Independent (especially boarding) and suitability for adopted children

[selly24]

Can experienced adopters/social workers share their experiences and opinions on this please?

I don't know if you're being sarcastic or not offred but a goady post is one that deliberately goads people/pushes them into getting wound up with each other.

I think this forum (the adoption part atleast) is incredibly supprtive with a wealth of knowledge to help people. In other names I have had lots of support and help. With the exception of obvious trolls (eyes combined and her best jellychum) language and support is always respectful.

scarfonthestairs your post is appallingly inappropriate, and goady. Apart from saying that I am going to ignore it.

Italian, yes that is what I meant, in relation to adoption. In relation to other families I haven't ever thought about it...

The other thing to point out is that not all adopted children will have attachment problems. I think all will have suffered trauma of one kind or another but not attachment. And children who have not been adopted can also have attachment issues.

Funnily enough plenty of kids in boarding have attachment issues...

Massive cross post -I didn't see page two

All adopted children have suffered loss of their main attachment figure, at least once , so they are very vulnerable to attachment problems .

I'd assume they have attachment problems and act accordingly until it's proved otherwise . What's the alternative ? Assume they are fine, act as if they are normal kids with no issues , then turn back time when you see they have serious problems. It's too late by then .

It's like being born into a family with a terrible history of heart disease. You avoid smoking , eat healthily and exercise, you have your blood pressure checked.

You don't wait until you are 45 and have your first heart attack. Your heart will already be damaged or your arteries furred up . If you turn out to not have the genes that makes you high risk - you've lead a healthy lifestyle anyway .

< disclaimer - lay persons understanding of heart disease >

Kristina, I think that is right, but there will be other factors at play and in some cases the other factors will be dominant. One of the theories about attachment is that the window of opportunity is the first year - if in that first year the child has not learned to love and trust a care giver then they will have very serious problems. If however a child is attached to their care giver then the theory goes that they will be able to attach to someone else ie there won't be the serious underlying attachment issues. For a child who was very attached to their first care giver but who has not become attached to the adoptive parent for whatever reason then... what do you do - keep pushing at it? It seems that it is those situations where disruption occurs? But I am no expert - I don't know the answer there.

I mean that is one of the situations which could lead to disruption, there would be others of course, such as serious underlying attachment issues...

We have two DC. Our birth son, I'm pretty sure, would thrive at boarding school: he would love being with his friends 24/7, having access to lots of extra curricular activities - he even likes eating in large communal halls. He's sporty enough and smart enough that boarding school is something we haven't completely crossed off the list for secondary school options (even though I'm basically opposed to independent schooling on principle and would rather keep him at home with me until he's 18).

Our DD was adopted at 18 months, and has been with us for four years. She has a secure attachment, is happy to go to breakfast club and after school club. She goes on sleepovers with close friends and family, she is also smart and a talented artist who would probably benefit from some of the opportunities that independent schools can offer. However, if she went to boarding school, there is no doubt in my mind that she would feel that we had abandoned her. She would revert back to her hyper-independent survival mode that we have spent years trying to dismantle. I honestly can't envisage a situation where boarding school would be the better option for her.

OP, if you are considering adopting with a view to sending the LO to boarding school down the road, I would strongly urge you to think again, to avoid disappointment and heartbreak when you realise that it is very very very unlikely to be the right thing for them.

Thank you for your insight. Very helpful.

I know this thread is quite old, but I came across it whilst Google searching (I'm trying to find others who have experienced the same as myself - I'm currently in the process of counselling for abandonment and attachment issues).

I was adopted at age 4 (in 1994), after being in various care homes, and when I was 15, I was sent to Boarding School in Scotland whilst my adoptive parents stayed in England.

Heads up - any adoptive parent who is thinking of doing this to their adoptive child... please don't. I'm 31 years old and only now have I truly realised what all the deep rooted trauma/fear of abandonment is about.

It is selfish and gets a resounding no from me incase the OP ever sees this.

We're still preadoption but I know we've looked at local schools that offer boarding as well as local state schools while we're househunting for a family home so that we don't need to relocate for many years if ever.

We decided we would only consider being a day pupil if it was the best school for them, and potentially when much older allow a night every so often if that was what they wanted for a specific activity etc but would have never allowed full boarding.

However most of these schools are highly academic or sports focused and will only tolerate needs around those.

As a child I desperately wanted to go to boarding school, but that came for a deep want for structure as my home life was chaotic but I would have attached myself to any caretaker at the school or older girls in a very unhealthy manner.

I'd also be concerned that the staff wouldn't be educated enough or willing to do training on attachment and other issues that may come with that in and out of the classroom.

Gosh I hate the vitriol people on mumsnet throw at people just trying to learn. Sorry you've had some sharp responses. I am both an ex boarder of one of the most respected expensive schools in the world and am also now a parent practicing mostly attachment parenting. As with everything there are pluses and minuses to everything and there were kids at my school who'll always say their boarding days were their best days. They were rich, spoilt and good looking. Then there were the top achieving academics who went to Oxbridge... most v happy because they were able to maximus on their talents. The rest of us muddled through, some through atrocious bullying which has affected us throughout our lives. I am a fairly strong person but the bullying I received off the boys has stayed with me in many ways. Likewise my husband from the boys. As it was my mother was in an abusive relationship so if I'd been at home I wouldn't have got what I needed anyway but if that situation had been different and she had been a strong mentor, I'd have hands down preferred to be at home. But then I believe in secure attachment trumping all else while a young person is going through the huge challenges of brain maturity and boarding school removes this opportunity. I went to state momentarily after my mum divorced my father and was totally bored so went back into private at great cost. Now I think the right progressive independent school may have my vote over any (though I feel we should ditch all private education in an ideal world) but it all depends on one's ability to afford that. I'm worried about the absolutely stupid sanctions young children face in state schools in the pursuit of good behaviour (eg removal of golden time) but perhaps you get in private too. I am creative and slightly chaotic so I don't know so much about the benefits of a strict routine as directed by one's school for a kid who's gone through the trauma of adoption... I'd say attachment must trump all... and I'd have thought if the school fits those values then you've chosen well.

I have known two families where a teen of 13/14 has started weekly boarding in order to prevent family breakdown. It was the least worst option at that point, and allowed younger siblings and parents to have some time out of a situation where violence was an ever present threat (from the teen).

But I think situations where it is the best option are few and far between.

The teens being adopted, I should have said

@Dulceetdecorumest1 I am an adoptee and I am sorry about your experiences. I think if you are looking for people with similar experiences, if you posted on Relationships in a new thread, i have a feeling there would be many people who would have similar experiences - though not necessarily adoptees, I know there are a number of adoptees on mumsnet but it would depend on who saw all the thread.

I think that when an adoption disrupts or when the parents move to "parenting from afar" whether the child goes back into care or to a boarding school - in all cases I think that there should be a more focused approach about what therapeutic work the child may need, in relation to attachment or violence (wrt the previous post) or feelings of abandonment or anything else, ie a proper assessment of what the child needs at that stage, in every case.

I am attaching a playlist of Dan Siegel (psychiatrist) talking about attachment just in case they are of interest - I think he is very clear and comprehensive - if they are not of interest then please ignore! The first video is the first in the playlist. I also attach a video about healing from developmental trauma - of which attachment disorder is one part of the jigsaw puzzle - this is the sort of help a child now might get if they can access it, and i thought it might be of interest - again if not please ignore!

I have actually just remembered a child I schooled with at boarding school who was adopted. Honestly she was the most unusual person, impossible to connect with, addictive personality, problematic to live with. She was dreadfully bullied. Obviously one person is no reason for anything but I really couldn't recommend boarding for an adopted person per my previous response

I was adopted and was sent away at 16 for my last two years of school. I had no choice which seems ridiculous by today's standards.

I think if you have a child from infancy and you all have a good relationship, if they are happy to go to a boarding school - maybe as a weekly boarder - when they are thirteen plus, it could be all right. It just depends on the child and if other children in the family board it might seem normal. Make sure they know they don't have to stay if they don't like it.

An independent day school would be better in my opinion.

It wouldn't have suited my child (not adopted), neither would I have wanted it for him but everyone is different. Something about the idea doesn't sit right with me though, probably because of my own experience. When you board, no matter how nice the school, there is no escape from it.