‘Privileged’ but not entirely by choice

[clearlysunshine]

Posting here because it’s not something I’d really discuss openly with friends, and I’m very aware that I’m in a privileged position in lots of ways.

DH has a big job which involves a lot of travel. When he’s here, he does what he can around work — he’s usually up and out before the kids and I get up and back around bedtime, but he leaves early one day to take DS to a midweek club and picks DD up from hers once a week.
Grandparents are elderly on both sides, so we don’t have family help. The kids are at an independent school and the logistics are pretty full-on — different finishing times, activities, school events, holidays etc. There always seems to be something.
Before having children I also had a “big” job involving a lot of travel, which I gave up when we had them because realistically there was nobody else to look after them. The difficulty is that my industry is notoriously badly paid despite the level of responsibility, so going back to my old career while paying for the amount of childcare we’d need makes very little financial sense. We can live comfortably on DH’s salary, so there isn’t a financial necessity for me to work either.
Most of the families I know where both parents have demanding full-time careers either have a nanny or very involved grandparents, neither of which we have.

I suppose I’m wondering whether anyone else has found themselves in a similar position? I sometimes feel quite conflicted about having given up a career I worked hard for, while at the same time I can’t quite see how two big careers actually work with children unless you have significant help. I’d be interested to hear how others in a similar situation have navigated it.

@BlettingMyMedlarsJust as “privilege” is subjective, so is what we find pitiable. You’d have chosen your career over having children if it had come down to it; I wouldn’t have.

Then why did you have children? I never understand people who have kids, and then resent needing to put in the work of actually raising them, and want to pop them in daycare five days a week because they value a job more than the literal small people they created. They're not houseplants, or dogs - they do need actual intensive parenting when they're little if you want them to grow and develop to their full potential.

So why bother even having them, if you're just going to resent the job of being a parent? Wouldn't it be far better to just keep going as you were, and enjoy your career, partner, and the freedom of being child free? It makes no sense.

Well a lot of people can only cover their bills with both people working full time, some firms and industries won’t accept PT, and some women don’t realise what they’re getting into/the pregnancy as acccidental that kind of thing. we’re always pretending women can have it all on the big screen etc.

@OtterlyAstounding I don’t resent being a parent at all! That was the whole point of my post- I feel privileged to be able to bring them up and not have to go back to work or worry about finances. But yes I would’ve liked to have gone back to my job part time and still been able to be there for pick ups and drop offs and have the flexibility to attend all their school events or have grandparents who were fit enough to help out and cover some of the wrap around care but as it’s turned out neither of those are options for us. We could’ve employed a nanny so that I could’ve gone back to my job but that’s not something I ever wanted for my family

And while sometimes I do want more for me and feel a little unfulfilled, being there for the kids trumps all of that for me. I find the housework and domestic side of things boring and dull but I absolutely love being there for the kids

This is our scenario currently. Though slightly different as lack of childcare options for my son is a big driving point.

We were both high earners. I took time out 10 years ago after our 3rd child with the intention to go back when he went to school. Then the 4th child came along. No drama we were fine. Then the 5th last year.

However it’s the lack of childcare for our 3rd child now keeps us in our situation. Both of us would work away for periods of time. Between us there wouldn’t be enough holiday to cover all the holiday terms and his random inset days.

Our boy is in an independent school but it’s a specialist with a full time 1:1. Sometimes 2 members of staff. Which sadly isn’t something replicated in childcare options.

lack of family support surrounding him doesn’t help. though they are very quick to judge our lifestyle.

I have decided to retrain to work in a school. It works for us but not financial reasons as we are living comfortably and haven’t had to make any cutbacks over the years. It’s Mostly for my own sanity now.

Our set up does works for us though, 4 children in 4 schools (though one is now at university) plus the baby home. Clubs and well everything is scheduled in our home.

I was a teacher when my kids were young and after child care was taken from my pay packet i had £56 pounds left

i worked in a high stress long hours job i thought at the time i was keeping my career going

wish i hadn't nit worth it

^ this.
And what has surprised me is that now they are older, thread need me just as much, albeit in different ways.
Between 2 dc, one still in education which requires a decent commute, and 3 elderly parents needing much more input, I don't really have loads of "spare" time.
It's pretty tiring. But I'd do the same again.

We have 2 big jobs. We have no other family in this country at all and it was a HUGE stress raising 2 kids with 2 jobs. No nanny or au pairs either. So I hear you completely. I never considered stepping away from my career - it was never an option I even thought about. However I did go part time 3 or 4 days at varying periods for around 10 years which helped enormously. It did mean my career stalled but didn’t go backwards. On paper the part time isn’t visible. I also took 15 months mat leave each time. So I stepped back for various period but never stepped out. Pre-Covid was very hard with 2 jobs in the office, school and nursery pick up. But I was fortunate that I somehow negotiated working from home couple of days and so did my husband. Between us we did the dance of who will be where each day. And in extreme moments relied on friends for a very rare time when we could not do it ourselves. Post Covid has been much much easier - also the kids are older.

It’s been a slog and I sometimes regret the toll it’s taken on our health and in some minor ways the kids. However my career progressed very well and my current job is very well paying and one in which I’ve managed to get back to full time employment.

It’s not easy and everyone makes different decisions. But to anyone that asks me I’d always advise stepping back over stepping away.

But I was fortunate that I somehow negotiated working from home couple of days and so did my husband. Between us we did the dance of who will be where each day

I think this is the nub of the OP’s point - many husbands in Big Jobs either can’t or won’t take on half the juggle, like yours did. In these cases, like hers, and mine, it isn’t really a true “choice” when the woman steps away - because the choice was between trying to juggle it all and likely burning out, or stopping.

I agree. If my DH were working away at an office 10-12 hours out of the house every day, I’d have struggled hugely. Then I would’ve had a nanny and spent a huge amount of money I guess?

Even when it’s five times the salary of the other? Because swapping roles makes a massive difference to finances. And life is expensive.

Nannies are so expensive that you need to both be on an extremely high wage to make it work. My previous line of work was well qualified but wouldnt make much more than we’d pay the nanny and be infinitely more stress.

Also some careers just dont have part time roles.

I agree. Sometimes you do just have to be selfless. You only have one life.

I think your set up can work well for some families. In our area it's not the norm - the vast majority of families have two working parents, and many of the women have equally 'big' jobs as the men - lots of engineers, doctors, academics etc. Visible signs of this are very high use of breakfast and after school clubs, and a lot of dads doing school drop off and pick up. I see the occasional grandparent but family help doesn't seem to be the norm for wrap around childcare. Not aware of any nannies.