Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

Its actually my GD. Made so much harder by the events surrounding being adopted. Being a professional with knowledge of what went wrong and having to ignore it when trying to write these letters. No photos or paintings etc for us to treasure. Possibly being dead by the time she gets to see them. Never knowing if she ever wants to reach out to her Dad for 'his side of things'. we were bled dry for information by the social workers through SGO and Parentling info when interviewed by the SW assigned to my GD. Not really sure what they will want. Not sure really how much business it is of hers for anything. We warned her re all medical problems already as part of the FF case. As for future relatives- my other children don't want children atm, but if they do they don't want it shared. My husband is so angry about how this has been arranged he is no help at the moment I am hoping he comes round- so its all about my wants for my 'ex' GD future happiness and I am fining it a struggle alone. I write reports for work they follow a structure. That easy! I am hoping the adoptive parent has a structured style for me to respond to. I know its not about me or my son. This is to a person I do not know who will never know me as a person because it is forbidden. I have even thought about asking my counsellor to draft a skeleton letter for me to add to. I have dozens of drafts but nothing will get past the censors

Wow, how I could I have missed the update to this thread. It's an education!

Big hugs to MissF, Suzanne, and all of us struggling with the emotional minefield that is letterbox contact.

At least it won't be just me-but it worries me The AdoptMum has the SW profile of me- so she will think she'knows me' she has the upper hand. How much of that is going to affect her letter content. We went late on when our son wanted to show a change of circumstances. The lawyer for the parent was not very nice about us.- suppose thats her job. So it worries me- How much do you get told about the family? Is this something to get worried about? No two counties are the same and something I read from one was quite 'abrupt' with letterbox from 'your' perspective. I didn't feel this bad waiting for cancer results, turned out negative but thats not what the drs thought!

Sorry, Suzanne, I'm not sure I understand your question? The adoptive parents will probably have had quite a lot of information about your family - but I doubt they will feel they have the 'upper hand'. The information that has been shared with them is so that they can understand the needs of the child and respond to them effectively.

I'm not sure how much that information influences what is written, as we (adoptive parents) certainly don't get enough to make us feel we 'know' the birth family. But I suppose we pick up clues that sometimes guide us - for example, the sw told me that our dd's birth father really values education, so I put in a lot of info about how well dd is doing at school, what a good school it is etc.

I hope my contact letters give some reassurance to the birth parents (though I don't know if they even receive them or read them). I have never had a letter back so it's hard to know. To be honest, though, the main purpose and motivation for doing them is for my dd. She thinks and worries about her birth family a lot. I wish they would write, as it might provide some reassurance for her.

Kewcumber.... I have already said specifically where I think you have gone over the line - I have just wasted 15 minutes reading all of your posts back very carefully and no, you haven't.

The closest I can find is this I found your posts upthread shocking and I apologised for using the word "opine" promising to stick to "express an opinion" instead when you said you didn't really have a problem with the verb "opine" after all.

I really don't think it's cricket to constantly refer to my shocking posts without telling me what they are.

Early life trauma is a recognised term which doesn't just cover (as you seem to think) abuse and neglect but many other things like medical procedures and the sudden loss of a parent or carer - as many adopted children will have suffered not just one sudden loss of a carer but at least two and in my DS's case 4 that we know of in his first year. SO even if you have a child who hasn't suffered any neglect or abuse of prenatal drugs or alcohol, the adoption process alone as it stands does a fine and dandy job of traumatising the child. If you google early life trauma you can easily read up on the effects of it and the increased cortisol levels have on a developing brain

And I don't think you mean "forced adoptions" - 95%+ of adoptions in this country are "forced" even people who beat their children and lock them in cupboards are generally "forced" by the state to give up their child. I think you are probably meaning to talk about mistaken adoptions or miscarriages of justice (if you prefer) - you'll piss fewer adopters off if you use the correct terms. Even people who are shockingly incapable of parenting love their children and don't want to give them up.

I'm pretty sure I'm up to date with the latest psychologists thinking on adoption having just come out of the other end of 3 months of treatment of my son by a child psychologist and attending a seminar of supporting adopted children in school which looked at the issues of brain development in children with early life trauma.

SuzanneL60 I'm sorry you are finding letterbox hard - it really is a minefield. But I know you asked about this before and have been given some good advice on what kinds of things would be good to include and can convey your feelings without falling foul of the letterbox rules in Surrey. I would suggest you follow the guidance you've been given on here on other threads. I think you may be overthinking the adoptive mothers view of you based on what she's read - she will most likely be thinking of the child and if your letter is helpful to her in making the child (over time) make sense of what has happened to her and is relatively easy to discuss with the child the I'm sure she will warm to you very easily and letterbox contact can continue and provide a comfort to all parties.

I received two letters a year from my 'father' from age 6-18, in every one he spoke about/made reference to meeting up when I was 18 and how miserable he was. This made me feel responsible for his unhappiness, and guilty for a long time. These letters also gave me a false impression of him being this wonderful, father of the year type, who desperately wanted to see me, yet was cheated and forcefully removed from my life; it was therefore even more hurtful when I realised what a complete shit he actually is. Sadly as children I think we often feel obliged to make our parents feel happy, and directly responsible for that happiness, I think you do an incredible job, you seem to care deeply for your children (unlike my own abusive parents and then adoptive parents), and I'm personally so pleased there are loving, thoughtful and conscientious adopters like you out there xxx

I'm sorry Dinotaurrexgrr - there can't be a much bigger failing on behalf of the state and parents than to subject a child to not one but two sets of incompetent parents. It's why I'm not usually very sympathetic to prospective adopters or potential adopters who moan about the intrusiveness of the approval process. In many ways I don't think its challenging enough or that parents are supported enough further down the line. But at least it has improved dramatically and forums like this enable adoptive parents to share experiences and techniques which they have found helpful which really wasn't possible decades ago even if you could get past the secrecy which was the norm.

Thanks dinosaur

Kew Perhaps Suzanne would like to have this conversation again. Presumably if she found out everything she needed to know before, she wouldn't be bringing it up for a second time. And she is probably aware that she mentioned it before and has the option of following that advice. That was dismissive insofar as two thirds of your post was dedicated to extending an argument that everyone else has forgotten about and one third seemed intended to naicely boost Suzanne and her issues off the thread.

Kew Perhaps Suzanne would like to have this conversation again. Presumably if she found out everything she needed to know before, she wouldn't be bringing it up for a second time. And she is probably aware that she mentioned it before and has the option of following that advice. That was dismissive insofar as two thirds of your post was dedicated to extending an argument that everyone else has forgotten about and one third seemed intended to naicely boot Suzanne and her issues off the thread.

If expecting the adults to consider the child's needs over their own makes me hardened then I'll take that.

That was a bit dismissive saturn - only two sentences actually refer to my wanting to know which bits of my earlier posts were "shocking".

The rest of my pre-suzanne comment was directly referrring to adopted's most recent post.

I will apologise to suzanne if she thinks I was being dismissive to her sincerely, that wasn't my intent. Its often hard to get good advice when its mixed up in a thread such as this, I still feel the advice she previously got is clearer when on its own or if she wants to post again then I'm sure no-one will mind.

MissFenella You would reach that goal more effectively if you were pleasant about it rather than hostile. She wasn't the enemy - wasn't even an inadequate parent, just a gp caught in the crossfire. Least you could do is share your perspective constructively so she has a better chance of pleasing the woman who now has her grandchild, (who she so graciously now calls her ex grandchild.)

Kew Come on you had a big pointy head for the whole thing, you know you did if you care to read it again :)

I'm going to hide the thread because this isn't constructive, I have nothing useful to add and I won't have the self-discipline not to keep posting if I can see it :)

You are making my generic comments about one poster of whom I know nothing.

Stop doing that.

Come on you had a big pointy head for the whole thing, you know you did if you care to read it again

I have absolutely no idea what this means - what on earth is "a big pointy head"?

MissF I think some posters assumed your comment at 21.03 was aimed directly at suzanne rather than being a general comment about how to phrase contact letters.

Not worried about comments as such- just needed to know how much you guys get told. SS were pretty hostile towards us and i worry that will be passed on thats all. The truth will never be known to her, just the version of the 'truth' leading to the adoption.

Practice makes perfect they say
Thank you

Ah well in my case I got no information at all as BM gave false information and didn't name BF but our case is unusual. I'm sure someone else can fill you in better. The impression I get from friends who have a more typical situation is that the descriptions of parents/family are what kind of things they like, are good at etc rather than more emotional/feelings/judgements stuff.

Sorry to hijack the thread but suzanne I'm sorry I can't remember if a contact meeting between you and the a-parents has been suggested? Would you be up for it if they were prepared to meet you? I do understand that you might not be able to do that but you might find that it irons out some of your concerns and makes contact letters a great deal easier in future.

We wanted one, she has agreed to see the mother, once out of prison but not my son or us. Not sure what that means. But it is not easy to get a feel for her. Getting false impression from the start. Don't know if that's normal as we are ignored by SS as to an answer. I am not entitled to anything and ignore sons requests. Don't have a lot going for us. Only time will tell. Maybe in the future. I just cannot sit on hopes and dreams my cup over filling has dried up almost completely. I was always an optimist. My friends don't recognise me anymore. I don't go out alone except to work. I get counselling over the phone now as Its cheaper. It gets worse rather than better. I don't need contact with our GD. We were bled dry for SS in an expectation that was not corrected. We just have to take what we are given and hope we don't upset her new mum. To know that it may stop her end is something I am prepared for. However would that stop me from writing regardless to show my commitment to the contract I signed? Kept on file?
I was 'asp caused' of over thinking things. It's what some people do when faced with the unknown. I have always had backup plans. Part of being a parent of 3 and helper of two more when their mum goes into hospital for her treatments. Nursing People who can go from well to dying in minutes

Suzanne - I am an adopter and I'm well aware that the back story we got from SS was far from the whole story . That they are selective and misleading in their use of information for their own ends . Not all of us are completely gullible .

I'm sure it doesn't help you, but you need to know that SS ignore everyone when they want to and treat everyone equally badly . You get nothing you are not entitled to . It's nothing personal - you are just of no further use to them . You were only useful when you were potentially a " resource " , they don't think of you as a real person with feelings .

SS are not punishing you because they think you are a bad person - you are just nothing to them . They don't care . You are not their problem .

It's exactly the same for adopters once the adoption order is granted . Or prospective adopters who are turned down. Or anyone else who they can't use .

You wondered what the adoptive parents have been told about you . I would guess that they have been told very little about you, perhaps just that you applied to have your bio GD but we're not considered suitable .

I can tell that you are devastated at losing contact with your GD. That you feel you have been deceived and let down . But that wasn't by your bio GDs parents , and if you continue to be filled with anger and hatred towards them, it won't help you to get on with your life. Nor will it help your former GD or your contact with her .

I'm sorry, I know this is hard to read

I have no anger or hatred for my son or his partner. They were just pawns in a game SS likes to play.
Thank you for your information. I keep hoping this all gets easier. I am never going to know if it has ever been worth all of this anguish.

I meant your bio GDs adoptive parent/s . You write as if you rather despise her / them, and I fear that will come over in your letters .

You wrote

" I sit here wondering what 15 years of this is going to bring me to keep going. "

It will probably bring you very little . In the same way that writing to the birth family usually brings the adopters nothing. Everyone is supposed to be doing it for the child .

" Being a professional with knowledge of what went wrong and having to ignore it when trying to write these letters. No photos or paintings etc for us to treasure. Possibly being dead by the time she gets to see them. Never knowing if she ever wants to reach out to her Dad for 'his side of things' "

Your bio GD is a baby / toddler, the letters are for HER , not a chance to put " your side of story " . It's not a court of law. Using contact in this way will almost certainly get it stopped .

You know that In a divorce, parents are advised not to drag their kids into it and use them as weapons ? It's the same here . You are angry at SS and you are wanting to use any contact with your bio GD to " put things right " . That's a big mistake IMHO

" we were bled dry for information by the social workers through SGO and Parentling info when interviewed by the SW assigned to my GD. Not really sure what they will want. Not sure really how much business it is of hers for anything "

Don't you want your former GD to have any information about her bio family
? How on earth do you think she will get it , if you don't want her mother to know ?

" This is to a person I do not know who will never know me as a person because it is forbidden"

No it's not forbidden . Your best chance of establishing or keeping contact with your Bio Gd and her family is to focus your anger and distress elsewhere ( where it belongs ) and try to have cordial contract contact around the needs of the child and not your own need to show why you are right and they are wrong . I sorry if this sounds harsh , but that's the reality.

" At least it won't be just me-but it worries me The AdoptMum has the SW profile of me- so she will think she'knows me' she has the upper hand. How much of that is going to affect her letter content."

So you think her mum is so stupid to believe that a persons whole life can summed up in a paragraph written by a SW for a court report ? ? And your comment about " the upper hand " shows you are still thinking of this as a fight. Honestly , the mum is not your enemy , unless you turn her into one .

" We wanted [ a meeting ] ,she has agreed to see the mother, once out of prison but not my son or us. Not sure what that means. But it is not easy to get a feel for her. Getting false impression from the start. "

I don't know why either. But I would be apprehensive about meeting you, from what you've written here. I would assume you wanted to put me in my place and tell me what's what. Maybe if you write reasonable and kind letter, you may have a chance to build bridges with her .

" We just have to take what we are given and hope we don't upset her new mum. To know that it may stop her end is something I am prepared for. However would that stop me from writing regardless to show my commitment to the contract I signed? Kept on file? "

Yes that's right. She can stop the contact if she feels in not in her child's best interest . Of course you can still write and the letters will be kept on file, in case the child wants them when she is older. And I would hope that your commitment is to your bio GD, not to a contract . I'm afraid you come over as wanting to be right, rather that showing your bio GD that she was loved .

I can tell you are very angry and hurt , of course you are. I would encourage you to get some counselling, as you say you can't talk to your husband . And of course, there is help there for your son too, if he wants it .

I know my comments will be hard to read , but they are intended to be helpful . I wish you and your family well

I am spending a fortune on counselling. No I don't hate the adopting parent and only time will tell if it has been worthwhile.
I have cut and paste the useful information and perhaps I should not return.
Thank you anyway