Lost my temper with 3 yo at a toddler class

[overrst]

DD has had a thing for ages now where she will slam her whole body into mine. For example, if I’m sitting on the sofa she’ll stand up and collapse into me or when I’m getting her dressed she’ll suddenly fling herself on me. Obviously I’ve been trying to discourage her from doing this for ages, but it’s difficult because it catches me by surprise.

She goes to a weekly toddler group and it’s bad there because I’m sat on the floor and she’ll be in the middle and then suddenly run at me full force and all it takes is me briefly looking elsewhere for it to catch me by surprise and we’ve both been hurt when she’s done it but she still keeps doing it.

So today she was on the other side of the room and I was caught unaware and she slammed into me full force and sort of snapped my mouth shut so I bit my tongue (this must be the third time this has happened) and I shouted at her NO. She was crying as she’d been hurt too but I didn’t comfort her or anything just kept snapping and snarling at her.

I definitely had some looks and got frosty vibes from the person next to me and I feel bad about it now and as if I could have dealt with it better but honestly it’s awful!

Ouch. Try explaining to her that you were cross because you got hurt.
Social stories might help.

I don’t need social stories; we’ve both had the reality of knocked heads, hurt arms and legs, I thought we were both going to lose a tooth at one point!

I think she needed to learn not to body slam you and you are only human. You haven’t traumatised her

I sympathise because my ds (now 12) was like this. He still likes contact, can’t just sit next to me without needing the pressure. Don’t worry about other people’s reactions - they probably were just a bit caught off guard, didn’t know how to help and were pleased it wasn’t them!

we did lots of work on appropriate contact, if he ran into me I removed myself from the situation so he didn’t get the contact he wanted. Lots of talk of gentle hands. And ensure that everyone in the house/family doesn’t engage in rough play - my dh would play games where they ran and he would catch him and swing him round but this just confused the boundaries for my ds who wanted to play the same games with me.

It does get easier. I also made sure we had lots of outdoor time, walks and parks so wild running/climbing/jumping balanced by walking calmly holding hands.

He is now an excellent rugby player so hasn’t stopped enjoying the game, just realised how to channel it more appropriately!

You don't need social stories... thats a bit dismissive! You haven't managed to stop her behaviour so far.

Thanks, I hope not. I don’t think my losing my temper will have helped but then nothing seems to - I don’t know why she does it; I really hope it stops soon as she’s getting older and taller and it is really unpleasant even when you’re kind of braced for it but when it’s unexpected it’s horrible!

She hurt you, you reacted. We have all done it. Never feels great but you’re human

It wasn’t intended to be dismissive sorry - I’m just explaining that a social story like ‘one day a little girl called Mary ran into her mummy and hurt her badly’ is what we’ve literally lived! It was intended humorously and sorry if it didn’t come over like that

You're doing the right thing by keeping on saying no and I get why you reacted the way you did if this keeps happening even if it did look bad to other people. I hope for your sake that this phase passes soon.

Did you immediately take her out of the toddler class and take her home? That’s what you need to do. Tell her she hurt you.

God ME TOO. And the needing to be carried everywhere!

It was literally as I was putting on my shoes to go. Although I’ve never found that trick effective if I’m honest. I don’t think they have the maturity to realise at this age from one Monday to another that if you body slam you go.

why is she doing it? is she dysregulated and in need of some sort of outlet - thats what you need to understand to be able to stop it.

when does it happen? how often/where? is it out of no-where or can you see there are triggers?

That's alright... :)
I have a teen who likes full body contact and social stories were recommended on a course I went on (she's autistic).

I'm not the gentle parent type , my version of the story would probably be quite strongly worded
I.e if you carry on, and knock mummies teeth out there will be blood, hospital, tears, blah blah blah. She might not like it!

I wish I knew @BallerinaFall . It does seem worse when she’s tired but she’ll do it fairly frequently anyway.

I had a lot of success with the thinking step. Body slam, straight to the step. Then we hugged it out and talked about it. It was very quick to change things, even at 3. I’ll add that both of mine don’t have any neurodiversity so this might impact its workability. I still say this to them now when they are winding me up and they are teenagers!

It generally happens when we’re eye level so if she stands up on the sofa next to me or I’m sitting down on the floor at the toddler group or getting her dressed (she’s awful then - a couple of nights ago she literally went flat on her face on a wooden floor as she wouldn’t stop slamming into me and I stepped away.)

can you work out what it is about the body slam shes doing ?

ie is she looking to release anger, is she trying to be playful, is she exhausted and needs her body containing.

No not angry. Probably wanting to connect with me and being silly too.

Sometimes children just need a good telling off. It’s not ok to deliberately hurt people and she has been told many times.
The other mum doesn’t know the context of her previous behaviour and you trying multiple ways to make her stop.

Meh you haven’t done anything wrong IMO.

I am also a parent who is absolutely sick to death of being hurt by their kids. The whole ‘gentle hands’ doesn’t really work when they are this age I don’t think.

The thinking step sometimes works for my eldest to calm down. He’s 5, nearly 6.

DC2 is 2, pushing 3, and thinks it’s hilarious if I put her on the step.

I’m never sure how it would work when out and about (or if it’s bedtime!)

That’s not how social stories work. She is 3, she needs repeatedly reminding how she should behave. Try a proper social story about her and make sure it includes appropriate ways she can get the same sensory feedback.

Why is she doing it? Mine does this, wants a hug or to include me with playing usually, like it’s just a reach for connection. Normally I give them a tight squeeze and some undivided attention for a few mins if I can. If she’s not stopping maybe she wants something from you that she’s not getting (in that moment). If you can figure out what it is, then you can teach her how to verbalise it instead of body slamming.
you might just need to be a bit more alert when you’re most vulnerable - eg at toddler class - so you don’t get hurt and don’t react badly (we’ve all done it, not shaming you!) until you can figure it out though.