if you received no card or present from your 30 year old ds for your birthday would you treat them the same

[JamminDoughnuts]

is it just pathetic to retaliate in the same manner?

When was your birthday?

So many men are useless with gifts and often rely on their partners to step into the gift buying for their families.
So I would question did I raise him make an effort ! Or have I raised yet another man who can't buy gifts

That is disappointing for you but I would definitely speak to him about it and tell him you would appreciate something small.

As my kids got older I literally had that chat explaining that when they were small our relationship flowed in one direction towards them but now we are all getting on I would like if things became somewhat more balanced and I was clear that I only wanted a token gesture not something beyond their means.

Could you maybe have that chat with him?

Presumably this has been discussed and agreed though, whereas OP has been surprised by her DS' lack of present/card.
Fair enough if the "younger generation don't do cards" but not buying your mum a.birthday present is shitty

My 20yo doesn't do cards but she sends a text and something small in the post. It's the thought that counts.

Cards just aren't that much of a thing these days. Saying that, I even forget my own birthday let alone anyone else's.

My adult DDs aren’t into cards, I don’t think their generation are tbh (mid 20s). But they know I appreciate a card and therefore make the effort.

He didn't forget, he texted you. His low effort was pretty rubbish - I wouldn't expect a card but I would expect a phone call.

Just tell him you were hurt that all he could be arsed to do was text.

Retaliation is petty and ridiculous.

Exactly. My immediate thought would be worry

This. ^ Have a word with him @JamminDoughnuts and tell him you're surprised he didn't bother - or forgot!

If you had said he was 17-22 I'd have said 'yep, that's typical behaviour!' Not 30 though. He should know better.

And happy birthday!

Who forgets their own birthday?!

My 25yo dd is like this. I got no card not even a text for my birthday the other week and it was a significant birthday. She lives a couple of hours away and is just quite self absorbed. I think if I mentioned it she’d apologise but I don’t say anything as I don’t want to nag or be guilt tripping her.

So in some way it’s the mums fault 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
bloody hell

My adult DC are early twenties and send cards and gifts and usually arrange with younger DC to club together for a gift.
Even DC2 who really isn’t bothered about gifts for himself does.
I think you need a conversation with him.

I wouldn’t be so bothered by a card if he text or phoned you to wish you a happy birthday. The lack of present/flowers would be crap though. Does he normally get you something?

You can’t tell people to buy you a present! Presents are optional not mandatory

No. I don’t expect cards from anyone. And tit for tat is petty and ridiculous.

In our family it's a standing joke that DD doesn't buy cards for any occasion.
But she goes overboard with presents.

In our family, kids (adult children) don't do gifts for parents or other older adult relatives. Cards are also hit and miss. Big birthdays are the exception. Our parents still do gifts and cards for us. DHs family are different and the parents expect cards and gifts off their kids and would be upset if they didn't get them.

I think it’s most definitely part of the point.

I also think this is part of a larger picture of hurt and sadness that goes back before your son was born and doesn’t centre on him.

At the risk of the entirety of MN rolling its eyes, I’d invest in some therapy because the way you think and feel is causing you such pain.

My eldest only seems to acknowledge his nephews and niece for birthdays and is generous to them. Christmas he buys for everyone.
I still buy him birthday gifts because I accept he’s not unkind, he’s just not that into materialistic stuff. He would not be at all bothered about receiving gifts and won’t have any fuss on his birthday such as a family meal and that’s fine. If he expected gifts but never gave I would think differently.
My youngest ds might forget but relies on his sisters sometimes to remind him I think. The girls never forget.

The amount of posters falling over themselves to say they would still buy for this 30 year old man.. No wonder MN is full of upset women at Christmas doing all the gift buying while the man does fuck all.

Unless he has a genuine reason - that surely he would have shared with the OP, then I would match his efforts.

MN is full of Martyrs when it comes to other women. God forbid the OP is upset, but noooo of course she still buys for him and is petty and pathetic to think otherwise! 🙄

I don't want therapy

And of course I won't play tit for tat,but I do feel less inclined but I can come to my senses easily

When I was in my early 20s and away at University I forgot to send my dad a birthday card one year. He called me up a few days later to say that I had really hurt his feelings to not even bother to send a card. I was absolutely mortified but it did give me a kick up the backside. The reality is it was thoughtless of me and I should have known better.

Just tell him it hurt your feelings that he didn't even bother sending a card.