‘Privileged’ but not entirely by choice

[clearlysunshine]

Posting here because it’s not something I’d really discuss openly with friends, and I’m very aware that I’m in a privileged position in lots of ways.

DH has a big job which involves a lot of travel. When he’s here, he does what he can around work — he’s usually up and out before the kids and I get up and back around bedtime, but he leaves early one day to take DS to a midweek club and picks DD up from hers once a week.
Grandparents are elderly on both sides, so we don’t have family help. The kids are at an independent school and the logistics are pretty full-on — different finishing times, activities, school events, holidays etc. There always seems to be something.
Before having children I also had a “big” job involving a lot of travel, which I gave up when we had them because realistically there was nobody else to look after them. The difficulty is that my industry is notoriously badly paid despite the level of responsibility, so going back to my old career while paying for the amount of childcare we’d need makes very little financial sense. We can live comfortably on DH’s salary, so there isn’t a financial necessity for me to work either.
Most of the families I know where both parents have demanding full-time careers either have a nanny or very involved grandparents, neither of which we have.

I suppose I’m wondering whether anyone else has found themselves in a similar position? I sometimes feel quite conflicted about having given up a career I worked hard for, while at the same time I can’t quite see how two big careers actually work with children unless you have significant help. I’d be interested to hear how others in a similar situation have navigated it.

I continued through the years when most of my salary went on childcare and holiday clubs. I am now reaping the reward for that as my career progressed and I have a large pension pot so I can be fully retired by 55.

We didn't have family help or a nanny, bar elderly MIL staying for a few days occasionally and only in term time so all she had to do was drop off and collect. We had military precision in our travel planning. I often said no to it, if it didn't work with my husband's job.

it is a bit lonely @clearlysunshine i was there for a bit too - I do think it’s impossible to have two cracking big jobs and children that you have a large influence on. I used to have a bitter hobby at looking at successful public figure women and figuring out which female family etc was stepping up. No family help options here either.

i do honestly think it’s a right v right dilemma - right to put your kids first, right to want something for yourself. I do think my kids - even at secondary age, always need that person who has time when they want to talk.

i’d setup a fund to do a masters or some sort of training to help you back to work when the time is right.

finances can change - that big job can face redundancy, the govt can whack taxes up. Pensions need both people investing in pots for tax efficiency. The high earner can get sick. All of these things have happened to us 😂 so I’m glad that i kept going in a ticking over job.

I really feel for you and definitely think your husband is the privileged one but somehow it’s sold as the one “not having to work” (usually the woman) is “so lucky”.

I think all you can do is keep an eye on career side steps that could work, how your husband could side step into a less intense role, making sure you have pensions etc in your name. Basically trying to future proof as much as possible.

Im in a slightly different position where I ended up in a niche position with a share in a business when I had DC.. that business failed just as I needed to be around for youngest DC and I ended up in a wfh part time role (not well paid needless to say!). Very very lucky to have it and there are progression opportunities but I do feel I’ve wasted my degree and opportunities to some extent. DPs career (also not well paid but full on!) carries on with me taking the vast share of home stuff.

ive also seen similar play out in peers with 2 doctor friends giving it up in favour of being teaching assistants to have something to do.

This sounds hopeful. I obviously don’t know the details of your old career but are there education-based ways you could stay very loosely connected for some fulfilment and something to put on your CV. For example, mentoring students interested in the area, maybe connecting with academics of the subject and working out projects such as workshops or interviewing those involved for a research project. It’s presumably not exactly what you did or would want to do, but there could be something there that gives you a broad connection and more varied perspective on it for if and when you want to return on a more full time scale

This is an interesting post as I feel like I’m at the very early stages of a similar journey. I do currently still work but my career is currently not where I’d want it to be due to young DC and a husband who works very long, very unpredictable hours and therefore cannot be available to help. We also have no family help and I couldn’t have my little ones being raised by a Nanny, it would just seem so unfair.

You aren’t the only one who feels this way! It’s hard for people to understand if they don’t live this way, but the thought of no one being there for the kids when they need you because you’re both too busy working is why I have taken a step back.

You don’t, however, have to do nothing and achieve nothing over the next few years. You are lucky in the sense that, as long as it can fit around your family, you can carve a new path for yourself (or go back to an old one).

Good luck with figuring things out. I’m sure you’ll make the right decisions for yourself and your family.

I went part time for a while. That helped, because it kept me current in terms of skills and knowledge.

I think it entirely depends on your personality and what suits you. I’m in my early 50s and was the only person I knew who continued working full time (because I had a US manager who wouldn’t allow part time.)
I know peoplw who were happy sahms for several years (one permanently) - again, the man’s career was too big to allow him to do half so effectively their kids would have had no parents. Their careers weren’t so important to them that they merited the cost of childcare etc, that wouldn’t have been covered by their job. (Mine was.)
I wouldn’t have been happy at home because I was too career orientated. But this wasn’t something I knew before having children.

I guess what I’m saying is do what works for you, nothing is permanent, but ensure you are married so protected financially in the event of a split. It’s a bad idea to be a ln unmarried sahm.

This is a really nice and balanced post.

God I really can't stand the term 'big job', what even is a big job?!

I went part time. I keep my hand in but realistically my career is in maintenance mode..

My nursery fees have been more than my take home salary for the last 3 years which sounds mad doesn't it but realistically I want a career as they grow and I don't want to be a SAHM. Personally I'd lose my mind.

This is really interesting as very similar to us but we are in the very early stages with very young children/ babies. I also had a creative job with lots of expected travels that had a lot of responsibility but not great pay. My husband earns a huge salary so made sense for me to not go back to work. I miss the people and adult conversation and occasionally miss using my brain but the time with the children whilst small in invaluable and I feel very lucky to have the opportunity. I do always think that one day I will need to do something for me again. The big things that have made it work so far for me and my husband is monthly check ins to make sure we are both still happy and him paying into a pension and having 50% of savings and investments in my name for financial security. One of the things that I appreciate most is that I can get house stuff/ life admin done in the week so weekends are always quality family time which is so important when one parent travels so much.

I'm a sahm with a high earner DH. Our dcs are in a London prep and many parents there are in dual earner couples. It's unusual to have much family help (many are international families and don't have any relatives in the UK). About half of them have nannies. The school has good wraparound care but it doesn't help for overnight travel - you really need family or a nanny for that.

We're quite fortunate as DH has been able to opt out of overnight travel, although his role is senior with lots of responsibility. His work has a lot of flex so he can choose to wfh on almost any day with no notice, and we live close to his office, so he takes on a lot of responsibility for pickups (2 dcs and extracurriculars every day often means one parent picking up each child).

I previously worked in finance and I've been able to use my skills to maximise our investments, so that now I don't need to work to maintain an income, and we're financially secure. I don't plan to ever go back to a salaried role but I maintain a small company for a creative role, and I get satisfaction and recognition from that, though it's not something that brings in a lot of income. I am also busy with a distance learning degree (for a subject I love but notoriously difficult to get a job in) so that's something that I link to my self-identity and personal achievement, and I plan to progress to a PhD. I'd say that most mothers who have stepped back (and are in high earner households) have also carved out similar roles for themselves, doing something creative or in volunteering, and don't spend all their time keeping house or going to the gym.

There are a lot of demands on parents at independent schools, especially at prep level and I've been very happy to be able to support our dcs and glad I've not been in an role with rigid office hours. Eg this term we have a curriculum meeting x2, nativity/Christmas concert for each child, dance show for one dc, ballet show for each dc, football fixtures for one dc, orchestra concert for one dc, poetry recital for one dc, being a parent helper on class tripx2, 2 parent evenings. If you have flex, working parents attend some of these but usually not all, they just accept they'll not be able to attend everything. I often see nannies come to watch and film but really it's not the same - my dc's faces light up when they see me in the audience. I've been pleased that I've been able to attend everything and be able to schedule anything work-related around that.

Absolutely. I loved being a mother when my children were young, and found it incredibly fulfilling and important to be able to be present for them.

I don't understand people who talk about work as though it's always an essential part of 'fulfilling your potential' - for most people, work is just a job that you do in order to make money and survive, not some sacred vocation that completes you as a person. My children, my creative pursuits, my husband, my enjoyment of life - those are the things that matter.

But OP, why aren't you just doing what you want to do? Work or don't work - whatever makes you feel happier. I'm also not sure why you're privileged. Because your husband is well-paid?

I think what I was looking for was other people’s perspectives and experiences of being in a similar situation where the ‘choice’ of not working is more nuanced than simply deciding they’d rather not. It’s interesting that many posters have a similar set up and to read how people navigate this and how they feel about it.

Privilege means different things to different people I guess but yes I do feel very fortunate that we can live comfortably on one salary and I have the option to be there for my children as I know it’s not an option that everyone has

Thank you for your perspective. It sounds like we may have worked in similar industries!

Obviously not the point but you've watched 2 nativity/Christmas concert this week?? This seems odd 😂

@Purpleturtle45I agree the term ‘big job’ does sound a bit wanky! I mean the sort of role that is senior and comes with a lot of responsibility/demands

A senior position with lots of responsibility, usually long hours and usually well paid. I suppose 'big job' is just shorter. I once spoke to a guy who told me his wife had a 'little job' although you never hear it used much the other way around 😂

That would be odd in September! That's the lineup for the term as I said, with probably more events added through the term.

Oh i see - sorry, I misunderstood and was genuinely perplexed 😂

Some of the overwhelm is a self fulfilling prophecy.

For example , you’re worrying out how to drive your kids to their private school, different pick up times and get them to clubs etc.

If they were at the local state school they could walk or get a bus and manage their own schedule. Mine could walk home from year 5/6.

I have a friend who drives her teenage kids to a school miles away and therefore only has 10am-2pm free each day. She says she doesn’t have enough time to work; which maybe well be true in that situation but it’s entirely self chosen. My secondary age kids leave for school at 8:15 and return at 3:30-5:00 depending on what clubs they’re doing. That’s a full work day I have free (which still never feels like enough but that’s a separate topic!)

Fair enough. It just seems fairly simple to me! Either you feel you need to work in order to feel fulfilled as a person (in which case, who cares about it not making sense financially, as money isn't the reason you'd be going back), or you want to stay home with your children (in which case, enjoy it while it lasts - it goes by fast).

As for privilege - I stayed at home with my children when they were young despite my DH's job not being well-paid at the time and money being very tight, because I felt that being there for them in the most formative years of their life was more important than material wealth, and it was something I really wanted to do. Looking back nearly two decades later, I don't regret it at all. Was I privileged? Perhaps in that I knew what I wanted, I suppose.

You made a series of choices starting with having children that mean you are where you are now. Even if those choices didn’t seem so much a choice because the other options in your mind were really poor , they are still the choices you have made

if you could have everything exactly as you would like, life would be different but that’s just life - very few people are that lucky. And those that are are often just better at making their peace with their choices

you recognise there is a lot to be grateful for in your life

but as the children get older you probably will want something more, something different .

thats all ok. Its easy to get stuck - if you are thinking this way perhaps its time to reexamine things hugely

Respectfully, OP, I wouldn’t see you as privileged at all. It sounds as if you felt you had no choice to walk away from a job that you felt was incompatible with your husband’s travels, and raising children, purely because he earned more than you. That doesn’t look like privilege to me. That looks like an un-ideal, one-sided outcome for you.

When DH and were talking about having a child, in a not-dissimilar situation (we’d both started out in academia, but he’d immediately transferred into a lucrative industry and started massively outearning me) I made it clear that, if he wanted a child, he had to do it in the full knowledge that I would not be stepping back one iota in career terms, and that he would be doing his full quotient of sick days, after school pick-ups etc. And when it was clear that his then job was going to be incompatible with 50/50 parenting that he would have to move to something more family-friendly.

Being able to live comfortably on one salary is irrelevant to me. My work is too important to me.

@clearlysunshine completely agree it’s hard to discuss it with people- can feel a little like complaining your diamond shoes are too tight!

I stopped working earlier this year due to ill health and not being allowed to go part time for this reason. It was a six figure salary with a lot of pressure and it was damaging my health. We have one KS2 DC and they have some SEN and it felt like they weren’t getting the attention and support they needed from us so it came at the right time. Financially we are ok because DH earns three times what I did and we have always kept expenses low but I don’t know what to do next.

Admittedly self chosen as a PP said but we’ve moved DC to a new school which better supports their SEN but they have shorter wraparound hours that are less flexible and it’s further away from our house. DC is in yr5 so I know it’s not forever and at secondary they will go somewhere walking distance or with a school bus.

I have no idea what to do next. Very few interesting part time jobs that pay well are advertised, I miss the mental stimulation but if I’m honest I know I’m an unreliable employee due to disease flares and attending medical appointments on a regular basis.

DH is great- no pressure on me to work and values that I am handling all school runs and most of the house stuff but is happy to go back to an even split of this if I’m working- he’d never say my job is more important so you need to do school pick up for example.

sorry that was long!