Newbies

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

Hi Meita, Prumarth, potatoaddict

In answer to potatoaddict's question we have had some gentle resistance from my DM. She's just worried about the impact on DD and she's been very clear that she feels she'd have no difficulty loving an AC so I think on the whole it's good to have someone advocating for DD.

OTOH we haven't even mentioned this to PILs and won't until we're approved. MIL is very difficult at the best of times and we want to be positive that this is happening before we deal with the inevitable drama
and fallout...

Can I ask in what way your MIL has shown that she's not keen and what the relationship is usually like?

Also...I know this is about a thread but the conversation about manipulative behaviour on Italian's Daily Mail story thread is freaking me out a bit as a prospective adopter. Anyone else? ,It a worrying me mainly because of DD. Maybe we're not going into this with our eyes open.

Thanks namechange, I have a very good relationship with my MIL but she is struggling with not have any grandchildren, my husbands sisters are not looking at having children any time soon (if ever).

She can not understand why we don't want to keep trying for a baby or IVF (despite the fact she knows IVF made me seriously ill). We've been saying for many years that adoption is something we want to do and initially she seemed happy for us but once we said we had booked the information evening she became distant and then on New Year's Day whilst having a lovely walk by the beech she announces that she does not "feel at peace" with adoption and can't understand why we aren't trying harder to have children! If it hadn't started pouring with rain I may have screamed at her!

I don't want this to become a bigger issue later on so keen to tackle it now.

My DH says it's her secondary biological clock causing problems again!

Hi name!
haven't read everything on this Thread but I know how you feel about the unknown of adopting.
I think your eyes are open. We or rather I was crippled with fear after we were linked worrying about what we were taking on. Had the SW's told us the full story etc.

I would say be very clear about what you can manage and don't be afraid to say no if you don't feel it's not the right match. Your child is out there - I didn't believe that but I do now and he is THE right child for us and was worth the 16 month wait after approval. (He's been with us 6 months and is 2 1/2).

Re PIL tell them after a link is made or you'll just have endless questions and opinions (IMO)!

Thanks for sharing your experience Meita - that's really helpful. And great to get some thoughts on questions to ask and yet more stuff I can google from everyone too - thank you! Have my first open evening on Wednesday (except this LA do it as a 1-to-1 hour and a half session so a bit daunting!). I'd managed my own expectations as I assumed things would move really slowly so am slightly blown away by having an initial phone chat on Friday and now a meeting 5 days later. Let's hope this is a good sign.

Hi everyone I have a quick question about matching. Was anyone matched before being approved and then approved to adopt that particular child? Our sw visited yesterday with a profile of a child she thought we might be interested in. She said they are trying to reduce the time children spend waiting by being open to the possibility of matching before approval.

We must have read over his profile about 50 times since she left, she asked us to get in touch if we want to take it further. We haven't said anything to our sw yet although we are really keen (and excited) I guess we're just a bit taken aback. We're only at the end of stage one and didn't expect to be considering a child yet. I suppose my fear is that we haven't been approved yet, if we got turned down we'd obviously be devastated, but if we got turned down after already having a child in mind that would be a million times worse. So has anyone else experienced this and if so how did it turn out?

Hi 32

I was just coming on here to msg.
So after our magical Christmas eve phone call we had another one today and it looks like we might be matched to our little one! lo is from a different county to us (100's of miles away) so their s wrkers are coming to see us the week after panel!waaaaa

How do you feel 32 ? We're looking at it that they wouldn't put us through to panel and potentially matched if they didn't think it would pass? trying desperately to think this and not stress. x

Inthebeginning congratulations on the potential match, you must be really excited! When is your panel date? I really hope it all goes well for you.

I'm not sure how I feel as I'm trying to not get carried away if that makes sense? Both me and my dp felt an instant connection with this child after reading his profile. We have been shown a few profiles before at prep group but didn't have the same reaction. I think if it was left to me I would have got totally carried away with the idea that this little boy could be our child. Luckily my dp is very level headed and sensible and keeps reminding me that it's early days and the lo's sw may not even consider us suitable.

Welcome 32 and potato. Sorry potato that your mothering in law is not 'at peace' with it. It's early days. She can get comfortable with it over time and maybe she will. It is your decision. You and your hubby.

Meita sadly nothing cooking, we are not even shopping for ingredients, we are in the shop looking at cookery books at this stage!

Name you said I know this is about a thread but the conversation about manipulative behaviour on Italian's Daily Mail story thread is freaking me out a bit as a prospective adopter. Anyone else? VERY sorry. I thought about whether to post but to be honest it is better to discuss these things. I think this is a reason to have a biggish age gap so disruptive behaviour of younger child has less affect on older one. I also think if you read the comments from lots of experienced adopters on there you may feel a bit comforted that better understand of the behaviour and better access to info now could make a real difference. Also the word 'manipulative' is very loaded. We are manipulate, we smile at the shop assistant so they give us better service, and because we are polite etc. The kids who manipulate must be quite a handful but there are reasons and there are helpful stragtegies, not trying to minamalise (and am not yet an adopter so may be talking out of my bum but I think knowing of the possible challenges makes one stronger. (Hopefully!!)

Hugs to all.

Beginning & 32, that's such exciting news for both of you. I know you are both desperately trying to temper your excitement but know that we are all crossing our fingers and toes for you!!

Rose, hope your meeting went well?

By the way, thanks to everyone who mentioned the Sally Donavon book in one of my many previous pleas for help - reading currently and finding it extremely helpful. X

Hi everyone, happy 2014!

New SW came this morning (stayed the WHOLE morning!) to officially start stage two. We have booked in lots more visits from her and got the dates of the two further training days.

She seems very keen to keep within the four months if possible, which I like, and says she'll be booking a date for Panel toward the end of April, as she already knows all the potential dates.

So by next week we need to have completed various charts and the chronology. Plus she gave us the most recent BAAF children thingy (the one with the photos) so we can discuss between us the children we feel we could parent (not necessarily these children, rather have a look at their needs and discuss them).

I'm feeling excited that things are moving again, after a four month stage one and the three week gap over Christmas. I know these timescales are still fabulous compared to the olden days

We had a long chat about concurrency, fostering to adopt and the children our LA tends to have. DH is still willing to consider concurrency; I had kind of ruled it out because of DD (5) and some of the stories I'd read on here. Fostering to adopt is a bit confusing and we aren't sure it would apply to us. The SW was not entirely clear about it herself.

Sorry, am going on and on but am in post-SW haze! Will depart now

fabulous news for you choccy! so pleased things are getting going for you! s.wrker sounds good too? Our s worker did the same with the "be my parents" newspaper. It really helps you to get an idea doesn't it?

We go to panel on the 29th 32 so not too long to wait (it is way to long to wait. It feels like forever! ) woke up this morning and the first thing i thought was "we've got a child! " happiness does not start to describe it.

inthebeginning so happy for you!

No no italian wasn't saying you shouldn't have posted it - it's just playing into all my fears. Might hide it :) I think you're right about knowing what you're getting into though so I won't.

And the very good advice on this thread is to be clear about what you can handle and I think we are so that's OK. ..

Fab news for both Choccy and Inthebeginning - exciting times!

Had a really good initial meeting with the SW today - my LA do a one-one-one meeting instead of an open evening. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would, and really confirmed to me that this is the right time for me to be thinking about doing this. She was really upfront about the issues that we would need to work through, which was actually quite reassuring.

One thing she did mention was that I would need to do an assessment of my "online presence" as part of Stage 1, to check how recognisable I am... Does anyone have experience of this? I use Facebook quite a lot (lots of family and friends abroad) with tight privacy settings, and was wondering if this was something I would need to stop doing at some point. It was the only point in the meeting that totally threw me!!!

Hey, just to add to the comments about the daily[hate]mail article! I've just read a book called Building the bonds of attachment: awakening love in deeply troubled children by Daniel Hughes. The child in the book is modelled on children with troubles like those mentioned in the DM article, it explains the early experiences of the child and why they are as they are and considers a style called theraputic parenting in helping to successfully raise such children. I bought it after reading No Matter What by Sally Donovan and panicking that I would never be able to support a child with such specific needs and maybe I was biting off more than I could chew. I'm now reading anything I can get my hands on and so far the above is the best in helping me feel calmer and that, yes, I can do this. My husband and I have even started practicing the techniques on one another which is very amusing.

oh, things are moving! Yay Inthebeginning, 32, and Choccy. Hope things move along for everyone else as well!

We tried chasing up our LA today. Apparently things were discussed in a team meeting today and were to be discussed at a manager meeting in the afternoon and we were to be informed afterwards, but didn't hear anything. Will call them again tomorrow.

Rose online stuff was briefly touched upon on our first training day but nothing practical said (hoping they will return to this on later days).

We were pointed towards a book, I think it's called bubble-wrapped children but am afraid I found it too dry and not much practical use when I had a look at it (must admit haven't read the whole thing).

DH, in the meantime, stated he wouldn't be altering his online practices for anyone...so I look forward to more input from SW on this in order to look at what we do now and what we need to be aware of.

tea4two4three please share the techniques you and hubby are practising, sounds fun!

rose and Choccy I never heard about all this, online stuff, not in relation to me but only in relation to stuff about the new child. I don't ost pictures of my (birth) daughter on line already so if/when we adopt I won't post pictures of the new child on line. But I had not heard about all the other stuff. Can you say here or message me with what was said, please? Thanks so much.

Thanks Feet.

Yes, thanks, Feet I will look for that book.

We also have strong privacy settings and DD was 2 before I felt brave enough to post pix, knowing only family and friends could see, but you are so right - it's whether others then share on....!

morning everyone, we were told very briefly about not putting photos up if settings weren't good. one of our speakers was saying how she wouldn't let her lo be photo'd at his friends birthday parties as they'd put photos up. I thought this was a bit extreme? but obviously don't know all the background.

Big news in the beginning household as we are finally having a bannister put up that we've known since day one we've needed. Big job to do but our neighbour is helping dh with it. I'm decamping to parents with my marking!

have a good day everyone

SW has sent us lots more forms, including finance, health & safety checklist for the house etc.
She also mentioned June for panel - last week she said April! Will have to see what's going on there.

Meanwhile DH and I need to find some way of looking through Be My Parent and accepting each others' boundaries. He says I shouldn't question him if he says 'no' to certain conditions etc...I don't mean to but I feel he needs to be better informed about some of them before saying no.