Adoption or not

[Ainsley1999]

Im pregnant and really dont think that i will be ready to be a mum. At the doctor i saw a leaflet about adoption and i am seriously thinking about the option. I havent told any one but when mentioned adoption in a conversation with my parents they both said that no way would there flesh and blood be adopted. I know its my choice but can they stop me? I really dont want to fall out with them over it

Hello there - no your parents can't stop you from relinquishing your baby for adoption, but it's a very big step to take. Also you can't really have any idea how you will feel about your baby until he/she is born, and I imagine you might feel very differently then - mother nature usually makes an entrance!

Years ago, "unmarried mothers" as they were called then (in the 1920s/30s/40s/50s/60s and right up until the early 1970s) had no choice but to have their baby adopted unless their parents let them stay at home and bring up their baby with their support. You only have to meet some of these women (those who are still alive) who are still grieving for the baby they had to give up for adoption. Fortunately attitudes changed and it became possible for single parents to keep their babies.

If you are not ready for whatever reason then you are making the right decision by just thinking about your options - that's a good thing.
Always remember that as long as you are thinking about your situation you are on a good track.
Having a baby when you are not ready is a very dangerous thing to do. Both for yourself and the child. When i say dangerous i don't mean that you wont be able to feed, clothe or love your child but there will be an emotional and mental disconnect which in the long term will be an issue. All that glitters isn't gold and many parents foolishly seem to think that if they give their child materialistic things thats the job done.
I think adoption is a beautiful thing and if you reevaluate your perception of what makes you a woman and a good mother you will find that "giving up" your baby is not a bad thing, a shameful thing or a lazy thing. I don't even like the term "giving up" as though you are throwing something away.
Being a mom is about being secure, being ready, having the right frame of mind, being supportive, being kind and being selfless
If adoption is what makes you all of the above so be it
Don't let anyone tell you that being a woman / mother is about the physical process of giving birth. That's disgraceful, sexist and ignorant. Yes, you are pregnant, that just the biology of it. Being a mother is 1% 99% of the latter i just said.
Please don't worry about your parents, they say what many parents say as though a baby really is just flesh and blood. It's so much more.
Please get back to us we are here for you

Ainsley: sorry, lots of questions for you.

Do you get on with your parents?
Would they be prepared to help you a lot?
Did they give you a good childhood?
Presuming you live with them, is it a happy house without domestic violence or alcoholism? (Sorry, don't mean to be offensive).

A friend of mine had her first baby adopted 50 years ago and last year met up with her for the first time in all those years.
She had spent 50 years being sad about giving the baby up.
My friend's mum made her have the baby adopted, she had no choice as she was only 15, but since then she has always a very strained relationship with her Mum.

My friend wishes her mum had supported her and let her keep the baby.

I don't think I agree with a lot of what CandidKate has written.

I don't agree at all candid.

Neither do I candidkate - I think that's very bad advice to a young vulnerable woman who is pregnant and I hope she disregards it.

I agree with the first few lines of Candid's post about thinking about all your options - that's better than sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will all go away. And I agree adoption can be a really positive thing - but I would give anything for DD to have been able to have a happy and stable upbringing with her birth parents rather than adoption. It really isn't as simple as handing over an unwanted baby to some loving adoptive parents and all live happily ever after

I agree with CloserToFiftyThanTwenty.

candidkate I am curious to know (and you really do not need to tell us) but what is your personal experience of adoption?

Ainsley1999 I hope you will be able to talk to some people in real life about this. It is a massive thing.

Although adoption can work out well for children who are adopted into loving families, it is not a simple thing and I would imagine for a woman to give up or relinquish her baby is a massive thing.

My experience is I am a mum to a daughter by birth (aged 10) and a son by adoption (4). I adore them both more than words can stay. I was late to come to parenthood, in my late 30s and I have known mums older than me, and lots younger than me! One who was a single parent at 17 and is an amazing and lovely mum to a really smart and lovely child.

Only you know what is for the best in the very long run but please, please consider this very carefully. There can be a slightly romantic view of adoption, which I feel candidkate has expressed. And I do not think it is at all as simple as this. I also posted to candidkate first because I wanted to ask their experience. Before I started to reply to you.

BUT irrespective of the experiences of any other posters on here I do think you need to consider very seriously for yourself:

• What support you may have (perhaps more than you first think)
• How you would mange the practical sides of parenting (you do not need to get it all worked out but having some ideas how things could work, might help you to see what is possible)
• How you would handle saying goodbye to your baby and knowing you might never hear from them again (that might be unlikely as nowadays there is letterbox contact and adoptive parents can send photos etc but this does not always work out as adoptive parents might not continue the contact). Of course if you do decide to relinquish your baby, then I do sincerely hope you will make the most of letterbox contact both for your own sake and for the sake of the child.

However, before getting too far ahead of myself can I just say please do not let your parents thoughts cloud your own views too much! Either way! It is your choice, they cannot make you keep your baby, nor can parents (thankfully, any more) force their children to give up a child!

But it may be that if you find yourself in a stance where you want to give baby up for adoption and they want you to keep the baby you may find yourself 'pushing' to do this even if you begin to change your mind and decide you are keen to keep the baby! So do remember to stay in touch with your own feelings in this.

You are important, you are key, it is not all about the baby but please do not underestimate how important this child may be to you.

You have not mentioned the baby's father, is he a factor? Are you in a relationship/still in a relationship? Is he someone you may wish to/be able to raise a child with? Not that this matters, many people do raise children alone.

Whatever you do, bless you, because this is not a situation anyone would want to be placed in, and you need support and space to think it all through.

Please do keep talking to us, if it helps. I hope it will.

I wonder if candid is in America where open adoptions might be not e common. I hope you have support irl and find peace in your decision, op.

Yeah i live with my parents and they are supportive and i have a good up bringing, at first when they found out i was pregnant they were very shocked and very upset but now they are ok.

Im not in a relationship with the dad hes my mums friends son and he goes to my school he knows im pregnant but hes not interested.

I dont want to sound selfish but i prob am, i dont feel ready to have a baby i want to continue with school and i think that the baby would have a better life being with a family who want a baby.

I did mention adoption to my mum again and she said she would bring the baby up as her own before she would stand by and let it be adopted. I really dont want that either, for the babys sake i would prefer it to go to a home were it had a mum and dad and a normal life and not being raised by its gran thinking its their mum. I also dont want to upset my mum.

I dont want to be pregnant or have a baby but i couldnt go threw with an abortion either. I know that getting pregnant was my own fault and it could have been prevented and i know that i have messed everything up. In my heart i know that the baby should go to another family but i dont want to cause any upset with my own family

OP your profile states that your 15, I could tell you were younger from reading your posts.
You clearly state that you do not want your unborn child which I would expect as you are still a child yourself. You say you had a good upbringing so why where you not informed about contraception? Not just for the falling pregnant factor but also to protect your self from STI's.
How far along are you?
If you decide to keep your baby then continuing with your education may still be an option however its not going to be easy. Are your parents willing to help out with childcare etc?
If you do decide to go ahead with adoption you need to prepare yourself emotionally as you will form a maternal bond with your baby before its even born. You said you would not go through with an abortion is this something that may still be an option?
I dont mean to sound harsh with anything I have said I just dont think you fully realise what lies ahead of you. I have a 15 year old daughter and I would hate to imagine her in your situation. I have educated her on the risks involved with having sex but these things do happen.
We can only advise you of our opinions the big decisions are down to you and only you, you need to consider all your options carefully and decide what you really want. X

Yea i am 15 and im about 10 weeks. Im not going to have an abortion so dont need to think it as an option coz its not a option

I had a really good up bringing and i know all about safe sex. I stupidly had sex without using protection and I know it was wrong but its my fault and not my parents. I wasnt taking the pill or anything because it was the only time i have had sex and it wasnt planned, i know we should have used something else or not even have done it i honestly wish we never.

I hope this doesnt happen to your daughter too.

Your not the first person to say to me that im still a child myself but going through this has made me grow up alot and i dont see myself as a child, it kinda upsets me when people say that to me.

I know that I have alot of "adult" choices to make and I am going to make them all on my own however difficult they are, i really do want whats best for the baby however hard it might be for me.

Do you have support family? Friends? Teachers? X

I have my mum and dad

Half of my friends parents have stopped them coming around anymore and the rest have been acting weird with me

The boy whos the dad told his friends and it got round my whole school and a teacher found out, i got pulled into a meeting with my guidance teacher and i told him i wasnt pregnant but he contacted my parents and they told him that i am. The teacher then got the school nurse to have a chat with me and she told me i can talk to her anytime about anything.

I dont want to sound horrible but the honest truth is i hate the fact that theres a baby growing inside me i wish it would all go away. I want to go back to when things were normal i know this is all my own fault and i know i need to live with it. I dont want to have a baby but if i have it adopted its going to hurt my parents why should they be hurt because im an idiot. If i keep the baby im not going to be able to give it the life it deserves. I hate going to school and knowing everyones talking about me, i cant tell anyone any of this because they are already worried because they see me as still being a child and im trying to prove that i can be an adult about it all.

You should talk to your patents about how you are feeling you dont need to go through this on your own.
Forget the kids at school you will soon be yesterdays news.
Your little outburst there says to me that your not really coping but trust me pregnant ladies in there 40s have worries as well.
It sounds like you really need to have a chat with someone close to you who you trust.
We will all be here for you if you want to chat or just fancy a rant but really think about having an honest chat with your parents you might just feel much better afterwords, good luck sweetie x

Go to somewhere like Brook or even your GP and ask to access some urgent counselling. Have you spoken about this to your social worker?

It sounds like it has all been a massive rollercoaster of emotions and reality that talking through will help you.

Whether you keep or give your baby up for adoption you can only makr the ebst decision for the both of you at the time judging as best as you can the future.

The UK has a massive anti adoption bias which is a legacy of the forced adoptions decades ago. Things have changed but are not reflected in portrayals in soaps or some of the comments on the thread.

What ever happens you will be supported make a final decision which balances both you and the baby.

I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do and I don't think it makes you selfish at all.

You are in a situation where there are no easy choices, and where any choice you do make will have long term consequences for you. This being the case, you need to think about what is best for you and best for this baby and the person responsible for deciding what is best is you not your mum and dad. Equally, much as you love them, what they want has to come second to what you want in this instance, it really does.

I think some form of counselling with someone outside your school and family would be an excellent idea. Whatever you decide, you will need a chance to talk things through.

Having recently had my sons placement order granted - so he can be placed with an adoptive family - I thought maybe I could shed some light.
It has a very emotional decision and will affect you for the rest of your life - I relinquished a year in May and it hurts, it really hurts but ultimately its the best decision I could of made for my little boy.
I'm not sure whether you'd need your parents directly involved if you chose to relinquish your baby as your under 16 so that is something to consider but ultimately nobody can force you to parent your child.
I signed a section 20 form at birth (it's basically giving the baby up voluntarily rather than court orders etc) and had 6 weeks to change my mind - I did then changed it again when I realisef I was being selfish in wanting to parent my son.
Parenting a child is hard but is more than possible with the right support. Placing a child for adoption is an emotional mind field so you'd need to be completely sure it was the right decision. If you'd rather talk via pm feel free.
Look after yourself x

Are you in the uk ?

I thought that children's services were bound by law to consider either the father or any other family members ie. your parents before adoption can be considered.

I don't want to alarm the OP but if she doesn't want to raise the child herself can she actually stop her parents from stepping in and raising it without her backing ?

OP, please ignore if you think this is out of line. I have no wish to pressurise you into something you don't want to do. More give information, if that makes sense.

When I was 19 I became pregnant and immediately dismissed the idea of a termination. I really assumed a lot of things about it that I wish I had actually researched a bit more.

I thought that it would be painful/scary - I didn't know that if you do it early enough you can just take a pill. I thought that it might affect future fertility, which it doesn't (not a safe, medically managed termination.) I thought that I would have these awful feelings of regret - I didn't know that you can feel pain and regret and loss any of the three ways that you go, that the clinics are often extremely sensitive and don't make you feel guilty, will avoid letting you see anything which might be distressing.

In short if you want an option which will make it all go away as though nothing ever happened, this is probably the closest one to it, though of course nothing can really be like that.

Maccie, that's in the case of a child being removed for their safety I think, not when the birth mother chooses to give the child up. But I couldn't be totally sure.

OP you say you don't want the baby raised by a grandmother "thinking that is their mum" - would this be the case? Would they actually be bringing up the child as "Mum" - or would it be as Gran - with you being able to be around, be involved, have contact, but still get on with your school work, go to college/university, start a job, do all of those things? Or would it be too hard? I agree it wouldn't be ideal for a child not to know and perhaps later to find out.

candidkate your post is awful

How exactly is it sexist to say giving birth makes you a Mother?!

Have re read Kate's post and can't see the issue.

Ainsley, all the best. See how you feel when you give birth if you're sure you don't want to terminate the pregnancy. X

Ainsley it is not your 'fault'. It takes two to make a baby. please do not feel guilty any more about this, it happened, you did not plan it, it took two and now you need to move on and do what is best.

You alone can decide what is best, with advice.

I agree with BarbarianMum.

As far as I am aware the issue of relatives being contacted to look after babies is if they are taken into care, not if they are relinquished. As far as the father goes does he want to be involved? If not then you do not need to think too much about his involvement, IMHO.

You age of 15 was mentioned, maybe you would you be 16 by the time the baby was born?

You are a child legally but as you are having a baby you are doing something which is quite 'adult' so you are being forced to make decisions and choices which normally affect adults.

I think you need to (as much as you can) forget about the comments of cruel and stupid classmates. Who knows many of them may have had sexual relationships etc. Who are they to judge you - either may. Unfortunately, you are in a difficult situation but you will at least find out who your real friends are.

I know that is very young. I do understand your desire for continuing with school etc. It most definitely is not selfish.

Please start to be kinder to yourself, you are not selfish or bad, you and this young man just made a mistake, which has very large consequences. Whichever way you go, it is your choice and you need to feel positive about yourself in all this. Whether you give your child up for adoption (and make a childless couple incredibly happy in the process) or ask your parents to help raise him or her (which will make them happy, presumably) you will be doing an amazing thing for your child.

But what would be the right thing for you, only you can work that out.

I wonder how old your parents are? Are they 40s, 50s? I just adopted a child aged 3 (with my dh) and I was almost 50 when I adopted. We also have a daughter of 10. Our son was not relinquished but taken into care, so not the same situation at all. But my point is I am an older mum (though often told I do not look my age!). You may feel your parents are older but actually if your parents are 40s they are not that old. Or even 50s would not be very old, if that is a concern.

Would your parents raising your child mean they had to pretend to be the mum and dad? Surely not! I believe they could raise the child as 'kinship carers' and the child would know you were their birth mum. Of course if they were providing the care day by day the child would think of them as their 'parents' but would also know the truth and would probably think that is all pretty normal. Not strange or odd and most of all not secretive (which is generally very destructive IMHO).

Good luck, please keep talking to us if it helps.

I think you need some counselling to help you think through your options. You can get this through your GP, or maybe the school nurse can point you in the right direction, or if there is a Brook centre in your town, phone them and explain what's happening.

You need to think it through without worrying about what other people think - including your mum and dad if you see what I mean.

Good luck to you x