Accompanying your adult child to GP appointment

[TheBlueRobin]

Visited my ILs last week. My MIL is pleasant but can be overbearing, very involved in her daughter's life, and very black and white.

My DH has a younger sister, age 24, who is living back home for a bit to save money after her Masters finished. She's lived independently in another city 150 miles away for 4+ years.

MIL told us that SIL had been poorly with a virus, potentially an ear infection. Booked a doctors appointment locally, MIL told us what she said to the doctor and their conversation (including calling the doctor a quack for not examining her), and it sounds like SIL was sat in silence. SIL was out at the time so didn't get her version of events.

Coming away I was gobsmacked that a parent would accompany an adult child to the GP. She's 24! There's no reason why she can't advocate for herself.

I do understand parents being worried, SIL does have asthma and allergies that have affected her over the years.

I've been with my adult DC for a series of appointments recently. Initially to support her to advocate for herself as she wasn't sure if she was being brushed off. Turns out she did in fact have a tumour in her head (fortunately benign) so she's asked me to attend all her appointments for the time being.

I'd tell her to get lost if it was just a GP appointment for a cold though. In fact I'd probably tell her to woman-up and take some lemsip and a couple of early nights. Did your sil get antibiotics?

I have attended gp appointments with my adult child and with my dm. If the medical professional finds it acceptable to have another person with the patient then it’s not an issue, is it?

I've seen plenty of adults taking a spouse or partner to a GP appointment, so I don't see what's wrong with a young adult taking a parent with them. Assuming that they want the parent there, rather than the parent being overbearing.

Some people like to do nice things for those they love. Some people enjoy feeling supported by those they love. It's not that hard to understand, even if it's not for you.

I have a hospital referral pending. My mum just asked me if I'd like her to go with me, and we're 56/81yo.

If my 23yo DS was nervous about a medical appointment, which he would be because he doesn't enjoy people, I'd be more than happy to go if he wanted me to.

We're all more than capable of going on our own but happy to find time for loved ones if they'd like us to.

As long as SIL is happy with it, it’s fine.
sometimes another pair of ears and advocate is helpful

I've done it with adult son when he asked me.
Recently my DH has had a lot of medical appointments and I've been with him to all of them because he wanted me there. I'm more assertive than he is and it's useful for remembering what was said.
I have multiple health conditions and generally prefer to go alone. One exception was when I had breast cancer and I took DH to one appointment.

I don’t know why you’re so shocked. Some people like the support of their parents, and parents care about their children.

In the past, I would have said it is weird for any adult to have someone go with them (carers/mobility etc aside).
But now, we all know the term medical misogyny. We have had people get seriously ill or die because they don't follow up on things. We know how often appointments are cancelled with no notice, and when you politely speak up, you get nasty letters accusing you of being rude-when they're the ones who made a mistake.
So nearly everyone I know would take someone with them now, at least in certain cases. A qualified nurse was belitted by her GP recently, and he refused to run the tests she needed. She now takes her husband to every appointment.

So I don't blame her for going (but saying quack is rude).

No not weird at all. Mine are hit and miss whether they want me depending on how complex, poorly, stressful etc

I've been with my daughter at her request, when she felt like she needed someone to advocate for her. I'm far less likely to be fobbed off than she is.

I would go with my adult dd if she wanted me to. She probably wouldn't ask, but she might if she was anxious or something. Not sure why it would bother anyone else?

I have had to go to a lot of appointments recently with my 23 year old as she needed support and was completely overwhelmed by a recent diagnosis. Eventually she will take over her own healthcare, but sometimes she just can't face the endless calls and appointments on her own.

Now, if she just had a virus...... Completely different.

This.

OR I’ve also seen some adults that just can’t do things like that alone and if the parent doesn’t coordinate this they just wont go.

I've been to them with my adult kids (at their request). My DD has been with me to appointments (at my request). If it doesn't involve you, I'd stay out of it. 😉

You were ‘gobsmacked’? Really? How odd.

Sometimes, some adults, do things with each other through choice. It’s that simple.

I think fair enough if the adult has additional needs (hearing problems, learning disabilities etc) or it’s potentially serious condition, or maybe an ED visit where they’re in a lot of pain and/or need help in getting there…fair enough.

but for someone with no particular needs and for an ear infection….id find that odd.

Are you suggesting that your MiL is controlling her daughters access to medical care, or intruding on her privacy against her will? Has SiL indicated this is the case? Is your husband concerned for his sister?

It’s fine to have another adult with you if you want them there. I wouldn’t normally but when I was really unwell at the beginning of the year dh came in with me because a. I couldn’t drive myself b. I needed help walking even and c. There were potentially sinister things it could have been according to dr Google (my advice is don’t google your symptoms!) thankfully it was fairly self limiting and an apparently common thing, but is likely to reoccur alas

The crux here is if your SIL wanted her mum to go with her or whether she was pressured into it.

My adult DD has had quite a few medical issues over recent years and asks me to go with her … two people listening to a medic makes more sense.

We left one appt … I felt on a high at what we’d been told … and was amazed that DD felt deflated. After talking it through in the car park she understood where I was coming from!

No need to be gobsmacked OP. Maybe SIL was feeling really shitty and appreciated someone coming along with her. Who knows, none of your business though.

It baffles me too, OP, but some people are happy to have their parents overly-involved in their lives. I suppose the real concern would be if mother had muscled in when the daughter didn't want her there. If this enmeshed relationship suits them both, then I guess you have to leave them to it.

It comes down to whether SIL actively asked her to go or MIL took it upon herself to go and didnt give SIL any choice in the matter.

I would go with my kids if they asked me but not otherwise. From when they were about 14 onwards I would ask if they wanted to me to go in with them, usually the answer was yes but I asked first.

Yes and there are circumstances there where having that support matters. I was admitted into hospital when I had glandular fever and have never been in so much pain in my life, glad my Mum was there to drive and get me things. Similarly I accompanied my Mum to her cancer appointments to help her digest the information after.

I do think MIL can be controlling. She will open her daughter's post, order for her in restaurants (again, there are allergy concerns).

The wildest one was where she threatened to hide her passport so she wouldn't have ID to go to this big rave SIL's boyfriend was going to. The idea of threatening that to your adult child in their 20s, when SIL wouldn't have wanted to go anyway.

I went because I was asked and as another pair of ears to listen and digest. But no way is that routine.