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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Another hideous day

55 replies

Ketzele · 23/04/2017 22:21

Hi, I've name-changed again, but I know that many posters here struggle with their own anger in the face of very challenging behaviour [waves to tldr]. Well, just to say that today was hideous. I got hit multiple times, screamed at, told "You are a fucking pig" and, "Why couldn't I have been placed with people I could love?" My dd is 7. My reaction was not my finest hour.

Just wanted to say that, really. To people who may understand. This is a hard gig sometimes.

OP posts:

tldr · 26/04/2017 09:59

And, yy, first two months were absolutely awful. It gets better and you start knowing what you're doing (or having the confidence to act like you do even when you don't).

B1rdonawire · 26/04/2017 11:01

Heck, yes the beginning was awful. No sleep, no idea what I was doing, and blind terror. It got better. Hang in there Flipper and take any help that's offered (even if you think people are just being polite!) "Can we do anything to help?" Yes please, some meals for the freezer / a supermarket shop / come round for coffee and ignore the mess / do the washing up or laundry / cut the grass / change the beds / post these letters for me etc etc etc. Now is not the time for pride - now is the time for survival. You can always point people at this too: hannahmeadows.com/2016/09/21/when-friends-ask-what-can-i-do-to-help/

I managed to make my own mum jump with my "stern voice" shout at DD the other day, so am also totally excelling at getting it wrong and feeling bad about it. Sigh.

Allington · 26/04/2017 11:22

Yep, until recently most days had a point where I had to apologise to DD for shouting (y'know, role modelling apologising!).

We're in a good phase at the moment, so down to every other day

2catsandadog · 26/04/2017 11:30

21 months into placement
...
When I use my stern voice people on the next Street over do as they are told.

I am a shit hot therapeutic parent 25% of the time and human 75% of the time.

My son? Is ace. Tiring, and very taxing, but really getting there. (He is coming up on three and is about 6 months behind delays wise...)

HannahMeadows · 26/04/2017 15:06

Thanks for the link, B1rdonawire!

I also have a collection of blogs from other adopters on CPV (child-on-parent violence) at bit.ly/HLMCPV. The idea is that it helps us all feel less isolated.

Original poster

Ketzele · 26/04/2017 18:18

Why, hello HannahMeadows. I follow you on Twitter - nice to see you here!

OP posts:

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 26/04/2017 19:39

tldr shall we get some t-shirts printed with "15% is all that is humanly possible and that's the truth!" ?

tldr · 26/04/2017 19:51

Or 'I deserve a Pride of Britain award'. That's been making me chuckle all day. (To be fair, it's been a slow day...)

Flipper934 · 26/04/2017 20:05

Thanks again, for all of your reassurances. Sorry to derail, OP.

RandomMess · 26/04/2017 20:14

to you all, cos I can only imagine the emotional toil it takes you, all parenting is hard work but I truly believe you can a hefty dose of extra difficulty on probably a daily basis chucked in!

comehomemax · 26/04/2017 22:29

My LO bellowed angrily at the cat today then proudly said "I'm being mummy today". Clearly I'm shouting LOTS at the moment...He couldn't bloody talk 8 months ago and now he is pretending to be me by shouting "get off the table, right now!" at a sleeping cat.
ketzele for you

conserveisposhforjam · 26/04/2017 22:44

Dd went to sleep mumbling 'luff oo mummy, luff oo'

I am having a 15% day!

Original poster

Ketzele · 26/04/2017 22:57

Thank you all of you, this thread is really cheering me up . comehomemax, you made me laugh - your poor cat!

One good thing - dd still can't sleep by herself so I sleep with her every night. Much tutting about this from the few that know (my mother, mainly) but it's what she needs. And it does feel very healing to share a room at night - specially when she half wakes up and sleepily mutters, "I love you, Mummy, you're the best mummy in the world" and I get to tell her how much I love her too.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/04/2017 23:24

Ketzele sorry it is tough. Glad talking about it helps.

Have you been offered post adoption support?

If not, please ask for it.

Our ds is 6 and it is almost three years since he came to live with us.

He is not very challenging but our local authority have been brilliant. Attachment work in the first year, then left us to it (but still some courses to attend) and this last year Theraplay (which is a specific kind of work not just play therapy).

Really worth asking for help now. His emotional outbursts have lessened by a third in a year.

Our son is not very violent but was super emotional.

My birth dd has autistic tendencies and has been a little violent.

Have really tried to work hard to not tolerate anu physically violent expressions of her anger. At 12 she is now (most likely) stronger than me.

It's right to take a day at a time, of course. But you are right to be wary of the violence and the future.

Specialist help might be needed.

I don't know your user name but maybe i know you? Maybe you know me? I've been around about six years (Mumsnet) and (adoption boards here) maybe five.

Good luck.

Original poster

Ketzele · 26/04/2017 23:46

Hi Italian, yes you know me rather well!

I have asked for help. Many times. After our first assessment I was offered a reading list! After a year I went back and sat in the office crying until they relented. Now we get some therapeutic input - I'm not sure if it's helping.

I am in awe of the amount of support that more recent adopters seem to be getting - we were just left to get on with it! I could really have done with way more training.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2017 07:50

Ketzele please pm me, I never know who anyone is!

I am honestly embarrassed by the amount of help we have had! I know we are so lucky. However, I want to say it not to Bragg but to show help is out there and area authorities and county councils should be held to account for failing to provide the after care that they could provide given just some money and expertise.

With Theraplay it was a total surprise to Mr that it works. It really has worked for us but it is a surprise because it goes on a roundabout route.

I wonder if your local MP could be enlisted to help?

Huge huge because it is so hard and you are such a super star for hanging on in there.

The co sleeping is important because it can help reconnect

Our birth dd co slept sometimes (or rather came info our bed) until she 8.

Italiangreyhound · 28/04/2017 22:36

Ketzele have you read the explosive child? I am just reading it and it is very good. (I bet you have if you are who I think you are!)

Original poster

Ketzele · 28/04/2017 22:38

Italian, I'll PM you (it's been a really grim couple of days so it may not be tonight).

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 28/04/2017 22:45

No worries. When ever. If you are who I think you are I tried texting today but I may have an old number! Xxxx

Original poster

Ketzele · 28/04/2017 22:55

No, you got through! I'm sorry, it has been a really really grim 48 hours. dd1 is in a terrible state and I'm slightly beside myself - have just started a thread on her as I really need some help. Jeez, my family - two kids, each with their own dedicated thread about their emotional issues. I'm doing so well!

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 28/04/2017 23:08

Sorry to hear that. Having a tough time with my dd1 too. Ds never really a bother (despite being the adopted one!)

Don't worry reply when you can. I'm going to be in your patch of ground sometime very soon and just wanted a glass of wine with the loveliest girl in town!

Stay strong.

RandomMess · 29/04/2017 13:06

Sorry to read that you've had some more horrendous days but I love love love that you sleep together tell your mum to shut the fuck up

Perhaps break the days into 15 minute slots mentally to help you survive?

Hope you find something that helps asap

slkk · 10/05/2017 06:59

Hi Ketzele. Sorry you are having a tough time. I've also noticed that recent adopters seem to be getting a LOT of support and we were left somewhat floundering. Our latest is being turned down by CAMHS - can't be seen by tier 3 as is adopted, can't be seen by adoption team as is from out of area, can't be seen by another team as needs long term input and they only do short term etc etc. Was offered a parenting course (not an actual one, just 'maybe a parenting course could help'). I've found a facebook group run by Sarah Naish immensely helpful and have joined the new national association of therapeutic parents which will include listening circles with other local therapeutic parents.

hackneyLass · 10/05/2017 11:29

hi slkk yes watch out for those parenting courses. CAMHS send we had to go on one so my partner went on Strengthening Families - half a day a week for about 10 weeks (luckily he has a cooperative employer but that really pushed the goodwill!). He found parts of useful but the behaviour management was all about timeout and sticker charts. He tried to say that didn't work with kids with early trauma but was ignored, each session is taught according to specific course materials with no flexibility. He had to just pretend we were doing those to keep the peace and get his certificate at the end!

slkk · 10/05/2017 13:00

It's very tiring. And tiresome.... and still nothing in place for our kids :(

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