Lost my temper with 3 yo at a toddler class

[overrst]

DD has had a thing for ages now where she will slam her whole body into mine. For example, if I’m sitting on the sofa she’ll stand up and collapse into me or when I’m getting her dressed she’ll suddenly fling herself on me. Obviously I’ve been trying to discourage her from doing this for ages, but it’s difficult because it catches me by surprise.

She goes to a weekly toddler group and it’s bad there because I’m sat on the floor and she’ll be in the middle and then suddenly run at me full force and all it takes is me briefly looking elsewhere for it to catch me by surprise and we’ve both been hurt when she’s done it but she still keeps doing it.

So today she was on the other side of the room and I was caught unaware and she slammed into me full force and sort of snapped my mouth shut so I bit my tongue (this must be the third time this has happened) and I shouted at her NO. She was crying as she’d been hurt too but I didn’t comfort her or anything just kept snapping and snarling at her.

I definitely had some looks and got frosty vibes from the person next to me and I feel bad about it now and as if I could have dealt with it better but honestly it’s awful!

Lucky there’s no shortage of posters here to tell me I’m parenting all wrong 😂

Tbh I really, really don’t care why she’s doing it but I really, really need her to stop. She is genuinely going to hurt one of us quite seriously soon.

I'm not sure wha tyou meant by "snapping and snarling" and that bit doesn't sound good, but actually, I think a firm telling off and a sharp "No" and also no comfort for her being hurt (assuming it wasn't serious, obviously) is all fine.

I'd also stop with the gentle attempts to stop it and as others have said, in future, every single time she does this, it's a firm no, you stand up and you walk away/take her somewhere else/ stop giving her attention (as appropriate depending on where you are. eg at a toddler group - you say "no", get up and pack up to leave. At home, you say "no" and if you leave the room).

My children were both quite articulate and understood quite a lot but at that age, it's more like training a dog than expecting them to understand and empathise with why you don't like it and then to act accordingly.

We’ve all been there! Don’t sweat it. Yes you feel bad and think people are looking at you but honestly they won’t have been. They were probably thinking ‘gosh bet that hurt’ or ‘thank god it’s not mine this week’ it’s a phase, an annoying one but now this has happened no doubt she’ll have stopped it!

The point of social stories is that you don’t use them at the time an event has happened, but in between times to keep reminding her of why running into others isn’t a good idea.

@MagicUser1 i don’t tend to use particularly gentle methods as I don’t find them effective. I’m not adverse to a sharp / firm ‘no.’ On this occasion I was so taken aback that I did do a pretty big ‘OH’ (probably just stopped myself adding ‘fuck’) and then I shouted her name and I know I sounded angry then. So then she started crying and I just snapped at her to stop slamming into me or something like ‘I’ve TOLD you’. She was then trying to climb on me but I really didn’t want her to.

I knew I’d get people telling me how to get her to stop it and unfortunately she just isn’t at the moment anyway, we’ve both had hot(luckily lukewarm) drinks spilled on us, I really thought we both would lose a tooth last month, she’s bashed her head into my chin, it’s pretty shit but she won’t stop.

Just move away next time. She will remember not to do it again.

Ah god my daughter used to do this to me. I got head butted in the nose several times which hurt like f*ck!! She is now 7 and still does variations of it but less frequently. I think like other posters have said she wants big sensory input. If I am feeling patient I will give her a big squeeze back. But I definitely snap at her occasionally, I really don’t like being touched unexpectedly so she does need to learn to respect my boundaries too.

I just don’t know what’s happened to parenting in the last couple of decades where a parent tells a child off for doing something quite dangerous and the parent doubts whether that is the right thing!

How else does a 3 year old learn other than parental disapproval? You were right to tell her off. She can’t keep slamming into you - she needs to be told, and if it’s with raised voice, so be it.

Well, but where am I meant to go in a church hall? I can’t exactly go and sit outside

Okay, well, if it's any consolation - if I'd seen this, I'd have thought "good for you" and not, "that terrible woman".

DS went through a smacking phase. There was about 3 weeks of hell. We left activities mid way. He spent more time on the step while I sat in the lounge than he did playing. But he did eventually learn - smacking was not worth it becuase the consequences were no attention/we left places etc. Worst three weeks of my life though.

The thing is, you need to care why she’s doing it if you want to stop it. If she’s attention seeking, or seeking deep pressure, or overstimulated, all of those are things that you can tackle differently that might help.

I don’t know what social stories are & can’t see how ‘gentle hands’ would work here. They weren’t a thing when mine were toddlers. I think a firm ‘no’ and a glare & removing from the situation is your best option. It’s not going to make them popular if they do this to another toddler or a member of staff at pre school. I don’t think you should worry about telling off - it’s a shame you feel that way. How are they supposed to learn how to behave?

They do if you do it every time with absolute conviction . I stopped my dog from rolling in fox poo using this method and I’m fairly certain he wasn’t brighter than the average 3 yo 🤣

@HesterLeggatt I don’t think that approach will nip this in the bud quickly. Is the naughty step no longer a thing? It worked for us.

Indeed but if she’s doing it because of something I have no control over (I suspect tiredness) I can’t really do much about it, so the problem is still the same. Anyway, I wasn’t really asking how to get her to stop. More stressing that I’ve been blacklisted by a toddler class! We’ve had a nice afternoon in the park so hopefully all is well.

I think you should stop worrying about what the other woman next to you thinks, or the "frosty" looks you're getting from her, as it's none of her business. You deal with it as you see best.

Good for you telling your child off! This softly softly stuff doesn't work.

At the risk of sounding unnecessarily acerbic, children are not dogs!

It hasn’t worked with my children. Not with her brother before her or her, and normally she’s pretty good.

It’s not the fashionable thing, but I’d use a very stern (cross face) NO!!! And repeat, while holding her away from me. And TBH I wouldn’t GAF what any ‘gentle parent’ might think.

Well, I’m certainly not anti that! But I don’t think it’s that which elicited the disapproval. I think when she’s in that moment there’s no real rational thought, no ‘if I slam into mum we could get hurt / go home / told off.’

I do get that, it’s more my visceral sort of reaction to it. I bloody HATE it and it puts my nerves into this jangled edgy sort of state!

Do you warn here before sitting down? Remind her that you expect her not to do it and if she does, she will go in time out. Time out can be sitting anywhere so can also be used in public or if you are at toddler class, going home can be the consequence.

You got hurt. Maybe a more extreme reaction because you was more hurt will make her think twice too. Nothing wrong with a proper telling off, she is 3 and will understand that it hurts.

I do as it happens!

I wasn’t saying children were the same , it worked with my children and my dog , my point was that at 3 they are old enough to get it .

A very firm, sharp NO!!! is what is needed., and the same thing every time they do it.
None of this "now you mustnt do that, darling"
They need to learn what is/,,isnt appropriate

How does what I’ve put in the OP translate to ‘you mustn’t do that, darling’?

Don’t worry about 1 reaction. Instead kf stopping it or discouraging it, it might be more helpful to help her find alternative ways to seek comfort / release, that don’t cause you to get hurt. We do ‘run and cuddle’ where my toddler will count to 3 then run really fast for a cuddle. Or play ‘horses’ where she rides your back on the floor?