Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

no muffins for methanks - I'm having the munchies and have eaten like a pig all day - even just ate two (empty) ice cream cones (waffle kind) due to lack of biscuits in the house...

I'm going to bed to save myself from the chocolate in the cupboard which is singing something I can;t quite make out but it sounds suspiciously like my name.

Welcome westernway - what a lovely post . I'll have a muffin thanks.

lettinggo could be because Asian ( I generalise) people often use suncream to stop their skin from getting too dark rather than burning. In countries like India and Pakistan "fair is beautiful" and newpapers full of columns advertising for arranged marriage partners describe their offspring as "fair skinned," "wheat complexion" etc ( I do like peanut butter though!) It's a sad reflection of many things not least I think the history of this part of the world. It is however possible for their skin to burn but in our experience it would take extreme conditions - husband (Indian) has had burnt and peeled nose - girls (Indian) never have but have used suncream when conditions extreme - rarely in this country though.
Agree about Vit D def Kew. Read article recently which siad it was on increase in white pop too!

Last time I went on holiday to somewhere hot with dp, she burned and I didn't. Because I wore sunscreen and she, being black, didn't.

But yes on the Vit K question. Don't they say 15 minute exposure a day is good? I can never be organised enough to time exposure, but I don't go overboard with the suncream either. I tend to only put suncream on dd1 when she will be exposed to strong sun, not every day, and I concentrate on the bits that burn easily. I also put more suncream on dd1 than dd2.

Another reason for not overdoing the suncream is that it does seem to irritate eczema.

for most white people 20 mins a day from April to Spet WITH ARMS and FACE uncovered is enough for the year as Vit D is stored in fat (ie not water solubale and tehreofre washed away). Butmore if you are darker skinned.

Bizarrely (as I am of similar milk hue to hester) I have a tendancy to vit D deficiancy so suppliment in the winter.

I agree about the mixed up-ness of past generations - I understand from dh that there is an interesting addition to the 'european' mix somewhere back in the family history. Somewhat ironic then that he is the one with the tendency towards redish highlights and burns very easily. Luckily DS is more akin to me and tans happily through factor 50 - although we do try not to use if its not burning weather.

but the dna mix isn't really the point in practice is it? Its peoples perceptions. That you are "black" if you have one black parent and one white, that balck people dance well and are good at running, that chinese people and indians are studious and hard working etc etc.

Colour and facial haracteristics which are identifiably differnt from white Eruopean come with value judgement attached and those of us with childrne who are in this categories do need to do a certain amount of preparation/role playing to help our children deal with this.

I am about as british as I can find - did a family tree and research led me deeper and deeper into Wales on one side and northern England on the other side so its quite likely (given appearance too) that we are predominantly celtic with a bit of Viking thrown in for height.

Just about the last person who should be preparing her centrla asian son for posisble racism!

Its very difficult isn't it. I'm lucky in that Ds goes to a school with a very wide ethnic mix, and all hues within it. I'm hoping he'll grow up to effectively be colour blind and interract with people on the basis of the character rather than their skin colour.

But that doesn't get over the sexual discrimination aspect - based upon the views I saw in another thread recently, he'll still be expected to be the main bread winner, and will get funny looks if he is the main carer for his children, or even, shock horror, decides to go into a profession that deals with younger children.

Can i join in again ? Have brought and for a post run boost.(no muffins left you gannets scoffed the lot last night [shocked].
On reading about the skin tone issue this is the one thing that my DH has always wondered about what nationality my birth parents were as my skin tone is darker than the usual pasty white brit and I tan very easily. I also have very dark brown hair (although now dyed a hint of red to hide the ever increasing grey bits. He has always joked that I am of Italian descent. Added to that my name is of italian / spanish origin and was not changed by my parents when they adopted me but I do know that I was born in Britian. The funny thing is despite the fact I tan easily I hate sunbathing, an awful waste of time imho . I am going to get of this now I will try not to post any more random mutterings today. Bye all thanks for the cuppa, may catch up later for a glass of

Just remembered that NanaNina asked about post adoption support. As our DD was an Inter-Country Adoption pre-Hague, we weren't required to have any contact with SS once we brought DD home at the end of November. However, after Christmas I took the time to write to them to tell them our adoption had been completed (first contact with them in over 18 months). Instead of a letter of congratulations, thanks for letting us know, we got a snotty reply from the SW manager saying that we should have let them know sooner .

When DD was about 20months old she and I went through a difficult period of her being very difficult and me being wonderful clueless about how to deal with her. I was chatting to another mum about it and she said "why don't you call the Health Visitor and have a chat about it?" My very first thought was "NO! She'll contact SS and they'll take DD away!". Obviously this was irrational but illustrates how little trust many adoptors have in their social workers because of the way they have been treated during the homestudy process .

In the event, I did call the nice, motherly HV who came round and reassured me that DD was acting normally and I was doing fine.

I was in Waitrose (naturally) the other day and there were a couple of ladies there to promote Sure Start. I had a chat with them and they said they had set up a group for adoptors as they realised that adoptors can have specific issues and might need support from their peers and professionals. I think Sure Start only cover up to age 5 (?) but it's nice to know that someone is thinking of us!

I have to say our After Adoption support is fantastic but I realise we are very lucky.
I am having a not so positive day today so have nipped in here for a cuppa and a piece of cake to cheer me up. Only 5 weeks left of primary school for DS1 and it can't come soon enough (it is a long and convoluted story the bullies have done their best to reduce him to a quivering wreck, yet none of the staff appear to be aware of any problems ). Hoping DS2 will get a place in the alternative primary school we are interested in for his last 2 years, but nothing for the moment.
Nice plants you have organised Pretty it is beginning to look much homelier!

a friend of mine married a man whose views were quite racist, interestingly he always tanned very easily . Sure enough, at his great Aunt's funeral it came out that g.g.father had been Ethiopean .

another friend (white) has a birth son who's father (not on the scene) is Bengali - logically they should talk about taking children like that away and placing them with racially appropriate mothers

DDD, that sounds just awful. Your poor ds.

I have a colleague who adopted 17 years ago, in this country. Child placed with her at 6 weeks. They got approved and matched on the same day, then went to the pub for an hour, then got taken to meet fc and took the baby home THAT NIGHT

Things have really changed!

Our DS was seen as an exact racial match with me and OH. This was written in the notes and based on the fact he was from OH's family.

OH is Guyanese but born in UK
I am white/UK

DS is Guyanese/welsh/unidentified afro carribean/UK

So not quite an exact match

He looks very much like his brothers and sister because the genes in OH's family are very strong. But his ethnic background is not the same.

Sorry to hear your DS is being bullied, Daisy, and shame on the teachers for not taking action.

Would you be able to let DS play truant have a few days off here and there before he breaks up?

It just gets worse at the moment - ineffective school management and bullies allowed to do as they please with no consequences. Going back in to school tomorrow - I will NOT let this lie. Having spoken to After Adoption SW this afternoon she has sorted me out with how best to proceed....
Thought about the day off but it sends all the wrong messages - DS1 has done nothing wrong.... I will stand by his side and his dad and I will resolve this...

I'm sorry about these bullies Daisy - I hope it gets sorted ASAP. Schools might have anti-bullying policies but some are appallingly bad at following them :(

NanaNina - My post-adoption support from my own LA has been mostly great. A couple of innefective individuals, but nearly all the SW's have been fantastic about getting things done for the kids. It wasn't so good with the placing LA's for all the kids. DD1's covered up some of her issues, and didn't really offer any support. DD2's placing LA were carefully guarding the funding as it were, so they wouldn't even think about anything that cost a lot of money. Thankfully once my own LA took over they quickly got things moving, and CAMHS are good here as well. The only problem is limited places for some therapy - DD2 has to wait for an available place for art therapy, but it shouldn't be long now

hester - they were approved and took a baby home the same day I think the intros with DD1 were too short, but otherwise I waited a while between approval and matching, and went through a similar basic process to what you would get now. This was 14 years ago

Darked skinned people can get burnt but it takes a lot longer.

But all children have delicate skin and it should be protected. e.g. a black uk born baby would still needed to be protected from the sun because they are a baby IYSWIM.

I have to say though I am glad I dont have to be as careful as some of my friends with sunscreen. It must be hard work and worrying if your child is very pale (like me!). At least I have a bit of leeway with my brown babies

I dont claim to be an expert but I have 5 mixed race children ranging from 1 - (would be) 19 so have lots of experience with hair and skin. So if I can help with any questions I will do my best.

All my kids have different hair. Just when I think I have the hang of it another one pops up with and I have to learn all over a gain. DC5 seems to be winning the curliest hair competition atm. Although he has a long way to go to beat his big sis in the MOST hair competition

DDD so sorry about your DS. How dreadful I really hope you can get the school to take this seriously

Pop into the tearoom tomorrow, Daisy, and let us know how you get on at the school.

Daisy, that is just awful that the school is not acting on the bullying. Is there an anti-bullying policy in the school? What are the procedures in place to deal with bullying?

I teach in an Irish school and all schools are obliged to have an anti-bullying policy, a copy of which parents are entitled to have. It states how complaints of bullying will be dealt with. If parents feel the school is not effectively dealing with a complaint, they can go to the Board of Management and have the complaints investigated. And if they are still not satisfied, they can go to the Department of Education. I'm sure there must be a similar structure in the UK.

The poor little fella, school is hard enough without something as huge as this.

I break the cardinal rule of MN and let my boys's hair grow long!

DS1 & 2 have dreads now so all is cool. Just have to tidy DS2's up, DS2 is wavy for now (DD was like that till about 5 and suddenly her hair went WHOOOOOSH!) and is currently sporting a 70s footballer style! Now DS4 looks like he will be twisted or dreaded pretty early because I wont be able to cut it short. I just caaaaaaaaant. Afros are much harder work than dreads.