Colleague former BF won't let it go

[Wallartery]

Not quite sure what, if anything, to do.

Five years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. We met at work. We didn't live together and it was thinking about this step which made me end it. Whatever I felt for him, which at times was a great deal, wasn't enough. I'm not proud of how things ended. It wasn't quick, and for a time I think I used him as a bit of an emotional backstop towards the end. He took the breakup quite badly, emotionally.

Eventually I moved away and we were out of contact for a couple of years. I got a new partner and now do actually live with him. I love him very much.

Then I came back to work at the old place and since my ex hadn't left we were colleagues again. I would have loved us to be friends, but he told me he was still in love with me.

In the year I have been back we have worked together closely. He has never once been anything but kind and lovely to me. In fact he is my closest work colleague, and goes above and beyond in terms of helping me, bigging me up to our bosses, trying to get me exposure to bigger and more exciting work etc.

But he is absolutely open that he is still in love with me. Not in a pressurising way, just completely matter of factly. He won't talk about personal matters at all as he says it's too difficult. He never asks about my weekend or anything, and doesn't even like using my partner's name even when referring to other people with the same name (he would call them Mr Surname rather than use the first name they share with my partner) because he says that thinking about my life without him in it is too upsetting.

He doesn't do it in a nasty or attention seeking way, and is very open that he just doesn't want to think about my new life in any way. He just says that friendship is impossible. We can be friendly, but never friends because of the way he still feels. I never engage when he raises anything emotional, but he seems unable to get over it.

Part of me is grateful because he could have been indifferent or avoided me when I came back. But I just feel sorry for him in a way, and sort of sad for myself and how I behaved towards him.

Really I don't know what I want in terms of advice. I just wish in a way that he would shout at me or behave inappropriately or something. But he doesn't. He is lovely, just won't let this thing go! So we are forever in this half friendship. I guess I can't make him be my friend just like he can't make me be his partner. But it is so weird.

Definitely weird, but he champions you in the workplace which could be very much the opposite. I think you might just have to accept the status quo, including his feelings, while not digging in too deeply.

I think he sounds like a nice man. I suspect it might be limerance rather than love, but he’s behaving pretty decently, even if he is very clearly struggling with it. He’s been honest with you, he’s been respectful and he’s not trying to trick you into thinking friendship is all he wants from you. I think it would probably do him the world of good if one of you found a job elsewhere, but I’ll leave that to your conscience.

Thanks. Yes sometimes I think it might be my guilt that's the problem, and him making me feel guilty. I.didnt do anything wrong in ending our relationship, though at the time he was very upset at me for breaking promises we had made one another (the type of promises a lot of couples make when they are madly in love at the start of things. I think he just hasn't moved on from that stage).
But he is indeed struggling, and he has said that whilst us being apart was bad this is sometimes worse. I have seen him crying once or twice, and some of the behaviours he insists on to avoid confronting my reality are odd. It makes me feel bad that he has to live that way, and does make me feel guilty for coming back. I assumed he would have moved on
He is self aware. He often jokes about how mad it all is but then just shrugs and says it is what it is.

I don’t agree with the other posters!

Your OP really made me feel uncomfortable.

It comes across that he is deliberately bigging you up at work because he is hoping/expects that in return you’ll realise you want to be with him.

I know he says he doesn’t want that but you know what they say about actions speaking louder than words?

As for refusing to say your partners name even in the context of referring to others with the same name - wtf!

It just feels very manipulative to me.

If I were in your shoes I would be distancing myself from him and keeping my interactions with him at work purely to a work context and as minimal as possible. I also don’t think you are doing either you or him any favours trying to be friends, you’re giving mixed messages.

Going to rock the boat and ask why you went back to work in the same place as him. As the one who ended it and hurt him I think you should have kept your distance especially given your new life. I’m not sure you’ve shown him much respect here as someone you once loved.

The name thing is weird. I mean obviously it doesn't come up that often but it is jarring when it does.

Because he is so open about stuff, I have been open back, and directly asked about why he is helping me out and bigging me up etc (when we were together we were at the same level but he is more senior now). He just says that he thinks I'm great at my job, which is one of the reasons he was attracted to me in the first place, and that if he can't love me in the way he'd like, he will love me like that instead.
He says he expects nothing back other than me accepting his feelings in the same way he accepts mine. And to be fair to him he has never said, like 'I am really nice to you so why don't you love me any more?' He just gets on with doing his thing. He does express sadness and frustration when it comes up, but I don't feel manipulated.
We had a chat when I first came back about how we would be with each other, and set up some boundaries. His were that we wouldn't talk about non-work stuff (which we have both largely stuck to) and mine was that he shouldn't text or call me outside of work hours, which he has stuck to 100%. So I do t think he is being manipulative, just disarmingly frank.

Whether it manipulative otherwise not really doesn't matter.

You could argue trying to make him a friend when he has said otherwise is disrespectful.

You have a status quo. It actually sounds very manageable (whether you like if or not). Your concern now is whether you accept it (or want the job enough to tolerate it) or step back further and change jobs out of it.

You need to let the guilt go and deal with that as a separate thing. The only thing the guilt is doing is harming you.

I needed a job and didn't have much choice. I thought he'd be over it, and wasn't expecting him not to be. He has been very open about it from the start (we met up for coffee prior to me starting back, just to break the ice. He cried a lot. I felt bad but my overriding feeling was one of surprise). Had I known, I might have thought twice but I needed a job.
And I have stuck to his boundaries since I've been back despite it being weird not to mention weekends or holidays or anything non work related with someone so close.

I think one of you needs to find a new job, this situation is beyond weird.

How old is he? this is really odd behaviour. If this was you writing about being in love with your ex boyfriend who was living with someone else, everyone would be telling you to move on, get over it etc. He needs to do the same. I agree this is manipulative, he thinks he's waiting it out and you'll come back to him.

Why have you never been in a situation where you have split with someone but not with elements of your life that crossover

I have no idea what your point is!

Neither of their strategies seem at all weird given at least one of them had strong feelings for the other and they are stuck permanently in the same space.

Inconveniently feelings dont just end when we want them too

This is really weird. I would not want to continue working there. What if he turns into a psychopath.

He's crying at work, dictating what the OP can talk about, refusing to even say her boyfriends name even when it's not referring to him directly. These are odd and emotionally manipulative behaviours designed to make the op feel bad and guilty which she's admitted she does.
I would not want to be around those behaviours at work so I'd look for another job.

Is he crying at work?

I thought they met to clear the air before she went back and he cried?

I got the guilt stemmed from her behavior at break up. Im not convinced the desire to be friends doesn't stem from the desire to make herself feel better about that. But ultimately break ups suck.

The boundaries (mo personal talk, out outside work calls or texts) sound exactly the right ones to have. They are the onse in that situation i would want. If she unhappy him praising her that just needs to be a new negotiated boundary. And they actually sound quite good at that

This is so weird. Are other colleagues aware of the dynamic/history between you and your ex? What does your current partner think? Sounds like you'd be better off finding a new job, for everyone's sake.

What bothers me about this - and it really bothers me - is that he won't say out loud the name of any colleague who shares your bf's name. This is so performative. Every time he does this he's ramming home the fact that he's still 'in love with you'; you can't just forget about it and get on with your life because he won't allow it. I think he's enjoying this. I believe he is a sneaky fucker; he's getting off on your consideration for 'his feelings' - it's a little hobby of his - making you uncomfortable. He is nasty.

If I were you I'd be looking for a new job. In the meantime, try and keep things as professional as possible at work, cut out the emotional chat and stick to talking about work only. If he talks about still being in love with you, tell him that's inappropriate in the workplace and it's making you uncomfortable. Ultimately though I think this situation is untenable and will blow up in your face if you don't leave.

Exactly !

maybe I just watch/read too many true crime/murder documentaries……. 🤣

I can’t help looking at this from his perspective. His behaviour might be odd but he was in love with you and you broke up with him (all well and good) BUT then you took a job at his workplace. It’s a horrible fact of life that sometimes someone loves someone and they’re not loved back. Sensible people deal with this by getting space from their ex, maybe getting therapy and hopefully meeting someone new. It sounds like he hasn’t met anyone new yet he feels about like he felt about you, and you’ve taken away his ability to keep a distance. You’re there, every day, working alongside him.

You say it’s weird he doesn’t want to mention your partner or talk about your weekends. This would be odd if he’d turned up at your workplace, but you turned up at his! He’s in emotional pain because you’ve reinserted yourself in his life, and he’s expected to work alongside you every day. He cried when you met up before you started the job, bit of a clue. Did you think to meet for coffee and see how the land lay before you applied for the job. If your current partner ended things with you, then turned up at your workplace, how would you feel? It doesn’t matter that it’s years later. Someone is entitled to never get over someone as long as they don’t bother or harass that person. Stop putting the poor bloke in this insufferable position and find a different job.

I think this is the source of my guilt. Thank you.

In hindsight I did a bad thing coming back. There wasn't much choice but there was some, and whilst I tried to be gentle with it, I didn't check beforehand. I just assumed that after a couple of years he'd be over it and we would be friends.

We literally had no contact at all in that time. I assumed that if he felt something he'd try. I have asked him why he didn't, and he said that it was because he wanted to leave me alone to build something with my now partner, and that it wouldn't be fair if he didn't leave me to it. Which is perfectly lovely. I just assumed he'd let go.

I have met men who love once and die loving that women even though it has been over for many years.
They are in love with a ghost. That woman is no longer there she has moved on and sometimes been remarried twice.
I don’t know if your ex will move on if I’m honest.

We literally had no contact at all in that time. I assumed that if he felt something he'd try. I have asked him why he didn't, and he said that it was because he wanted to leave me alone to build something with my now partner, and that it wouldn't be fair if he didn't leave me to it. Which is perfectly lovely. I just assumed he'd let go

This sounds really emotionally tone deaf from you, why would you expect him to be in contact with you? People who say they want to be friends with an ex usually don't mean it, it's just a polite, soft way of saying goodbye.
It isn't perfectly lovely that he left you alone to move on it's just bloody normal. Did either of you have any relationship experience before being together? Neither of you sound emotionally intelligent imo.

I don't know. I suppose the change from being in a relationship for a long time to literally nothing was a shock. I was occupied with my new man at the time and only now look back and consider how much of a change it was. I suppose I just expected his emotions to mirror my own, which is what led me to think he'd be fine being my friend. Perhaps that is indeed emotionally tone deaf.