Yet another matching question for Adopters

[ChoccyJules]

Would people mind answering a quick question about matching. There seem to be two schools of thought out there waves at internet adoption land and if I'm honest I suppose I am trying to find out if both are true.

When you saw your LO's profile did you get the 'this is the one' feeling?

If not, how did you decide to proceed with the match? (OK that's two questions)

Thank you and I do apologise for going over old ground, if that's what it feels like.

I said to DH that's what I'd like to do but he feels that's unnecessary and that our SW would get annoyed as she already gives the impression she thinks we're giving her the runaround about this Very Important matching lark.

I am having non-cute worries. That I worry would transfer to bonding in real life. DH says he has seen me with babies and I will melt the minute I meet them.

I will melt the minute I meet them. maybe you will maybe you won't.

I was very worried about not liking to look of a child I was matched with and the irony is that I was matched with the worlds tiniest cutest child and still didn't feel anything much!

The biggest effect on bonding in our case was a) my ongoing worries about DS's medical which took a while for me to get my head around b) that he really would rather have been with anyone else apart from me!

How cute he was didn't actually impact on bonding at all, in fact made me feel worse because everyone else raved about how cute he was.

I think it is fair to say that I felt very protective of him quite quickly though.

I agree with Kew - how would you feel if you waited for that perfect cute baby and then you struggle to feel anything for them once you've taken them home?
Would you be able to tell someone about how you were feeling?
You might even grow to resent them a bit, for being so cute and yet you can't love them.

Whereas if you get a baby who is beautiful only at the second glance, only in your eyes - you might feel fiercely protective and find it easier to bond.
(Or it could work out differently, but thing is, there is no way to ensure that you will feel that bond immediately or soon. Sometimes it happens, but often it just needs time to grow.)

I think also that photos can be so deceptive on so many levels. Some kids are photogenic some aren't. Photos are taken in strange contexts. But there isn't a small child I know who isn't beautiful and cute once their personality shines out of their face.

How old are you looking at? Are you able to get a sense of their personality from the CPR? Have you seen the CPR? If you haven't, remember you aren't making a commitment just by asking to see the CPR.

Can you be completely hard headed and go through why this child does or doesn't fit with the profile of a child you initially thought you could parent? It might help to go that way if you're struggling to feel something instant. The thunderbolt absolutely does come, but it's a question of when :)

I think we can set too much stall in photos and DVDs, I liked the pics and DVD of our LO but also worried that I didn't feel that intense pull when I saw them, but then years ago when I gave internet dating a whirl I never looked at a pic of a man and thought that's the one (although some were very lovely!).

I almost think that that instant bond is a bit of a pipe dream in this scenario, and think the reality is that most of us go by sheer gut instinct and leap of faith when cprs don't indicate any reasons not to. And we'd certainly be having an easier time at the moment if LO wasn't so disarming with strangers...

Thank you everyone for your advice. Very levelling, I was going round in circles!

We have gone on the CPR which we don't feel could get a lot better in terms of a match. I am feeling terrified and full of adrenalin, knowing we may now be closer to a match.

Be afraid, be very afraid!

Having wanted nothing more for forever it seems - once I knew I was going to meet DS I was more terrified than I've ever been in my life and decided I really wasn't ready. Then it was delayed and I decided I was ready. Then waiting to meet him in a room in an orphanage a long way away I wondered what the hell I was doing.

Be prepared to go a little insane

That sounds really positive choccy. I agree with Kew, being terrified is the rational reaction. Best of luck

I am a bit like Kristina on the wizened soul front and didn't expect and neither did I have a "the one moment". Our son's profile was the first one I felt drawn to. We were shown a lot of profiles and there were a couple of others we were drawn to but our son just seemed like the right choice for us for "head" reasons. I first felt a wash of feeling when we were told his sw and ff wanted us and then on the second day of intros when we went to his room where he was laying bare bum in the air and he turned and beamed at us!

Yep, terrified is where it's at tonight!

We're early days yet but have agreed to explore a link further (we've seen CPR, photos etc) but this is actually the second child we have seriously considered - the first child was matched with someone else. This child is totally different from the child we had imagined we would end up adopting in terms of gender and age (to a certain extent) but we both had such a strong feeling that this child could be part of our family. Funnily enough, the photos weren't great (as others have said) but that didn't matter...

Also should add there were other boxes that were ticked that probably made us more open to considering the match...

Have you had anything other than CPR to read? We found that foster carer's day in life of report and school/nursery reports told us far more about their character and personality. Agree with above that more a why not response from us both, as very much a gut reaction when inquiring or not about kids.

I have two sets of criteria... If the child fits our "ideal" really really well from the CPR and description, I am happy to proceed with a "no reason not to." If a child's profile is stretching our matching parameters by a good amount, then I need to feel a strong attraction/connection from photo and/or video. It doesn't make sense, but there you go!