Leaving horrid husband, help me get my ducks in a row - how do I do it

[blanketyblankz]

I want to end my marriage. My husband is a prick. Low level abusive, nothing physical, a bully mostly to me and sometimes to the kids. Hates everyone, doesn't have any friends or a social life. Doesn't like me seeing my family, doesn't like me and the kids having hobbies but doesn't have any himself. I plan all activities and holidays me and the kids and don't include him as he prefers to be left alone so he can lie on the sofa all day and scroll on his phone and moans if he 'has' to come along. I woke up one morning and realised he's just turned into a miserable, miserly old man and I'm done. I could go on and on but it's not the point of the post.

My challenge is our finances are a total mess and I keep staying in the hope I can earn us out of this black hole we're in. I'm hoping if I state the facts someone can help me see the wood through the trees.

We have two houses (a second property bought as an investment). Both mortgaged. Main family home decent equity. Rental not negative equity but if we sell it we wouldn't get back what we'd spent buying and renovating it so would effectively crystallize a loss. Main family home I love love love and would not want to leave but couldn't afford the mortgage alone. Rental covers the mortgage and incidentals though don't make a profit from it.

We both work full time and have 2 kids, one child with SEN. Because of this we employ a nanny as because of his needs he can't go to holiday clubs or after school / wraparound care. We have looked extensively for other options but they just do not exist where we are and the ones social services have sent me are like 2 hours 3 times a week - basically not enough that I could continue to work.

Other child in private school. I really don't want to disrupt his education.

My job pays well and I love my career. But between my job and husband's we only just cover all the bills each month as the cost of private school + mortgage + nanny. Zero savings as these have been plundered over the years every time SEN child has needed additional therapies or equipment and endless court cases and legal fees.

So.

I have thought about literally just changing the locks. But of course it's half his house so not really legal. And I know he won't play nicely. The household bills are paid by direct debit from his account (I transfer money to his account each month to cover most of this) and he would 100% just stop the direct debits and leave me to pick up the pieces.

Neither of our salaries would cover all the outgoings alone.

I've thought about just quitting my job (then could reduce nanny) but with no savings how would we eat and I really want to let my one child continue in his school.

Any job which would allow me to work flexibly from home realistically would allow me to not have a nanny but wouldn't pay enough to cover the massive mortgages and school fees. I have looked into this option also. Ironically husband not paid as much so he could work part time and the pay cut he'd take would basically net off what we pay our nanny (allowing for paying a gross salary out of a net salary) but he doesn't want to for his mental health. He thinks it's beneath him basically.

All I can think of is - sell both houses, buy two much smaller cheaper properties / flats to massively reduce mortgages so we can afford school fees. Keep childcare to allow work. Basically there's no way for me to keep our lovely home is there? I feel like the kids will never forgive me. They have no idea how bad things are as I protect them from arguments and mostly we live as a 3, but when they do spend time with their dad (mostly watching telly together whilst I do housework) they do love him.

I know women for a thousand years have left horrible husbands but I just have no idea how I can make it work.

Sorry it's a long post. And I know we got ourselves in just a total mess of relying on big salaries and maxing out but this is where we are.

This is a question worth asking, though I can probably predict the answer. If you sat down with your husband, calmly, and said 'This isn't working, I'd like to think about separating,' what would be his likely response? I only ask because he doesn't appear to be a total waster, which raises the possibility that he may to some extent play ball and be reasonable. It would be far easier with him on board.

Just to say it sounds like you're totally doing the right thing by ending it. Please don't fall into the trap of saying the kids won't forgive you - it sounds like that comes from a good, caring place - it doesn't - it amounts to using them as an excuse not to do the hard thing you know you need to do. This is a necessary step, just like harsh medical treatment. The fact that they will find it hard is not a reason not to do it.

What is your pensions like? There may be scope to agree something other than 50-50 on the houses if he does better on the pensions, although he would need to be able to house himself.

I have tried before. He has very very thin skin with a hair-trigger temper so he can go from being perfectly calm to in a furious rage in minutes when confronted with a discussion he doesn't want to have.

Basically he's spent the last decade bummed out that his life didn't turn out how he wanted. He wanted to have a big job (but didn't make it in his career) with a pretty stay at home wifey and a bit on the side (I have no desire to be a tradwife and because my career took off I am the main breadwinner to support the lifestyle of houses and posh schools he wanted and when he tried to get a bit on the side I found out what he was up to within about a week, stupid man).

The thing is, he clearly and evidently doesn't like me much. But a divorce would be the final nail of accepting his failure so he won't. Plus my salary pays for a certain lifestyle / he has posh clothes and a posh watch and stuff and he likes to give the impression to people it's him that pays it all whilst I potter around. Finally breaking up would reveal this is just fabrication.

How old are you kids?

I think there are very very few people who could continue to pay for private school and a nanny while running two households. I don't think you should view it as a failing if the child in private school has to move to state. That would presumably free up >£1000pcm which is an enormous sum of money.

Selling the second house would crystallise the loss but also you don't have any actual cash so the cashflow problem already exists, and if it's barely washing its face then that picture isn't likely to improve hugely in the next few years, I don't think. It would be different if you were talking about 10+ years time.

Can you and kids (or him) move to the rental and sell the family home and split the equity on a pro rata basis.

How old are the kids? If your salary pays for a ‘certain lifestyle’ can you cut back on spending and start saving a bit?

It sounds like you will have to compromise on something. At the moment you sound like you are compromising on your mental health/happiness by continuing with the marriage. If you divorce (and re prioritise that) something else will have to give, and it sounds like the private school fees and the family home are the only two realistic options.

your other choice is to gut it out until Sen DC is old enough to not need a nanny or other DC transitions naturally to another school, at which point that DC could go into a state school.

in the meantime you could reorganize your bills etc so that (D)H cant shaft you on that at the drop of a hat, and start saving money privately and stop subsidising (D)H so he has to live within his means, at which point maybe he will try and earn more money

who ever said, you cant have it all, was correct.

From what I can see you’ve been living with one big problem (the husband) for such a long time you’re used to it, and so the reality of ditching that one problem (or at least not having to live with it anymore) isn’t yet eclipsed in your head by the brand new scary problems it would create.

I think it’s trying to get to a place where you can accept the new problems you’ll have to live with if you think ultimately you’ll be happier without the husband problem, and just get the ball rolling.

Unfortunately you don’t have a great deal of good options - just a lot of least bad ones. You can’t have the lovely house, nanny and private school but which will have to go first? It sounds like you’ve accepted it’s the house which is probably your only option. If you can’t afford it there’s not much else you can do - there’s no magic solution or you’d have thought of it. Unless there’s enough “lifestyle” stuff you can cut - like literally every none essential purchase, sell all the fancy stuff on eBay or Vinted etc, but only you know how much that might realistically save you. Sometimes the little purchases add up to a lot though.

If the nanny lets you work that’s the priority to keep at least for now - you could look for part time work but does that work out better long term? Does he cover any of those costs? Won’t he keep doing that? Same for school fees?

I think your other child would probably accept losing the house over school in the end and ultimately it’s just not their choice to make. It is shitty to see your parents split up but sometimes it’s the only option.

Selling the rental soon would probably be best as it’s another potential headache but not necessarily a priority if it’s not losing money. How quickly might either house sell? How long is the tenancy? Would it sell with tenants in situ or do you need to give notice?

If he’ll cancel the direct debits you can just pre-empt that and get onto switching them into your name asap. Figure out what you need to do to make that happen - if they’re in his name but you still live there, what paperwork do you need to fill out to switch it all back to you?

Good luck. It sounds like he’s an awful prick but if at least he’s an ok-ish dad then maybe if you just can get him out of the house you’ll be happier. Does he have anywhere to go?

You will need to budget for a good lawyer.

But perhaps

Keep the rental in trust for your kids, using any rental money to cover that building’s costs and if any “profit” it could be split into separate account split between children, so towards private school for one and nanny/SEN costs for the other. Neither parent has any claim on this money or building.

And then sell the family home - split equity and each buy what you can afford to be able to house you and the two children.

I think if you want to absolutely keep private school and nanny you have to give up the house.
Is a different house without H in it worth the peace?

Then there is the conversation of who has the children and child maintenance/costs.

At least you won’t be buying his wardrobe anymore or dealing with his bitterness towards the world.

Step one - create a spreadsheet with all your outgoings, debts, income and assets. Consider what this will look like without your husband's income.

Step two - see a solicitor who can talk you through your options. The division of assets might not be what you expect.

Some of the decisions will be made around who will be taking care of the kids.

I would:
Keep the rental property which is generating a net income.
Sell the main property and buy a smaller place.
Move your child to a decent state school.
Keep the nanny, and look at other full time child care arrangements.

See a solicitor- go with the numbers, facts and see what they say? Can you afford to live separately for n current property? One move into the rental ?

Are you claiming DLA for your child?

Could you take them out of their private schools? Would that not free up some money?

Yes though that barely covers anything

I could. But where we live it would be a big shock to the system for the one child (other child is in special needs school). Also he only just started in year 7 having done a big 11+ hoo-ha so it just feels so mean to move him. I know I might have to. I guess on this it's about me not feeling like a failure. I went to a really run down inner city school and always wanted my kids to go to lovely schools with playing fields and things, it's been literally my main motivation in adult life to have a good job so they can have the life I would have wanted.

That said

If we literally lived in a 2 bed flat both kids could share a room and then I could afford school + childcare.

I'm aware nanny sounds like a massive luxury for only the most privileged but for SEN parents most of the time it's either have a nanny or one parent doesn't work as there just isn't anything else in the way of care for after school and holidays.

I under you want better for your children than you had but they deserve to live in a happy household with you.

There's nothing wrong with either living in a 2 bedroom flat 'or' using state school. Either and both are fine for millions of children and it's just going to come down to which option is the least difficult for you. Personally I'd say the private school would go first, but that's just me.

Running two households is always going to be more expensive than running one household - ask any single parent. It's a major reason my husband and I are still together, if the finances were easier to sort out we probably would have parted ways years ago. But we aren't abusive and I'm not scared of him, we just grew apart and decided to work on it and stay in the house we can just about afford. It doesn't seem like an option for you to cope for the next 6 years so you'll need to sacrifice something. I'd speak to a lawyer asap as you have vastly different incomes so that will affect a lot of things.

Thos stood out to me, @blanketyblankz
t's been literally my main motivation in adult life to have a good job so they can have the life I would have wanted

Thats about what you wanted as a child.

What is, actually, best for the children you have?

Living with a hairtrigger father who intermittently bullies them isn't a good childhood. Less material things but more emotional safety might be better in the long run.

Mind you, miserably hunting up the cost of an hour's heating in the evening and going hungry absolutely sucks, Ill admit. But it doesnt sound like you'd have to go that far.

Really good point. I'd never thought about it like that.

I'm sorry OP, I genuinely think you need to stop saying I don't want (whatever it is you don't want to change). When divorcing, your life and circumstances will change. Accepting change will make it easier. You obviously have a good career, with good money. If you downsize, you will have less outgoings. You won't always have to be in a smaller place. The school fees, I think you'll need to really consider if you can continue to do this. Also, it sounds like your H is like my exH - I had to accept that I would need to push through the divorce, and work hard to make the life that I wanted my kids to have. Assume he won't put the kids first, then go from there.

I am so sorry that you are facing this.

It seems unlikely you will get to keep both the private schooling and the house you live in.
So which are you prepared to let go?

The nanny is what enables you to work, so keep her.
The rental property could be a bargaining chip.

As others have said, get all the figure together, including your and his pensions, and take it to a solicitor who specialises in divorce.

Are those the only options? Are there places you could move within say a 30-40 minute radius where you could still get to work, your other son to their SEN school and they wouldn't have to go to an inner city comp?

I only ask because my parents definitely couldn't afford private school but could afford to take on a bigger mortgage associated with the catchment for a decent school. So my school had playing fields and a school theatre show and took us to swimming galas so on (though no actual school theatre or swimming pool like the private school nearby).

Might be hopeless - there might not be places with spaces, but there is a demographic dip which started probably just around your son's age, so might not be one to write off without checking first?

Have you explored whether your son might be eligible for help with school fees? Any other family members who might be willing and able to help? Could you nanny-share with another family (realise this might be impossible with SEND)? See a solicitor to get a better idea of how things could be split. Decide which things you are prepared to change to make a happy and healthy life for yourself and your DC.

In these financial equations.. You say your DH earns less and you are the main breadwinner and pay all the bills.

How much does he contribute in terms of salary percentage (No need to give the figures or say on here, just asking for you to consider) .

If you split, would he have to pay for his own wardrobe and other luxuries and that money could go towards some of your other costs.

I think it may be spreadsheet time.. and also consider moving slightly out of your current area but still accessible.

Would your other son, having passed 11 plus etc.. be eligible for a state grammar or similar?

Theres quite a few things to untangle.. I think go through them bit by bit and don't rule anything out just yet.

I felt sad for your sons when you said he mainly just sits and watches TV with them and they love him. Maybe if he was co-parenting... he'd have to be a more active parent. Plus he cheated before there's no ruling out that he won't do that again, whilst you are bankrolling him.

I think that your house is just that, a house. You can move with the kids to a new place and make it a lovely home for the three of you. All change is a bit scary but it's very dramatic to say the kids would never forgive you. Of course they will - children move house and survive it! The benefits of having a mum who is happier and peaceful home outweigh the difficulties. Don't stay with him and fester. Bite the bullet and sort out the separation.