Help! Lack of bonding going too far!

[Kazza299]

I have posted a lot about how difficult I am finding it to bond with as now 8, placed for 11 months.
But I feel things are coming to a head. My parents and other family members commented over christmas that it is obvious that I don't like him. They say I talk to him very badly and are on his case constantly. I don't disagree.
But what am I supposed to do? I just can't seem to 'fake it'
I have seen a councillor but it didn't help. We have seen camhs once and have another meeting in 3 weeks. I'm just not doing the poor lad any good.

[Italiangreyhound]

Kazza I am so sorry it is so tough.

I don't think the behaviour is normal and I think you are right to be worried. I think you are right to shout as loud as you can for respite or help or whatever.

One random thing that jumps out at me is that your son doesn't call you mum, and this is distressing to you. I can totally understand it. I mean I can understand why it is distressing.

I wonder if he is withholding this waiting for you to snap and act mean so he can feel justified in not calling you mum?

Do you and your dh have time apart with the boys, one on one, per child and then swap etc? And do you have time to just the two of you?

Can you do any activity with your older son that is artistic, or requires some sort of focus, some activity he might be good at but need to learn and you can learn with him? This is as well as all the other stuff.

Can I also check if you have had any assessment re ASD or ADHD or anything and also if any other factors are there such as bullying at school?

You said you and your dh analyse everything that is done in the day, do you think that maybe you need to lessen off this and focus on a few areas.
It really is very hard to eat the whole elephant in one go, as the saying goes.

Lastly, is there anything at all in the 11 months that has been fun or nice or good that has happened with ds1? Can you think of any good memories, find the photos of any nice days. I feel he is in there somewhere but he is making it so hard for you, because it was so hard for him. No one is judging you, we are all here for support. You are trying so hard, I hope and pray you may find strength and break through

[HelenMac123]

I feel for you and have personal experience of adoption 'going and gone wrong'. Our adopted daughter was older at adoption and hated us from day one. She abused other younger children in the home and eventually we reached a point where we had to accept that we could either get help or ruin the family. (She was not our first adoption)
We had no help( from social services who were so thorough pre adoption and yet unable / disinterested in helping make the adoption work for all of us once we had the papers signed.
Sadly our adopted daughter was returned to a foster home and we were instantly stigmatised for failing her. Interestingly those who were most vocal were those who would never dream of adopting a child they were not blood related to. I would advise anyone in a desperate situation with adoption to get help immediately and not feel guilty about holding their hands up a and admitting it's not worked out. You are the one who had it in you to try and give this child a home, you tried when no one else did !
take care and get help asap
Helen

[Italiangreyhound]

Kazza how is it going.

I just posted this on another thread and thought of you...

Perhaps look into love bombing...

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

www.lovebombing.info/index.php/about-the-book/more-from-the-book

Thinking of you.