Adoption or not

[Ainsley1999]

Im pregnant and really dont think that i will be ready to be a mum. At the doctor i saw a leaflet about adoption and i am seriously thinking about the option. I havent told any one but when mentioned adoption in a conversation with my parents they both said that no way would there flesh and blood be adopted. I know its my choice but can they stop me? I really dont want to fall out with them over it

Ainsley I am not sure I realised you were only 15 when I wrote my original post. I do hope nothing I said was unhelpful or inappropriate.

All the best.

The baby will be coming in october and i am 16 in november

My mums 42 and my dads 45, I spoke to my mum again this afternoon and told her that I am thinking alot about adoption and she didnt seem very happy at all and said she doesnt want me to give her grandchild away then tonight I saw on the laptop that her or my dad have searched "my teenage daughter is pregnant do I have any rights"

I have always been really close to my mum and now I dont feel close to her at all.

What is Brook?

I have school tomorrow and I am going to talk to the nurse about adoption I want the baby to go to another family

Ainsley I am so sorry you do not feel close to your mum at the moment.

I totally support you in the decisions you make but can I just say in your mum's position, and even as an adopter, i would almost certainly be saying to my daughter (who will be 15 in 5 years time) that I wanted to look after her baby. For all kinds of reasons. Please not allow your sadness or anger about your mum or dad's thoughts to make you feel separated from your mum at this time. I don't know her or her motivation at all, but in her shoes I would want to give my child the option of knowing the child when they are older and I would want to protect and care for my grandchild, and (if I am honest) I would be very sad at the prospect of not knowing my first grandchild.

NONE of this is your responsibility but I wanted you to know some of the things that might be running through your mum's head right now.

If you do explore adoption more, please do ask about the prospect of a more open adoption where you or your parents, or you and your parents may be able to know something of the child, as they grow, as this might help your mum to be more understanding of your position.

Brook is an organisation who offer unplanned pregnancy counselling. They will speak through all of the options with you and help you find any information that you need. They don't push any one option and they don't have an agenda. They want to help you make the choice which is right for you, they also are only for young people, so they are very experienced with young women in your situation.

Your school nurse might be able to tell you where your nearest Brook centre is or you can search here: www.brook.org.uk/find-a-service/

Ainsley, your mum will come round, I suspect she might be thinking that adoption is an option you may regret and cant reverse.
In a previous post you mention that you are worried about your pregnancy showing when you are at school, do you have a bump yet? How are you feeling about that now? X

Op, I respect the fact you want the best for your baby, and you are being so brave. A lot of people have given you good advice, but I just wanted to say please think very carefully about what you are going to do. Right now having the baby and keeping it seems very scary, I know that, but your mum will help. I know you aren't getting on with her right now, but knowing people who have been adopted, I believe with all my heart your baby will be better off with his or her loving grandma, and knowing you as their mother, than going to strangers. Those questions and fears about their mother's motives last through a whole life, and you wont be able to put that baby to the back of your mind. You will still love them and think about them when you are an old lady.

Just think it through, I can promise you that you will not regret keeping the baby with you and your mother and father, but both you and the child will regret the adoption and the lost years for the rest of your lives. Ive seen it too many times to deny it.

Take care, and please try give your mother a fair hearing without being angry with her.

Adoption can be an amazing thing if it's whatYOU want.
I'm sorry for your parents but it's very unfair of them to pressure you.
My dad is 16 and I would be devastated if she had a child now, relinquished children seem to lead t o healthy happy adoptions.
I think you should just take your time. Your body, your choice. America seems to have it much more sorted, babies are relinquished rather than aborted, and can go on to have the future you want.
You can change your mind up to it being 6 weeks I believe, if you do decide to keep it, sounds like mum and dad will help, which is great.

I always wonder with these threads why so many people seem to try to browbeat you into keeping it, yet tell infertile people to "just" adopt rather than try so much treatment or surrogacy etc. this last bit isn't really to you op.
I'm so sorry you're getting hassle at school.
Keep talking to us, we will support you either way, there's always someone round.

Thank u fir everyones advice. I know why my mum is not wanting me to go with adoption but I think thats what I am going to do.

Yvonne - my belly is a little puffy but not really noticable under my clothes it doesnt matter anyway because everone at school knows and there is a picture of me and someone wrote nasty things about me getting sent around to everyone at school. Also a picture my so called friend took of my belly she must have sent it to other people :(

Why are people sending pictures of you? I dont understand what you mean sweetie. If you feel like you are being targeted or bullied you need to report this to your school immedietly x

Its called memes its when u can add captions to pics, its embarracing but I will try to up load them and show u.

Probs everyone at school has them now and if i report it im just going to bring more attention to myself

I dont think its letting me upload the pics

[photos removed by MNHQ]

I can see the pictures online but not on the app. What an absolute disgrace those kids should be ashamed of themselves. Please dont let this get to you sweetie :( kids can and will be cruel, are you absolutely sure you wont report them to a teacher? My heart goes out to you Ainsley, keep your head up high x

I came on to tell you about my two adopted kids, in case it helped. But have just seen those photos. They are horrible. You sound a bit as if you think you deserve it or as if there isn't anything that can be done. Look, you made a mistake that millions of teenage girls have been making for centuries. That's all. You don't deserve anything but sympathy and support.

Please do talk to the school nurse tomorrow about adoption, but also about what support there is for you right now to get through the pregnancy. There should be a specialist teenage pregnancy midwife, for example. Please tell her about the bullying images - even if they can't stop them or punish whoever is sending them (and I bet they can) somebody needs to know and support you.

About your options. I can totally understand why you don't want to be pregnant or be a mum. Sounds completely normal and reasonable in your position. I think many girls in your position would think about a termination but I hear you when you say that isn't an option. Assuming it isn't, adoption seems one very reasonable option. My kids, and all the adopted kids I know, are very much wanted and very happy and well loved.

BUT it's a huge decision and you need to know that many women find that having gone through pregnancy they can't give up the baby - which is one reason it doesn't happen often in the UK now. Legally you won't be able to decide finally until the baby is six weeks old, although if you didn't want to care for it it would go to foster parents during this time. It is your choice not your mums. I suppose she could apply to adopt the baby but social workers would have to decide what was best for the child, and I doubt they would think it right to let her do that if you were very clear you wanted the baby to be adopted outside of the family.

Is it possible that you could put off this decision for a while and concentrate on finding someone like a counsellor who can listen to and support you? I think that is much more important than making a final decision about adoption right now.

Very best of luck.

Ainsley I can't advise you about whether or not to have your baby adopted, but you need to talk to your form tutor or head of year, or the school nurse, about the bullying/ meme s. They will be able to help. I used to teach your age group, and worked at a school where a girl your age had a baby and successfully returned to school on a part time timetable. School can't totally prevent gossip of course but they can and should support you and tackle bullying.

I have reported your photos for your own sake so MN can take them down; it's not in your interest to put up pictures of yourself with your full name on them on an unrestricted web site viewed by tens of thousands of people.

I've reported your pictures too - it's just not a good idea to put your photos and full name on here. The mods will probably delete your post but it's not because you've done anything wrong, it's because they want to protect your privacy.

You need to speak to your form tutor or head of year about the pics though - it's bullying of the worse kind. Can you get your mum to help you do that?

Oh I'm sorry you're being bullied, how ridiculous and mean. Hold your head high, I was younger than you when I first had sex and I've turned out alright

Ainsley, your so called friends are being mean and immature.

I hope MNHQ remove your pics to protect your privacy on such a very public forum! not just for today, but if you wish to continue posting with relative anonymity as your pregnancy progresses.

It is up to you what you do with your baby, but you absolutely don't have to decide right now and you may find your mind changes back and forth a few times as you debate your options.

Can I ask why you think adoption is the best option? As a mum of a daughter of a similar age, I wonder if it is because you would rather you didn't have to see the baby each day, and would rather it could be forgotten about?

I would imagine you would never stop thinking of this baby whatever you choose to do, so adoption won't make it go away in that sense.

I would also speak to your parents about why they are so keen to keep the baby. Communication between all of you will help you reach the decision that is best for you.

Finally, you are not a slapper or a slut, you had sex. Some of your friends may be having sex too, but have not had a contraceptive failure/mistake, but they will feel embarrassed about publicly supporting you.

One of my DD's circle of friends had a baby at the same age as you, the baby has just turned 1. The girl is still at school, still has ambition, is not with the baby's dad but they are both in the baby's life. Her parents, the grandparents, were supportive like you. This girl, zi am sure, had some namecalling, but she is now one of the most respected girls at school, respected for how she coped with a tough situation and for being a bright, confident young mum.

Good luck up to you.

Ainsley just wanted to say do not put up with bullying, these people are SMALL-MINDED idiots. Please please remember in a short while you will be on to bigger and better things, with your child or without them. Do not make any decisions now based on what the others at your school say or think, in a very short time they will be out of your life and their stupidity will be infecting their own lives. People who do not respect others do not respect themselves.

Try and find a circle of people, nurse, counsellor, trusted teacher etc who you can talk to in a non judgemental way. If anyone makes you feel bad about this situation tell them that and if they continue to do so, move on (I mean friends/counsellor etc).

Please, please build a bridge with your mum, she loves you, you said you had a good upbringing, she is trying to do the right thing. Sit down with a cup of a tea and chat it through with her one afternoon, just you two. This has made you grow up fast and your mum is catching up fast. Try, with your mum, not to get offended but be open to her, say what upsets or hurts you and ask her what is painful in all this for her. Whether you keep the baby or not you will be a mum one day, and when you are you will maybe see that mums hearts are so easily damaged by their children, we love our kids so very much, and even those who do not continue to care for their kids, continue to love them in some way. So trust that you had a good upbringing and that your mum loves you. IF your mum was toxic and cruel i would not say this! I am going on your own words you had a good upbringing. Please give her a hug, she maybe feels her little girl is not so little now, but you are still her treasured daughter, tell her what is on your heart.

Keep talking to us, you are mature, amazing, and we all wish you the best.

You sound so lost and alone :(

I wonder if your mum can contact the LEA to see if there's somewhere else you can continue your education because it sounds like you're having an awful time at school.

I know you seem set on adoption but you have 30 weeks ahead of you and you have scans, feeling the baby moving and then the point you see your baby for the first time. So keep an open mind as you may well change your mind before the birth.

You seem to have great support at home and I think lots of talking needs to be done. If it's easier write down everything that you are worried or scared about. Show it to your mum.

I was trying to think of something wise to say but I think Italiangreyhound has said it. You are going through an incredibly difficult time and don't let spiteful schoolmates make it worse for you - it is depressing that people still think like they do but it is bullying and your school will have policies in place to tackle that.

You sound very thoughtful and much older than your years, I am sure that you will make a success of life with or without this child. As you are only 10 weeks pregnant though you could well be feeling shocked and confused and - thanks to the cretins who go to your school - ashamed. Please take things slowly and don't be afraid to change your mind, should you wish to, about any decision you have expressed so far. Good luck .

How are you today? I still cant stop thinking about those pictures I hape you have reported them to someone at school? Please dont let your peers influence any desicions you make, If you find it hard to talk to your mum or cant find the words to say then you could maybe think about letting her read this thread? Your mum sounds so supportive and she really wants the best for you but im order for her to help you she needs to know everything that is going on and exactly how your feeling. Pregnancy does strange things to a woman your thoughts and feeling will be all over the place and more so as you also have bullying to deal with. You dont have to do any of this alone. I know at your age high school seems the be all and end all but its really not, you have decisions to make that will still effect your life when high school is a distant memory. 10 years from now you wont remember these bullys and they wont rember you so forget what they have to say and report them to a teacher, you said the dad goes to your school is he part of the bullying? X