Independent (especially boarding) and suitability for adopted children

[selly24]

Can experienced adopters/social workers share their experiences and opinions on this please?

Thanks Italian.
That seems like a bizarre thing to do.
I can't say that I have ever thought that someone was doing that. Perhaps I'm wrong.
It seems more likely to me that we all form very strong opinions based on some very diverse experiences which also affect us emotionally in some quite profound ways.
Unfortunately that creates sore points for all of us that can be tough to deal with.

We walk in different shoes.

That seems like a bizarre thing to do.

Welcome to the Internet.

I work in boarding and can only see this working if:

A. You have a very troubled child and a specialist boarding environment

B. You adopt a baby and send it away as a very well adjusted 13 year old.

Otherwise it has disaster written all over it. School cannot offer individualised emotional support in the same way that parents can. They just don't have the resources.

What age would you be adopting? Because unless you are planning to send a toddler to boarding, or are planning to adopt a teenager, I can't see why you are giving this head space.

Offredalba Re "That seems like a bizarre thing to do." It does happen on Mumsnet but usually on AIBU! Not normally here. But we have had some posts that do seem to be just to stir things up!

re "I can't say that I have ever thought that someone was doing that." Me neither but people do odd things!

Re "It seems more likely to me that we all form very strong opinions based on some very diverse experiences which also affect us emotionally in some quite profound ways." that too of course.

Re "Unfortunately that creates sore points for all of us that can be tough to deal with." Yes of course but when we come on and ask advice from others we are kind of putting ourselves out there. Some of us spend literally hours reading threads and carefully weighing responses. I only really do this properly on adoption because before we adopted I found this the place to get good sensible advice.

We adopted almost two and a half years ago, i have done many, many parenting course, approximately half of which are directly related to adoption. I am also a nosy, strong minded person, so I like giving 'advice' and also soliciting it from others, when needed.

If I and others are putting in so much effort to read and respond then it can feel rather annoying if a poster seems to be just posting to pose various ideas thoughts etc. I know personally I would much rather respond to real situations and feel my input was of use, not part of just a very vague debate. My sense is the OP here is totally genuine but as I said before I think they have been influence, maybe too much influenced, by this friend. Which is not the same as having formed '...very strong opinions based on some very diverse experiences'.

hardtopinpoint being adopted as a baby willnot ensure a child is very well adjusted (sadly). There are no guarantees, we all know that, but also some children cannot always process what has happened if it happened when they were pre-verbal.

Can you tell us, hardtopinpoint, what the benefits of boarding school are?

My friends who used boarding school were in quite unique situations. One was working abroad and their dd returned to sturdy in the UK aged as a teenager, the other chose a very close boarding school and their kids asked to board because of all the sports etc that happened after school. In light of the various family relationships I think sometimes boarding could be right for a very select group but agree not for children who have been adopted, generally.

Sell There will be exceptions to every rule but again, why would we assume that our child would be the excretion? If they turned out to be, then of course re-access.

Honestly? I wouldn't send my own no matter what my circumstances were.

There are some who don't have a real alternative, and who thrive and it's a positive experience. A small minority.

Lots have parents who travel, but tbh I'd do everything to take mine with me if I could.

Don't get me wrong, the huge majority of the kids love it. Doesn't mean it's the right thing for them though, they just don't know any different.

I could be wrong re goadiness. I'm basing it on lots of goady posts I've read in the past. There are about 14 billion at any given time on MN so it's not an outlandish suggestion!

For me it's the complete lack of specifics /detail; the very very breezy tone of the responses and constant references to 'keeping an open mind'; the framing of the op (which is basically 'adoption and boarding - discuss') and tbh just the subject matter - it's a bizarre idea really as lots of pps have said.

I've reported but all that tells us is if it's a PBP.

Tbh whenever I read anything where I think 'you cannot be bloody serious' it's usually because they're not.

I don't think that this is a massive issue for the Adoption topic though. I actually think this is one of the less combative boards on MN. But I think we're less happy to let poor advice stand here - because we know how serious that potentially is for very vulnerable children. And I always remember how many people lurk without posting.

OP has a posting history as long as your arm Narnia, which is why I am actually concerned. I think it might be real.

(I checked yesterday because I was certain it was trolling but the name rang vague bells.)

Well yeah that is altogether more concerning tldr!

Another thing about open mind is that if the relationship in our family fell to pieces to the extent that my husband and kids and I could not all live together, my priority would have to be my kids. No question, my birth child and my adopted child, equally.

I did make passing reference to this to my other half!

But I would not in normal future planning include the thoughts that dh and I would live apart or actually split up. If this were ever a reality we would have to discuss it. But because adopted children have experienced a lot of loss in their lives this would be a last resort rather than a 'lets keep all options open' kind of idea.

I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing an independent school for your adopted child.

If our finances were different I'd definitely send my lo to a local independent school that is very holistic etc. It is a day only school.

Would i send them to boarding? Absolutely not. Even if they were a day pupil at a boarding school and begged to, as all their friends did, I still wouldn't.

Learning independence and the networking opportunities don't make up for the lack of attachment imo.

In fairness, before I met my kids I found it hard to imagine life with them. For example, I had a stupid idea that I'd return to full time work.

Kids at boarding have to be incredibly independent.

It seems to me that adoption is all about learning attachment, ie the antithesis of boarding.

When you are down there , could you look for mine too please, Tldr?

< vaguely amused by the idea that an adopted child will be securely attached and ready to move away from home 5 years after placement >

Kids at boarding have to be incredibly independent. It seems to me that adoption is all about learning attachment, ie the antithesis of boarding

This

That is a good way of putting it.

I'm fairly sure my 2 yo ds would have coped admirably with a boarding situation last year. He was incredibly independent and self sufficient. Amazingly confident with strangers etc. We're gradually helping him to unlearn those behaviours because they are actually NOT healthy or good for him.

I am so happy when he shies away from a friendly well meaning stranger and hides behind my leg or refuses to engage with someone he hasn't seen for a while.

That's the big difference with adopted children and what a lot of other parents really don't understand at all.

YY Narnia . I was at a Birthday party last weekend where there was a newly adopted toddler ( child of a friend of a friend, placed two weeks before ) . Toddler was being passed around everyone , wreathed in smiles*

At one point he ran after me , shouting " mummy mummy " and raising his arms to be picked up . Everyone laughed

If course I didn't pick him up < cue odd looks > just said

"no I'm not your mummy , mummy is over there" . I was so distressed by the whole thing I had to make a polite excuse and learn the party early .

Even my 10 year old thought it was odd. He said

" Jamie isn't shy at all, he wanted everyone to pick him up , even though he didn't know any of us " . Of course he thought it was good thing ( because he's 12 and doesn't understand about attachment like most social workers) .

I could cry thinking about it - that poor distressed child

• details changed to protect the guilty

That sounds really sad and upsetting, Kristina.

Offredalba, I think in relation to why the combative, it comes down to how individuals manage conflict, online and probably also in real life.

I think it would be better if people challenged posts rather than posters on here, and if they did so politely.

My son has accidentally referee to others as mummy. It is very sad but thankfully he does understand we are mimbabd das. A friend adopted and her child referred to me as mum. It is so hard. I don't think I've ever heard a non-adopted child do this.

Mum and dad not mimbabd das1

We have adopted children. we had them do 4 years in an independent school. (not boarding) My biggest concern is that the independent sector has no statutory obligations regarding how to deal with any behavioural issues your children may have as a result of being adopted. We ended up fighting them with the equality act before we eventually gave up and withdrew our kids. This is from a school with an apparently very good track record of pastoral care. State schools have statutory training/ appointed staff members to care for adopted children in schools. Be careful of shiny independent schools that talk the talk but actually are unwilling to consider the impact of early life trauma or make the 'reasonable adjustments' that the law demands. I imagine if you mention to your sw that you're considering boarding, then they won't even look at you as an adopter.

I don't think there is a lot of outrage about independent schools, just about boarding.

You said, above, jelly, 'the former could be the better option' but I assume you meant if a placement were to break down boarding school would be better than placement breakdown?

If so, I agree.

But that is a pretty exceptional circumstance in terms of a relationship (not exception in adoption, I believe, as it happens a fair amount) but unusual circumstances for a family to be in.

Independent schools do great work with the majority of kids. I've worked in them my whole career.

They're mostly useless for the square pegs though. Their holes are relentlessly round.