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Adoption

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newborn adoption

642 replies

BrightSunshineyDay · 08/06/2014 06:22

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

OP posts:
Fortheloveofralph · 18/06/2014 16:40

Just wanted to add that this horrible situation is not all you own doing. They must have been aware that you were giving concent while at your most vulnerable. You won't be the first mother to change her mind and yet their lack of systems are idiotic.

resipsa · 18/06/2014 16:52

Can one of us go to your SS's office to establish some face-to-face contact on your behalf? You could email some kind of consent for someone to talk on your behalf and same person could hand in a copy of your other withdrawal of consent. I'd go for you. I'm in Manchester/Stockport...

WeAreEternal · 18/06/2014 17:18

I know someone who was in your position, I had direct involvement from part of the way through her experience.

She was early 20's and had been in denial about the pregnancy, she had concealed the pregnancy and lied to everyone about it other than her best friend.
At the hospital she signed the S20 and went home. She had no support, and struggled to cope with her decision, a week late she had an emotional break down and was taken to her GP who diagnosed her as depressed.
She decided she needed to see the baby and it was sorted out within a few days, but she had to find her own way to the contact centre in a village 40 miles and four busses away.
She knew straight away that she had made a mistake but she felt that the foster mother tried to convince her her that she was doing the right thing for the baby and it would have an amazing 'stable' life and she was being very responsible by doing what was best for him.
She told the SW that she wanted her baby back but was practically ignored for over a week because they didn't think she was 'serious'.
Then when she put her food down and told them she wanted to take her baby home they agreed but insisted to jump through hoops such as multiple home visits to check she had a long list of items that she 'needed', the sw insisted on witnessing her tell members of her family and friends that she had a baby, but insisted it should be done one on one at different times, so it took a long time to get through everyone on the SW's list, even though most already knew by then.
she was also told that she had to learn how to change, bath a feed the baby, and show them that she could do it, over and over again.
They also insisted she complete other unnecessary assessments and tasks.

After jumping through their hoops for four weeks she had a meeting with the foster mother and the SW to discuss taking the baby home, but the SW and FM discussed it and agreed that she wasn't ready and the baby should stay with the FM for a little longer, their reason was that they didn't feel she had bonded well enough with the baby yet and they wanted her to continue with the visits for a little longer.
She she had to make the 6 hour round trip by busses every other day for a one hour visit.

After eight weeks they had another appointment, this time the SW's supervisor was present, I was also present as support for the mum.
Again the SW and the FM did all the talking and decided that they didn't think she was ready to take the baby home yet, the FM seemed especially insistent that she thought it would be a mistake for the baby to go home yet.
The mum looked heartbroken and I was worried she would agree, but she had clearly had enough, she turned to the supervised and told him that she had done everything asked of her and she just wanted to take her baby home, she begged him to give her a chance.

Then one of the most shocking things I have ever experienced happened, the supervisor told her that if she felt she was ready it was her choice to take her baby home. He was only there under a voluntary care order (a section 20), at her request, and she was free to take him home whenever she wanted.

It turned out that she could have taken him home on that first day, they had just been stringing her along and lying to her for no reason for two months!

In my profession I have seen a lot, but that was something that will always stay with me, I just couldn't believe they would behave like that.

There was never any explanation as to why they did it, but three years on the mum and her son are doing fantastically and SS had no more contact once she had gone home other than a couple of 'check ups' just to see how they were doing.

It sounds very much like they are trying to do a similar thing to you Bright, please don't let them.
You have every right to change your mind about the voluntary care order and collect your son any time you want.
Of course SS will want to check you are able to take care of him but there is no reason why you can't have you baby home immediately.

Thumbwitch · 18/06/2014 17:43

OMG, WeAre - that is utterly shocking, you're right. :( Poor woman.

Bright - take note, just tell them you've had it with the messing around, you want your baby back, you're cancelling the section 20, write them a letter to that effect, sign it and take it to their office in person (after photocopying it), get someone to sign the copy to say they've received it and stay there until they organise for you to get your baby back. Ask someone else to look after your other children while you do this. It's too late today of course but do it tomorrow straight after the school run.

VisualiseAHorse · 18/06/2014 18:07

Surely they are allowed to tell you where your baby actually is?

Itsfab · 18/06/2014 18:12

OMG WeAre and sadly I am not surprised. I am terrified for Bright and her baby that SS want him as babies are easy to place and it looks good for their numbers. Bright, if you need any physical help from a MNters then I am certain someone would go with you.

ProtegeMoi · 18/06/2014 18:19

Shocked to read this!

You need to be firm with them, tell them you want your son returned now and that consent is withdrawn. They have no right to keep hold of him.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 18/06/2014 18:24

When I was fostering babies the parents were always given my address if it was s20 unless there was a danger associated with them knowing it. They have failed you so much.

maccie · 18/06/2014 18:38

I believe they told bright the name of the foster carer and the village where she lives. At this point I would be going to the police with that information explaining about the consent for the section 20 being withdrawn and asking for their assistance in collecting my child.

MagpieMama · 18/06/2014 18:52

Bright, I don't have any useful advice to give but what's happening to you and your family is awful and really struck a chord with me. I just wanted to add another voice of support and hope that you get your boy back in your arms soon.

itsmethechubbyfunster · 18/06/2014 19:02

It's a long shot Bright but where are you based? If it is hampshire I could contact them, I work for adult services but have contacts in children's and access to the phone systems.

Anotheronesoon · 18/06/2014 19:04

Have been following this thread and it sounds like ss are being utter twats and that you are an amazing woman who has been through so much. Wishing you strength and hope that you have your baby in your arms soon. Be relentless with ss- grind them down until they stop and listen and do the right thing. You have been treated terribly and I am unsurprised but so disappointed with sw.

mumteedum · 18/06/2014 19:11

Op just adding to everyone else's support and hoping that you've made progress this afternoon. Just keep going.

It'll be ok.

AnotherStitchInTime · 18/06/2014 19:31

Hi bright have been following your story, I am so sorry that SS are treating you this way. I used to work in complaints for Children's Services and the best way to get something done IME when dealing with SS other than solicitors is to contact the Director of Children's Services both in writing and their secretary by phone, make sure you write and stipulate that this is a complaint and you will be taking legal action against them if they fail to return your child to you immediately as you withdraw the S20.

I have found this list of contacts for Directors of Children's Services here by council/borough that might help you.

You are so amazingly strong, we are all behind you.

BrightSunshineyDay · 18/06/2014 19:46

Oh my goodness WeAre! Thats horrendous and my nightmare.
I have made some headway but not enough please don't berate me.
I finally managed to speak to someone and told them I want to see my son, have him back with me and that I was seeing a solicitor on friday. Suddenly I got phonecalls returned.

I am seeing ds tomorrow. For an hour. Sad I know its shit but I couldn't bear to push it incase they delayed me seeing him again.

OP posts:
lettertoherms · 18/06/2014 19:50

Bright, I'm wishing you the best. You are such a strong woman and an amazing mum.

HappySunflower · 18/06/2014 19:53

He is not subject to a care order, Bright.
There is absolutely nothing to stop you from legally taking him home with you tomorrow :) In your shoes I think that I would be seriously considering taking a hand written letter informing them that I was withdrawing consent for the section 20 and handing it over as I took him.

Thumbwitch · 18/06/2014 19:53

Oh Bright - no one is berating you! We're pushing you to make stronger moves to help you, to give you the support you need to realise it's ok to do that!

So glad you've finally made some headway - now when you see your DS tomorrow, you just tell them there and then that you are taking him home with you, that you are recanting (or whatever the right word is) on your Section 20 and they cannot stop you. Have the signed letter there with you that says in writing that you have changed your mind and are cancelling the section 20 forthwith.

Thumbwitch · 18/06/2014 19:54

xposts - great minds think alike!

Make sure you have everything with you that you'll need to take him home, Bright - carseat etc.

Thanks and xxx

BrightSunshineyDay · 18/06/2014 19:55

Posted too soon. I need to see him. I was asked what stuff I had prepared and also if I was going to bf. I told them yes but I hope they haven't made it impossible for me to do so. I didn't say the actual words about the section 20 but I repeated again and again that I want him back and I've made a mistake. I'm letting ds down aren't I? I'm so desperate to see him I didn't want to rock the boat.
Im seeinh a sw for 45mins before I see ds. The same sw who spoke to me like dirt and told me this was all my choice. I expressed my concerns about seeing him but was told I had to. Somebody send me strength to stand up for ds and to tell the sw where to go.
But I get to see my boy tomorrow!

OP posts:
Whiteshoes · 18/06/2014 19:58

Oh fantastic! You are well on your way! Brilliant. I'm so relieved.

Given what others have said, I wonder if you couldn't end up taking him home tomorrow if you make it v clear that you're not consenting to the section 20 and you're not taking no for an answer, like weare's friend did?

Great bloody job though. Fantastic!

HappySunflower · 18/06/2014 19:59

Are you taking someone with you to that meeting?
I strongly urge you to consider that. Preferably somebody to can attest to your parenting, and the fact that you have made provision for him.

Thumbwitch · 18/06/2014 20:00

OH Bright, is there someone who can go with you tomorrow to support you? It would be really helpful to you if there is, also so that you have someone who can be a witness if the man starts to bully you.

You are NOT letting your DS down, you have, all along, tried to do the best thing for him, which is all any mother wants for their child. The best thing now is for him to be with you - that is what you now want - and that is what you will tell the SW.

Take the letter withdrawing consent, but if I were you I'd wait until I had DS in my arms before handing it over. And then take him and leave.

Thumbwitch · 18/06/2014 20:01

ha happysunflower, are we brain-sharing or something?! Grin

Spero · 18/06/2014 20:06

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed anything.

It is quite right to say that the only way your child can be taken and kept away from you is by order of the court or by persuading the police to exercise their powers to take a child into police protection.

If your child is accommodated under section 20 you just withdraw your consent, if the LA are not happy with you taking him they will have to get an order but at least that way you get non means and non merits tested public funding to instruct a lawyer.

You might find this post useful

www.childprotectionresource.org.uk/what-does-section-20-mean/