Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

Glad you sent it back, MissFenella, but I'm very shocked they are no longer checking established contact. Shouldn't they at least let the parents know? - we basis a letterbox contract very firmly on the understanding that all letters would be checked.

I agree - does seem to change the goal posts a bit doesn't it.

Our problem isn't really around the letters per se its more about BM expectations that it will be fairytale land once the girls reach 18 and they are all reunited. She doesn't get or won't allow herself to understand that she may never see either of them again.

It's all terribly sad. All we can do is the best we can and give the love and stability the girls need. They will make their own choices hopefully equipped by us to make them well.

We've done letterbox for 8 years now. We would send back any letter like the OP received.

However letters as a whole are fine balance.
Initially we wanted letters from the BFamily to be reasonably upbeat, as DD1 worried a lot as to whether BM was OK, and we didn't want her worrying.
Then as DD1 got older, we wanted a bit of reality in the letters, to help her understand better why BF couldn't keep her.
Now life is a bit on the up for BF, with new relationships, and DD is finding it hard to cope with as they are moving on without her.

We just muddle through the best we can really.

We've never received a letter through Letterbox, and I don't expect we ever will. We did receive a big package of letters from bf after sw visited him in prison, which she handed directly to us without going through the Letterbox co-ordinator.

The contents were so scary, so upsetting, that I couldn't have them in the house. I couldn't risk dd finding them before adulthood, but it wasn't my place to destroy them either. So I had to send them back to the Letterbox office to be kept on file.

Today I had a response from Letter box team. I will precis:

Letter was checked as fine
we will no longer check your letterboox (2 years checking max)
BM only responds to what you say, so if she says something off, then its your fault.
its up to you what you do.
You need to be open and honest even if it upsets your children.

I am so impressed......

OMW
OMW
And again OMW

We have had a until we meet again letter for one of ours and it was difficult because it completely relegated us as temporary babysitters almost- SW said just ignore it- but her manager took a different view and asked for a new one to be written it never was, and we haven't had a letter since

oh my word. I am speechless Miss Fenella.

And where on earth is there an agreement that it is only checked two years max.

SS should hang their heads in shame.

Duplodon, I actually felt my mouth drop open at the way you were spoken to by the OP too.

I was going to contribute to the thread, but actually I feel that I don't want to.

OP Do you not feel that what you said to Duplodon further up thread was dismissive? I would have been very upset by it.

Why is everyone glossing over it in order to answer OP?

I'm utterly speechless and that comes from someone who has spent 10+ years helping a BM write careful letters.

This isn't Bms problem, it's ss letting everyone down.

If they no longer have funds to stick to the agreement that was made why not just admit that.

No need to attempt to apportion blame. That helps no one.

But that's where we are.

"You need to be open and honest even if it upsets your children" - if this is what the SW said it sounds absolutely right to me. Absolutely correct. I say this as someone who went through it, and someone who has wonderful children of my own. A part of them raising them to be emotionally intelligent is allowing them to be emotionally intelligent. This is an opportunity for you to talk about the issues - eg, point out that the BM has said something, you don't agree it is a wise thing to say because x y z and allow the child to identify and express their feelings, and validate their feelings.

OP, the way you addressed Duplodon was not helpful and my perception was that it was unkind and showed a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. If you google "teaching children to be emotionally intelligent" you may get some pointers - and I am sorry if that sounds patronising, genuinely sorry.

Because Fettucine this is Adoption and people are quite often posting about situations that are upsetting to them and/or their children and not always in the most patient frame of mind when someone wanders in to opine about adoption.

Those of us who are not dealing with a shitty contact letter are able to educate and explain to people who haven't come across the effect (of even the most brilliantly crafted letter) on the children, those of us who personally upset by the contents of such a letter have no time to worry about the feelings of strangers on the internet. You aren't always in the frame of mind to be the "educator" you just want some decent advice from others who have been through it.

On another day, in another frame of mind, no doubt MissFenella wouldn't have been so short by I gather 31st May wasn't that day. And this is Adoption not AIBU we tend to give a bit of leeway to those going through the shit rather than those who stumbled across it by mistake in active convo's.

It might be wrong by your standards but when people are struggling with something we tend to give a bit of leeway rather than pile in.

Obviously you have the right to disagree and scold OP roundly for being dismissive.

I am sorry if that sounds patronising, genuinely sorry.

Kewcumber, it was missfenalla who was doing the "piling in" and you are defending that - so it is ok for some but not all?

Where have I defended it?

OP made a one line comment - hardly "piling in" - I would consider "piling in" to be either more than one person making the same points repeatedly or one person making the same point repeatedly.

This is a thread started by me to discuss the issue I am facing.

If you have issues of your own feel free to start your own thread.

Thanks all for the helpful comments. It's always good to get a reality check!

Pretty non plussed by ss , although not shocked if I am honest. We will bumble on.

Enjoy summer with your families x

Lots of thread on this board are effectively support threads

They are here to support a poster and their family who are dealing with a very difficult situation .

It's not the place to post general thought about adoption / discuss philosophical points . Please feel free to start another thread to do this

My post was not philosophical or general about adoption or off topic. It was a direct response to what the OP had asked and then the information posted by the OP paraphrasing what the SW had said. The advice about using the letters as an opportunity to teach emotional intelligence was to the point, and I believe good advice, and to that end it was supportive.

I appreciate the need for support but getting advice and other people's perspective is also useful, even from people who do not sing from the same hymn sheet as it is usually provided out of concern for the children and drawing on relevant experience or training.

I also meant to apologise for my last sentence in my first post above. I was reacting to what had been said to another poster, but what I said wasn't said in a very helpful way.

These are our children-this is our family.
Considering the emotional mess that many of our children are in, they need measured support to develop emotional intelligence, they are not starting from the same threshold as other children in more balanced circumstances, and for many the requirement to meet the needs of their birth parents in childhood is probably a step too far in emotional intelligence training.
Our children will take different paths in developing emotional intelligence, it will be hard for them-there is no need to set the bar higher than for other children-to paraphrase Bruce Perry they are learning love (and emotional intelligence) as a foreign language.
It will all come together over time- but to expect the OP to train up her children to meet the desires of the person who has probably been the greatest let down in her child's life is really asking too much and if you can't see that adoptiononceuponatime then I personally wonder if your experiences have taught you as much as you think they have.

adoptiononceuponatime the need to be honest with our children was reinforced quite forcefully on our prep course. that children have the right to know their own story at an appropriate time and in an age appropriate way according to each childs needs

So for example you would tell a 4 year old that they were the product of an incestuous rape of a 12 year old by their step father. You would tell them that they grew in someone else's tummy who couldn't look after them, at 7 you might tell them their BM was too young to look after a baby, at 11 you might say she was still at school at 13 that she was only 12 etc etc and at some point you need to tackle the horrible rape issue.

By your reckoning if a birth parent say the jailed step father wrote a letter to your child telling them all of this at 7 and saying how much he loved them and would come and find them at 18 then you would read it all out and use it as a little exercise in developing emotional intelligence?!

Or a letter saying "When I get out of prison I'm going to come and find you and that bitch you live with better watch out then", you'd happily read out to your 9 year old who is already scared to sleep on their own?

I agree that "Open and Honest" is the way to go but "Brutally honest and Triggering" isn't.

"you wouldn't tell a 4 year old"

I was adopted, as per my user name, and my adoptive parents handled things in the same way as some of you. I do speak from experience and I am aware of what adopted children who have suffered trauma are capable of.

I didn't say i expected "the OP to train up her children to meet the desires of the person who has probably been the greatest let down in her child's life" or anything close to that - where has that come from? This is what concerns me - not only that other views are being dismissed but also that they are not being properly considered and understood before they are dismissed.

They might not be being properly considered on this thread because most of us have been considering them and dealing with these kinds of issues for years - it's not a 30 secind knee jerk reaction. It's not we would never consider reading a contact letter exactly as written just that we would consider the needs of our individual children at the time the letter is received.

Maybe we are all doing it wrong as I gather you think your parents did, maybe our children will be on this forum saying the same things you are. We can only do what we think is in the best interests of our child.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that adoptive parents are not a) adopted themselves; b) have no siblings/other close family who were adopted; c) have never spoken with adult adoptees about their experiences.

My personal involvement with adoption leads me to believe that there is no prevailing view from adults adoptees that is consistent which leads me to conclude that you have to assess each situation in the context of your child's needs at the time within a general framework that seems ethical.