Leaving horrid husband, help me get my ducks in a row - how do I do it

[blanketyblankz]

I want to end my marriage. My husband is a prick. Low level abusive, nothing physical, a bully mostly to me and sometimes to the kids. Hates everyone, doesn't have any friends or a social life. Doesn't like me seeing my family, doesn't like me and the kids having hobbies but doesn't have any himself. I plan all activities and holidays me and the kids and don't include him as he prefers to be left alone so he can lie on the sofa all day and scroll on his phone and moans if he 'has' to come along. I woke up one morning and realised he's just turned into a miserable, miserly old man and I'm done. I could go on and on but it's not the point of the post.

My challenge is our finances are a total mess and I keep staying in the hope I can earn us out of this black hole we're in. I'm hoping if I state the facts someone can help me see the wood through the trees.

We have two houses (a second property bought as an investment). Both mortgaged. Main family home decent equity. Rental not negative equity but if we sell it we wouldn't get back what we'd spent buying and renovating it so would effectively crystallize a loss. Main family home I love love love and would not want to leave but couldn't afford the mortgage alone. Rental covers the mortgage and incidentals though don't make a profit from it.

We both work full time and have 2 kids, one child with SEN. Because of this we employ a nanny as because of his needs he can't go to holiday clubs or after school / wraparound care. We have looked extensively for other options but they just do not exist where we are and the ones social services have sent me are like 2 hours 3 times a week - basically not enough that I could continue to work.

Other child in private school. I really don't want to disrupt his education.

My job pays well and I love my career. But between my job and husband's we only just cover all the bills each month as the cost of private school + mortgage + nanny. Zero savings as these have been plundered over the years every time SEN child has needed additional therapies or equipment and endless court cases and legal fees.

So.

I have thought about literally just changing the locks. But of course it's half his house so not really legal. And I know he won't play nicely. The household bills are paid by direct debit from his account (I transfer money to his account each month to cover most of this) and he would 100% just stop the direct debits and leave me to pick up the pieces.

Neither of our salaries would cover all the outgoings alone.

I've thought about just quitting my job (then could reduce nanny) but with no savings how would we eat and I really want to let my one child continue in his school.

Any job which would allow me to work flexibly from home realistically would allow me to not have a nanny but wouldn't pay enough to cover the massive mortgages and school fees. I have looked into this option also. Ironically husband not paid as much so he could work part time and the pay cut he'd take would basically net off what we pay our nanny (allowing for paying a gross salary out of a net salary) but he doesn't want to for his mental health. He thinks it's beneath him basically.

All I can think of is - sell both houses, buy two much smaller cheaper properties / flats to massively reduce mortgages so we can afford school fees. Keep childcare to allow work. Basically there's no way for me to keep our lovely home is there? I feel like the kids will never forgive me. They have no idea how bad things are as I protect them from arguments and mostly we live as a 3, but when they do spend time with their dad (mostly watching telly together whilst I do housework) they do love him.

I know women for a thousand years have left horrible husbands but I just have no idea how I can make it work.

Sorry it's a long post. And I know we got ourselves in just a total mess of relying on big salaries and maxing out but this is where we are.

Go over to the relationships board. There is so much excellent advice on those threads. It is well worth reading.

I do think divorce affects children, no matter how much people skate over that nowadays.

But also, children do do better, are far more settled and happy once the dust has settled, when their mum is happy. The keys to them thriving appear to be a far better general atmosphere at home afterwards and one parent not badmouthing the other.

Ah yes the bankrolling the bit on the side. When I caught him before it was because he was sufficiently stupid he'd paid for dates and hotels on the credit card I pay. Years back, water under the bridge but god the stupidity of men.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I kind of assume I'd have to pay HIM alimony? As I gather it goes both ways in a divorce and he could argue his career didn't take off because he had to be present for the kids which would be a BIG FAT LIE but not one I can easily disprove.

Until a few years ago I was in a marriage with a lot of similarities to yours, and after trying to make it work for a long time (just me trying) I realised I had to get out for my sake and for the kids.

But to achieve that, something had to give. And it was my beautiful house and garden that I had spent a small fortune doing up.

I still miss it, BUT, me and the DC (one with SEN at private school) have adjusted well to our new life somewhere that I don't yet love quite so much but where we are much, much happier. DC have blossomed away from their father's miserable negative demeanour, and I am re-discovering who I was before I married him.

I was the main breadwinner but now can't work such long hours because of needing/wanting to be there for the DC, and what I do have goes on school...but our more modest life is just wonderful compared to what it was before.

So try to focus on what you'll be gaining rather than what you'll lose, nothing compares to my DC telling me how happy they are now and seeing how well they are doing. And friends tell me I look better and more relaxed than I have in years.

Re your finances, work out which is the best option and do that; but as well as money, factor in the benefit of being free of your XH...if keeping one of the properties keeps you tied to him (and he's not going to play nice by the sound of it) then get shot of both of them and start again.

All the best love, and from someone who's stood where you are standing...just get on with it, you won't look back I promise!

Such a helpful comment thank you x

Just on this - might be worth googling/searching mumsnet for other people's experiences on this as you are absolutely not the only person whose been in this position, you might have more proof than you remember, ive seen threads similar in the past!

You're very welcome @blanketyblankz it's scary to contemplate throwing everything up in the air, and at points during the process I did wonder if I was losing my mind (but never that I'd made the wrong decision), but if the goal is a happier and more peaceful family - you and the DC - then do everything you can to get there.

I used to earn a lot of money, but I'm much richer now 😊

They have no idea how bad things are as I protect them from arguments and mostly we live as a 3,

Stop doing that for a start. It doesn't work and you'll burn yourself out in the process.

Ask on the Legal board OP, but I'm pretty sure alimony isn't a thing in Britain. It's CMS payments for the person who has the DC more based on what % of the time they are with them.

I have spoken to a divorce lawyer before. She sort of said everything would be pooled and split down the middle, then weighted to who had the kids most if I recall correctly. He decided we should try and make it work at the time, made an effort for about 2 months, then it all went down the pan again.

The challenge is him making an effort is fundamentally just him masking how unhappy he is so it never sticks. He's disappointed in our SEN child as he'd wanted his kids to go to Cambridge like he did and he's ashamed with all his successful mates who have successful kids with Cello scholarships to Eton and our kid can barely talk and has tics and stuff (NB: my SEN child is AMAZING and I love every second in his company... it's a big rift between us as candidly if husband could send him back for a refund, he would). He's disappointed with his posh degree he never got promoted above middle management. Disappointed his wife doesn't want to be a tradwife (plot twist: he'd have also been disappointed if I did!). Disappointed he hasn't achieved what he wanted. Ashamed to be living off his wife's earnings but doesn't want to be without them either.

I feel bad for him but I have realised I can't change him. He was too brainwashed in posh schools as a kid that success looks a certain way, and because he didn't achieve these things he's decided to sit on the sofa and fester away for the rest of his life and hate everyone.

I've given him an ultimatum 3 times in 2 years that he MUST do therapy but he won't.

I honestly think the only thing that will help is losing his family which is his last bit of pride and then he can rebuild from the ground up and maybe find his own happiness.

Have you worked out if he would be interested in, or capable of, co-parenting?

Yes. I think he would. And I honestly think he will step up, pull himself together, realize what he's lost. Probably get a new partner and be nice to her, get some therapy, engage in wanting to be a better man and basically give things a better go second time round. But as long as we're together I'm enabling him and he'll never change. We'll be like The Twits, in our 70s living in an empty house just hating each other.

Yep that's broadly how it works - and the kids' needs take priority so if you're the one who has them most of the time (and it sounds like you will be, happily so) then the split is likely to go in your favour. ie if a 50/50 split is enough for the kids' needs to be met whoever they are with, then it's likely to be 50/50. If there isn't enough in the pot (both houses/pensions/other assets) for that to work, then the bigger slice goes with the kids, wherever they go.

I wouldn't give him another chance, you've tried enough (I did too) and he's done nothing about it. Get yourself a good solicitor, get the properties valued so you can work out what to do with them and make a start on your new life.

If you sell the second house and used half the proceeds towards buying him out of your marital home, would you be able to manage the mortgage?

Also worth considering that bringing up kids in a miserable marriage is probably more damaging than moving schools.

Honestly I hadn't really thought of that. That's a very good idea.

Life's going to change after you split you will have to cut something out somewhere and it seems like the private school is the answer theirs nothing wrong with state schools it's a luxury you have to consider cutting , it sounds like you are managing most of the bills aswell

OP, are you prepared to have your DC only 50% of the time? The presumption these days is that’s what will happen, unless you and DH come to some other arrangement. I’ve seen DC caught in the fall-out of divorce, where Dad doesn’t really want them, but has them in order not to have to pay maintenance. You say you’re the higher earner, so yes, you might have to pay DH - how are you going to make things work for the DC?

But a divorce would be the final nail of accepting his failure so he won't.

And yet he will have to, because as you have correctly surmised, this is the only option left.

All that remains is: when are you going to contact that divorce lawyer again? I suggest tomorrow.

Re the schools... I don't know if this would help your calculations.

You said year 7... so that's partially paid up... you could go with the option to pay for five years (or 4.5 years) yrs 7-11 up to GCSE... then enroll him in a sixth form college.. . for A levels...
A lot of these have great reputations, and are seen as a bridging gap between School and Uni in terms of becoming more independent. And they do tend to have kids joining from private school, so he wouldn't necessarily be the odd one out. The entire organisation is geared just to sixth form, and focusing on the next stage.

The only downside might be if he really wanted to stay in the school sixth form. But circumstances might be different then. If you did go for that you'd need to watch the application deadlines carefully.. like two years before start date.

Would you have any grandparent support?
Potential for scholarship/bursary?

Spreadsheet time.

I'd also consider if DH was co-parenting if that would allow you to focus more on your career?

Purely on a practical note I would do the following:

log his temper and behaviour and the resulting impact on the kids and yourself with the GP, build a pattern of behaviour that show he is coercive (if he is or something you need to tip toe around) you have indicated he explodes ? Do you feel safe?
reduce your earnings- use the genuine reason as supporting your Sen child and let the nanny go if you can
the court will look at the money in for the previous 12 months and potential
if you are the bigger earner and have a bigger pension he may get a share

start point is 50/50 of child care and all assets

the total equity in both properties sell them both and split them 50/50 does moving slightly help in terms of cost. Private school might not be viable.

You could consider asking him to go to relate or marriage counselling with the end goal of an amicable split

private school also can apply for a bursary if finances change

Oh I hadn't thought of the bursary thing. Like if we get divorced I can say to school circumstances have changed can you help us out. Great idea.

Surely no one does the 50/50 thing any more? I think the idea of poor kids schlepping from one house to another and living from suitcases is monstrous. I'd be happy for him to see them whenever but my expectation would absolutely be I'd be the main parent and he'd have like every other weekend.

Just to say thanks everyone for the warm encouraging messages. And some genuinely out of the box thinking about a problem I had seen as impossible to crack. We're currently in our second week of silent treatment over some supposed slight so it's great to have something to focus on. I like to have a good practical plan.

I agree. Because if it isn't financially feasible to keep your nice house and carry on with the private school then choices will need to be made however painful.

The silent treatment is active abuse and recognised as such, now.