Independent (especially boarding) and suitability for adopted children

[selly24]

Can experienced adopters/social workers share their experiences and opinions on this please?

OP, have you done much research into attachment and trauma as you've progressed through the process? How do you propose to reconcile your preference for longer days/tutors/longer-term boarding based on your research?
For context, my LO was/is a very easy to place baby. Three years on, we still have to enter and leave through the exact same door in nursery. I do days of preparation in advance of needing new shoes because the loss of a familiar pair of shoes can be triggering. These aren't unusual or extreme reactions from children's who have loss at the centre of their psyche. I honestly have no idea how you would get an adopted child ready for the plans you are considering.

Tearingdownthewall it is fairly normal for nursery aged children to be sensitive about change, to be traumatised by the loss of something familiar, and so on.

Yeah tearingdownthewall - ALL KIDS DO THAT.

OP, I know what you mean re expectations of village schools - there's the "in a small school there's nowhere to hide / smaller friendship circles / potentially less LAC resource/expertise" vs "in a small school the child will know every child and adult, the environment will be physically easier to feel secure in, they have the flexibility to adapt learning for individual needs". I feel hugely lucky in our school - the warm, nurturing atmosphere is the school's priority (they are good/outstanding and they say it's because they focus on the children feeling secure), they sent every staff member on extra attachment training because "every adult is responsible for meeting the needs of every child", they ask me how I'd like pupil premium to be directed and then go far above and beyond...and yes, friendship circles are smaller which may later pose challenges, but the school view is they need to invest in equipping children with the skills to repair and restore relationships, so the value placed on emotional literacy is very high. It wouldn't be right for every child - some might need somewhere livelier and bigger, but it has a lot of strengths and is perfect for us.

Thanks combined, I've actually met children before so I know that separation anxieties and attachment to objects exist. What's your point? That I might be mistaking the anxiety for perfectly normal behaviours? Hmm, I hadn't considered that before. That's a weight off my mind. Thanks.

combined, meet jelly.
You two will get along. I don't believe I've seen you both on the same thread before.

Tldr

I had to de-lurk just to post this:

Tldr you and I can now perform our famous rendition of the matchmaker song from Fiddler on the Roof.

Fucking lurkers.

COME BAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKK!

We've got

tldr

Yeah well obv you have to Google it because the potential for insanely offensive Jewish stereotypes is just humungous...

Oh, well, if there's cake on offer, it would be rude not to!

Yeah...it's virtual cake which might turn out to be a bit shit...

selly can I ask how you know the adopted child/children are happy and thriving at boarding school? What evidence is there, or was it just what the adoptive parents told you?

We also do not use breakfast club/after school care. I do have a couple of friends who know my adopted son and birth dd well and they sometimes have the kids for a day on the hols/pick up or take to school but literally like in 2 and a half years it's been one or two drop offs, maybe half a dozen pick ups a year and holiday care is mostly dh and grandparents if I am working. I'd say ds was very securely attached but this is all he could handle at six. Holiday clubs would be hard for him.

I'm slept on this. It seems to me an even worse idea than it did yesterday. Not one of the benefits the OP suggests comes near to outweighing the value of having a family, living in a family, seeing your parents every day and having them available to talk to, confide in, to advocate for your interests...

It's kind of worse for me, OP, that you are considering this in the abstract as there is no child-led reason to be focusing on it right now. I think you should be careful about raising this with the SW as I can't believe they will react well.

I'm slept on this. It seems to me an even worse idea than it did yesterday. Not one of the benefits the OP suggests comes near to outweighing the value of having a family, living in a family, seeing your parents every day and having them available to talk to, confide in, to advocate for your interests...

It's kind of worse for me, OP, that you are considering this in the abstract as there is no child-led reason to be focusing on it right now. I think you should be careful about raising this with the SW as I can't believe they will react well.

So good I named it twice.

I agree with spookyrachel. I think sending an adopted child to boarding school is a terrible idea.

Lots of things about the comments are troubling to me, IMHO...

If a child asked to go...
They might ask but it still would not necessarily be in their best interests. We rarely make decisions for kids on what they want exclusively.

It's easy to imagine a child could pick up that this might be what you want and so request it.

OP you do seem quite 'fixed' on the idea that boarding school could be good. That is how it is coming accross to me.

I have a few friends who sent their kids to boarding school. They had their reasons and it worked (I think) for them.

But I think for the majority of kids it is not a good idea and for the vast majority of kids who joined their family by adoption it is not a good idea.

The comments about a longer school day don't map with the reality of how many children struggle with the school day.

The drip drip of positive comments must be tempered with the potential drip drip of negative comments from class mates and maybe even teachers.

Plus not seeing mum/dad at the end of the school day, to discuss those comments/concerns with, sounds dangerous. Who will affirm a troubled child in the night?

Plus I think it is better for kids to learn to identify their own achievements and be able to praise themselves. They don't get to be able to do this all by themselves (ironically). Will boarding school staff really have the time and inclination to nurture each and every child as much as a parent does?

The adopted child who thrives in boarding school will be the exception not the general. Why would you just incidentally happen to adopt the child who is an exception when you are already thinking about this?

Sorry if that sounds harsh but my gut feeling (very sorry if I am wrong) is you feel being able to send your adopted child to boarding school you will somehow have achieved the almost impossible, done such a good job of raising them they thrive on boarding school. I think your friends have sort of turned your head with their 'assumed' success.

I am very sorry if this is not the case but that is how it feels to me,.perhaps for good reasons to you, maybe noble reasons, but I think your logic is skewed. Sorry. All the best however things turn out.

PS selly24 I do not mean you are intendending to do it for these reasons, and saying it for these. I mean that underneath you may see attending boarding school as a sort of badge of achievement and are being slightly driven by the fact your friends appear to have done so well with their adoption which included this type of school. I do hope that makes sense. I think you are wanting the best but may be slightly skewed by your friends choices.

This is a genuine question.

What is a goady post?
Will understanding this reduce the friction on this forum and help us all to listen to one another a little more respectfully?

Selly - could you say more about want kind of adopted child you think will do better in boarding than day school ? I've asked you this several times and you haven't answered.

Also why you are considering this , apart from the fact that you've met one adopter who said their child thrived there - is that really the only reason ?

Like others, I find it intriguing that you have not yet been matched and yet you are making an education plan for your child/ren. can I ask if you have been approved yet and if so, what was the reaction of panel to your plans ?

As I have said before there is no plan - just a willingness to look at all options in the long term. Without question, this will initially be a local state primary with the feel and resources that best suit the child/ren. Post adoption, 5, 10 years into placement.....?? I am keeping an open mind, but very much taking on board all the very reasoned arguments that have surfaced here. Thank you so much everyone.

Offredalba A goady post is when someone posts something really outlandish that they know for a fact others will disagree with. Or words to that affect.

I do not personally think the OP is being goady. However, I do think that the Op's keenness to hold onto something as a possibility despite many posters saying what a bad idea this is, shows that to some degree they are not really taking on board what has been said (that is my opinion).

The difficulty is that one can say 'I am keeping an open mind', and that sounds very positive. But if one's open mind contains things that cold be harmful for the child, it seems not such a positive thing to me.