents have any adopted friends? Have they any experience that would help them understand? They would obviously be worried about the impact on your relationship with them. Suppose you really hit it off with your birth mother? Do you have siblings, how would they feel if you gained new ones?

If I'd given up a child for adoption I'd love to be able to explain why. My guilt might make me what to "make it up " to them, especially if their childhood hadn't been all I wanted for them (and whose is?). That could get between them and their parents. I think if I wrote them a letter it might be hard to explain I would be pleased to see them but wouldn't want to disrupt their life. It would be very hard to stick to that once I'd met them, especially if they had siblings they wanted to see.

Easier in a lot of ways if the birth parent is dead and you just find new relatives.

A very personal issue, and a brave thing to do I think jofeb04.

My brother and I are both adopted (no blood connection) and are very lucky to have had the privelege of fantastic adoptive parents who made sure we both knew we were adopted, but very much wanted. We always had access to whatever info about our birth parents that was available, and told we would be supported if we wanted to go further in finding them.

Even with that background, my brother and I have different views. Whilst he always felt that he wanted some kind of explanation from his parents (long term relationship but very young, didn't find out until almost 6 months gone), I always felt I had enough information about my identity to not need contact with bm(no bf - effectively one night stand). I respect her decision - if she contacted me, I would meet her but I wouldn't go looking for her because you just don't know what to expect - she never told any family or friends she was pregnant or had given birth. She could have kept the secret.

Equally though, until I gave birth myself I had a fairly romantic notion of what she went through and the decision she made. After having my own children, I respect her even more but respect and like (or love) are not the same thing. I would be worried that I simply didn't like her - she could be a completely feckless woman with another unplanned 5 kids for all I know. A bit extreme reaction perhaps. I know this inspires a lot of emotion in people and this view may not be liked, but at the end of the day I have a very strong belief in nurture rather than nature. If I met my biological mother, she would not be my mother - the people who parented me are my mum and dad.

From my own experience and the five or six close discussions I have had with other adoptees, the struggle to trace parents is often less about having a relationship and more about knowing about yourself, where you have come from, who you look like - a sense of identity.

I was very lucky that my parents fostered and encouraged that sense of identity - incorporating adoption. If I can just hijack the thread for a personal plea - please can adoptive parents do the same for their kids. It doesn't weaken your relationship, it shows how strong it can be.

For jofeb04, as I say, a brave thing to do. My only advice personally would be to be honest with your parents that your search for your birth parents is about identity not about criticism of their parenting (and that you are not looking for replacements). And as for your birth family, up to you, but personally I would maintain only a written relationship at the start.

Either way, good luck.

Sorry, long post!

Firstly beemail - in order to support your kids well what you also need to bear in mind is that YOU may need someone to talk to about it all yourself. It's completely fair and right that you're supported too, even if it's just a friend to talk to.

In a practical sense, I wouldn't hold back information on the parents. But having said that, there may be some really delicate stuff (such as the foundling issue I mentioned below) I would talk to someone professional before just jumping in with the info. What you know may also include how to get in touch with people who could trace their parents. But on another level, searching for information is part of process of reflecting on what the search means to an adoptee. So there could be some things that your children should maybe do for themselves. It's hard to give specific examples here - and I guess the message on balance is if you have the info you should give it. When I finally spoke to the woman at the agency which organised my adoption it was VERY important to me that my parent's story was consistent with what I had been told growing up(apart from the nationality issue!!)

Stripeybumpsmum - I absolutely agree that searching has more to do with 'finding oneself' than 'finding a new family.' For me, it's also been about control issues - feeling frustrated that other people have access to information about me, the most basic of things, that I don't.

Thanks - very interesting reading. Well it's not going to happen for a while but it's so helpful to know of others experiences. Just hope we can be what our children need when the time comes. We do know many other adoptees (children and adults) and realise that they may find it easier to talk to them and indeed professionals about it all - hopefully as well as us! You are absolutely right about recognising the need for support though. Good luck jofeb04

that's just the way things were then NO Contact! I know my mum would be devistated if i was to start looking...... But from my side it would have nothing to do with any failings on their part. Just something inside me that needs to know someting more about my roots. My DH is very proud of where he comes from and what it meens.
I feel i maybe running out of time and if i wait for M&D to die it could be to late
Yes its a mess and i have so much respect for you in the fact you have got as far as you have, you will know if or when to take the next step. Best of luck

I personally would be surprised if my daughter didn't want to contact her birth family when she is older. But adoptions nowadays are open, and maybe this is less of an issue? My daughter does still have contact with some members of her birth family.

I would say that this is your decision, and not to worry about whether your adoptive parents will be upset or hurt. They may feel threatened, but this could be overcome with reassurance. Don't not do something you want to do just because of your worries. You may be surprised, after all, they may be fine with it and supportive. And if you want to contact your birth parents, but don't, will you be able to live with the"what if"?

It's a difficult decision for you - and one I don't envy. I wish you well.

Partly as a result of this thread, I have decided to instigate a search for Ds's birth family (adoped overseas). I know its unlikely I wll be able to trace any but have decided that if I don;t take the decision to do it now, by the time he decides whether he wants to, the trail could be stone cold.

Those of you who were adopted - how would you have felt if your parents did this? Am I taking away his right not to search?

I am not adopted, but in reading your posts and following your adoption journey, I had to post. I can see where you are coming about taking your sons right to choose from him, but I think that doing the search yourself is a good idea. Yes, in 20 years time it might be easier for your DS to find his BM, but what if it's not, what if the documents are lost, he might never get the chance to find his BP. I think if I was in your situation I would also try to trace them. Even if you only find out where they are now and there names, DOB etc, it would then give him a huge starting point, and it would be easier for him to trace from there. I am curious though about how you would tell him in the future if you had any information, would you just include it in with his life story, or wait for him to mention tracing his BP? Another thought which might sound awful (not ment to sound bad, but playing devils advocate!)what if he resents you tracing BP and feels like you are trying to get rid of him.

I would give him all the information I had (which may not be much) at the relevant stages along the way. And would include it in his life book, I hope to be able to do that without him feeling that I want to send him back! There are precedents for parents doing this and I would definitely follow their advice. In truth its unlikely I will be able to discover anything but at worst I should get more information for him.

I am sorry if I offended you, I've
got to admit I'm one of those miserable b*d who always looks at the worse possible scenario. I hope all is going well for you, take care. Saz

no no not at all offended. You probably have no idea how much preparation you have to do before adopting - one of the things is a course which includes how to deal with the issue of explaining circumstances of birth/adoption etc with lots of advice on how to explain to a child. I'm just so used to people on this subject knowing how much prep there is that I was a bit startled at your reply. It wasn't a problem at all.

Thanks for all your thoughts!!
I hanve't replied to the thread, as my emotions have been playing up on the issue.

So, at the moment I am putting the search on hold, I felt that I was going to do it for the wrong reasons (just had my dc etc), so going to wait to make sure it was for the right reasons.

Thanks

I'm another one who has never done any tracking or tracing, but has been thinking about it. My parents would be reasonably cool about me doing it (though not thrilled) - it has been discussed in the past. WHen I was adopted it was no contact, no info, etc. My mum managed to get the surname of my biological mother - she knows the name but I don't, and she has always told me she will give me the name when I want it.
I have been thinking I probably ought to do it soon, basically in case of a bad outcome. Because if the birth family are all dead, untraceable or don't want to know, better to get that over with while DS is too young to have any idea of what's going on - and if they are nice, introduce tthem while he's still happy to accept new people into his life.

my situation is a little different, i have a sister who was adopted at birth,as my biological dad was physically violent and both me and my brother had already been put into care. i would love to find her one day but dont know how to go about it

what country do you live in , IAAS? There are organisations which can help you depending on where you live. And is your biological sister over 18 now?

as an adoptee i don't think i would ever do it.i see no link with my biological "parents" and view them as absolute strangers, and i have no great desire to go out and find strangers 19 years older than me. i don't know if it would affect my parents but i would see it as disrespectful to them.i've never understood why adoptees feel the need to find the people who gave birth to them.
my sister found her biological mother years ago who seems to be an absolute psycho.

Have only read the first few posts and just wanted to say that I think your parents would be more upset if you searched for your biological family without telling them, than the fact that you had searched.

My dp has a true sister out there somewhere who was born to his parents when they were very young. He would love her to get in touch but can't do anything about it himself and for some reason feels he can't discuss it with his other sister and Mum and Dad. I think it's really sad as there is a lady out there somewhere who has a fantastic bro who she doesn't know - she's probably perfectly happy with what she's got but he feels as though there's something missing. His grandma won't move house (just in case she ever traces her) as she didn't want the adoption to take place in the first place.
We watched a prog on it the other night which highlighted some of the possible issues around tracing your 'birth' parents and it was enlightening - I had never before considered the problems that could arise if you didn't like them and then they wouldn't leave you alone.... I suppose, as other posters have said, the most important thing is to only give as much info as you are prepared to at the time and take it slowly and at your own pace. Whatever you decide to do, good luck x