Adoption or not

[Ainsley1999]

Im pregnant and really dont think that i will be ready to be a mum. At the doctor i saw a leaflet about adoption and i am seriously thinking about the option. I havent told any one but when mentioned adoption in a conversation with my parents they both said that no way would there flesh and blood be adopted. I know its my choice but can they stop me? I really dont want to fall out with them over it

I stay in Glasgoe

Glasgow*

Ah - I think child care law is different in Scotland. I've had a quick look and the issues for relinquished babies are under the terms of "The Adoption and Children (Scotland) Act 2007." It seems to be much the same as the protocol in the UK. However, there is an important difference and that is that the guidance states that "there is potential for family members to apply for Parental Responsibility/rights." It doesn't really say anything useful about the process for this, but you need to find out if you can.

The Scottish Act states quite clearly that they won't accept a mother giving consent to relinquish her baby until the child is aged 6 weeks. The baby can be placed with foster carers or prospective adopters from birth. In the UK a mother can give consent to adoption of her child before the birth, though of course she can change her mind at any point, until the final adoption order is made.

Can you go and talk to someone in the Social Work Department in Glasgow and get them to explain all these things to you. You won't be committing yourself to anything but it might help if you know the process.

Sorry Ainsley I forgot you were in Scotland, I know some laws are different. My experience of all this is through a friend and is in England so I am afraid I know nothing!

Thinking of you, sweetie, please do keep in touch and tell us how it all goes.

I relinquished my baby daughter 17 years ago next month.

Do I regret it? Honestly, no. I believe I did the best thing for her. I believe a life with a teenage me would have been chaotic and distressing. I had no idea how to raise a child; I thought if you smacked them they'd do as they were told. I thought breast feeding was disgusting. The name I had in mind was one I thought sounded French and sophisticated - luckily I was talked out of it!

Now, I am quite clever but I was immature for my age then and more like a daft 12 year old - you may be different Ainsley. A good friend of mine kept her daughter at 16 and she is honestly a brilliant mum - not brilliant for her age but just brilliant. All the same, I wouldn't say this to her for the world but she's ended up working in a supermarket and this was a girl being prepared for Oxford.

I hopefully gave my daughter good looks (!) intelligence and health. Her parents will give her love x 1000000 (they were made up apparently!) stability and devotion.

I know there are loads of 'ooh you will regret it ' posts and Ainsley may! but she may also feel it's the best for everyone. I know it's bad to say so on here as everyone talks about adoption being a place of loss but it wasn't for me or my baby.

I gained. I gained the chance to grow up, start my life again, learn from my mistakes, have an education.

But more importantly I think my child gained parents who love her and more importantly can really give her a proper upbringing. And I know although we've not been in touch they must be grateful to me for that - I feel I did one good thing in all that silly mess and gave a couple their adored daughter. At times I feel like a superhero :)

If the above makes me sound selfish or heartless I'm not. I wanted to keep her at first, especially when I found out she was a girl (I told you I was immature back then) but the really unselfish thing I did was let her go. I pray for her all the time and I really hope she gets in touch next year NOT because I want to be her mum because I'm not but maybe I can be her friend.

That's lovely to hear mytartanscarf

It's just made me think actually, sometimes I forget about the other end of my dds story.

Ainsley, I can't have children so an amazing friend had a baby for me. We used the turkey baster type conception route so it's her and my husband's biological child.
different as in she conceived her on purpose but she has no regrets about relinquishing her.
in the early early days she rang me crying to say that she was worried there was something wrong with her BECAUSE she had no regrets
she felt like mytartanscarf, like a hero. Still does

mytartanscarf that is so lovely to hear. I really hope she does get in touch.

mytartanscarf Thank you so much for sharing that - we need more people like you on MN! This is just what OP needed to hear! xox

Hi Ainsley

I've been thinking about you a lot over the past day and wondering what I would do if I were in your mum's place. My children are younger than you so I haven't had to cross a lot of the teenage bridges yet but I can see myself in the same situation - partly out of shock and partly because it is in my nature to, ahem, problem solve - just blithely taking charge and perhaps not listening to my child's wishes as much as I should. I think a lot of this would be motivated by a desire to make things better for my child and shoulder the burden for them but I accept that it might not be that helpful.

I wonder if your mum is susceptible to the same sort of need to organise and be in charge and have a plan? It is still really early days in your pregnancy - lots of people with planned pregnancies don't even tell people that they are pregnant until the 13-week mark - so she will still be digesting and coming to terms with the news and, I suspect, maybe blaming herself a bit that this has happened. Keep talking to her about what you want and be prepared for tears and upset - deep down, she may be feeling every bit as confused and lost as you are.

Good luck.

Are you finding the comments on here helpful to you Ainsley - just wondered.

Hey Ainsley, how are you doing?

I just realised in all this debate and advice I had never actually asked after you. Are you keeping okay?

I would like to share another adoption story with you. My cousin had an unplanned pregnancy, one she never revealed to her family until almost full term. She was absolutely adamant the baby was to be adopted, and never once changed her mind.

I bumped into that baby a few years later - I won't bore you with all the details of how I knew it was him - but he was entirely settled into his adoptive family, they were the only family he had ever known, they had him since he was a baby, and he was not scarred by adoption at all.

Who knows, long term he may feel sad, or rejected, but from the tiny insight I had that day I saw a happy family created through adoption, and I know my cousin felt her life was her own again after the adoption.

I cannot choose for you, or advise what will suit you best. But I wanted to share that story with you.

Yes! Definitely all of your comments have been so helpful thank you all.

I felt really alone and although I dont know any of you I feel so much better talking to you i think its easier than talk to someone face to face.

My mum is a planner, she always has to have everything perfect and she can be very stubborn, I wish she would come on here and speak to different people with different opinions coz my dad just seems to always agree with what ever she says.

I was talking to my guidance teacher at school today and I told him how my mum was acting and I think hes right in what he said.

A few years ago my brother got a girl pregnant and when the baby was about 6 months old he found out he was not the babys dad and he split up with his girlfriend after that and my mum and dad never saw the baby again. My mum was really upset by it and I know that it really hurt her because one day she had a grandson and the next day she never. And my guidance teacher thinks this might be the cos of her being against an adoption. But he also said that I have to put my feelings first and i cant make a choice round wither its going to hurt someone or not. He also said that he is going to look into getting someone to come to school to speak to me.

I am keeping good thanks for asking I

I have been reading things online about pregnant symptoms and I dont have any of them, I feel exactly the same as I did before only my bellys a little puffed out and i feel tired at school but at night I cant sleep lol

Having a baby taken out of her life like that must have been a horrible shock for your mum and, no doubt, is colouring her view of your pregnancy. I really feel for her but you are lucky that you have your parents' support if you do choose to keep the baby and, with plenty of discussion and honesty, I think you will find that they will try to support you should you decide to relinquish the baby (or have a termination).

It sounds as if your guidance teacher is going to be a very valuable ally - please confide in him about the horrific shaming you are experiencing, it makes my blood boil that you are going through this as well as an unplanned pregnancy.

I think it is a great idea to have your mum join mumsnet to discuss this.

Also, the guidance teacher will probably talk to your mum too.

Hi Ainsley I'm only 17 and although not a mum or pregnant I think I maybe know how you feel as I have a friend who I grew up who has now left school because she has a job but had a baby when she just turned 16. She is one of the best mum's I know and her daughter loves her so much I think (personally) I would have to keep the baby because I would just wonder about the baby ALL the time. Good luck and don't be scared to talk to your mum she's still processing and confused but she'll almost certainly support you. Also talk to your brother he kinda went through the same things as you (also don't listen to the bitches in your school they just have way too much time on their hands)

I think your mum is probably a) still coming to terms with you being pregnant b) terrified at the thought of losing another grandchild and c) speaking without thinking about how her words make you feel.

Talk to her. Tell her that you need her support to go with you to get some counselling and impartial advice. Tell her that it's your life and while you love her dearly, she cannot force you to do anything and if she continues to attempt to force her views on you then it's going to wreck your relationship. Tell her you will listen to her thoughts but you will make up your own mind.

Write it down if you need to so she has to read it and you aren't interrupted mid speech.

I'm adopted btw. My birth parents died when I was 6 and I've had a good life. My oldest child is 16 and if she got pregnant now I must admit I'd be upset but would do everything to support her keeping it. I would be devastated if adoption was her decision but it would be her decision.

Ainsley really glad talking to us is helping. If you mum wants to pm an adopter I am happy to chat to her. I would only tell her about my experiences and not try and influence her either way!

Best wishes.

Just be aware if you show her this page and your username etc you will not be anonymous. So you will not able to speak confidentially to us again! Just a thought!

If you are in Glasgow I have some local information that may be helpful. The health board has a snips (special needs in pregnancy) team that you will be referred to because of your age. www.gcu.ac.uk/media/gcalwebv2/hls/studentmentorzone/placementprofiles/2012/prm/PRM%20-%20Special%20Needs%20in%20Pregnancy%20Service.pdf there is a number there on that link. You could contact them now and arrange to meet with one of the midwives. They deal with young women in your situation everyday and will have experience of those wanting adoption. They will be able to refer you to local services that can help you decide what you want to do.

There is a mother and baby unit for teen mums who want to keep their babies and remain at school at smithycroft secondary in riddrie in the east end if you do decide to go down that path.

Please get some real like professional support ASAP. Online support and advice does have it's place but it can keep you going round and round in circles and get you caught up in other people's personal issues.

Jackieharris excellent advice.

www.sandyford.org/do-you-want-information-on-contraception-and-reproductive-health/pregnancy/teenage-pregnancy.aspx heres a link to a mobile number of a snips nurse.

Thanx i will take a look

Ainsley hope all is OK today. Or at least getting better re school and your mum. Hugs.

Hi ainsley, I haven't read the whole thread yet but wanted to reply to your op. I was a mum not much older than you are now (I was 16) I kept my son but I was in the situation you are in now. I found I was pregnant and my mum was against adoption outside the family. I felt I couldn't have an abortion and mum wanted to keep and raise the baby herself if that was what I wanted. I decided to continue with the pregnancy and see how I got on. I have parented my son from birth and actually have had two children since then (I'm now 25) I am married to the children's dad, finished school, a levels and we both have good jobs. I also encountered the bullying that you describe, and it is hard. What I think you should do, is what YOU want to do. You and your baby is all that matters here. I have no experience in adoption so please feel free to discount me on that side of things, there are plenty of more knowledgeable posters than myself on this matter, however, I just wanted to give my point of view as a teenage mum. There are ways and means of succeeding either way. As I said, you need to do what you need to do, for your own sake as well as the baby. Feel free to pm me if you want to :)