Letterbox

[MissFenella]

Is it usual/typical for letters from parents to include 'when you are 18 and we meet again....' type stuff.

Letter from birth mum included a few 'wonderful future together' type references.

Putting aside the heart crushing 'she thinks I am babysitting' element (because that is about me not the girls) how would you couch the tone to your children?

As a birth mum I avoid all sorts of things including telling my son I miss him (because it's not fair for him to feel bad although I miss him every day. And even now still cry) .I refer to them as mum and dad n I use my first name so as not to confuse him .I don't paint a rosy picture of my life but I gloss over The negatives (such as my epilepsy) and concentrate on the positives .I wish them happy fathers day mothers day Christmas Easter depending on the timing of the letters etc .

Letterbox is supposed to be in the best interests of the Child .These sound potentially damaging. When and if my son wants to contact me and meet me I will do so with open arms and I do hope one day to be reunited but when and only when my son is ready.

Selfless as ever Miracle.

Stacey

What a short sighted, patronising and rather limited interpretation of suzanne's position. You were unable to come up with evidence for your accusation that she despises the adoptive parents; she obviously doesn't but is despairing about how to please people she feels may be biased against her and whom she hasn't met. She has obviously gone around in circles without ever getting the info that would allow her to pitch the letter right and although that may make some peoplr resentful of the recipients of the letter, she is just exasperated with The System. There was absolutely no evidence she resented the child's parents and no evidence that she wanted to use contact for self serving ends to tell 'her side'; she simply didn't know if some mention of her son's perspective would be appreciated by the child.

If you are going to dollop out advice on chart forums, you should really brush up on your insight/close reading skills. I realise that may not be what you want to hear but it us the truth and I wish you well :)

Good job that wasn't patronising Saturn - might look a bit pot/kettle otherwise

Wow Saturn , I can see it's going to be a real education having you on the adoption threads . You have certainly made your mark on this first one . Thanks for putting me right. Perhaps one day I'll know as much about the subject as you .

I hope miss Fenella has found it helpful .

Perhaps you could tell us more about your own experience of adoption? I can see we have a lot to learn from you . I'd love to hear how you have handled contact with your childrens birth family/ families and how you've dealt with issues such as flashbacks, PTSD, security , social media .

Do you have face to face meetings too and how do you handle the fall out with your children ?

How do you liaise with your children school and other agencies about contact ?

How do you handle contact with different birth families ( I'm assuming you have several adopted children ) ?

How does it affect you bio children ?

Crikey I haven't seen an adoption turn into such a bunfight for a while.

an adoption thread

I'm not going to ask if you have been a birth mother because you very clearly haven't.

What the jeff does that mean? Some of us adopters are also birth parents; some are not. I have no idea whether Stacey is a birth parent, but I am, and I too am wondering what you are seeking to achieve by your behaviour on here.

Saturn I've stayed out of the bunfight but with comments like your last one about Stacey not being a birth parent, I can't ignore! You've barged on to an adoption thread for support for adoptive parents. The poor OP's original question has been completely lost in the whole arguments between people.
A comment like your last one clearly infers an adoptive parent can't have the same perspective as a birth parent ie can't possibly have the strength of feelings!
How dare you! Really, how dare you!

I'm not going to ask if you've ever been a birth mother

It doesn't actually matter if you're a birth mother or an adoptive mother. You're still a mother.

I would NEVER suggest a birth mother is not a mother even if her children were now living with an adoptive mother. That would be wrong. You coming onto an adoption forum and saying the reverse....shockingly offensive.

Sorry Devora cross posted!

As did I...

I'm fuming! Completely and utterly fuming!

Debate is great and welcome, whatever your personal circumstances. But it is beyond offensive to wander onto the adoption board and imply that an adoptive parent is not as fully a parent as a birth mother. Saturn, nobody here is going to give any credence to anything you say after that, so if I were I'd stop wasting breath.

Is Saturn the person who first posted saying 'I don't necessarily agree with adoption although I would one day like to adopt'? (Cba to rtft)

It strikes me that that's the kind of clear thinking we need around here.

Sorry all, my fault entirely re the birth mother comment. I certainly didn't mean it hour it sounded (and would never intend to say something so offensive). I meant that it was clear the poster had not been in the position of relinquishing a child for adoption.

The rest I did mean but can appreciate that statement would colour the rest.

No, no you made that clear in your post. You were implying that she could never understand it if she didn't have a child that she couldn't imagine being without. But you clearly said BIRTH child. Because adoptive parents feelings towards losing their child just would never be the same, right? I think Devora's idea of leaving this discussion was a better idea. An apology like that is worse than no apology at all. Maybe commenting on posts in an adoption forum means experience with adoption does "have the corner on analysing content for emotions"...your own content and the emotions in others it may create that is.

Oh and BTW a 'relinquished' child is a child placed for adoption with full consent of the birth parent, not one removed from a birth parent's care, which I do believe is the case here.

Saturn, thank you for coming back and clarifying what you meant. I can see that I was probably too quick to infer bad intent into what you were saying; things were getting heated and I don't think anyone was in the mood to give others the benefit of the doubt.

It's a funny thread - it seemed to turn nasty very quickly, mainly due to the actions of another poster. A lot of people have been jumping around and slapping each other down - including you, including me.

I think Baffledmumtoday makes a very good point when she says that most adoptive parents are required to do way more than 'average' parenting. That doesn't mean that we see ourselves as superior parents or that we shouldn't be open to challenge - I spent yesterday begging post adoption services for help because I frequently feel utterly failed. But parenting the average adopted child IS more challenging than parenting the average birth child (and yes, I have done both) and a lot is expected of us. So the emotional temperature on the thread was hugely raised by suggestions that adoptive parents lack knowledge and skills and need to be introduced to basic concepts around emotional intelligence. Following that, it very quickly escalated to the point that any kind of challenge - including yours, which was intemperate - was not going to be calmly received.

As none of this is likely to be helpful to MissF, should we just leave it there? Happy to pick up on another thread if people want to, but it would be great if we could get this back to offering MissFenella support.

Debora, if you are talking about me, I posted all guns blazing primarily because of how MissF had spoken to duplodon.

I understand where you are coming from, but if you make cutting, rude, disrespectful comments, you will get people coming back in the same style. It is in your control. It is like you are in glasshouses throwing stones - some of you make awful comments to other posters. And the majority of people coming back at you know a lot about the subject or they wouldn't bother wasting their time contributing, knowing the kind of treatment they will get from you all.

Many parents on here are not the average parent. For example, Kewcumber made a cutting comment about my limited knowledge of trauma. In fact, one of my dc suffered a trauma caused by a medical process when she was 2 (I don't want to out myself so can't be clearer than that) and has been affected by neurological consequences, including some executive processing problems, and I have spent a great deal of time working on it with her, very, very successfully - awesome improvements - because of endless research and seeking out help and trying everything under the sun. The majority of people I know are dealing with something.

I am a very positive person and have taken the good from both my natural parents and adoptive parents but in order to that I had to work through a lot of issues in my early 20s. I then went on to have a very successful career and happy adult life. I am not talking out of my backside either.

And I have apologised for my out of line comments too.