Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

Hide the cake and biscuits - Pretty is on a diet!

Hello Geek

It bugs us adoptive parents, too. Don't get me started on the papers always pointing out who are the adoptive children and who are the birth children of Brangelina and TomKat

It's weird, but as an adoptee I've never come across it apart from once. My mum's dad disowned my sister and I during a row with my mum, based on the fact we weren't 'really' his grandchildren. No skin off my nose tbh as by all accounts he was an arse anyway. Aside from that no one has ever said anything. There was a thread elsewhere and it kind of got to me that people saw it as acceptable to just drop a child because he wasn't the father's biological child, despite raising him for most of his childhood.
I find it a bit sad that people still think like that :(

decent people don;t really think like that Geek and in fact those who do fel like that have never been attached to a child who is not genetically related to them so they just can't imagine feeling the same way about a non-birth child as a birth child. Its a failure of imagination as much as anything I think. It doesn't generally bother me - as I've said on another thread I know how I feel about DS, how another person might feel about him if they were in the same situation just sn;t really that relevant or even very well informed.

But teh "adopted children" thing does my head right in. Obituary "he was survived by two sons, a daughter and an adopted daughter"

I have told my family if DS is ever described as my "adopted" son that I will either a) haunt them or b) start calling their children "vaginally delivered daughter/son" (obviously depending on whether I am alive or dead...

Hellooooo everybody! How is everyone?
Just had to say Kew I nearly spat my OJ over the computer screen when I read the "vaginally delivered daughter/son" - hilarious!
Waiting to hear how DS1 got on at school today..... hoping he had a good day. We got him a mobile phone at the weekend ~ might as well have been the crown jewels as far as he is concerned, he was so thrillled! The phone only makes calls and texts - really cheap (less than a fiver!) - but he is delighted!
As I am typing I have heard DS1 has had a good day (thank goodness).
Maybe we are on for a better week! Hoping so....

Love it Kew.
I'm feeling much more agreeable today. Enjoyed the tennis last night once Murray got going.
Hope everyone is having a good day

Thanks mistle, is the One and Only tearoom still in Ireland?

Question: do you always tell your (adopted) DC the truth>

Background: DD is 6 and a half and still very much a little girl. She asked me yesterday if I believed in fairies (she's reading some books about them). So I said yes and DD said that some people don't (in the books). She said she was going to leave some chocolate on her windowsill and if it was gone in the morning she would know that mummy the fairies had taken it.

This got me thinking about some posts on Rumor Queen (American ICA website) where the blogger has argued that we should always tell our (adopted) DC the truth because if we "lie" to them about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy then they can never really trust us later on when they ask about their background and birth parents. She argued the point better than I have just put it but you get the gist.

I don't know how I feel about this. DD absolutely loves the magic of Christmas and tracking Santa and I would hate to spoil that for her. However, I can remember how gutted I was when I found out there was no such thing as Father Xmas when I was about 22 and don't want to lose DD's trust so that she doesn't know what to believe when we come to discuss her first year of life.

(MP - have you discovered the joys of non-callory chocolate brownies in the tearoom yet?)

You do, probably, have an added dimension to the issue about the tooth fairy, father Christmas etc. I wonder whether you might be able to justify it on the basis of believing in the importance of traditional tales and stories which help to colour the way we view the world to some extent - and help to give us family traditions - or other cultural ties?

That's a very interesting question, MP. It hadn't occurred to me, I must admit.

My instinctive reaction is that the unvarnished truth is very hard for small children to handle, and that myths are our way of beginning to introduce them to bigger truths. Generally, i tend to tell my children the truth, and just lately have been thinking with dd1 that I have overdone it somewhat in that I have talked to her about burglary, war and housefires and she is now very anxious about those things. Maybe I should have told little white lies a little longer

Do we really think our parents 'lied' to us when we find out that fairies don't exist? Don't we also have a duty to give our adopted children a feeling of safety, and interpreting the world to them in a way that doesn't make them feel unsettled and insecure? And yet yes, we have to be ultra-careful to ensure they trust us as a source of truth.

I don't know the answer. Will be very interested to see responses from those with older children and more experience.

Interesting question

I have had different approaches with my two younger children. DD1 never believed in santa or the easter bunny because they simply didn't exist for her. And by the time we found each other she was 10, so too old for tooth fairy or any other fairies. So I never had to think about any of that, I concentrated on finding some family traditions we could have instead

DD2..I have always been very honest with her, but that's not because of any belief I have in general, it's about her personally. She did actually believe in fairies when she came, but not in a good way, they scared her a bit. So when it came up I just explained gently that they didn't exist. Her FC's had been big on santa and christmas...but santa scared her as well. After all she had been through, the idea of some strange man creeping around the house at night was very frightening and upsetting :( To be honest, she was 8, and that's generally the point a lot of kids work it out, but being emotionally and developmentally behind, she hadn't got there yet. So I was again, reassuring her that santa didn't exist, and it was me

For DS, he has the lot! Santa, tooth fairy, easter bunnies, and aliens as well. I find it very magical setting it all up, and he delights in it. Especially leaving the mince pies out. He almost forgot this christmas! I reminded him that santa needed food after the hard work of delivering presents, and would be sad if there wasn't any food left out for her

I don't actually agree with the idea we have to be honest about Santa etc. Every child is different, and they will need a different approach. The only adoption issue off the top of my head I think is 'one size fits all' is tell them they are adopted as young as possible. Everything else, you've got to use your best judgement as the parent. I think the belief in magic is different from being misled about your own past and background, and I don't generally think that that will damage their trust in you. What about children who have missed quite a bit of a normal happy childhood? They need to fill in developmental gaps, and part of that I think is trying to develop their imagination and sense of 'things can be fun'. I think Santa is a good thing for many of them. On the other hand there are children who do not trust easy and may need complete honesty. Or children with attachment issues may need their parents to provide all their necessities (food e.g chocolate coins, often in stockings) and nice presents as well. Kids like DD2, who need a secure home, which they feel very safe in (as in, no strangers coming in in the middle of the night!) I think magic is a normal fun part of childhood, and I think as I said before it can be quite important for development, developing the imagination etc. Also, as an afterthought, if they were the only one in their class who knew santa wasn't real - that would be one more thing that would make them different from their friends, when they probably want to fit in

Hope that makes sense :)

wonderful thoughtful post lilka

I'm going to find your thread now, Maryz..

Nope, can't find your thread.

Issy! Mwah Mwah! How's things?

I'm totally inconsistent with DS about all things mythical. He understands that fairies and dragons and monsters and ghosts and stuff like that aren;t real mostly because he was scred of them when young so I explained then that they are just made up to make stories more interesting. He is very happy with that and relaly enjoys a good scary witch story so I guess that worked. He is asking whether the tooth fairy is real as he is a bit confused about childrne getting money from the tooth fairy when fairies aren't real (no teeth fallen out yet so not relevant) and I have said that it might be better to go along with that story just in case its real, because if the fairy is real she might get offended and not leave him any money. He has told me that he thinks mummies and daddies leave the money so I said we'd see what happened with his teeth.

father Christmas on the otherhand we buy into wholeheartedly. I can't bring myself to not give him what I had as a child - that magical sense of something very special at xmas. Will worry about how he finds out the truth and how I handle that later

Like Mary I also never lie. Though luckily we have seen one or two very convincing Father Christmases so I haven;t really had to. Mind you Daniel can always spot the ones "pretending to be Father Christmas for fun"

Evening ladies. Finding it hard to be lighthearted tonight because I got made redundant today . The whole organisation is going. I'm having a minor freakout about how I'm going to keep my children housed and fed, but I suppose I'll find a way.

Hester - I'm so sorry :(

Thanks, Lilka x

sorry hester,what a bummer. You did mention it when we met,didnt realise it would be so soon.give you my first huuuuuuug.

I will get a bit of redundancy pay, enough to tide me over till perhaps Christmas I'm hoping.

Thanks for the sugar blitz, Mary; the diet is OFF.

And hifi, the hug is well appreciated. I feel like hunting down a Tory Minister, any Tory Minister (but especially Francis Maude) and giving them a good slap.

oh much sympathy Hester - I've been made redundant twice and even f you are expecting it, its pants.

It will sink in, the shock will lesson and you will get by.