Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

MrsDV, I need some help with hair! dd2 has a very cool afro developing, dark brown with golden highlights. I wash it once a week with a mild shampoo, followed by a silicone-rich conditioner that comes with my hair dye (that is if dd hasn't climbed out of the bath screaming by this point). Each morning I just brush it. Sometimes I spray oil onto it. dp says I'm doing it all wrong - she never brushes it, just does something clever with an afro pick and her fingers (she says one day she'll teach me how to do it, but you have to be very, very careful before allowing a white woman into the inner circle of black hair knowledge ). She likes to keep the curls separate, whereas I rather like the fluffy afro look.

BUT the hair is tangling and I'm worried we might end up having to cut out matted locks (we did this with dd1 - the shame - at 18 months she had a dreadlock mohican, and it wasn't planned that way). What's the best way of keeping very curly hair free of tangles? Comb or brush? Anti-tangle spray or oil spray?

Daisy and Mary, so upsetting to hear about your children being bullied. It is my worst fear

Oh ladies, over on the other thread clarebabes is talking about having her little one home at last. He came yesterday, so you might like to pop over with congrats

Maryz - we have given DS1 so many strategies to deal with the bullies but it has all got too much. School asked me to stay away and let him fight his own battles a year ago and we have. But he is destroyed at the moment and I need to fight for him. He has very fragile self confidence and this is at rock bottom tonight. He has been accused of all sorts that I can't go into on here and now my DH is also being accused of something he just hasn't done. DS1 feels the school management are against him and supporting the bullies but it is a very sensitive issue. We will get through this though. He will come through stronger and he is reassured of our love for him.
Enjoy your lovely evening of peace and send a pint of wine my way, please ...

hester Brushes not really a good idea - sorry mate

I have a tangle teaser and use it to brush the hair out before washing. Sometimes I can get away with a gentle brush inbetween washes if I then put some curl cream in.

Black women generally dont wash hair too often because it strips the oils but mixed hair can usually take being washed at least twice a week.

When they are little I will use a gentle shampoo and then loads of conditioner and comb with a very wide tooth comb. Rinse and let dry naturally. I rake my fingers throught to seperate the curls

You can use oil but I find it can be a bit heavy and attracts dust!

Braiding and plaiting is food for girlies (YES white women can braid haha!) but if the hair is soft it you will have to redo it often so stick to larger braids.

I have found with all the kids that the texture of their hair changes as the get older. The biggest challege is the dryness. There are some good products now (much better than when DD was little).

Its hit and miss to find out what suits. The silcone ones coat the hair and I didnt find them helpful.

I dont like anti tangle spray. I think it makes the hair sticky which makes it worse the next day.

To get rid of the tangles I would comb out gently and then put a bit of hair dress/cream to bring the curls back. 'Just for Me' are a good brand and have been around for years. Try a little bit at first till you work out how much the texture of her hair needs.

Remind DP that if she wants to keep her secrets she will be the one stuck with all the combing and braiding and straigtening (cos DD WILL want that one day sadly) and those 6 hour trips to the hair salon when she is older. That might nudge her into sharing her tricks

I know what you mean about the fluffy afro

I've been doing it all wrong, then

Yes, I might have to get tough with dp. Next time she tells me I am not yet within the circle of trust I will have to remind her that I am, nonetheless, the white mother of her black child. Oh, and that yes, I do know what ashy knees are and what to do about them

Seriously, thanks for the tips. I will start a new haircare regime for dd2 this weekend. She insists I do her hair. After I've finished dd1 she always comes up, brandishing the hairbrush, saying "Ow, ow" hopefully (she knows that ow is what you say when Mum is brushing your hair).

She also tells me when she's filled her nappy, then fetches her changing mat and lies on it, legs apart, holding her ankles

Sorry, I am a baby bore, aren't I.

How can babies EVER be boring! The very idea

I am one of those mad women who cannot pass a baby without making weird noises at them.

I see them all day at work then come home to them, then talk about them on MN.

Sigh no more babies for me though

TBH I am RUBBISH with european hair now. If I ever have to sort out a little girl with hair like mine was I find it all slippy and hard to get a straight parting!

No more babies for me, either. I'd have to go to Italy, and feature in the Daily Mail.

No baby here either :( I think i've mostly accepted it now, but it's been hard to get over, and for the first time, I felt upset and jealous when my friend got pregnant

But I do want to make noises at every baby I see, and pick them up, and put my finger it their hand :)

I shouldnt be greedy after 5. I cant help it though. Thats why I got OH 'fixed' othewise I would be thinking 'one more would be ok wouldnt it?' and all my friends would be saying YEAH go for it and so would most of MN.

And it wouldnt be a ok! [convinces self]

hester that made me laugh. The Daily Mail would bloody love THAT story

Hi all, just popping in to down an espresso in one before heading out.

My phone died in the downpour and I am bereft. So is adopted dd, as I hadn't backed up the photos of our brief trip to France at half term. Harsh lesson learned here.

Hope you're all OK, agree bullying is one of my worst fears for both daughters

My 'european' hair is rather curly - and coarse - and dry - and if I plait a bit of it I don't need to put anything on the end, it simply stays plaited... I have recently come across the 'Naked' range of haircare stuff (Boots) which seem to really suit it - don't know whether they'd be any good for mixed-race hair - but they're silicone-free I think and I believe that's meant to be good for curly hair.

Daisy - I hope you get the bullying sorted out.

I'm bearing breakfast from the other tearoom - we've moved to Ireland for a visit, so apparently we've got sausages, bacon, eggs, fried soda bread, black and white pudding and possibly beans, tomatoes and mushrooms. And of course - whether its filled with tea or guiness is up to you.

dear medium please dont be although the rest of me tans easily my legs are the last to go so stay pasty for ages and I get very red knees . So you can have a good chuckle at my chubby sunburnt knees if you ever see me on holiday in shorts. Not that thats likely this body hasn't been anywhere near a bikini since 1992!

Ooh, I do love a bit of soda bread. I do agree that long and plaited is the way to go with little girls' hair - it's way less hassle and fewer tangles than anything else - but it does take so long to grow. dd2 will have to have a fro as big as a birthing ball (which will of course look very adorable, but can you imagine the upkeep).

dd1 had a special infants assembly today - they put on a song and dance show for all the parents. dd had to do ballet, and spent last night in tears because, I quote: "The ballet dance is pants; I want to do Riverdance". I tried persuading her that (a) ballet is lovely (and she does do ballet classes), (b) Riverdance is a numpty dance, and (c) this is just a life lesson she will have to swallow, that when I was at school it was always a little blonde girl called Melanie who got the best parts and I haven't forgiven her yet.

Went along this morning and I was soon in tears of laughter. Is there anything nicer to watch than a gang of 4 and 5 year olds doing rapping, break dancing and African singing? But I saw dd's point: the ballet dance really was pants, and the Riverdance was absolutely fantastic. None of them could do proper Irish dancing, but blimey they really gave it some welly.

Can't wait for dd2 to be able to do this stuff: she is already a really cool mover and just LOVES to dance. Could my children be any more determined to live and breathe their stereotypes? dd1 - Jewish and Irish heritage - is bookish, sensitive, complicated, slightly physically unco-ordinated. dd2 - jamaican heritage - loves to sing, dance, do headrolls, do chin-ups on the swing frame, and biff people who annoy her. It would be SO cool if they could swap over - I'd love a Jewish athlete and a Jamaican bookworm - but I don't think it's going to happen

sounds like a fab show, hester.

DD's classs is doing the paso doble at her school show (or pasta doble as she used to call it!). I am so glad that she doesn't have my genes as she is a good dancer and sporty whereas I am ... well, not.

Idea: let's have a Bragging session in the tearoom about our fantastic children - adopted and/or bio.

Children of the tearoom were, yesterday, being supervised on bonfire construction, design and lighting by Mellors with the able assistance of Fine Lad who is a bit too grown up now to really need Mellors in charge of him. If they wish they can go to school but much prefer learning about more useful things in the garden, Riding Earl Grey or going in the dog cart with lady Grey or even curling up quietly with a book in a corner of the tearoom. Its amazing what baggage you have to pack up when you move the tearoom now - we need several horseboxes and one of them has to be specially reinforced to cater for the bison.

Afternoon all! School not really sorted but am willing to see how next week goes and have printed off loads of paperwork about Attachment to pass to the Head as, apparently, she was completely unaware of DS1's difficulties in that area (she was deputy Head at the time we had meetings with the school and social worker to try to get some understanding on this the first time round - how she could not be aware is beyond me but I will take it at face value and pass some weekend reading on to her so she can acquaint herself)
I see we are onto bragging now, which of course I have an "A" grade qualification at when it comes to my DS's!
DS1 - blonde haired, blue eyed handsome little chap with a grin to die for and the voice of an angel. He was awarded Chorister of the Year at his choir last week donchya know!!! Academically gifted and a hard worker....
DS2 - dark brown hair and huge puppy brown eyes - destined to be a heartbreaker! Swam his 1000m 6 weeks ago aged 8. Another child genius (you can tell we are not blood related), he has a sunshine character and is always smiling!
The boys are full siblings and have never been apart (in FC together), there is some rivallry but woe betide anyone who tries to come between them!
Hope my descriptions were not too full on and I don't get into trouble!

Not too full on, Daisy, the tearoom is celebrating our kids this weekend - might have a whinge-fest about them at a later date .

Mary - you're not redundant! Those wonderful qualities in your DCs needed nurturing by you and, no doubt, DS1 will come good in the end.

Mistle - will we be able to dump our children in your tearoom let our kids be engaged in such thrilling activities by Mellors and Fine Lad during the hols?

I could go on about how clever and pretty and funny the dds are (and I intend to, ad nauseam) but most of all I'm proud of how well they've weathered the changes of the last year.

dd1 moved house, moved neighbourhood, started school and had to learn to share her parents with a sister, all within 4 months.

dd2 was removed from the only mother she's ever known, and sent off to live with a load of people she'd never met.

And they have been FANSTASTIC, really sunny and resilient and generous-spirited. They do far less mithering than their mothers, who grumble constantly about how tired/stressed we are.

I am so proud of the pair of them.