In a crap situation where need to take time off work but feel I can’t because DH is home

[heymummyhey]

I am completely overwhelmed and stressed. It’s been coming a while and yesterday I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop.

I want to take time off work. I have literally never done this before but I feel like I’m spinning plates and exhausted from it all. However, I feel like I can’t because DH is at home and would not understand at all. To add to the complexities one of his mates is also staying with us and so rather than have two or three weeks of quiet and getting together I’d just be feeling like I’m in the way in my own home.

I know this is at least part of the problem!

@heymummyhey it might be easier if you stuck to one username so you don't have to keep explaining the (highly recognisable) situation

There is a website where you can find hotel rooms by the day they work out as half the price sometimes of an overnight stay and you can have the room 9-4. Maybe look at that?

I remember your previous threads about your husband and the extremely difficult situation you’re in. For what it’s worth, I didn’t think my DH would understand when I got signed off for stress/burn out not least as he was working much harder than me. But it was actually okay. I don’t think he’d have made the same decision but it was fine. In terms of the house, can you take to your bed or at least keep the bedroom as your space where you can read/listen to podcasts/watch TV if you have one or whatever you like doing. I also found going for a long walk every morning very helpful.

Have you posted about this before OP, I remember a thread about a workaholic taking over the family house because of illness

But in any case the friend needs to go, you are now unwell and cannot have anyone staying

Claim your space in the house, the idea of being in your car when trying to destress yourself is not going to work.

And what is the website, it would be helpful to tell us all.

I’m sure you are the same poster who has posted at length about your very difficult circumstances.

You need to give your DH an ultimatum about working from a different room and his friend moving out. He has always been very selfish and his current health situation doesn’t negate that rest of you needing a functional home and life.

Parents, siblings, friends, travelodge? Even for a night or two as a break?

I am wondering if it's the person with the ill workaholic husband who dominates the house. Even during the school holidays he wanted to rule the roost in the lounge and children to be quiet. He's a shit lazy husband and dad plus financially abusive. Any workaround or solution is shot down. This post is more thinly veiled then the other 2 but ultimately you are going to get similar responses as he is so awful, ill or not

It’s the 3rd one l am aware of -there might be more

If you can’t co exist in the same space as dh without feeling uncomfortable and claustrophobic then it speaks volumes about the state of your marriage. That may be the underlying issue here.

Tell his friend to clear off. You're not a hotel!

You have a huge DH problem. That's your stressor mainly, but I understand if he has health issues you can't do anything about it immediately. Could you go to him and explain you're absolutely at your limit and need time off before you break? If you can't then I think you have some thinking to do.

Why is the friend staying? Could they leave?

That all sounds really difficult and your husband is not being particularly understanding. You are now unwell and you need him to support you.

Start speaking about this and reframing it in your mind as you being unwell, not just being stressed/ burned out. It's past that point, and he needs to take it seriously. Your health is being impacted as well and is just as important as his health.

You've also got another actual third person at the moment .... I'm wondering why is the friend there, and could he at the very least be moved on? He is currently being put up by two people who are unwell themselves and clearly not coping. He needs to try and find somewhere else to go.

You can't spend 2 or 3 weeks in your car. Tell your DH about how you feel and get some rest. Then talk about how to change things going forward.

I have felt burnt out several times over the years and DH did not notice as I was getting on with everything and he thought happy to be busy .. I had to spell it out to him and make sure we communicate better. it's v important that you don't feel 'I can't be ill'.

Wishing you well and hope you get your rest.

So what would happen if you took to your bed and didn’t get up, aside from bathroom trips, for a week?

What are you worried about in terms of his reaction?

What would happen if you were actually hospitalised for a week?

OP, you need to talk to your DH and he needs to listen to you, not just hear what you’re saying! His present situation should not be a barrier to hearing about his wife’s health and welfare. I don’t see that you’ll gain anything by taking AL and spending the days in your car either, that’s just like sticking a plaster on a badly fractured leg!

That's exactly what I'd do. A day or two in bed with a good book or two and lots of naps is a great way to deal with stress.

Speak to DH and say his friend needs to go and you have to be the priority in your own home. Xx

I agree that you can do a lot to set your bedroom up as a haven away from DH and friend. You could get a cheap kettle and just pop down to make lunch.

Long walks are another excellent suggestion and maybe get some ‘free trial’ days at any local gyms ideally with pool / sauna. Local libraries can be nice to hang out for a bit or community centres or independent cafes.

I do also recognise this post and your DH has always sounded awful so I do think you should consider all your options as life sounds horrendously stressful due to his attitude.

Why is the friend staying and for how long?

If feeling in the way at home, young children and your husband are the main stressors then will being signed off work help? Sounds like work is your escape and not being there might make things worse. I know it's not possible to get signed off from your personal life in the same way as it is from work but sitting in your car and dodging your husband sounds way worse than being inside at work and away from him.

It’s his house as well…

this

If I knew you, you’d be welcome to hang out at mine- no need to socialise, just doze on the sofa, read, rest. Check in with friends. If you are who I think you are, you’re having a bloody hard time and deserve a sofa to yourself. 💐

I'm guessing that part of why you're burnt out is because you're working and also carrying a very large portion, if not all of the household chores/admin and parenting?

Your husband's focus is solely his job and nothing else. Of course, he's not finding it all too much, because he's not carrying all of the other everyday tasks with him! If you suddenly weren't there, what would he do?!! There'd be no food in the house, the house wouldn't be clean, no clean laundry, no kids in bed etc.

Your husband should be helping you, in whatever way he's able to. I understand he has an illness, and he may be restricted but there must be something he can do?

Why is his friend staying? How long was this agreed? Is he doing anything to help you? After all he's another grown adult in the house! Is he paying you any money?

You need to have an honest conversation with your husband. The friend needs to find alternative accommodation, at the very least.