Independent (especially boarding) and suitability for adopted children

[selly24]

Can experienced adopters/social workers share their experiences and opinions on this please?

Yes we are fortunate to have such good state school , but not unusual I think .

My point was more that issues such as class size and discipline style are not unique to one sector, private or state .

But as you say, your question is about boarding and I was wondering what kind of child you were hoping to adopt and why you thought that boarding ( rather than day school ) might meet their needs ?

I'm also curious why you feel an adopted child might benefit from a longer school day and more extra curricular activities ?

All of these good thing you list can equally happen in day school . Of course there's not a person called " personal tutor " because the child doesn't need another person who is in loco parentis, they have their parent .

Do you think that boarding schools who have day pupils provide these things to them too? Of course they do, they happen in all good schools.

I still don't understand what you think that an adopted child will gain from the boarding element ?

You mention the time constraint of the school day , which implies that you feel an adopted child woudl benefit from a longer school day - could you explain why you think this ?

And you also mention " the hassle of commuting " . Unless you live in a very rural area, there's no need to commute to school .

You think drip drip praise at a boarding school would be better for an adopted child than living FT with mum and dad?

I hesitate to offer a comment as I am neither an experienced adopter nor a social worker but I will anyway and hope that is OK.

One of the things that is always crystal clear from the adoption threads is how much effort and care is put into matching a child to be adopted with the right family. Similarly it is clear how much care and consideration adopters take to be sure that they are a good match with the child. Given the importance of matching it would seem strange to say the least to then place the child into a situation where 24 hour care is given by people who have not been matched and who may or may not be the right people for that child.

Of course, adopted children will go to school where they will be taught and cared for by people other than their parents but in this case the parents will be able to be in daily contact with those people and in constant discussion with them.

Of course the circumstances for a particular child and family might make boarding an appropriate choice at some stage but wouldn't this be likely to be an unusual exception?

Some really excellent points on the last too posts. I appreciate your feedback.

I agree that many good schools regardless of sector or type can offer the positives I mentioned. In my experience having a longer school day means there is time throughout the day to space out the academic, social, sports, activities and there is time for relaxation and for strong relationships to form. My (probably very coloured view) is that in state and day schools have to meet a lot of academic standards and cram lots in, with very little time for care of the individual. Keeping OFSTED happy and the place in the league tables. Of course independent schools are competitive also.... But I think staff /student ratios and greater level of pastoral care than on offer in a day school may be a very positive thing...

I am considering a long term view/educational plan which will of course depend on the children their needs/abilities success of attachment along with their personal desire to board.
Allowing them to go. Not sending them away.
As a PP said, I too have no desire to write off any school offering great opportunities coupled with outstanding pastoral care, simply because a child is adopted. However long before children are on the scene I want to have done thorough research and be open to many viable possibilities to ensure my own prejudice has not overridden a possibility that may be both beneficial and enjoyable for a child and increase their chances of having a fulfilled life as an adult.

Last TWO years. Typo!

"the parents will be able to be in daily contact with those people and in constant discussion with them".

I have experience of many schools and this has NEVER been the case. A few snatched words at pick up if lucky! Lengthier discussions need to be scheduled.
Even in boarding school parents can be in contact daily by phone / email to discuss concerns. At least that is the impression I have so far....

Last TWO posts, sorry typo!

I can understand your concerns about "being in daily contact" with school staff and whether this is likely to happen in a day school situation but the key difference for adopted children in terms of education is their LAC status. Your child will attract nearly £2k of funding through pupil premium (PP) each year. It is the school's responsibility to ensure this money is spent to support LAC pupils to close the attainment gap between PP and non PP children. Therefore parents of adopted children and school (in any decent school - irrespective of Ofsted grading or whether it's private or state) are going to have a significantly different relationship, one that consists of more regular dialogue, than the relationship between school and parents of non LAC pupils, if for no other reason than ensuring the PP money is actually being used effectively to support your child. In good schools though, the increased dialogue is less driven by PP funding and more driven by school staff wanting to do the best for their pupils. This isn't just idealistic pie in the sky thinking, like Kr1stina this has been my positive experience of a state Primary and from talking to many other adoptive parents in RL this mirrors their experience too.

In my experience if you get the right school for your child (and the priority admissions for LAC pupils are designed to ensure this) then the school staff will be willing and keen to have regular, honest and supportive feedback between school and parents.

In terms of looking for the right school for your child go and have a look at as many potential schools as possible, talk to them about PP and adopted children. This will tell you a lot about whether the school will be right for your child.

Personally I still struggle with the idea that boarding school would ever be the best fit for an adopted child for all the reasons I've previously stated but that is just my personal opinion.

There are good state schools and their are crap ones. There are good independent schools and crap ones. One of the benefits for parents of the priority admission for LAC pupils is the freedom to ask difficult questions of potential schools and make a decision on which school to go to based solely on what seems to offer the best fit for your particular child.

Selly, I've asked you several times what type of child you are adopting and why you think they woudl particularly benefit from the boarding element ?

You seem very determined that your children should board and I'm curious as to why that is. Are you adopted and did you attend boarding school as a pupil or teach in one as an adult ?

Or do you wish the children to board to accommodate your job ?

Can I ask how old are the children with whom you have been matched? I'm assuming you've been matched as you say you are considering a long term educational plan for your children .

What are your plans for the childrens education in the short term ? I'd be very suprised that any social worker woudl place a child with a family who intend to send them to boarding school immediately and most adoptable children are too young to board .

What were the views of the placing social worker and the matching panel ?

A child who is adopted will have invariably have experienced some form of trauma, a number of severed attachments.

The reason the outcomes for children who are adopted are so improved from children who grow up in various foster placements, for example, is that they move into a stable, loving family. They become part of that family. They are enabled to gentle bond with one or two primary attachments figures, their parents.

For children with issues around attachment, breaks in care from that care giver, care giver leaving, going to hospital, even staying with grandparents can feel very challenging, because they have experienced broken attachments in the early stages of life.

The reason as I see it, that boarding school is not appropriate for the vast, vast majority of adopted children, is that you are then essentially moving them from the family you are working so hard to establish for them, into yet another new scenario. They are cared for by multiple staff members, who are paid to care for them and are liable to take maternity leave/get a new job and have perhaps 20 other children to care for.

I think that whilst boarding school may have worked for your friends child, that is probably more from luck than judgement. In my opinion, boarding would be the worst possible thing you could do.

*apologies for use of 'care giver' - I wanted an all encompassing term for all the varieties of families who adopt!

mooey sums it up extremely well

I feel sad reading just the title of this post

kr1stina we are pre matching. Thinking of the long, long term. Motivated by best for child as an absolute priority and whole family dynamic as a second. My ideal scenario is to find a schools that works for the child- whatever kind that school may be- if boarding was an option at that school they would be to start as day pupil abd I would wait for the child to raise the opportunity of boarding. Even if we all decided it was an option it would be one under constant review. Loving your post Mooey- wholly valid points eloquently explained. Thanks so so much.

Just to add, LAC and former LAC of course have priority admissions to the school that best meets their specific needs. My LO would not have coped with any of the large local state primaries in our small town - so they go to a small state primary in the nearby village. Class size: 15. Class teacher and I have a home-school notebook that lives in LO's school bag so we can exchange info about anything going on that might have an impact. I have never had a problem booking informal catch ups, etc. I think you need to look at more schools before writing off state primaries.

I agree with Kr1st1na re the length of day - it took LO many, many terms before they could manage the anxiety of separation for a standard 9-3, and there is no way they can handle extra stuff on top. Each child will be different, and some may need more stimulation, but it's a reasonable assumption (I think) that our children will get much more out of additional activities if they're done with their primary secure person, so with their parent. Anyway, lots of activities are brilliant for bonding such as skin contact in swimming, so I wouldn't want to miss out on those!

selly, with all due respect you are coming across as being a bit fixated on the idea of boarding as a good option for your potential child's future. This is despite lots of experienced adopters saying this is a really bad idea because it will have a huge negative impact on your child's attachment and sense of self.

I'm well aware I cannot change your opinion and it is yours to have but please think very long and hard about the decision. You need to talk this through with your SW and get their perspective. If you are still convinced boarding is a viable option for any future child please discuss this with the child's SW at the point of family finding and pre matching panel and listen to their responses.

Selly, you do appear very certain that boarding will be best. Everyone it's telling you that it most probably won't.

Why post, and then ignore the advice?

No one here has said "boarding?! What a great plan for a traumatised child!"

I am really uncertain as to how to how I have come across as fixated with boarding? Other posters have given very eloquent, reasoned opinions as to why boarding would not be a good idea and I have thanked them and taken on board what has been written. I have also early on explained that I am a strong advocate of state schooling, coming from that background myself.

Maybe it's your thread title?

Ratherbeindoors I was interested to read that the smaller village primary had been good for your child. There seems to a lot of conflicting advice based on anecdotes - eg. others have said to me 'Oh, probably best to avoid the naiice small village schools as they won't have experienced dealing with LAC, there will be fewer potentially friends, likely to be difficult to break into friendship groups mid term...."
Thanks for all the input I am going to reflect on all the opinions and advice and put in my mental resource.
It will be a very local state primary for a mimimum of 4 years after placement anyway!

Aren't you deliberately missing the point that non-adopted children might not have the same deep seated fears and insecurities about being left and abandoned and potentially not loved?

A birth child raised in a loving family and sent to board aged 13 might have a very different view on boarding than a recently placed adopted child surely? So whatever the educational benefits of a public school education for the first child might be very different than for the second.

And a day school of course does not come with nearly as many potential pitfalls for an adopted child.

Aren't you deliberately missing the point that non-adopted children might not have the same deep seated fears and insecurities about being left and abandoned and potentially not loved?

A birth child raised in a loving family and sent to board aged 13 might have a very different view on boarding than a recently placed adopted child surely? So whatever the educational benefits of a public school education for the first child might be very different than for the second.

And a day school of course does not come with nearly as many potential pitfalls for an adopted child.

There's not a whole lot of conflicting advice on this thread though is there? Not sure where all these anecdotes are coming from, they all seem to fly in the face of the experience of the posters here...

Tbh I think this thread is a bit i.e. a lot goady.

I can't think of many things worse than sending an adopted child to boarding school. I could contort myself to consider scenarios that might lead to that being the right decision but it's very hypothetical and I've never met any adopter in the real world who would think it's the right thing to do.

OP, I'm very surprised you have apparently got through the adoption process to the point of having a link and think this is worth considering. And a child might well ask to board, but that still would likely not be in their long term best interests. Some adopted children ask to live with birth family too but we would never consider that as a good option either.