Independent (especially boarding) and suitability for adopted children

[selly24]

Can experienced adopters/social workers share their experiences and opinions on this please?

I certainly agree that attachment is our priority as adoptive parents but each child is unique and it is possible that boarding school could be positive for some children, even if this clearly wouldn't be the case for the vast majority. Surely it depends on the age the child was adopted, and the age they go to boarding school. For example, a child who was adopted at e.g. 10months, has very strong attachment to their (adoptive) parents, and goes to boarding school at age 11 or 14, is totally different from a traumatised child adopted at 4, boarding at age 6.
Personally, I can't ever imagine sending a child to boarding school, adopted or not. However, I do know those who have thrived in that environment. Rather than making blanket judgements, the individual circumstances of each child must be taken into consideration.

But that child will still have attachment needs and boarding school is always going to be the least positive place to promote attachment. ALL of your basic needs are being met by people who are paid for that work and all of them are potentially transitory.

Sometimes some things just don't work together.

All children need an educational setting that is 'right' for them and meets their needs. For some this is home schooling, others an independent school, others a state school. We don't know what will be right for our children until they are placed with us. From the anecdotal evidence I have heard from various people in real life over the years i am of the opinion that boarding school requires a child to have a very strong sense of attachment to their family for it to be a successful experience for the child. Adopted children have not had secure attachment (see adoption uk's 'the wall') and it is our job as adoptive parents to try and build a secure attachment. This is a lifelong process. DD is fairly secure in her attachment at the moment but I am not naive enough to think that that means we can cross attachment off the list and consider it a job done. I am well aware there will be plenty of opportunities as she grows up where she feels insecure and vulnerable as a result of insecure attachment and multiple moves in her early life. No matter how securely attached she is to me, those early, nurturing attachment opportunities that birth children who stay with birth families experience were something that DD missed out on. I would strongly fear that sending an adopted child to boarding school would only reinforce and create further feelings of loss or abandonment.

My DD knows that I am her mum forever, she knows she is loved unconditionally but this does not magically erase the sense of loss and abandonment she has from her early life experiences. We work hard on attachment in every day life, but if I sent her away to stay at boarding school, where someone else was (hopefully) meeting her primary care needs I am pretty sure she would feel like she had been moved on again and would question why I wasn't around. I would think it is highly likely she would internalise this, along with her previous life experiences, as evidence she wasn't 'good enough' or 'lovable' enough to stay at home with me. How could I knowingly put her in that situation? I couldn't. I honestly think boarding school is a terrible idea for adopted children

My parents used to threaten me and my sister with boarding school when we were naughty! We were terrified! Only later did we realise they could not afford it.

I think boarding school would be an odd choice for an adopted child unless things got bad at home and boarding school was actually better for child.

I also think it is wrong to assume a young baby will be well attached, they may be, they may have issues.

I got my baby at 9 months. Huge avoidant attachment issues that are a slow work in progress. Pretty sure they wouldn't be ready for boarding school by 7/8 or even later. Even if i wanted to send them away - which i don't.

Narnia it really isn't as simple as that, and poppystellar has it right for her child hopefully but not for all adoptive children. You cannot assume that simply knowing about attachment and providing a loving nurturing environment will mean that you will be able to control outcomes, nor that children will react to things in the same way.

I think holding a child back from their dreams, if boarding was the best way to realise them, e.g. ballet, would be wrong, if that child wanted it, and parents were fully involved, yes.

I agree with PP that being dogmatic often causes poor parenting.

Imagine saying, no, I will not allow you to become the best, in a field where you show talent, _because you are adopted. Way to create issues around being adopted!

Boarding would be detrimental to most children. But so is rigid, dogmatic parenting.

I think you'd get fairly short shrift if you mentioned boarding to a SW.

My 'concerns' regarding state schools are the following (based on visits to a lot of schools (state and independent), as job requires it:

-Class size (withdrawn/ coasting child not on anyone's radar due to classes of over 30 due to class size predjudice and or other LAC priority entry etc...)

• 'Our way or the highway' approach to behaviour/discipline including shaming (Children asked to sit for time out/await further staff descision re discipline in the reception area of school in full view of visitors)

• Difficulties speaking to staff (poor home school communication)

-Shortness of school day/lack of balance academic vs activities/sports. Higher staff to child ratio / less able to deliver pastoral care. Rare to have a personal tutor, multiple members of staff who are personally involved in a child's welfare.

• State school being too government target focused. SATS levels under the thumb of OFSTED..

Naturally there are good and bad examples in both sectors and am just airing my concerns.

I do know that overall state schools are better placed to offer learning support and have a legal obligation to support and educate the child, in a way that an independent does not.

Just musing and hoping for feedback.

Private does not equal boarding, though.

I think (based on nothing but a couple of years of having a kid in school) that if your DC can't survive/thrive in a normal, good, well-chosen mainstream school, then you are quite likely to need the additional support/services that state are more able/willing/mandated to provide.

Keep in mind that with priority admissions you get your pick of schools.

There's nothing rigid or dogmatic about my parenting and nor am I recommending rigid dogmatic parenting!

Loads of things aren't good for adopted children - cc isn't, time out isn't etc etc. Boarding school falls into that category for me.

Op says she wants to adopt - she's not asking about a specific child with specific needs.

And I'm sorry you feel this is holding your hypothetical made up child back from their dreams greenandblack. Although I'm fairly sure that the only child who would ever be in the situation you describe is Harry Potter and I think we might agree that he's something of an outlier...

I just don't think it's right to say something is never going to be right for a child, at any point in their childhood, because they are adopted. I think that is unnecessarily rigid. If DS was mid teens, and offered something amazing, we'd at least discuss it. Unlikely! But I'm not ruling anything out, simply because he's adopted. DS is not made up, and I think you're being rude.

Are you saying no child should ever be adopted by a family on a Scottish Island? Because the kids there routinely board for Highers, some for all of secondary. State schooling. I think it would be a shame to be narrow minded, and a child miss out on the best family for them, because someone is rigidly against all boarding. Or for an adopted child to not do Highers because they are adopted.

The OP was asking about hypothetically. My children are very real.

I doubt boarding is best for most kids. But being rigid/dogmatic is just never a good plan with children. And you are being rigid that boarding is always bad for all adopted children and all families. That just can't be true.

'There's nothing rigid or dogmatic about my parenting...... Loads of things aren't good for adopted children - cc isn't, time out isn't etc etc. Boarding school falls into that category for me'

Narnia, I don't necessarily disagree in principle that these things are probably unwise for adopted children - in fact I cannot understand why any parent would advocate cc - but by making a blanket statement that these things are not acceptable for ANY adopted children, isn't that the very definition of dogmatic? You're saying that your points are undeniably true for all children - but each child is different. There are exceptions.

I normally agree with much of what you say (actually, not just this thread but in general) but life isn't black and white and there shades of grey. 50 in fact, - or so I've heard......

Hmmm. My first instinct is, no way. I cannot imagine my dd2 (adopted at 10 months) being able to deal with that. She is 7 and still sleeps in my bed.

I do know one child who went to live with a kinship carer at the age of 11. Her home situation had been horrific for years, she was already boarding at this school. Her relative (my friend) told me she was going to continue the boarding; she said the child didn't trust any adults, her only meaningful relationships were with her friends at school. That kind of made sense, though it seemed a rather sad 'making the best of a bad job' and I did wonder if the child needed to feel claimed by her new family, not just allowed to carry on drifting away. But who knows?

I also know an adopter who put her newly placed toddler into 8-6 nursery when she went back to work after 6 months. She assured me he loved it. I wondered if he adapted easily because he had been in a very busy foster home and the environment felt normal to him. But normal doesn't imply that it was what he needed. Against, I felt the mother should claim him, not just let him drift away.

So I accept it's possible that boarding school CAN work for an adopted child, but I think it would be a very specific and exceptional situation and should not be chosen for the convenience of the parent. If someone is single and can't spare the time to parent a traumatised child properly, then should they be adopting?

I didn't mean your ds was made up greenandblack and I apologise if it sounded that way - I was talking about the situation you described.

We can always come up with scenarios which test ideas. But as spookyrachel points out, mostly they would be 'making the best of it' situations.

This board is used by lots of people - some evident, some lurking, some experienced, others less so. I'm happy to say that boarding and adoption don't sit well together as I'm happy to say the same about lots of other aspects of parenting.

But I do think that people here are dedicated flexible parents who do the best for their children and deal with difficult situations all the time. Which means they would be able to negotiate the rather unusual circumstances people have posited here in the best possible way. Including living on a remote island. I still don't think that warrants a 'whatever you think is best for your child' answer here. I think boarding - particularly for under 16 - is probably bad for children's emotional health and even more so for that of adopted children.

Yeah, my judgement is: not necessarily wrong in all cases, but certainly high risk.

Thank you.

Isn't adoption always about making the best of a bad situation, and trying to do the least worst thing?

OP, I would not go in to adoption planning to send a child to boarding school, that would be very unusual, and I would question if you really understood trauma and attachment. However, I would not judge an adoptive family where a child did board, unless I was sure I knew every single fact. I also don't believe in restricting options before reaching bridges, just because they've already been unlucky in the lottery of life. (Mixed metaphors!)

I'm an adopter and have worked in both the private and state education systems for longer than I care to admit!
I think most people would be shocked at the goings on in boarding schools.
Yes there is routine, however, there is also freedom. I know of children aged 13, 14 forging letters from parents about family parties they must attend and then going off to all night rave type parties and returning the next day unbeknown to staff or parents. Huge late night drinking sessions on the pitches, bullying fag type behaviours, blind eyed by staff and considered the norm.
I wouldn't send any chid there. Why have a child whether by birth or adoption and institutionalise them?
I also find people that have been to boarding school haven't a clue about living in a family or for that matter, the real world.

I am struggling to see why it would be better for any adopted child to board rather than going to school each day and living with their family .

Could you explain why you think it would be better ( apart from ' my friend did it and she liked it ') ?

You asked for feedback on your comments, which in fact seem to be about private vs state rather than boarding vs day .

-Class size (withdrawn/ coasting child not on anyone's radar due to classes of over 30 due to class size predjudice and or other LAC priority entry etc...) - my children are in classes of 16 and 20 at a state school

• 'Our way or the highway' approach to behaviour/discipline including shaming (Children asked to sit for time out/await further staff descision re discipline in the reception area of school in full view of visitors)

What an odd comment - are you suggesting this happens at EVERY state schoo in the county and never at private schools ? Why would visitors know why a child is sitting there ?

• Difficulties speaking to staff (poor home school communication) I've had any problems speaking to staff

-Shortness of school day/lack of balance academic vs activities/sports.

We do extra curricular activities but many adopted children cannot cope with a long school day

Higher staff to child ratio / less able to deliver pastoral care.

See above

Rare to have a personal tutor, multiple members of staff who are personally involved in a child's welfare.

Really, how odd! You have been in some very poor schools. Most primaries have one or perhaps two class teachers

• State school being too government target focused. SATS levels under the thumb of OFSTED

We have no SATS or OFSTED

I'd also like to know what kind of child you hope to adopt , what you think their needs might be and how you think you could meet these needs ?

Kr1stina thanks for your reply. I didntvwant this thread to turn into a state vs private debate but I can see how my 'musings' came across that way.

You are exceptionally lucky to have a state schools with such small numbers in the classes. Sadly the schools in our area are oversubscribed and all classes are around if not over 30 per class.
Re: Personal tutor

....continued- sorry posted too soon..
Re personal tutor. In boarding schools it is usual to have another member of staff, aside from teachers who deliver the curriculum, to be a personal contact for the child. This person would meet regularly with the child, to support and encourage them and to be there to discuss any concerns.
Any positive thoughts I had about boarding school have been the opportunities to be well supported holistically by people who are skilled at connecting with young people. Obviously parent's attachment, support, nuture and understanding are absolutely essential, for all children - even more so adopted children, but as these children grow, surely there are going to be things that they don't want to /feel able to talk to parents about. Isn't it a plus to surround a young person with a support network?? In a boarding environment staff are available throughout the day. Staff I have heard speak of a drip drip praise effect, they are able to drop in a positive comment, note good behaviour at many points through the day eh. Over lunch teacher may spot the child and say 'I saw you playing really well in that hockey match' or Mrs X told me that your writing is so much improved'
I guess because there is more time in the boarding school day, there is not the pressure to cram everything in by 3pm or the hassle of commuting to/from school.

These are my initial positive thoughts which I am quite happy to have challenged. That is why I am.here.