Visiting my son, what's reasonable?

[Completecare]

My son lives a long way away and I can only visit 3/4 times a year. He comes back occasionally (more limited by AL allowance) and we talk on the phone once in a while. That's all fine. I'm going for a few days this week.

There's another thread here making me wonder if my thoughts regarding the visit are OK.

He lives with DW in a very small flat, so DP (not his dad) and I have rented a flat nearby.

They live in a very nice area and he'll be working, with a couple of his usual days off, no extra leave. He works shift, so will be free with mornings or evenings. So, (or me and DP) usually entertain myself while he's working and see him when he's free. We'll go for a walk and have breakfast or dinner together.

Usually there's an opportunity to have time alone with him because his wife will be working. I like his wife a lot and we'll have a nice time altogether, but it's nice to have him to myself a bit too. I also think it's probably good for her to have a break from me?

DP has said say the word and he'll take himself off so I can have breakfast alone with DS, but the last thing I want is to offend his DW by inviting him to breakfast and not including her. In her shoes I'd probably be glad of the peace in a multiday trip, but as a MIL, on MN at least, it seems hard to get things right.

So how do I say I'd like an hour or two alone with him without it becoming a big issue? Or is that an unreasonable expectation now he's married?

Oh what Instarted saying OP beut aeem to have forgotten to finish, that is what I usually do, but she's not working currently, so no I can't 'just'. That was the point, there won't be any time when she's working.

I don't want to "talk", I have no particular reason to talk to him alone, I just want to send some time with my son.

I still think it needs to happen organically. Rather than looking like an exclusion.
It changes the tone from I don’t want you here to just as it happens it happened.

Is she out of work because they have recently had a child by any chance.

No, just between jobs in a sector where that happens quite a lot. They don't have Dc.

We're like you @Completecare I think it's perfectly normal and you sound very considerate.

Text something like: "Hey, kiddo, would be great to catch up just the two of us when I come up, do you think clara would mind if we went for coffee on the Sunday and then we all go to lunch afterwards"

Of course it’s not! Just because he’s married it doesn’t mean they always come as a pair. Is that the same for friends and other family too in your view?

I think it would look rude to be honest. Would you specifically say "don't bring your wife" when you invited him for breakfast?

Don't specifically exclude her. You'll probably find that you naturally end up spending time on your own with your DS at some point in the trip anyway, without asking for it.

Yes of course that's exactly how I'd say it!

Or the other thread is about private money ..being kept from the wife.

I think the being a family member is key..if you want this remove as a MIL don’t expect close family support from DIL in other situations …that would be hypocritical

What close family support are you picturing from DIL, here?

Stepping up for care, health appointments, arranging family gifts or anything that stands in for DS..the usual that DILs do as ‘one of the family’

Cannot quite believe all the people on here suggesting that if someone you love partners up you can no longer have any time alone with them...
If i wanted to meet up with a friend for coffee and her partner got mad he wasnt invited because he thought they should be invited to everything as a unit, that would be controlling behaviour...
If you wanted to take your mum out shopping and your dad insisted he had to come along every time, that would be controlling behaviour...
How is this any different?!?

Well, isn't it good that having a willy doesn't disqualify her DS from doing those things as needed?

And I really cannot imagine anyone (husband or wife) saying "no, your mum is off the Xmas card list because she wanted to have breakfast alone with you a couple of times a year"

Well, as they live 5 hours away I'm under no illusion that I'll be getting any of that kind of support anyway, but I certainly wouldn't base my relationship with her/them on any expectation in that direction anyway.

They are having tons of alone time ..but OP wants a special 1:1 breakfast which is fine but a boundary..that boundary needs to apply in other ways too..like DS accommodating and hosting the visit

The issue of DIL being less than but used is on here all the time.

OP has said she won’t expect that from DIL so all is well, DS will facilitate the relationship and visit …if OP sees DIL making a big fuss and making things nice she’ll speak with DS and say it should be him making this happen

if OP sees DIL making a big fuss and making things nice she’ll speak with DS and say it should be him making this happen

WTF are you talking about?

If we have guests, both of us whizz round with the duster and the hoover, regardless of who is related to the guest

Because you generally wouldn’t expect one of the friends to making the arrangements for coffee or hosting the coffee..so yep it’s a lovely boundary (as long as Dad isn’t being used for a lift or the friend having arranged the coffee is not being invited)

I mean friends is a totally different thing to what’s seen as being family.

If dh mate invited him out wouldn’t wonder why I was excluded because I wouldn’t think of it as a going out with family thing. It’s a mate thing.

If my mum rang me and said just me, you, your dad no dh I’d wonder wtf was going on and why he was excluded from a family meal. I get in this case op is the only actual parent there however.

Id also have no problem with my dad tagging along to come Tesco if I said hey mum fancy coming shops with me. In theory it would be more an open invite he wouldn’t be rejected if he tried to come along like a bannished puppy.

Where’s again saying mum only do you want to come Tesco would feel rude to me to say. No you can’t bring dad for a coffee with no actual reason other than a just don’t want him there would feel rude to me again as well.

If I wanted a one on one private chat then I’d say that but just because feels kinda mean on purpose rather than just happening naturally.

What?

….and then said guest says I’d like to have alone time? That’s strange

You’re allowed to spend time with your son whenever you want for however long you want, without worrying about upsetting his wife. Please ignore that other thread because I truly believe those making a fuss are being unreasonable.

If you really want to ensure you don’t offend her, maybe make the effort to have some one on one girly time with her too.

Not for me. If FIL is coming to stay, I’ll run the hoover round whilst DH sorts the guest room, and then I’ll leave them to it if they want to go for a beer/curry/have a tea on the sofa in front of the sports.