Leaving horrid husband, help me get my ducks in a row - how do I do it

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I want to end my marriage. My husband is a prick. Low level abusive, nothing physical, a bully mostly to me and sometimes to the kids. Hates everyone, doesn't have any friends or a social life. Doesn't like me seeing my family, doesn't like me and the kids having hobbies but doesn't have any himself. I plan all activities and holidays me and the kids and don't include him as he prefers to be left alone so he can lie on the sofa all day and scroll on his phone and moans if he 'has' to come along. I woke up one morning and realised he's just turned into a miserable, miserly old man and I'm done. I could go on and on but it's not the point of the post.

My challenge is our finances are a total mess and I keep staying in the hope I can earn us out of this black hole we're in. I'm hoping if I state the facts someone can help me see the wood through the trees.

We have two houses (a second property bought as an investment). Both mortgaged. Main family home decent equity. Rental not negative equity but if we sell it we wouldn't get back what we'd spent buying and renovating it so would effectively crystallize a loss. Main family home I love love love and would not want to leave but couldn't afford the mortgage alone. Rental covers the mortgage and incidentals though don't make a profit from it.

We both work full time and have 2 kids, one child with SEN. Because of this we employ a nanny as because of his needs he can't go to holiday clubs or after school / wraparound care. We have looked extensively for other options but they just do not exist where we are and the ones social services have sent me are like 2 hours 3 times a week - basically not enough that I could continue to work.

Other child in private school. I really don't want to disrupt his education.

My job pays well and I love my career. But between my job and husband's we only just cover all the bills each month as the cost of private school + mortgage + nanny. Zero savings as these have been plundered over the years every time SEN child has needed additional therapies or equipment and endless court cases and legal fees.

So.

I have thought about literally just changing the locks. But of course it's half his house so not really legal. And I know he won't play nicely. The household bills are paid by direct debit from his account (I transfer money to his account each month to cover most of this) and he would 100% just stop the direct debits and leave me to pick up the pieces.

Neither of our salaries would cover all the outgoings alone.

I've thought about just quitting my job (then could reduce nanny) but with no savings how would we eat and I really want to let my one child continue in his school.

Any job which would allow me to work flexibly from home realistically would allow me to not have a nanny but wouldn't pay enough to cover the massive mortgages and school fees. I have looked into this option also. Ironically husband not paid as much so he could work part time and the pay cut he'd take would basically net off what we pay our nanny (allowing for paying a gross salary out of a net salary) but he doesn't want to for his mental health. He thinks it's beneath him basically.

All I can think of is - sell both houses, buy two much smaller cheaper properties / flats to massively reduce mortgages so we can afford school fees. Keep childcare to allow work. Basically there's no way for me to keep our lovely home is there? I feel like the kids will never forgive me. They have no idea how bad things are as I protect them from arguments and mostly we live as a 3, but when they do spend time with their dad (mostly watching telly together whilst I do housework) they do love him.

I know women for a thousand years have left horrible husbands but I just have no idea how I can make it work.

Sorry it's a long post. And I know we got ourselves in just a total mess of relying on big salaries and maxing out but this is where we are.

It doesn’t sound like you’re willing to give anything up.

Ugh what a nasty little man. Serving notice on the school is very very cruel. Will he move out?

Actually love, last night's admission by him was a result - it's now a joint agreement that you call time on the marriage, not just your idea.

Throwing his toys out of the pram this morning is not so good, but keep it all as evidence that when things don't go his way he gets spiteful. And the things you pay for he is presumably not able to cancel...school in particular? They won't want to lose you (for their own reasons but that's fine) so be honest with them about your current situation and what your plans are and see what flexibility there is, not just re a bursary (which are gold dust now) but on timing of payment of fees as well.

And I know everyone is talking about private school as a luxury you need to jettison, but with a SEN child it isn't and if you are sensible about the next house you buy and reduce your mortgage and other outgoings, it is perfectly possible to keep it as a non-negotiable - it's a priority because it makes the rest of life a lot more manageable.

Anyway, chin up, you are moving forwards...freedom beckons and you will love it.

Yeah that’s where I am. This thread actually (thank you mumsnet) has made me realise I have to prioritise. So houses need to go but school stays. I’ve run the numbers and can afford a much smaller house, i’ll keep money in the budget to make it super lovely and cosy and filled with art and plants and a pretty garden with roses. The school and childcare stay, assuming he plays nicely.

Tell you something though, there will be no new husband. If I never have another man in my bed for the rest of my life that’ll fine with me.

Good girl, that's exactly what I've done and it works really well...smaller house means smaller outgoings as well (and less to keep clean!) and you can make it lovely for the three of you.

And no, I won't ever marry again either, fwb maybe but I can't even be bothered with that at the moment!

Sounds like you've got the important things all worked out which is great, get yourself to solicitor and start running things on a timeline that suits you.

Do we need one though? I figured we could just do it ourselves with some help from chat gpt?

Do not even consider doing the legal stuff yourself based on AI advice...your STBXH has shown you that he isn't going to play nicely and professional advice will save you a lot of arguing and wondering. Especially with property involved.

If you're going to do a DIY divorce (I couldn't because it didn't exist at the time) then you might "just" want advice to make sure you know what you're entitled to...from my own experience what starts out as discussions very quickly turns into negotiations and can easily turn hostile...you need to know where you stand so you are making your case from a place of absolute certainty...it's money very well spent I promise you!

Not been through this myself but think it might be the case that both parents have to agree to a change of education setting, so if he pulls your child out of the school now he might be able to block them going back in later but if you can keep them there while the divorce is in progress and you’re willing to pay then he shouldn’t be able to unilaterally decide to take him out after that. Others with more experience will be able to confirm if this is correct or not.

Forcing you to pay all bills immediately is quite nasty. Is he planning to move out? Can you get the house on the market quickly? You need legal advice. I don’t know what happens if he refuses to contribute financially but also won’t consent to selling the house yet.

re 50/50 custody: you said he doesn’t know where to get school uniforms, how to arrange parents evening etc. I’m afraid it is common for 50/50 to be the official situation and the number of nights at each house but exH still expects exW to do all the thinking and planning and purchasing and arranging so he basically acts as a glorified babysitter. But still expects to jump in and make decisions randomly when it suits him, expects everyone to play in to his fantasy that he’s an equal parent. From what you’ve described your H could be that type. Sorry.

i did a DIY divorce but it only worked because we had no children, we were amicable (ex is a good person) and i was willing to lose out a little bit financially to keep the peace. No way would i try going without a solicitor in your situation with a hostile ex and kids to consider.

Definitely do not do this. Chat gpt is unreliable at the best of times so you do not want it giving you legal advice!

Particularly in your circumstances where your husband may make things difficult for you, it’s very very important to have a legal professional involved to ensure everything is above board! If you are amicable then you can use the ‘Resolution Together’ service to use the same lawyer and keep costs down, but obviously this is assuming he continues to play ball.

As you also have children involved, and do not want 50/50, it’s even more important to have advice re child arrangement orders in terms of the separation.

I’d also just like to add that you maybe should reconsider your ideas re housing and schooling. The vast majority of children I know would rather have a nicer house (I.e. a room each etc) where they can freely and happily spend time in their own space, rather than go to private school and have to share all of their personal spaces. May be something to think about but I appreciate that you know what would work best for you

Not all state schools are the same. Ours doesn’t have lakes and horses but it does have large playing fields and fantastic extra curricular opportunities. Also because it’s big they offer many subjects and quickly stream them. If you have to move anyway could you be strategic and move close to a decent secondary? As long as you move DC before y9 they should easily adapt. Our school gets loads moving from private at y8 and 9. Then you have a bit more wiggle room with your housing options.

I want to wish you luck OP.
From what you say this man isnt in control of his temper/becomes emotional very quickly, that should make it easier to outmaneuver him.
Poker face & keep him in the dark.

Your mistake is that you mixed up status with happiness. You are struggling to grieve with possible loss of status as this marriage is already dead. You can’t live like that. Countless women who have been in your shoes will tell you: its better to end it. If he gets violent/ thats abuse. Even if he uses the threat of violence- thats coercive control. Leave. Your children will be happier without having such a poisonous toad in their life. Do not paint your ex as a saint either. If kids ask- be honest in age appropriate ways. Daddy was being mean to mummy… mummy hopes that daddy will try to be a better daddy to you. Foster reasonable expectation of care in your children.