Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

mobile.abc.net.au/news/2015-04-21/sammut-our-reluctance-towards-adoption-is-hurting-children/6409484

hmmmm...This was an interesting read. I must remember to quote it next time a poster states we should leave children in care rather than adoption as an option. Seems Australia is a good comparison for showing what can happen if we follow that route.

Anyway, I'm sure the 46 adoptions in 2014 mentioned, with the consent of birth parents have an open adoption that works. But the remaining 89 out of care adoptions, hmm....89 out of 40,000 children in care. That's 1/5th of a percent!.....No, I just can't use anything from that as reliable evidence to encourage open adoption in the uk as a matter or course. Sorry.

And I agree Kew with post adoption support for everyone to enable success...It's not going to be possible.

We regularly speak about birth family in our house, we look at pics, we update them with info from letters, there's no secrets. I don't think face to face would add anything right now other than upset.

Certainly individual child comes first. It's interesting that in the USA where only relinquished children (as far as I know) have open adoptions, the only very clear benefit is the birth parents (which is fair enough that's a good side effect) results for the children are mixed depending on age (post adolescence seems better than pre) and how able birth parents are to maintain contact effectively.

I agree that contact with wider birth family might be a possibility but very often if birth family were able to put child before birth parent then they might have been considered for an SGO. But I assume that this is a better possibility for children removed and even if adoption is without consent there must be birth parents who accept the situation once its finalised and at the appropriate time could re-establish contact. There are certainly birth parents who go on ot have and keep subsequent children so presumably their circumstances have changed so that they are no- longer considered a risk.

I still don't see enough support to make this a viable proposition in the majority of cases.

Yup Kew I meant when adoptees search in their thirties/forties than those contacts are more likely to be successful. I imagine, like you say, emotional maturity and resilience helps enormously but wonder whether sometimes those motivated to search earlier have had less successful adoptions and are looking for more from their birth family. The heavier the expectation from either party than the greater the likelihood of longer term failure.

Adult adoptees often know quite a bit about pressure/guilt and not wanting to let down adopted parents by searching for birth family. Whilst this can be a burden some of it is just that normal growing up process whereby you are close to your parents and then struggle to make choices which might upset them/their view of you. Anyway I suppose what I mean is I can see the merit to openness but as above face to face seems like too much for most kids regardless of circumstances.

Yes blue I can imagine that the pressure/guilt must be significant in some cases. I'd like to hope that changes over the past 20 years means that parents help facilitate their children's choice to search if that's what they choose, that it would have been discussed often enough before the point they seriously consider it that any feelings of hurt have been long resolved (at least publicly!). Of course that may be naive.

I think so many people of our generation only search after the death of an adoptive parent for fear of hurting that parent/s which is such a shame.

I'm sure a trickier relationship with adoptive parents must increase the likelihood of searching perhaps in hopes of finding a more adequate parent. Equally I think its a personality thing. I am fascinated by family trees and our (very ordinary working class) history, my sister on the other hand really couldn't be less interested - she thinks it's irrelevant. Oddly since DS, I have been way less interested somehow it seems less relevant to me too! He on the other hand is fascinated by stories of our family and my father gave him his great-grandfathers gold watch (youngest out of all 6 grandchildren) and his fathers (my grandfathers) trumpet which DS accepted as his birthright!

Mind you I think part of DS's interest lay in the fact that the fob watch is real gold!

Now thst is a proper childhood priority, a gold watch:)

:) so true though