Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

Yes it bothers me.

It bothers me enormously. What kind of unfeeling monster would be happy to hear themselves described as "disgusting" or "dismissive” ( there were others but I don't have energy to reread this thread).

It makes me hesitant to post and want to delete posts where I've shared more than I should have which is probably wise.

I don't understand why those of you who are scared to post in adoption seem to have no problem with being " dismissive” of other posts in other sections yourself and get involved in some pretty robust arguments but struggle to do the same in adoption. Not that I'd suggest it

I know the SN section has been accused of being clique-y in the past. Was that ever resolved?

I agree with Velvet.

And since this all kicked off 1 week ago there have been 31 threads started or added to on the adoption forum. All going well, many by new posters or newish ones. And the posters on this thread, who are not the drop ins, have been helping answer questions on the others. There has only been one response on those 31 threads where I thought an answer was a little bit short with the OP, that's it.

I have found other forums on Mumsnet to not to be my cup of tea, so I don't go there. There are plenty of other adoption forums and support places to visit, you just need to find the right one for you.

Oh by the way , notanotherword , I see that you have just become a mother through surrogacy in the last few weeks . What a coincidence, so has saturn vista who posted a lot down the thread.

You two should get together, I'm sure you would have a lot in common. As you're new to Mumsnet you might like to know that there's a PM system, the button is at the top right of the page

It doesn't bother me at all. Not everyone likes the feminism board, AIBU gets alot of grief, SN is sometimes accused of being cliquey. There will never be a space that 100% feel comfy in .

I'm going to agree with WereJamming again - this section is nothing but a bunch of people posting. It changes over time as people come and go. If others think it should be changed or isn't meeting their needs then they can make suggestions in site stuff or post in a way they think is more appropriate and get likeminded people to join in.

I strongly disagree that this space is for adopters only - I've been here as a potential adopter thinking through my next steps, as a potential adopter and as an approved adopter. In fact the longest running thread here was a newbie thread for those in the early days of the adoption journey. I've always found it lively and supportive.

There are lots of adoption boards that offer support - I don't gel with some of them so don't post but dip in when I need to research something. Nothing wrong with the people, I just find this one easier to use, clear advice, topics well covered so I stick with this one. That's life.

Hi all,

We have had several reports about this thread but they do seem isolated to this thread rather than to the Adoption topic as a whole.

If you feel that there should be subsections within the Adoption topic or any new topic suggestions, please do post in Site Stuff and we will gauge opinion from there.

Obviously, we would like Mumsnet to be a place where people can come for advice and support and we welcome everyone for all walks of life and with varying perspectives on Adoption and any subject, to post.

We are a peer-to-peer support network and we try and avoid making different topics too 'exclusive', however, if there are on-going issues that need to be addressed we will help as much as we can.

WereJamming

Just returned to this thread and realised my mistake - yes, no intention to fool you whatsoever. I've put unwise amounts of personal info up lately and thought this (failed) name change was a good idea for future posting.

I have become a mum for the second time, yes. Thanks for that . Yes, I'll will be parenting six children who are currently considered ineligible for adoption. So not 'saving' the world or even six children, really. Cheap shot from people who supposedly care about kids and their biological parents.

It's hard not to feel frustrated with adoptive parents actually because so many beautiful children are considered not perfect enough to be considered by them for adoption. It feels like they're buying a new car. I realise every family wants a healthy child and adoptive parents are under no obligation to accept 'less'. And not every family would be able to handle the stress of additional needs. However that doesn't seem to go far enough. Looking at the all the children who won't be adopted, I would not be handing any laurels to the majority of adoptive parents. They haven't done anything inherently better or kinder than the rest of us; no basis for the moral high ground that I can see.

Also find it funny/baffling that there are people out there with so little to do that they read up on strangers whose opinions they know they won't like for the purposes of finding things to ridicule...no offence but I can't imagine feeling interested enough in any of you. It's also rather poor form but that's clearly not a problem for some of you.

Sorry , Saturn vista / not another word - was that supposed to be an apology for sock puppetry ? Or rather , changing your name in the middle of a thread but failing to say that you were the same person posting again. Because you wouldnt want to mislead anyone into thinking that you were a totally different person making the same point, would you ?

And your rather pathetic attack on adopters is just laughable actually . You are just randomly lashing out at any one and everyone . Hopefully anyone reading can see through this and not be hurt by it .

Please go away and leave us alone .

I gather notanotherword is another poster who has name changed.

It's hard not to feel frustrated with adoptive parents actually because so many beautiful children are considered not perfect enough to be considered by them for adoption. It feels like they're buying a new car. very hard for me to take anyone seriously when they make this kind of statement. Its such a glib soundbite and diminishes the real difficulties of prospective adopters going through the process and worrying about what they can cope with. Knowing the children that many of adopters on here have decided to go ahead and adopt you would feel ashamed of your statement.

If that's the kind of statement that being "dismissive" protects this particular board from then I've changed my mind - no it doesn't bother me at all that people with that view feel they don't feel comfortable coming into Adoption and complaining that we haven't taken on children who are damaged enough.

Do we get points for adopting a child dependent on their perceived difficulty in being placed:

Under two -2pts
Blonde blue eyed -2 points
Unpopular sex and race +2pts
Extreme prematurity with query diagnosis of various possible problems +3pts
Global developmental delay (unexplained) +3pts
Possible foetal alcohol syndrome +3 pts
Pre-natal exposure to drugs born drug dependent +3 pts
Extreme neglect prior to being removed +3 pts
Over 5 +4pts
Physical cruelty resulting on more than one broken bone +5pts
Sexual abuse +6pts

You can take the moral high ground if you have say more than 10 points
You can bask in the moral lowlands if you score between 4-9pts
0-4 you need to put up and shut up and listen to what more worthy people who have adopted have to say
Under 0 and you have to prostrate yourself to anyone who hasn't adopted and beg their forgiveness for not just going away and buying a car instead. You have no morals at all and have no right to have even considered a child below a 3 pointer shame on you.

But what if your child develops problems not identified at the time of adoption - tricky because you really didn't intend not to pick a perfect one so no points for you I guess?

But who will then adopt all those perfect children that everyone is adopting

Will no-one think of them?

We could have some kind of adoption leader board?

Well, RebeccaMumsnet I have indeed posted in Site Stuff asking again to have the Adoption board as an opt-in...

Feel free to go and comment as you see fit!

Adopting my son was EXACTLY like ordering a new car. I just tootled on down to the social services showroom and picked a gender and colour. Exactly the same. Well obviously minus the years of preparation & training, research, hellish matching, glorious intros, legal headaches, seperation anxiety, sleepless nights rocking my grieving son to sleep, laughter, tears, tentative hugs and very first "mama" - it's nigh on identical to buying my skoda octavia. Uncanny.
Genuinely sorry to hear of your loss.

My car is filthy dirty, as is my wee man; my car was exposed to trauma when a tiny baby car as was my wee man. It's frightening how many similarities there are between adoption and choosing a car. I can't believe I missed it before now. Right, just got to go cuddle the car so it knows it's home forever and going nowhere. I'll leave the wee man in the garage while I do that.

You know, you might be judging too soon about the slug friend...

I see your " buying a car analogy " and raise you

" not everyone can cope with special needs like we can "

< worries that the woman who adopted six or is it ten special needs kids might hold a better hand than me >