if you received no card or present from your 30 year old ds for your birthday would you treat them the same

[JamminDoughnuts]

is it just pathetic to retaliate in the same manner?

No. I wouldn't.

I would talk to him about it first.

oh, i wont talk to him, what on earth would i say?
arent we doing presents now?
that kind of thing?

it has upset me that he can be so unkind

I wouldn’t, I would continue to buy for him as always.

Is there a pattern of unkindness or did he just forget once?

I'd say "Hey DS, what happened to my birthday card from you?!"

I would go low effort with just a card . If he says anything say you thought you weren’t doing gifts as he missed your birthday . He’s 30 he should not be
forgetting your birthday .

I would say that to him.

But continue to buy for him. Just with a little less thought and cost.

Why wouldn't you talk to him?
Joe, bit upset you forgot my birthday. I didn't raise you to be so thoughtless and I'm a bit hurt.

If he reads MN he'll probably go NC, but normal people would just say, Yeah, bugger, sorry mum and do better next time.

I would absolutely talk to him. Why wouldn't you?

he didnt forget but could not come to my meal that i had planned.
the gifts in the past have been fairly minimal but that isnt really the point.

What did he do for the previous 12 years of his adulthood? Is there a back story?

someone of his age has zero excuse for forgetting if it's something he really cares about - he has a mobile with a calendar in it, he could set a reminder a week in advance if he was really invested in thinking of you on your birthday. You'd have to question why he isn't bothered .

No. I wouldn’t be so petty.
I also never expect anything, I’d just be pleasantly surprised if I was given something.
Some people (not just men!) don’t place high importance on giving cards and gifts, it doesn’t mean they don’t love, value and appreciate you.

Many of that generation have given up cards to adults. Did he contact you on the day to say happy birthday?

yes i had a text
i know cards are very unusual in that generation.
just thoughtless
and of course i will buy him a present.

No, but I would tell him I was hurt.

We haven’t done actual cards and gifts for adults since the grandchildren came along. If it’s a special one the person usually books a table somewhere but that’s it.

No, not with my child.

Some people (not just men!) don’t place high importance on giving cards and gifts

surely it's the other way round, it isn't about what people place high importance on, it's about what the recipient values and meeting those needs. If they aren't thinking that way it's a clear sign they have low investment in the person and the relationship.

the OP hasn't given any clues as to how they and their DS relate to each other, their closeness and the past behaviour of the DS so we don't have enough to go on. If they're considering playing tit for tat, then that's a sign things aren't in a healthy situation,

There must be a huge back story here. If my adult DS did something inconsiderate like this I would be a bit sad, and quite worried that there was something massive going on in his life that I didn’t know about. But I wouldn’t even consider retaliation. I love him, and that is in no way conditional on him giving me birthday gifts.

However, this would be hugely out of character for him. Perhaps it isn’t for your DS?

You say he didn't forget and did wish you a happy birthday by text. As long as your birthday was acknowledged with a call or a message I would be happy.
I would continue to treat his birthday the way I always have.
If cards and presents mean a lot to you, and he is aware of this, I may ask if everything is ok as he didn't send you anything. But that would be more out of concern for him rather than the lack of gift.
To refuse to buy him a present is really petty and the fact that you would even think of doing that in retaliation is really sad.

Umm, yeah? Why can’t you talk about it?

Hi son, I was a bit surprised that you didn’t send me a card for my birthday?

In our family we would ask. We're very straightforward like that!

Yes it’s pathetic- you’re the parent!!! I would remind them coming up to birthday or Christmas that everyone deserves presents