Visiting my son, what's reasonable?

[Completecare]

My son lives a long way away and I can only visit 3/4 times a year. He comes back occasionally (more limited by AL allowance) and we talk on the phone once in a while. That's all fine. I'm going for a few days this week.

There's another thread here making me wonder if my thoughts regarding the visit are OK.

He lives with DW in a very small flat, so DP (not his dad) and I have rented a flat nearby.

They live in a very nice area and he'll be working, with a couple of his usual days off, no extra leave. He works shift, so will be free with mornings or evenings. So, (or me and DP) usually entertain myself while he's working and see him when he's free. We'll go for a walk and have breakfast or dinner together.

Usually there's an opportunity to have time alone with him because his wife will be working. I like his wife a lot and we'll have a nice time altogether, but it's nice to have him to myself a bit too. I also think it's probably good for her to have a break from me?

DP has said say the word and he'll take himself off so I can have breakfast alone with DS, but the last thing I want is to offend his DW by inviting him to breakfast and not including her. In her shoes I'd probably be glad of the peace in a multiday trip, but as a MIL, on MN at least, it seems hard to get things right.

So how do I say I'd like an hour or two alone with him without it becoming a big issue? Or is that an unreasonable expectation now he's married?

Exactly!

My heart goes out to the MILs of some posters on here. I know my MIL loved me, and I still remember the moment that she told me so. And I adored her. And I hope that the empathy that I had for her helped our relationship.

It's not hard to recognise that a mother and son (and father and son) relationship is important, and that if you live a distance away there are few natural opportunities for time together.
Neither of my PILs ever indicated that they'd like time alone with DH, but it was clear that they loved it when they did.

Perhaps you won’t get 1:1 time with him every visit and that’s ok.

But why don’t you just ask him? “Shall we go for breakfast just the two of us on one day, like we usually do - would DW appreciate the time to herself, or will she be keen to join as she’s not at work? Happy to do whatever!”

Well yes, that's what I was planning to do, but plenty here think that would be a terrible thing to do and damage my relationship with both of them irreparably.

You know them and we don’t - this sounds totally fine to me and if your instinct is that sounds fine to you, go for it.

And there are also quite a few of us who think your suggestion is perfectly reasonable, OP. Only you know your own family dynamics. I do what I can to facilitate a good relationship between my partner and his parents because, having no relationships with my own, I know the value of them. My parents in law have never had to ask me for time alone with my partner/their son, though, so maybe that’s an important distinction here. I don’t need to go everywhere with him, after all.

@Wineglasses i am not stupid or sexist I’m just saying that this seems to be the case

Don’t go with what “people on here” think - go with your own judgement! You know them and what they will think of the suggestion.

I see plenty of posts on here but they don’t make me second guess myself, because they’re not about my situation/relationships.

Are you really only worried cos of what people say on here, and not cos you’re unsure whether to suggest it?

Some of these posts seem bizarre to me. Do you never meet your mum and / or dad for a lunch and a natter? Or invite your mum on a shopping trip just to spend some quality time together? Why should it be different if you’re a son?

I disagree.

My DH often meets his mum on his days off around shifts when I'm working.
I meet my mum a lot on my own or with my sister but wouldn't think to ask DH.

We do family stuff too but now I'm wondering if we are weird!
🙄

Well we’re all different - personally that’s enough for me and I don’t feel the need to hive the child off for separate meals.
Anything I need to discuss privately can be done via that medium.

Totally normal to want one to one time with your child OP.

What if, for example, his relationship with his partner isn't going well? Either in a drastic way, or maybe just little niggles. Maybe he wants to speak to his mom about this without her present. Absolutely normal and healthy.

If his partner is uncomfortable with this I would see that as quite controlling, personally. But then, if I was the partner in that situation I would be actively facilitating his time alone with his mom. Why wouldn't she? Seems very insecure to be uncomfortable about a parent and child having time together.

Obviously it would be rude if you refused to spend any time with her at all .... But as long as there is balance, and you also spend some time with them as a couple, I honestly don't see a problem.

In fact, when I have been in a relationship I have often had time alone with my MIL/equivalent too. Group interaction is great, but it's also nice to build bonds one on one, and have more personal conversations.

Your idea of suggesting one breakfast alone with your son is orefeectky fine, measured and in offensive, OP. Crack on with it, and if it causes a deep problem, I think that's a bit of a red flag, and it's worth looking at why.......

It most certainly isn’t “weird” to want to see your son on his own occasionally.. totally normal!

We see in-laws normally as a family at weekends but I do encourage my DH to see them on his own sometimes as well. They went up to his office recently to meet him for lunch and they absolutely loved it. I get to see my parents all the time without DH and I think it’s important to be able to see your parents without your partner sometimes

I didn’t say they have to come as a pair, it’s just that he gets invited and then he and his wife decide if she is coming. To invite him separately and not have her come for sure means the OP has to tell him not to invite her…she can’t do that because it risks alienating his wife.

However, since I had said that there was a slight context change. Now that OP has confirmed that she usually has breakfast alone with him when his wife is at work it actually makes it simpler…’I know DIL is off work but she won’t mind that we still have our usual mother/son breakfast will she?’ @Completecare thats what is go with. Makes it clear what you want without saying she can’t come.

I'm the mother of a grown, married son too. My son comes by alone occasionally, if his wife is busy elsewhere and he also calls me sometimes when he's home alone. But I would never request that his wife stay away, if she's available to join in. I think it would be unkind and it might also start trouble in what sounds like a nice relationship.