In a crap situation where need to take time off work but feel I can’t because DH is home

[heymummyhey]

I am completely overwhelmed and stressed. It’s been coming a while and yesterday I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop.

I want to take time off work. I have literally never done this before but I feel like I’m spinning plates and exhausted from it all. However, I feel like I can’t because DH is at home and would not understand at all. To add to the complexities one of his mates is also staying with us and so rather than have two or three weeks of quiet and getting together I’d just be feeling like I’m in the way in my own home.

I know this is at least part of the problem!

Do you family or friends within easy drive where you could go 1 or 2 days a week at least to just be still and quiet, sleep etc. Being in your car all day sounds very tough. Going on a long gentle walk with your phone off might be better.

No!
This is so wrong.
Get signed off.
Ask your husband's friend to leave.
Take to your bed and rest.
Husband cares for kids whilst you recover.

When I was pregnant I had bad anxiety so went and stayed with some friends in the countryside for a week. They were at work during the day so I wasn’t intruding and I would go and see family and other friends but just the fresh air and peace did wonders for me. They weren’t standing on ceremony and we all had space.

Well spending all day in your car obviously isn’t a reasonable or workable solution. Surely you’d be better decamping upstairs with a flask, snacks and some books to read or films to watch?
Have you spoken to your husband about how you’re feeling? He may be more sympathetic than you think, and you can come up with a solution together.
You can’t carry on as you are. I hesitate to mention your previous threads as name changing suggests you don’t want them linked, but it’s a highly recognisable situation and you’re going to burn out if something doesn’t change.

I am hearing you and that exhaustion is the worst.

Take the time off work.

Can you ask your husbands friend directly to stay elsewhere for a bit?

You might need your car plan to have a few good cries. Then, Instead of your car, I have found that hotel lobbies are great. They are usually nice. They are not bothered if you hang out there with a drink for a while. Soda and lime is cheap as chips. Get a book and sit and read or people watch. May be a short funny book and then I strongly recommend ‘Fair Play’ by Eve Rodesky. I saw it mentioned in here and it was a game changer in terms of my understanding of why I was so burnt out. Then see if your H will read it.

Then I think you need to do some serious thinking.

Do you and your husband get the same amount of leisure time and self care time?

If he is working in a paid role all the time, that must mean you work AND provide domestic and childcare labour when not in your paid job. You are likely doing the job of a nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, cook and laundromat. All of which, if you weren’t there, your H would have to either do himself or pay someone to do it.

Women have been sold that being able to work and own property is equality yet we still end up taking on the lions share of the domestic labour because there is still patriarchal ideas embedded within us and the men we marry.

The younger years are gruelling and there is no wonder you are feeling burnt out.

Good luck and take extra good care of yourself. Your needs matter too and they need to matter most to you because nobody else will prioritise them.

DH is working with a significant MH problem, he's at home all the time and has a flipping friend staying. You can't relax at home and I'm not sure that taking time of work will help all that much, unless you can find a sanctuary of some kind to spend time in.
It's all very well DH saying that he's working despite struggling mentally, but you are picking up the pieces. Try to have a serious talk in which you say you need more space physically and mentally and the two of you need a plan for making that possible - a plan which includes no house guests for the foreseeable.

If you're on the edge, and need to take some time off work for a break and the only feasible place you can imagine doing so is sitting in your car then you have the answer there for the reason for the stress in the first place.

You are being expected to take up zero space in your own life. Your DH is taking up too much space. Figuratively and literally. I also remember your previous post.

I know it’s not ideal but a quick look on holidayhomes.co.uk suggests there are places for single travellers - bedsits/ static caravans etc - for as little as £30 a night at the moment all over the UK. Is it worth finding something within a shortish drive and just going away for a week on your own to rest, sleep and be alone?

You say you have literally never done this before? Do you mean taken annual leave without it being with your husband?

Why have you got someone staying with you?

Your exhaustion is not a competition with DH. If you feel you can’t talk to him about this and he wouldn’t understand, then this signals a real problem with your marriage.

I don’t think the health problems are MH.

The fact you are planning to spend weeks in your car - and that this feels like the best and most appealing option for you over recovering in your own home - is a huge red flag that something has gone very badly wrong. You need to explain to your husband that this is the point you've reached. Unwell or not, he cannot totally sideline your wellbeing. The friend needs to find somewhere else to stay before the weekend.

As a short term fix, going for a long walk (for free) might be a better option than sitting in your car all day - because that sounds depressing and not restful. And / or is there a friend or family member who can leave you on their sofa with their Netflix password while they're at work?

Yep agree with this. Sounds like everyone else is getting exactly what they want and you are having to exist in the little cracks around them. Take the time off work, but be willing to also have a serious conversation with DH. Just because he has a health condition doesn’t mean that you should feel like an intruder in your own home. And get his friend out too!!

I don't understand why you can't go off work sick from work if your husband is at home? You say he's working, so surely he's in his office all day? If you can't be around your husband you have far bigger problems than just feeling burnt out!

Is the friend visiting or is he living with you? If he's only visiting surely he will leave in a few days? It makes little sense why you can't just be off work and at home for a week or so to recharge, if your husband wants to work through serious illness, well that's up to him, you aren't him so have some time off.

Can you go to museums, sit in a nice cafe watching Netflix, sign up for free gym trials , spa offers, meet up with friends for inexpensive lunches/ picnics?

If he isn't going to be sympathetic to burn out/mental health issues, just say you feel terribly ill and have some time in bed. You don't need to describe symptoms. Please don't sit in the car, be comfortable. If your DH is working in your bedroom then lay on one of the kids' beds. Maybe binge watch a series or two.

BTW what on earth is his friend doing staying at yours for weeks and not going out?!

And now they've added a guest into the mix, poor OP 😞

Unfortunately until you stand up to him nothing will change, this is how bullies are. But don't risk your job, you need as much independence as possible.

It's in OP's fourth post , I think.But perhaps I misunderstood.

I think the Op has posted before and her DH has a really serious illness which means he can't walk and so has retreated into work and spends all day working in the lounge - not in an office and can't look after kids, etc. So this is not as simple as people are assuming - am I right Op? If I am I am so sorry and totally understand your burn out and why it is not easy to resolve! xxx

Well, make him understand? It’s not a suffering competition! That he’s working with serious illness doesn’t mean you have to battle on. And tell the friend he has to make other arrangements. If these things aren’t possible, then go away yourself. Your DH will have to manage the children.

Really tricky, but unfortunately partners of long term sick people suffer too and DH needs to take this into account.

Thanks all, he doesn’t actually work in the lounge so might not be me, although have posted before about relationship.

Thanks for advice. It is a difficult one. I don’t know it’s that he wouldn’t be sympathetic it’s more that he just wouldn’t and doesn’t understand. And if I try to get him to understand it sounds like I’m having a go at him. I’d rather take the time as I really genuinely can’t face work at the moment but it feels such a farce not being able to be home!

The OP has posted about her situation before and I believe he has a terminal illness, but it’s likely of course that MH issues will also come as a result of that!

You just have to be open and honest with husband and his friend.

You poor thing, working and small children is overwhelming. Can you be honest with your husband and just take time, kids in nursery or school, you in bed, husband and friend out every day, or friend staying elsewhere. I think doing this may draw attention to the fact you're not coping and he needs to look at his role in this.
I really hope things improve.