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Original poster

Another hideous day

55 replies

Ketzele · 23/04/2017 22:21

Hi, I've name-changed again, but I know that many posters here struggle with their own anger in the face of very challenging behaviour [waves to tldr]. Well, just to say that today was hideous. I got hit multiple times, screamed at, told "You are a fucking pig" and, "Why couldn't I have been placed with people I could love?" My dd is 7. My reaction was not my finest hour.

Just wanted to say that, really. To people who may understand. This is a hard gig sometimes.

OP posts:
0live · 23/04/2017 23:28

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say.

Is she the same with DP? How is Dd1 coping ?

I'm also name changing - I know who you are, I'm your friend from the far north.

tldr · 24/04/2017 02:15

Oh dear. I've (predictably) nothing useful to say. It is a hard gig.

Is there a cause for this today or was it just because?

DH and I have had moderate success with removing each other from situations that we can see are going to end badly. The not-losing-it parent says QTIP and takes over (Quit Taking It Personally) freeing the losing-it parent to go scream elsewhere.

Obviously it only works if you're both around.

Do you follow Stacey Manning on FB? She sometimes has some sage words (in amongst a bunch of guff.)

In any case Flowers

flapjackfairy · 24/04/2017 08:42

Oh it is hard. Dont beat yourself up at all you are doing an amazing job and nobody understands unless they have lived it .
Hope today is a better day xxx

B1rdonawire · 24/04/2017 10:31

It is bloody hard. I try (usually after the event which I've mishandled) to remember "they are not doing it TO you", so although it feels like they want a fight, it's not about me personally.

I am going to write tattoo QTIP on my hand.

Just been reading on another board about how devastatingly accurate our kids can be at pressing buttons we didn't know we had, and hurting us. Lots of comments on that one about how entering into a trusting relationship, loving someone, is deeply scary for our children - and it can be their (flawed) protection strategy to go "I'll hurt you before you hurt me" when they feel themselves really loving their parent. Obviously it doesn't protect the child, it hurts them too, but it helped me a bit to think about that as a possible "why" for the painful times.

OlennasWimple · 24/04/2017 14:15

I've already had "I hate you, I want a new family" and it's only just past 9am where I am Sad

Yy to B1rdonawire - DD definitely self-protects by pushing us away. I think that she feels that it puts her in control: if we leave her (like her birth parents did, like her FC did) it will be because of something that she has chosen to do. Not something completely outside of her gift.

Doesn't make it any easier to handle, though, and I admit that some days I am better at absorbing the blows (metaphorical and physical) than others

fasparent · 24/04/2017 15:40

Agree PTS and Trauma are very relevant in our children. Christmas, Birthdays, Events all can be triggers. Even when it's not their birthday.
HAD a baby event happened at 3 months still is traumatised by strangers, things like body shape Voices. Lights, sounds can be horrific
and distressing for all. Have too be very understanding, patient, loving and reassuring.

conserveisposhforjam · 24/04/2017 23:21

You and tldr are like my total role models. Star

It's really hard not to be as good as you know you should be. But to be as good as you know you should be is probably impossible.

My dc deserve much better than I have been lately. But practically I have found that exercise helps my levels of patience and resilience hugely. Which is easy to say. But even going out to walk with a friend for an hour when dh gets home is bloody amazing for my mental state.

Original poster
Ketzele · 25/04/2017 10:16

Thank you all, it really helps to have your support. And some great advice here - I love QTIP, and conserveisposhforjam you are so right that a walk really helps (by the way, I can't believe I'm a role model for anyone - you must have me confused for someone else!)

We had another kick-off before school today. I know the triggers: tiredness, boredom, not being the focus of attention, or not feeling in control. But of course we can't just avoid those - she has to be able to accept that she doesn't control this family, and that she can't always be the centre of attention. I flip flop between giving in to her to keep the peace (and telling myself this is therapeutic parenting) and getting immensely triggered by her aggression (it brings up so much childhood stuff, doesn't it?) and blowing up in anger.

My great hope remains that when she wants to (at school, at other people's houses) she can and does behave impeccably. But I do get very fearful about the future. If she's hitting me now, what is it going to be like when she's 15?

OP posts:
tldr · 25/04/2017 13:50

Oh god ketz, that's exactly my worry. I can manage her now because she's little, but if she's still like this at 14, we're in trouble (though like yours, she can control it when she wants to).

Are you getting any help?

OlennasWimple · 25/04/2017 13:57

Ketz and tldr - exactly. DD is seven, and I already find myself flinching when she starts going into her downward spiral as it now hurts when she hits me Sad

flapjackfairy · 25/04/2017 14:34

One thing i would say is try not to think ahead too much.
That way madness lies as you will go on a panicky spiral and that will stop you coping in the here and now !
At least that is my experience . You just dont know how much things could have changed by then .

fasparent · 25/04/2017 16:30

Adopted 10 all grown up now, couple of stroppy teens still. Wish we could turn the clock back put it on pause and hold , my they soon grow up fast. Only remember the fun times most of the time.

flapjackfairy · 25/04/2017 16:50

Oh fasparent i so agree. Where does the time go?

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 25/04/2017 20:03

OP can I tell you that I spend about 15% of my life taking deep breaths and congratulating myself on being a good therapeutic parent who understands my AC soooo very well that I deserve a Pride of Britain Award. I spend about an equal amount of time shouting and being totally non-therapeutic because all of my buttons have been pushed too many times. That leaves 70% of my time feeling guilty and ashamed for not being the patient therapeutic parent my AC deserves.

So, I'm a worse parent than you and my AC would willingly agree - top trumps here on worst adoptive parent!

Flipper934 · 25/04/2017 20:12

Thank you, all, for your honesty. New single adopter here, DD has been home for a month, and it has been a baptism of fire. Reading this is so reassuring!

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 25/04/2017 20:23

Welcome Flipper, There are some very experienced adopters and foster carers here who are totally honest. In fact this is the only place I know where I can be completely honest about the highs and lows adoption can bring.

conserveisposhforjam · 25/04/2017 20:41

I spend about 15% of my life taking deep breaths and congratulating myself on being a good therapeutic parent who understands my AC soooo very well that I deserve a Pride of Britain Award. I spend about an equal amount of time shouting and being totally non-therapeutic because all of my buttons have been pushed too many times. That leaves 70% of my time feeling guilty and ashamed for not being the patient therapeutic parent my AC deserves.

Are you me?

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 25/04/2017 20:47

Conserve are you going to try and wrangle the top trump award from my sticky paws?!!

We are all bloody Spartacus on here when it comes to this stuff i think, well at least those of us brave enough to be honest!

crispandcheesesandwichplease · 25/04/2017 20:47

I meant wrestle not wrangle - duh!

fasparent · 25/04/2017 21:47

Yes they can be Jeckle and Hyde pleasant at school and about , a nightmare at home. Some children need a balance between the two, always trying hard away from home wanting too impress be accepted
especially at school (common in FASD children) by the end of the day are in meltdown, drained bring home their frustrations. Has to be a balance sometimes between the two. A good school and home partnership helps. Some times school is the problem not intentional but not understood.

Original poster
Ketzele · 25/04/2017 21:54

Flipper, I'm not sure whether you were being sarcastic or not, but welcome anyway Smile The first few months as an adoptive parent really are a baptism of fire, but it (usually) gets better!

It's a very interesting dynamic between prospective/new and veteran adopters, one I've noticed on many threads and also at training days etc. I think the newbies are assailed with messages of doom, from prep onwards and certainly from well-meaning friends and family, about the 'risks' of adoption. Of course they need to be aware of the realities of adoption, but they also need to be able to travel hopefully - we all do, or why would anybody start a family?

Veteran adopters need to be able to download and let off steam. And they need to be able to do so without presenting a balanced picture - probably more so than other parents, because it is often harder for us to talk to non-adopters about these issues, for fear of judgement or shame.

Having said which, let me assure you that my daughter has brought huge joy and love to my life. And also that there are many adopters on MN who won't contribute to this thread, because this is not their experience.

OP posts:
crispandcheesesandwichplease · 25/04/2017 22:52

Ketzele I think you are spot on in that whilst not all adopters have the same experiences, for those of us who struggle, or have struggled, it's hard to find a place where you are safe to be honest about how you are feeling. Doesn't mean we don't love our children. If we didn't care we'd be necking the gin and watching Game of Thrones or some such. It's because we love them that we seek support and wisdom to keep us going.

The adoption board on MN has been a lifesaver for me. I love my DD very much but there are times when I'm really at my wits' end and coming on here makes me feel less alone. I've also got some very helpful advice and been able (I hope!) reassure others when they're going through the hard stuff.

Flipper934 · 25/04/2017 23:40

No, not sarcastic at all! I have had a month of hell, quite frankly, despite fantastic support. I have been reassured by everyone that we are doing well, but it really doesn't feel like it a lot of the time. Seeing that other people also need to let off steam has been a genuine relief.

Original poster
Ketzele · 25/04/2017 23:58

Smile I remember it as a ghastly time - like a nightmare babysitting job where nobody ever came back for the baby. Best of luck to you x

OP posts:
tldr · 26/04/2017 09:57