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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Newbies

999 replies

Italiangreyhound · 12/09/2012 01:36

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

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namechangesforthehardstuff · 28/11/2013 22:42

Ah yes because now we are looking at adoption that will cure it instantly apparently and 'what will you do when you get pregnant?'

MyFeetAreCold · 28/11/2013 22:55

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Maryz · 28/11/2013 22:55

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Inthebeginning · 28/11/2013 23:20

well stopping fertility treatment, going on holiday, relaxing, not thinking about it,starting to adopt all should have worked for me. People almost seem disappointed! Honestly a woman at work told me a story that I'm pretty certain is made uo. she knew someone who had a surrogate and while surrogate was pregnant she naturally got pregnant with twins! (while looking at me knowingly)nope! not going to happen!

MyFeetAreCold · 28/11/2013 23:28

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Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 29/11/2013 01:23

My favourite is people with three kids, who chose to have three while moaning about having three. I sometimes say whistfully 'I would have liked three!'

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prumarth · 29/11/2013 07:43

I have a cat and just got back off a relaxing week away! Maybe that bit of bulge I'm carrying isn't all the mince pies and wine after all. Hooray, someone call the medical journals, a cure has been found :)

namechangesforthehardstuff · 29/11/2013 11:24

I like it when my friend (who knows I have been trying for number two) comes over with her two and talks wistfully about how she would like three but is her flat too small? Oh she's SO broody. She just can't STOP thinking about it. Angry

So then I killed her with a POAS stick.

Actually she's coming this afternoon

Have I derailed this thread entirely?

Kewcumber · 29/11/2013 15:16

Adoption "cures" infertility. I think we've probably all got that badge one way or another.

People often think that adoption "cures" the pain of infertility and of course it doesn't but you aren't allowed to say that because it sounds like you are saying that you don't love your child as much as you might have loved a birth child. So you can't say it to people who don't understand because you feel disloyal to your child.

I (rarely!) explain to people that when you get divorced, you may go on to marry again, you may be extremely happy with your new husband and all is rosy. That doesn't airbrush out the pain you went through when you divorced which very often changes you and how you react to things. It may (should) gain a degree of perspective with time but that doesn't mean it never happened.

If its helpful to anyone DS is eight today and we've just celebrated our 7th family birthday and there isn't one second of one day when I regret for a minute having him instead of a birth child. I don't regret not having a new born or giving birth instead we have a different story which is ours alone and there is something special to me about that. The wonder of learning to love a child who is a complete stranger to you with no hormones and no "blood" and really very little information up front - it really is a bloody marvel that it all works out in the end! My only regret is that DS has to learn to live with being different in many ways and that I might help him to deal with that along the way is a great privilege.

In years to come you can remind yourself that what you have is worth putting up with any number of dozy comments - its just hard when you can't quite visualise how it might work out for you whilst you're waiting.

Can you tell that it's DS's birthday and I always feel a bit emotional today!? Grin

Maryz · 29/11/2013 18:19

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Lilka · 29/11/2013 18:28

Happy Birthday to your son Kew!!! Cake Cake :)

Time really does fly. The same gorgeous little boy as in your Kaz video??!!

32flavours · 02/12/2013 19:08

It's our first prep group tomorrow. I'm really excited and a little bit nervous. Any adivice to make sure we get the most out of it? I've been doing a lot of reading on attachment and annoying my friend with hundreds of questions, she just so happens be a specialist in attachment disorders (quite handy for me).

Happiestinwellybobs · 02/12/2013 19:45

Good luck 32flavours.

Be prepared to get stuck in with group discussion. Our first day was really tough going. I remember talking with DH about whether everyone would turn up to day 2. Day 1 was all about worst case scenarios and lots on attachment.

I really enjoyed it though. Have fun; don't be afraid to ask questions and be prepared to be quite drained when you get home :)

Inthebeginning · 02/12/2013 20:38

go with it 32 just be open about everything.
We did lots of role play (I love role play!).
Our first day wasn't too bad. day 2 was miserable though!
If you have speakers come in ask questions.

be open minded. there were things at the time that we did this Hmm at but have talked a lot about since.
Let us know how it goes x

32flavours · 02/12/2013 22:00

Thanks for the advice. I hate role plays but I'm determined to just get stuck in and take away as much as possible from the next couple of days. I've heard that it can be quite draining. Unfortunately I have a big presentation coming up at work this week which I only found out about today, so I'm going to have to do work late into the night. Thank god for caffeine!

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2013 23:08

32flavours try not to worry we did not o very much role play, maybe only once! The teachers did role play!

Advice - wear something comfortable, be friendly to the others, one day they may become your support network, enjoy, ours was brilliant.

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Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2013 23:09

Try not to burn the midnight oil too much, the prep group is very important so try not to be too tired for it.

Good luck.

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Maryz · 02/12/2013 23:18

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Meita · 03/12/2013 09:10

Heya,
our prep group started yesterday. No role play though! ;)
It was a little odd, as the LA who is running it, invites people to prep group who are finished with stage 1, whereas the LA we are with, in the same consortium, invites people who are just starting stage 1. But it was fine in the end. I found it quite draining, but upon reflection, mainly due to being stuck in a windowless room without daylight and hardly moving, all day long.

Am a bit annoyed at our LA. They haven't allocated us a SW yet. And therefore no-one can countersign the DBS forms, grrr! Shouldn't everyone be wanting to get those forms sent off as quickly as possible, it takes ages for them to come back anyway?

Our medicals were on Saturday, they went well.

Looking forward to the next prep group session (sort of)… this will be the 'heavy' stuff about abuse, neglect, violence…

Inthebeginning · 03/12/2013 17:45

meita don't worry about your dbs. ours was really quick. glad it went well
32 how did yours go?
Am I the only one who likes role play???Grin

Choccyjules · 03/12/2013 18:25

Inthebeginning yes you are

Had my medical today.

Also got a letter from the LA saying we have breached Stage One (that'll be cos of waiting for the medicals)...gave me quite a jump but it'll be standard procedure now that the speedy timescales are in place. Should be fine once they receive them and find their copy of DH's DBS clearance

Inthebeginning · 03/12/2013 19:24

was thinking of you last night choccy wondering how you were getting on.

How do you feel about the letter? at least you're done now. so will you be heading into stage two?
s.wrker just emailed asking to see all our documentation again. grrrr.
might practice some role play about how I'll hand them over haha!

namechangesforthehardstuff · 03/12/2013 19:49

I love role play and there was nary a whiff of it on our prep course Sad

Choccyjules · 03/12/2013 20:34

DH wants to check how work looks for the next couple of months but I think we are most likely going to head straight into Stage Two :-)

Last night DD (who doesn't know abt this yet) made four reindeer: the daddy, mummy, big sister and little sister....so wanted to tell her but it's too soon!

Meita · 03/12/2013 22:30

choccy, glad to hear you are still around and things are moving forward!
I know it is hard to not talk about things with DC yet. Maybe you could use such 'opportunities' to try to get her to talk instead? Perhaps ask something innocent such as 'how old are big sister and little sister reindeer?' and take it from there, following her lead, listening to what she feels about families and siblings and such. Perhaps gently reinforce the stuff you agree with and question/show alternatives when you don't. It would be about listening to her, rather than telling her stuff, but it might help to increase her awareness of certain things, when you make her make it up for her reindeer. Or such. (sorry I think I'm waffling, just disregard please if it doesn't make any sense)

Inthebeginning, glad to hear the DBS can be quick. With Christmas coming up, I just worry that everything will be delayed. But who knows. At prep group the SW told us that the DBS people have become aware that their timeframes are causing SS delays, and have been speeding things up. Sounds positive (as long as it doesn't mean that they no longer make thorough checks).