Visiting my son, what's reasonable?

[Completecare]

My son lives a long way away and I can only visit 3/4 times a year. He comes back occasionally (more limited by AL allowance) and we talk on the phone once in a while. That's all fine. I'm going for a few days this week.

There's another thread here making me wonder if my thoughts regarding the visit are OK.

He lives with DW in a very small flat, so DP (not his dad) and I have rented a flat nearby.

They live in a very nice area and he'll be working, with a couple of his usual days off, no extra leave. He works shift, so will be free with mornings or evenings. So, (or me and DP) usually entertain myself while he's working and see him when he's free. We'll go for a walk and have breakfast or dinner together.

Usually there's an opportunity to have time alone with him because his wife will be working. I like his wife a lot and we'll have a nice time altogether, but it's nice to have him to myself a bit too. I also think it's probably good for her to have a break from me?

DP has said say the word and he'll take himself off so I can have breakfast alone with DS, but the last thing I want is to offend his DW by inviting him to breakfast and not including her. In her shoes I'd probably be glad of the peace in a multiday trip, but as a MIL, on MN at least, it seems hard to get things right.

So how do I say I'd like an hour or two alone with him without it becoming a big issue? Or is that an unreasonable expectation now he's married?

As holeymoley says above…if DIL isn't family this is the way to show her …a good boundary ..but with consequences

That’s only a rhyme parroted by the stupid and sexist, though.

I’m completely fine with my partner having time alone with his parents. I think I’d feel a bit bad if the only time they ever got with him was with me there too. It’s never occurred to me to find that odd.

Dont you speak to him alone on the phone anyway? Messenger video?

I don't think going for breakfast with my son is 'excluding her'. It's not like it's something she'll be all excited about doing, and it's perfectly positive she'll be glad of a couple of hours off from 'entertaining'.

But, that is why I asked. I realise MILs can't get it right.

Do you only see your friends with their partners?!

Honestly, I hope my son never ends up in a relationship or married to a woman who will make us spending 1:1 time together weird, regardless of his age or relationship status. He’s my son, I love him dearly. I hope to have an amazing 1:1 relationship with his wife too, and his children. All this behaviour of excluding the MIL and making her feel she should ask permission or accept to never see her son without his wife again is so so so strange to me.

I don't understand this post. Who's getting tons of alone time?

I'm not staying with them, no one is hosting.

We live in another country to adult DS’s.

When we visit, our adult DS’s will take time to spend with us without their families tagging along and at other times, we’ll all be together, all 3 families. It’s great.

I don’t think either DIL resents their partner spending some time 1:1 with his parents without them. It’s only once or twice a year after all.

I’ve not married into my friend’s family so clearly not. It’s a completely different dynamic.

Also I’ve only said to let it happen naturally rather than making it a thing. If ops son wants to see her alone as well I’m sure he will arrange it.

Yes, but surely you recognise that's not the same as being with someone, or why do we ever meet up with anyone?

I cannot fathom minding if DH wanted to meet his dad/sibling/uncle without me, or saying yes if the suggestion came from them.

Well that's a good example. I take my mum to the supermarket every week and go for coffee - dad has no interest in coming and it's nice to have some time alone with my mum. If we were arranging a dinner, dad would be included, but when family live away you don't do the mundane things that mean you naturally spend time 1 on 1.

You are spending time with your mum alone, even if you wouldn't go to dinner alone.

I’ve just played this out in my own head and I would be offended if MIL said to DH she wanted to go out for breakfast just them and I’m not invited.

Hope I tend to do it is I phrase it as ‘give DH a break’ and let them decide. Or say something like ‘no offence taken if DIL doesn’t want to join us at any point/has her own things to do’

It is a tricky one! I don’t expect my DH to be there every time I see my parents but I do tend to go with him to see his for moral support.

Maybe offer up something mundane.

None of us know your dil or son to know how they would take a meal invite for just him but a mundane trip to whatever shop could be an ease that then leads to coffee.

I love both of my daughter in laws as my own. I wouldn’t dream of wanting to separate them from my sons during a visit so that I could spend time alone with them. They are grown up men. I’m sorry if I sound harsh but I just can’t understand why you need to do this.

I appreciate that that is how you feel, and you've used the example of your parents there and thats how your family dynamic is, but i guess my point is we are all different.
Someone who looks at two people in their family meeting up and thinks 'what about me, leaving me out clearly means you dont want to spend any time with me and hate me' rather than 'oh thats nice' feels problematic to me, personally.

And I can’t understand how you can love two women you met as adults exactly the same as the sons you grew and raised. We’re all different, eh?

ETA what would you do If they divorced?

Nothing wrong with that at all! I'd find it weird if my partner didn't want alone time with his parents sometimes (assuming they get along!)

I think it’s how it comes out.

Dh says oh I’m just going to go do whatever with mum. Cool great crack on. Bye.

Can you come but alone only you. Well that’s a bit mean.

Again if they were sorting legal stuff or whatever wouldn’t expect to come either it wouldn’t need to be said that I wasn’t wanted there. But a let’s go do this thing but she’s not allowed to come just sits funny with me.

If my MIL told me she loved me as her own, I’d be both confused and terrified.

until a couple of years ago I lived a 3 hour drive from my sons and DILs, they visited as couples 3 or 4 times a year and I visited them about 6 times a year, staying a night with each. Now I live 20/40 minutes drive away, I pop in (invited!) at lunchtime to see each every 3 weeks or so. DIL’s very much regularly invited for family meals and I love them both to bits. Lovely to have 30 minutes with my boys on their own though! (Aged 38 and 36)

We are usually together when we see in-laws as we live far away and travel to see them. My MIL would never suggest having alone time with DH BUT I think she secretly loves it when I go off to bed and give them time to chat.

I wouldn’t be offended at all if MIL wanted to just have breakfast with DH. I know it wouldn’t be personal, DH is still her son, she’s a lovely woman and I’m a reasonable person. Think it depends on your DIL but I don’t see the harm in just asking him.

Breakfast solo sounds reasonable to me, but if you don't think it will land well can you find a reason that justifies it just being you and him e.g to say you want to talk to him about an old family friend or a health issue over a pre-dinner coffee, or for him to help you shop for something? I go out of my way to spend time with just my parents when they visit my town, but wouldn't exclude DH from a meal together as he'd then be eating alone.

My son now lives 4.5hrs away as 18yr old DD and I moved, and he lives with long term gf. I personally always invite her too, she can’t always make it but i’d feel rude not inviting her. On mother’s day he got in the car for a meal on his own, and when I asked if gf was working, he said oh I thought it was just us going. So sent him back in for her. I see them as a package now. There will be some times he comes and stays at mine and she can’t get time off but if I go there I wouldn’t just invite my son when his gf was available too.