In a crap situation where need to take time off work but feel I can’t because DH is home

[heymummyhey]

I am completely overwhelmed and stressed. It’s been coming a while and yesterday I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop.

I want to take time off work. I have literally never done this before but I feel like I’m spinning plates and exhausted from it all. However, I feel like I can’t because DH is at home and would not understand at all. To add to the complexities one of his mates is also staying with us and so rather than have two or three weeks of quiet and getting together I’d just be feeling like I’m in the way in my own home.

I know this is at least part of the problem!

You need to tell you DH in no uncertain terms that you NEED this time off for your mental health. If he doesn’t understand then that’s his issue! He also needs to get rid of his friend. Your health is more important.
If he can’t understand, he isn’t a husband you should stay with tbh!

Thanks all. I’m really grateful to those who understand. I actually get very anxious when I take time off work; not sure why, I just always seem to imagine I’ll be sacked or something but I’m really not in a place I can give headspace to work now.

One of my friends is going to leave her key for me so I can take refuge at hers. Even better she has a dog so I’ll take the dog for some lovely autumn walks and get some quiet space; she’ll return to a happy walked dog and so it’s a win win.

DH isn’t a bad person or anything but the thought of me being at home largely doing nothing while he is sat seriously ill and working is a very uncomfortable one: he wouldn’t say anything but it’s not about how it is it’s just feelings, even if he isn’t feeling anything I’m imagining he is! It was the same when I was on maternity leave for the first time and he was home all the time as it was covid and I just hated it which is probably unfair of me!

I'm curious what sort of job you are in whereby you can just take time off work because you feel like you "need" to. Are you ill? Are you having a MH breakdown? If so, surely your DH should be sympathetic to some degree and I would assume that his "mate" who is visiting would also bow out.

Most people can take time off work if they feel the need to. It may or may not be paid of course.

good god, the man is terminally ill.

Thank goodness for that friend! Make sure you take advantage of her offer every chance you get. Any chance you could crash in her spare room for the odd night?

So many people stressed out with workplace demands, rising bills and family on top of that. It's an epidemic.

Something has to give in this country. We can't carry on like this. So many parents both working and juggling families to the point of a break down, and so many people sitting on their arses not contributing.

It is good that you have recognised this OP. I am in kind of a similar situation, except I have already hit the nuclear button on my job and am just dealing with the fall out.

Why is this friend staying when you are all working? Is he working? Paying rent? Ask him to go home.

I'll be honest, I don't like the sound of your marriage. If I was so burned out at work that I needed to take time off, my DH would be concerned and supportive and I'd be glad of his presence in the house, and that's how it should be.

Also why does he have a random friend staying for weeks on end? It's too long.

It has faults for sure but I think it’s just who DH is; he’s a worker, work is kind of the last thing to go. On a modern titanic he’d be on his laptop as it sank and I’m not joking. I don’t know what he’d feel about me being off - I only know how I’ll feel, if that makes sense.

What possessed you both to take in a visitor for a couple of weeks, in these circumstances? Send him packing! I’ll bet a lot of your stress will go with him, and you can reassess from there.

so are you going to tell him you’re not working?

Dear OP, I remember your previous threads. You are in a no win situation at the moment. This too shall pass though. In your situation I’d make the most of the friends house and go visit lots of nice coffee shops.

I would get signed off sick for 2 weeks but don't tell him. Leave in the morning, return in the evening as usual, but spend the work day resting in friend's house. Once you have had a few days rest you can think more clearly about going forward.

That sounds like such a sensible solution @heymummyhey . I hope this gives you a bit of respite. It sounds like you really need it and would benefit from it. 🤗

Do you two talk?

Sorry to ask this OP, but is your DHs illness actually "terminal" as one poster says, or a serious long-term condition? Huge sympathy either way, for both of you, I guess just trying to understand whether you're facing being on your own with the kids in the near(ish) future or not? (No need to reply if it's not something you want to get into.)

Can I guess that the reason your DH "doesn't get it" is that he only has to think about his job and himself? Meanwhile you are working, running the house, managing everything related to the children and trying to squeeze in the odd moment of time for yourself? So basically the moment things really get tough for you, there's just absolutely no slack in your life to accommodate you having a bit of mental space to process them? Whereas your DH might work long hours, but when hes not working his entire headspace is his own (no worrying about kids dentist appointments, must buy loo roll, whats for dinner, presents for the birthday party at the weekend etc.)

I also understand the guilt about work. Try to frame it to yourself (and your manager) that you can either try to carry on, not able to give 100% and declining in performance and resulting in months of recovery from the likely mental breakdown that results; or take 2 weeks now to try and fix things, and get back to it in 2 weeks. (In a similar boat right now, for different reasons, and have been slated on another thread for needing time off work - I do understand the stigma!).

So, so pleased you have such a kind friend and how lovely it works well for her and her dog too!

I would like to sincerely thank everyone for lovely comments. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply individually. It’s hard for me when people are brusque or impatient; to my knowledge it isn’t ‘wrong’ to make more than one thread, especially when an issue just isn’t going to be resolved, but maybe it is? I genuinely don’t know.

DH started to get really unwell in the spring and we found out he had a terminal condition in June, which in many ways feels a lifetime ago but is relatively recent and some days I still can’t believe it’s happened and it feels like a bad dream or something that’s happened to someone else.

@SplishSplash123 but that’s exactly what it is. I’m juggling a thousand spinning plates and meanwhile DH has this awful situation but isn’t managing quite the same logistics as I am.

Hopefully I will feel better after some space and time to only focus on me - it isn’t that work is a problem but it’s difficult managing work and everything else.

Oh gosh. That’s really tricky. I’m so sorry. What a heavy load for you both.

Im so glad your friend has offered her key. You can have a bit of an escape with a lovely dog for company. Cry. Watch TV. Autumn walks. Sounds like just what you need.

Good luck lovely.

With respect to him, what does it matter what he feels about you being off?

This is all very fresh still, you have barely had time to process. Honestly, I don't think many people could just be ploughing on at this point.

Take your time - rest, reflect, reset - remember that this is your one life too, you matter and you deserve to feel okay. I hope your GP will be very supportive in the circumstances.

Your friend sounds like a keeper, and it's good you've got her in your corner.

I hope you get some respite.

DH isn’t a bad person or anything but the thought of me being at home largely doing nothing while he is sat seriously ill and working is a very uncomfortable one

But he chooses to work.

I know this is going to come across as harsh but did being a workaholic contribute to his illness. Did he go to work instead of the doctor?

This comes from someone who warned now exh if he carried on the lifestyle he was leading he would get seriously ill.

But unfortunately he thought it would never happen to him and over eating, over drinking and over working wouldn’t lead to illness. Even after his terminal diagnosis he still ate, drank and spent hours more at work than he needed.

Just to add that my now exh survived