Newbies

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi I am a newbie and only just started this journey, officially made the call last week.

Just interested how may other newbies are out there who are still in the early stages. I keep coming across people and recognising names. Anyone want to let on what stage they are at?

Thank you! I'm sure I'll be nipping your heads before long! I've been browsing the forum for a cpl of weeks but didn't want to post till we'd had our first meeting. If were successful this will be our first child (or maybe even first 2) ,so will no doubt need lots of advice along the way. First step starting tomorrow is to try and shift some weight! It didn't come up in the conversation today but I imagine it will in the medical so am gonna start trying to lose some now, think my bmi is somewhere between 43 and 46

Welcome MrsM2509 - lots of lovely people on here to help you through the process, and to listen when you need it :)

Welcome MrsM, it's exciting isn't it? In case you hadn't noticed, there is a weight loss thread here in the adoption section :)

Soooo today we got the forms for the medicals and the DBS. I guess it's official now! I hope we can get most of that done before Christmas, though we will be needing some CR checks from abroad, so it might well go into January.
And next two weeks, prep course …!

We haven't however received any written reply to our formal 'registration of interest'. Is that normal (it's been about 10 working days now)? All we got was a phone call confirming the dates for prep course, then the invitation to prep course (run by a different LA in the consortium), and now the forms.

I am hoping we can start phase two in Feb, and go to panel end May/beginning June. I don't actually believe that things will go this smoothly, but one can hope, no?

How is everyone else doing?
Italian, have you been shown any children's profiles yet?
Rational, have you been talking to foster carers etc?

Thanks meita, no I hadn't seen the weight loss thread, will have a look for it tho!

Yes we have Meita, we met last week. Understandably it was a little bit awkward as our future DD has lived with them for 4 years. We are trying to be very understanding of their upcoming loss and hopefully we have set the foundations for positive introductions. It is likely that the process will be very taxing for all involved, but I know that the outcome will be worth the short-term pain.

MrsM2509 welcome.

Meita we have started looking at profiles. It is quite hard. The hardest bit (for me and DH). I quite liked the home study as I love talking about myself!

MrsM2509 I hope your BMI will not be a problem. I think they just want to make you aware of dangers of being overweight and also to encourage you to lose weight if you are heavier. I can't imagine you are very overweight, you implied your weight gain was relatively recent, so there is time to turn things around and not get into bad habits! My BMI is high and I have gotten into bad habits over a period of about 20 plus years! Certainly healthy changes will help as you need energy to look after kids, they can be exhausting! All the best.

hi everyone, hoping for a bit of....I don't know really! support?advice? just someone to listen to my waffling. I've written this 3 times. We've asked for a child 0-3, our s.wrker has said she wants us to have a child that's about 18 months as she says that she wants us to have a child with no/not many additional needs and if they're too little we won't know if they're meeting their milestones etc. I've been mulling this over for a few days and I feel really sad we won't be having a little baby. I am so angry with myself as I thought I'd dealt with this already in myself. And that age is still so young.....But i'm still feeling sad (and annoyed with myself)

when I say baby I don't just mean ad option because I'd never thought of that. I mean giving birth, tiny baby.

Inthebeginning,
I thing there are two things here.

1. the age your SW is recommending. On the one hand I would be cautious - at 18 months you really won't know much more than at say 12 months. To really know, you'd have to wait for school age. So I wouldn't take what your SW said to mean you can't consider babies younger than 18 months. On the other hand, all this talk about 'ideal' ages and stuff, if you believe the forums, this is all just theory. You will see a profile and the child will seem right, despite not fitting the carefully chosen criteria; or the SW will find herself with a child needing adoption, and will find herself thinking of you, despite earlier having said that this kind of background would be unsuitable for you. Or maybe you will find yourself matched with an 18 months old… there's really no saying, despite the careful deliberations beforehand.

2. Your feelings of sadness, of not having a tiny baby, a baby you gave birth to. First of all, have a - it is ok to feel sad. Don't beat yourself up about it!
   In fact, this is something I read in an adoption book, I think it must have been 'real parents real children': So there is a loss. You have 'dealt' with it. That doesn't mean the loss ceases to exist; nor does it mean you don't still feel sad about it. Having 'dealt' with it, having 'moved on' merely means that it is no longer something that occupies your every waking moment, and no longer makes you feel sad all the time. But the loss is still there, and it is still something sad, something sad that really happened and can't be changed and never will go away.
   This may mean that you have unresolved issues you haven't dealt with yet. Which is something that could be a real problem for bonding with any child placed with you, so it is good to be wary I suppose. But it doesn't HAVE to mean that. It may also mean that every now and then, something reminds you of your loss, and you feel sad and mournful, and then move on and get on with your life and rejoice in the good bits. In the end, only you can tell which one it is. But please don't feel you have to suppress any feelings of sadness related to (not) giving birth, or beat yourself up about them.
   I wish you all the best with this, it can be so hard at times. But in any case I'm sure that acknowledging your feelings, as you have just done, must be a good thing.

Inthebeginning I am very sorry to hear you are feeling so sad about this.

As Meita says In the end, only you can tell which one it is. I would try and do some soul searching and see if this is a blip, which we all go through now and again, or something more. If it is something more I would certainly recommend a session or two of counselling if you can afford to have it. Just to talk through these issues with someone who can help you to move on. Not having a birth child or another birth child (when you want one) is a kind of grief and you need someone who can help you move on if you have not managed to do it yourself.

Personally, I think there are some difference with age 12 months to 18 months. Quiet a few children begin walking and speaking in between these two points, my DD did. So in one sense I do feel 8 months does give you more of a sense of knowing what they can do. However, if you really do want to be consdered for smaller babies why not have a chat to your social worker and say you are willing to take whatever 'risks' a younger child may present? I would also explore concurrent planning if your area or a neighbouring area offers this as an option. It is not for everyone but it may be for you.

www.first4adoption.org.uk/being-an-adoptive-parent/fostering-options/concurrent-planning/

Just to say as well that baby stage doesn't last long. It is lovely but to be honest it is for many not nearly as rewarding as the longer term relationship you develop with your child.

Good luck.

sorry - I do feel 18 months ...

Thanks both. Feeling lots better today. Didn't help that found out that my friend is pregnant. just bought it home to me.
I've already had counselling and it helped a lot, just got to accept that some days I'll feel mopey.
will speak to social worker next week but a definite improvement today!
thanks again x

Glad you are feeling better Inthebeginning. It's always a bit of a double edged sword when friends fall pregnant isn't it. You are happy for them but sad for yourself - always important to acknowledge your feelings and accept them.

Hi Inthebeginning. Sorry to hear you're having a bad time. Isn't this the way though? Ups and downs and 'can I cope with this?' and 'What if?' and everyone else seemingly just getting on with things so easily.

I think Meita has it when she says that just because you've worked it through doesn't mean it'll never hurt. Maybe you need to get to the stage where you're considering real children to know what's reasonable for you to take on? Maybe this doesn't need to be decided right now? Maybe some space will help?

And prumarth it's good to hear that you feel happy for your friends. I am obviously not as nice as you. I mutter imprecations under my breath as I wrap the birthday presents

Hee hee! I'm with you namechange - normally a bit of smiling through gritted teeth. Half my friends seem to just sneeze and fall pregnant!

Yes mine too.

And one of them waited for me to ask her how long it had taken her and, when I didn't, told me that it had been really horrible when she'd had to tell a woman at work who had fertility issues that 'it must literally have been the first night we tried'.

She knew we'd been trying.

I reckon it's just how it looks from outside though. All sorts going on in people's lives that you don't realise is happening. Would I swap my life for hers? I would not.

Yes, I've also had similar conversation with friends who seem to get pregnant even whilst on contraception and practically celibate! It's a favourite, up there with the one about how if we just stop trying, we are bound to fall pregnant. Like my dodgy overies are just waiting for a bit of relaxation to flare into life and solve my infertility where modern medicine has failed! Ah well, they mean well!

Oh I could write a whole bloody thread about this.

The friend who cornered me in the kitchen, gestured at her pregnant tummy and said 'Is this going to be OK? With you I mean. I know you wanted this...' So now I not only have to be OK I have to make it OK for you? Do me a favour. is what I should have said

And how is it OK to continually ask someone 'Are you going to have anymore?'. 'Better get on with it you know, you're not getting any younger'.

Anyway rant over. Ahem. As you were.

Holidays cure infertility too don't forget. People always get pregnant on holiday.