Leaving horrid husband, help me get my ducks in a row - how do I do it

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I want to end my marriage. My husband is a prick. Low level abusive, nothing physical, a bully mostly to me and sometimes to the kids. Hates everyone, doesn't have any friends or a social life. Doesn't like me seeing my family, doesn't like me and the kids having hobbies but doesn't have any himself. I plan all activities and holidays me and the kids and don't include him as he prefers to be left alone so he can lie on the sofa all day and scroll on his phone and moans if he 'has' to come along. I woke up one morning and realised he's just turned into a miserable, miserly old man and I'm done. I could go on and on but it's not the point of the post.

My challenge is our finances are a total mess and I keep staying in the hope I can earn us out of this black hole we're in. I'm hoping if I state the facts someone can help me see the wood through the trees.

We have two houses (a second property bought as an investment). Both mortgaged. Main family home decent equity. Rental not negative equity but if we sell it we wouldn't get back what we'd spent buying and renovating it so would effectively crystallize a loss. Main family home I love love love and would not want to leave but couldn't afford the mortgage alone. Rental covers the mortgage and incidentals though don't make a profit from it.

We both work full time and have 2 kids, one child with SEN. Because of this we employ a nanny as because of his needs he can't go to holiday clubs or after school / wraparound care. We have looked extensively for other options but they just do not exist where we are and the ones social services have sent me are like 2 hours 3 times a week - basically not enough that I could continue to work.

Other child in private school. I really don't want to disrupt his education.

My job pays well and I love my career. But between my job and husband's we only just cover all the bills each month as the cost of private school + mortgage + nanny. Zero savings as these have been plundered over the years every time SEN child has needed additional therapies or equipment and endless court cases and legal fees.

So.

I have thought about literally just changing the locks. But of course it's half his house so not really legal. And I know he won't play nicely. The household bills are paid by direct debit from his account (I transfer money to his account each month to cover most of this) and he would 100% just stop the direct debits and leave me to pick up the pieces.

Neither of our salaries would cover all the outgoings alone.

I've thought about just quitting my job (then could reduce nanny) but with no savings how would we eat and I really want to let my one child continue in his school.

Any job which would allow me to work flexibly from home realistically would allow me to not have a nanny but wouldn't pay enough to cover the massive mortgages and school fees. I have looked into this option also. Ironically husband not paid as much so he could work part time and the pay cut he'd take would basically net off what we pay our nanny (allowing for paying a gross salary out of a net salary) but he doesn't want to for his mental health. He thinks it's beneath him basically.

All I can think of is - sell both houses, buy two much smaller cheaper properties / flats to massively reduce mortgages so we can afford school fees. Keep childcare to allow work. Basically there's no way for me to keep our lovely home is there? I feel like the kids will never forgive me. They have no idea how bad things are as I protect them from arguments and mostly we live as a 3, but when they do spend time with their dad (mostly watching telly together whilst I do housework) they do love him.

I know women for a thousand years have left horrible husbands but I just have no idea how I can make it work.

Sorry it's a long post. And I know we got ourselves in just a total mess of relying on big salaries and maxing out but this is where we are.

you obviously know your children best but to me having to share a room would have been worse for me as a kid than moving schools. I’m not sure if the SEN affect sleep either (I know some kids it really does).

You do have options at least. Definitely worth seeing if you can buy him out of the house by selling the second one. And exploring bursary options.

keeps your cards close to your chest and grey rock him in the meantime.

I know houses matter- particularly if you are emotionally attached but I think you would be so much happier in a small house of your own where you can manage things as you want them. This situation just doesn’t sound sustainable for you. Sending courage.

Everyone I know who split up does 50/50. I think that’s the assumption as a starting point for most divorces unless there’s something really bad going on or one parent refuses.

d'you hammer your own nails into your palms too?

The starting point is 50:50. I don’t know many that aren’t on a 50:50 split tbh. However, given your child as additional needs I wonder would the court consider it to be in their best interest to have a split more in your favour to minimise change in the week? Disclaimer - IANAL

He was too brainwashed in posh schools as a kid that success looks a certain way,

This is really interesting for me that this is what your husband got out of private school, but you are also still determined to try and have that for your child.

Obviously not everyone who goes to private school will think this way, but I think there is that sort of attitude attached to private education (I went to a private school myself, so am familiar with it), in that because your parents forked out all this money, you need to show you've achieved something. But some people just aren't academic.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic, but I guess what I'm saying is there is a risk that your child won't get out of it what you're hoping they will.

Moving to a smaller house, in the catchment for a decent state school but keeping the nanny would probably be my choice, given your circumstances. Staying with your husband and slowly watching your life pass by would be my last choice I think. Especially as your kids will pick up on his behaviour as they get older and may even start to mimic it.

I don’t know why my reply was deleted? I certainly didn’t mean it to be offensive? I said I (as in me, not necessarily you) would stay for the sake of the kids. Surely that’s what lots of women do? I am genuinely confused why that would get deleted, can someone tell me why? I didn’t mean any harm at all 😞

Oh gosh ok the only people I know who are divorced the kids mostly live with mum with dad on some weekends and half school holidays. I'd assumed that was the standard.

I'm going to have to hope soon to be ex would consider it a real imposition to have to solo parent for half the time forever. I don't think he'd know where to start. I mean he knows they need feeding and stuff. And he definitely loves them. But doesn't know where to get their school uniform from, how to book parents' evening, what their shoe size is, who likes mushrooms but dislikes broccoli this week etc.

Funny I realised that after I'd typed it. I think schools are in general different to how they were 30 years ago and also the school my son goes to is very much not that type of school.

To be fair husband more brainwashed by his mother who is rather poisonous and was desperate to live out her own ambitions through her children. Husband definitely allows her to to think he's the breadwinner and refers to 'his' houses and 'his' car and 'oh the mrs is off spending all my money again har har'. She believes it obviously. Guess when we divorce he'll spin some story about me taking him to the cleaners (I won't even if I could which I don't think I can). Oh well.

Just a thought but if both he and MIL are besotted by the idea of private schools, they might even insist on paying?

Yeah I've heard that though it's a bit surprising I guess. It's how his whole family are, they are always blanking each other and frosting one another out. It's pretty vile. But I dunno I prefer it to temper to be honest. Leaves me free to read a book in peace and quiet or hang out with the kids who I love to bits.

Ah I need to be fair on that one - I'd said further up the chain but I had a horrible time in school, went to a very run down inner city school with lots of violence etc and always thought one day I'm going to leave this place and I'm going to get a job and I will NEVER go back and I'm going to send my kids to schools with playing fields and horses and lakes. So it's fair to say I'm pretty invested in the school thing, though not for the social conditioning reasons (being around the 'right' people) my husband and his parents are. For me it's just about my child getting to be in lovely surroundings.

I had a horrible time in school, went to a very run down inner city school with lots of violence etc.

I think schools are in general different to how they were 30 years ago and also the school my son goes to is very much not that type of school.

You could perhaps send your son to a state school that is very much not the type of school that you went to, which should be easy as schools are in general different to how they were 30 years ago?

Assuming you are genuine, I'll bite.

Saying that "you'd stay for the children's sake but that's just you" implies that the OP doesn't care enough about her children. Unpleasant.

it also ignored the fact that the father dislikes the children having hobbies, treats everyone to the silent treatment (into the 2nd week of it now), that the father doesn't want the second, SEN child (do you really think the child doesn't pick that up?), doesn't do much with the children except watch telly anyway .... Has a very very thin skin with an explosive hair trigger temper (so the children are walking on eggshells the whole time) and is a bitter, disappointed man who's taking it out on the children anyway. And he cheats.

If you really think that it's in the best interest of the children to be with an angry and explosive man who doesn't want the second child anyway and treats them all to the silent treatment, you have a mistaken idea of what good parenting is.

Choosing deliberately to stay with a man like that, who resents his wife's success and neither likes her, is just martyrdom and more than that, it's counterproductive to the well being of the children.

So yes, saying that you'd stay with a man like that for the children's sake but that's just you came over as snide, superior and unpleasant. You may not have meant it that way, but if you didn't then it's an idea to consider how you phrase things.

That’s not where I was coming from at all, and I am genuine.
My point was, there is so much to lose, a child’s education, their stability, a career that obviously took a lot of effort to build, a SEN child who probably needs stability, my point was that I (not you, just me) would suffer if it meant stability could be maintained for my children for long enough for them to get more able to cope with a split.

i wasn’t inferring that OP didn’t care enough, i was saying that I would sacrifice my own wellbeing to keep my children in a stable home. I’m not saying that’s the right thing to do, or if OP should indeed do that. I’m sorry if I offended anyone, it was absolutely not my intention.

but thank you for pointing it out to me. All noted.

Ok, tbh, I thought you were one of the people who post simply to put the boot in, and you've explained where you were coming from in a much more understandable way. Thank you.

Personally, having 'stayed for the children' at enormous expense to myself and actually, the children being happier once we separated, I think that depending on the family it can be far better to separate earlier than later. When your ex-MiL tells you "you are both better parents apart than together" you know that it was the right decision.

The OP has a very good head on her shoulders and can assess the situation well. That's what's necessary now - the right decision for her, and her children. As she says, they're basically a family of three anyway.

Would your DH be inclined to want full custody of the children or at least 75:25 primary care? They way you describe him makes me wonder if he'd use them to gain financial control so you'd end up working your arse off and paying him CMS so he can maintain his part-time lifestyle?!
Remember, the courts favour the routine of what is established for the best interests of the children, not what works best for you. Remember that and make sure you have really thought about and put in place what secures yours and your children's future moving forwards

I’d honestly encourage you to rip off the bandaid. It’s going to be hard - but you will come out the other side. Staying is hard - and stays hard because he will likely just get worse and worse.
See a solicitor with all of your financial information and get an initial view on what you’re likely to come out with.
When is the next juncture when the child who is at private school could switch into
state? (Eg age 7/11/16). Aim for that.
Sell both properties and rent initially while you settle into the transition to being separated then divorced. You can buy something with your half of the equity once you’re on the flip side of it all.
Good luck with it all. Sending you courage.

Cheers but i’m not here for judgement about my education choices. The local comps round me are way too close to my old school for me to want that for my kid

Well update last night - I cornered him to make him speak to me. Seems he’s decided that for him the latest infraction (me expressing to him, gently, that his temper is a problem for the whole family) is the final straw and he also wants to split.

I think he’s saying this to hurt me because he wants me to beg to stay but… well here we are. He’s cancelled our holiday (annoying as i paid for it and i’d have happily gone solo with kids!) The discussion has been had and ended with an outcome other than him either screaming and slamming doors or tearfully promising change. Just an acceptance both sides this isn’t working.

He cancelled the holiday you paid for? This man is vile.

I don’t see how staying in a miserable, low level abusive relationship where he is bullying both OP and the kids is in any way a good idea.

Ah yes. Having felt last night like ‘that went as well as could be expected’ and this morning he seemed polite enough he’s now sent a flurry of emails moving every bill into my name, serving notice on school etc. argh. He has a very spiteful side.

I’m not judging you for wanting to send your kids to a private school; just encouraging you to follow your own logic when making difficult decisions about what might need to give.

ETA: I see things have now moved on dramatically. I’m glad you’ll be getting away from him and I’m sorry he’ll be making it as difficult as possible.